Quick Takes: Saturday Style

I realize quick takes are meant for Friday, but I was too busy knitting yesterday to take a break and blog.  So there are my Saturday style quick takes.

1. I spent 15 hours knitting my scarf this week.  That's way more time then I thought I would have to spend when I registered for a beginning class.  The good news is I think I finally understand it.  I was supposed to have 25 inches completed by class today.  I only had 20 inches, but I was the 2nd furthest along in my class today.  That is major progress from class last week when I was the worst.

2. I got pulled over yesterday.  It is a hilarious story that deserves a post all in itself (coming in the next few days).

3. Ree Drummond- as in The Pioneer Woman- is coming to an area near me next month.  I think I'm going to finally buy her cookbook that I've heard such good things about and take the hubs to the "big city" to see her and have her sign my book.  I'm so excited.

4. We picked up our fruit and veggie basket today and are stocked on fresh produce for the week.  For $15 we get 6 fruits and 6 vegetables from a co-op called Bountiful Baskets.  If any of you live in the West, check them out.  It is seriously such a great deal.  Here's a picture of what we got today: 

In case you can't make it all out in the picture- 6 oranges, 2 pomelos, 9 bananas, 7 green apples, 1 container of strawberries, 1 cantelope, 2 bunches of broccoli, a head of califlower, 3 cucumbers, 1 huge bunch of Romaine lettuce, 9 Roma tomatoes, and 1 bunch of asparagus.  Seriously, for $15 it can't be beat.  You are guaranteed 6 different fruits and 6 different veggies each week.  You never know what you're going to get, but we've never been disappointed.  We've also ordered organic bread, tortillas, and granola as well.  The best part is not the price, however, it's the fact that we eat so much healthier when we buy a basket.

5. After the bombing in the Moscow airport this week, I've been reminded that we need to step up our prayers for our mission trip to Russia this summer.  That is the airport we'll be flying into, and while I'm not afraid of international travel, I've realized how I've lacked in praying for our team and trip.  We'll spend time in Moscow and St. Petersburg before heading to Siberia where we'll conduct a week-long training session and retreat for Russian pastors and their wives.  I just know God is going to do amazing things through us and in us.  But, it's time to fervantly pray and start raising funds!

6. I bought some pumpkin spice cups yesterday for our Keurig coffee maker that were on mega clearance, and the coffee is so good.  While fall and its flavors might be long over and out of season, I don't care one bit.  Clearanced coffee (and wine) items are a perk to living in an area where the dominant religion shuns drinks of that sort.

7. I'm thinking of opening an Ebay account to sell several new and gently used items I have piling up in our home.  Any suggestions or thoughts on that?

Finally, I'll leave you with a picture of my knitting progress from this morning before I went to class.  Notice the yarn is different?  I'll tell you all about that in a separate post as well as what God has been teaching me through knitting.  Man, I have a lot of posts I'm lining up for myself.  Here's my 20 inches before class.  Not too shabby for somone who just learned to knit 7 days ago, and all of the progress you see below happened in less than 5 days!

Character Building: Patience

I'm not sure what possessed me to want to learn to knit, but a new knitting shop opened in town and I saw they were offering classes.  The beginning class was only three weeks with just one project to make- a scarf.  I decided that wouldn't be too hard, and just three classes was a very reasonable amount of time to give.  In keeping with my goals for 2011, I decided to sign-up and do something fun for myself.  Perhaps it would get my mind off of my fertility struggles.

Little did I know it would just serve as a major object lesson for my life.

I was clueless about what I was getting in to.  I should have re-thought my decision when the teacher called to ask what size needles I was using (7, 8, or 9) and if I preferred straight or curved (huh?).  When she told me I needed 220 yards of worsted weight yarn, I had to repeat "worsted" to make sure I had heard her correctly.  I verified that this was the beginning course and shared that I had never knitted or crocheted before.  She said I'd be fine.

I had my first class on Saturday, and if I hadn't paid for the class and my materials out of my own discretionary fund of money, I'm not sure I'd be going back.  We started out with practice yarn and by casting on.  That was relatively easy for me to get the hang of and I was feeling pretty good.  Then we started knitting and purling.

Our pattern was to knit four stitches then purl four stitches.  I could not keep the two stitches straight.  I was constantly getting them confused.  I think if we only would have been doing one, I would have been ok.  Afterall, this was supposed to be the beginning class, right?  I felt like it was beginning level 2.0. 

The class was only 2 hours, but after 2 hours, I still was on the practice yarn.  I hadn't moved on to my project yet, and we're supposed to have 25 inches completed by next week.  I finally was feeling confident enough alternating back and forth with the two different stitches that I did move on to my project, and it was as if suddenly I forgot everything.  I had such a hard time and was getting so frustrated. 

Five hours after the class started (and one hour after the store was supposed to close), I have this- a few measly rows on my keyhole scarf project.

I felt good enough when I left the store that I thought I could continue over the weekend, except when I got home, I made a mistake and don't know how to fix it.  I'm currently stuck and unable to complete any more.  I have an appointment with the teacher tomorrow afternoon, and I hate having to go back with nothing completed over the weekend.

Not only am I learning to knit, I'm learning patience- something I currently lack.  I was so extremely frustrated when I got home on Saturday, and I was supposed to have a nice night with the hubs.  I wanted to drop everything and quit while I was at the class.  I wanted to get up and leave and not come back to complete the remaining 2 classes or the project.  I wanted to pull out my stitches and be done with the project.  I wanted to cry in frustration.

And then I realized, I wasn't just dealing with frustration and impatience in a knitting class; I was dealing with frustration and