On Being Thankful

As this month of Thanksgiving comes to a close, we work our way through the first week of Advent and turn the calendar to December.  I have lots of thoughts to share, but I'll try to keep it brief so the post doesn't end up in draft land, never being published.  Gosh...where does the time go?  The more and more time that goes by, the harder and harder it feels to blog because I'm so far behind.  I mean, hello, have I even published the name of my child who is turning one in a few weeks?  I'm such a logical, organized person that I kept meaning to post about his birth, thoughts on transitioning from 1 to 2 kids and so on and so on.  Then there my blog sat.

But anyways, enough about that and onto Thanksgiving while it's still November.  One of my former students sent me a message on Facebook remarking about the times DH and I had him over for Thanksgiving leftovers and to help put up our tree.  He and another student still remember how much fun they had their 1st Thanksgiving in the US.  And then I started thinking....wow...that was back in 2006!

Thanksgiving has always sort of been DH and my holiday since we started the tradition of hosting my international students and inviting students from church who didn't have a place to go for the day.  We loved preparing a meal with all the special items and, for the most part, introducing the typical American feast to the students.

And then I started reflecting back on all the different Thanksgivings I could think of the past 10+ years.  So here we go:
2004- not sure what we did, but this was only a few days before DH proposed.  Also, my 1st Thanksgiving in the West.

2005- This was when our international student Thanksgiving tradition started.  I don't remember all the details, but we easily had a full table of students eagerly waiting to try our meal.

2006- This was the meal my former student reminded me about that he still remembered.

2007-This was the two-table Thanksgiving meaning our table of 10 needed to be extended.  I think we ended up with around 20 that year.

2008- I don't remember much about the meal this year, but I remember it being a down time as I'd just been diagnosed with PCOS by an RE.  It was only a few months later when I'd come across Napro thanks to a newspaper clipping.  So grateful.

2009- I think we still hosted my students, but I don't really remember.  It was the time we were "supposed" to be announcing my pregnancy to our families as I would have been 12 weeks by then.  I still was technically pregnant with HCG levels in my body, but we'd found out a month earlier that the baby...our 1st sweet child...at died.

2010- This Thanksgiving we actually broke our tradition as we were not home.  We were in MN with my family.  We had just celebrated Grandpa's life with his funeral on Monday.  My parents hosted Thanksgiving as they do every year, and while it was a joy to actually be with them on the day, our joy was subdued with loss.  The next day, Friday, we'd celebrate my uncle's marriage with a mix of tears and joy, for we knew Grandpa was celebrating a much bigger wedding feast in heaven.

2011- Back to hosting in our home, and such joy at our table as life was in my womb (baby #3) and we around 16 weeks along.

2012- Hosting again and we needed a high chair at the table for "mommy's little turkey" as her outfit said.  Sweet R. was 6 months old.  Such a joy.

2013- Our 1st Thanksgiving in the South, and such a change to our tradition.  No international students to host of college kids from church.  We were the ones attending at another home.

2014- A sweet family from our church invited us to their home for the meal, which was wonderful because I felt like I was about to burst at 38-39 weeks pregnant and on high alert for what felt like a baby that would come any day.

2015- A very uneventful, low-key holiday as a family of four.  The kids and I have been sick for 3 weeks straight (strep for R., hand foot mouth for the babe, sinus infection for me, wheezy lungs and breathing treatments for the babe, more meds for me and an ear that won't unplug...10 days and counting today).  Definitely probably the yuckiest Thanksgiving we've had for awhile, but as 1 Thessalonians 5:18 reminds me, "we give thanks in all circumstances."

I don't give thanks for the circumstances, but in them.  And sometimes that is hard when I don't feel good, when life is hard, when I don't see God's hand (yet).  But we persevere on because we know our newborn King is coming.

Advent is upon us.  One of my most favorite seasons of the year...possibly THE most favorite.  A time of anticipated waiting.  Embrace the season.  Enjoy Advent!

You would have been 5

Dear sweet, first child of mine,

It's so hard to believe you would have been turning 5 this year!  5!  I could have had a 5 year old.  It's hard for me to believe, and yet, a 5 year old would fit so perfectly in our family with a 3 year old and a 5 month old.  And then that gets me thinking about your sibling that we never got to meet either and how we could have been a family of 5, 4, 3, and 5 months.  Wow.  It's still hard for me to believe I'm a mother of 4.  4 precious lives begun in my IF, broken womb.  I wish I could hug you and squeeze you today and wish you happy birthday.  How fun it would be to think about and plan for you to begin Kindergarten this year.  I often wonder if I will recognize you in heaven, sweet child.  Will I know you are mine?  If so, how will I know?

So many unknowns and yet, I'm not a mother of 4 to those peering in on my life from the outside.  For when others look at me, they only see 2.  Yes, 2 precious, amazing, blessings, but they are #3 and #4 in the conception order.  I still haven't figured out how to answer the questions when people ask, "Are these your only kids?"  "Is she your first?"  I want to say, "No, I have 2 other babies in heaven that I'm waiting to meet."  or "No, she's actually my 3rd as I lost 2 before her to miscarriage."  But then I don't want to sound morbid or make the person asking the question feel bad.  So sometimes I just say, "yes" to the questions.  But then I feel all guilty inside for not acknowledging the other two children whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks.  So sometimes I do tell the whole story depending on how well I know the person.  And I share it because it is a part of our story....my story that God has written and continues to write.

I feel like there are just some things you always remember, and for me, that was my very first due date of a baby I never got to hold in my arms- June 2nd.   That due date marked so much hope after years of misdiagnoses, then diagnoses (PCOS, low progesterone), and IF.  Hope and memories that I still recall if I think back to that time over 5 years ago.  That first ever BFP.  Those first progesterone draws and progesterone injections.  Those first dreams and hopes as a family of three.  Those plans of how to tell our families.  And so on.  I don't think I can ever forgot those moments, and I don't think I'm suppose to.  Memories etched in my mind.  Memories and experiences that help me be a more compassionate person to others going through loss and IF.  Compassion that would not exist had I not known what it was like.

It's still so hard for me to fathom that she/he would have been turning 5 today. And while I don't understand all the whys and pains of living in our fallen world, I do know that losing 2 babies in the womb makes me hug my 2 kiddos extra tight every day and appreciate each day I have with them this side of heaven.  I am a different (better, more patient, appreciative) parent because of my first 2 children conceived, and for that I am so grateful.  

Catching Up: The Rest of 2014

Well, here we go.  A few catch up posts before jumping in with current life.  Thanks for all your warm comments.  It always feels good to feel loved and encouraged!  Here's a quick re-cap of the rest of 2014.

July- major road trip to Michigan for DH's cousin's wedding.  R did great in the car even though she did not sleep a wink (3 leisurely days to get there, 2 coming home).  Yes, that's right.  My child will not sleep in the car seat no matter how tired she is.  We tried to stop and see some fun things along the way, and she loved the lake and sandy beach we went to while in MI. 

Oh- and right before the trip we had our big 20 week ultrasound which confirmed what we had already found out through blood work at 10 weeks...we were having a BOY.  A son.  Such a joy.  We then told our families the news.  To me it was still hard to believe that the gender could be so accurately determined with a simple blood test so soon in the pregnancy.

Aug- We said we should start addressing R's sleep issues, work on potty training, or work on other things with her, but we did none of them.  Pregnancy was starting to zap my strength and I was having big time back problems since the babe was forming right out in front- the typical basketball under the shirt look- as opposed to the more up and down positioning R was in the womb.  I started going to the chiropractor weekly at this point and continued through the end of pregnancy.

Sept- My OB goes on maternity leave.  No big deal, right?  I knew I had to shuffle through the 5 other OBs in the practice once before delivery anyways, so it should have worked out where I could do that and then see my regular OB again.  Not a problem...or so I thought.  R and I continue one last month with mommy and me gymnastics classes.  Talk about a work out! 

Major nesting continues and I attempt to complete house projects galore to get ready for baby and do things that hadn't been done since we moved into the house a year ago.  First off, have all the rooms on the main level painted, wallpaper removed, and paint 1/3 of the upstairs.  Secondly, remove a ton of trees in the back to clear play space and along the house to prevent pest and rodent problems.

Oct- THE ultrasound. No, not the 20 week ultrasound, but the ultrasound that sent things tumbling for weeks.  I was seeing one of the other OBs in the practice and mentioned to him all the back pain I was having, some anxiety over how fast this labor might go (only 3 hours in the hospital delivering R and 8-9 hours in labor overall), cramping and so on.  He suggested I could have a quick ultrasound to check my cervical length and make sure things weren't happening yet (I was 33 weeks).  I gladly agreed, thinking it would give me some peace of mind and I could make it through the next few weeks.  The cervix was nice and long with no change, but then the tech took other measurements because I was there and found the head to be measuring small. 

Right away I knew in my heart the tech was wrong and off with her measurements, but as a result, the OB wanted me to see a specialist.  I did and things checked out fine, but then that OB continued to pester me with more and more tests he wanted, fears that I would have to be induced because baby's growth might be restricted, and more.  All along I was measuring right on track for the pregnancy, overall I was feeling good, and I was only on 100 mg of progesterone injections for most of the pregnancy.  I had no reason for concern about the baby's well being, and God had given me peace about that up to that point. 

But I was definitely moving towards the unstable side of emotions, and learning our upstairs furnace was leaking CO2 and needed to be replaced ASAP, certainly didn't help much.  Thankfully, we have an emergency fund, but we had already allocated all of our housing allowance funds with the other big projects above.  Wasn't planning on an additional 5K expense, but thankful the CO2 was discovered after only running our furnace once so far.  Too bad our home warranty just ran out in August.

Take a birth refresher course and finally find a Christian doula.  Not too organized or on the ball this time around.

One of my favorites from our maternity pictures at 35 weeks.  Such an amazing gift to prepare my Napro baby (R) for the birth of another baby...her brother.  Words cannot even describe the emotions after IF and miscarriage.

Nov- Now I've got a black mark on my OB file because every other OB I see in the practice continues to push me on the "small head" issue.  My heart still tells me this baby is fine, but after so many weeks of this, I start to grow fearful of an induction.  My trust in the practice wanes, and I doubt whether or not my OB will be back from maternity leave in time to deliver me.  I reach out in tears to my OB's nurse, and finally decide to see if I can find another OB at 36 1/2 weeks pregnant.  Not exactly how I planned to spend the end of the pregnancy, and keep in mind, I still have the fear of dying in childbirth looming over my head. 

My incredibly high stress levels lead to behavior issues/acting out in R, and basically, our house becomes an unhappy place for more weeks than I care to think about.  I do find 2 amazing OBs that would take me at 37 weeks, but I would have to change the hospital I'd be delivering at.  I'm already worried about the 15 minute car ride, so I just don't feel good extending that car ride up to an hour plus if it was during rush hour.  I schedule the first available appointment with my OB the day she comes back from maternity leave and pray this baby doesn't come before that.  At 38 weeks, I still hadn't allowed any of the OBs to check me.  Since full term was considered 39 weeks now (not 37 weeks like when I was pregnant with R), I just kept declining cervical checks.  I wanted nothing done to hurry along this baby coming until after my OB was back.  DH and I were actually worried the babe might be a Nov. baby and not a Dec. baby since my body seemed to be preparing for labor earlier.

Dec- We made it to Dec- hooray!  Meet with my OB Dec. 2nd and she apologizes for all the junk I had to go thru with the other OBs.  Finally, get checked at 38 1/2 weeks and I'm 2.5 cm dilated, 70% effaced, and a -2 station.  She says she'll be seeing me before the week is over!  Hooray.  I feel the same way. R came at 39 weeks and it seems there's  a good chance this baby will to.

39 weeks comes and goes with no labor signs.  Next check at 39 1/2 weeks is 3.5-4 cm dilated, still -2 station and still 70% effaced.  No real contractions though but the cervix is ripe and super soft.  Hopeful that baby can have the coolest birthdate: 12-13-14.

40 1/2 weeks and still no baby!  I'm losing the mental game as I was so sure this baby would come early like R did.  4-5 cm dilated now and 80% effaced but still a -2 station.  Sheesh.  Dilation is almost half over and I've felt virtually nothing.  Abdomen measured 42 inches and weight was up 40 lbs and I was feeling all that in my back.  The dreaded induction talk came up at this point as I suspected it would. 

The beauty of going past your due date when you think your baby is going to come early is you have nothing planned on your calendar!  I literally had most of the month of December open because I was so certain this baby would arrive no later than Dec. 4th (39 weeks).  Boy was I wrong, but the time together as a family was a beautiful thing given the extreme stress of October and November.  I had so much peace about baby arriving when he was ready that I wasn't worried about him going late and I wasn't worried about his head size either.  I still had the death fear in my mind, but that was one that wasn't going away until after delivery.  And we spent a few good weeks waiting and waiting and waiting.  We were asked daily if there was any baby news, which got old after awhile, but it showed how much people cared.  Waiting...It was such a perfect Advent object lesson....waiting anxiously during the season of waiting.  Waiting for the birth of our son as we waited expectantly to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus.  The symbolism was not lost on us.  Another beautiful gift God gave me...an unexpected gift I got as I had much time to meditate and reflect during those last few weeks of pregnancy. 

Next catch up post: the birth story

Dusting Off

I've been thinking about dusting off the 'ol blogging keyboard and jumping back into the blogging world.  But gosh, at this point, I'm not sure I'd have any readers left.  It has been months....MONTHS... since I've posted.  I have drafts that I started, but just never got around to finishing.  It was hard to know where to start blogging again with such an ominous post up.  And frankly, until baby arrived, I just had too much fear and anxiety to deal with.  You see, my husband had a dream and a strong sense that I was going to die in childbirth.  THAT was the ominous feeling surrounding the pregnancy.  I didn't want to necessarily spell it out because I wasn't looking for sympathy and didn't want people thinking I was crazy.  But y'all, my husband has senses that just come true- the genders of our children, that we were moving, senses about people, etc.. This is one of just two times he's been wrong, and I'm thankful that he was, but man, I'm still not sure what God's purpose was in all of that. 

But anyways, all is well.  I do want to blog about the rest of the pregnancy, the birth, adjusting to 2 at home, and what we've been up to.  But gosh, it's hard to know when and what to write.  This started out as an IF and miscarriage blog, and things have changed so much in the years since I started it.  I guess my purpose in blogging has always been to record my story as an online dairy of sorts, to share my story in case it might help others, and to glorify God in the whole process.  Spelling it out that way makes me think that I should keep blogging even if my audience is zero.

I've still been reading blogs on a weekly basis now more than the daily check ins I used to do.  I haven't been commenting because something has changed with gmail/google/blogger so even though I'm logged in when I comment, the comment doesn't show up.  Not sure what I need to do to fix this, but there are a few people/blogs I've really missed out on commenting.

And I'm finally hitting "post" during National Infertility Week.  Coincidence?  No. What was a major part of years of my life still is never far from my mind even though outward appearances may suggest otherwise.   To those of you still in the trenches, hang in there.  We think of you and pray for you often.  Your tears are not fruitless.  Praying for your "songs of joy" to come soon (Psalm 126:5).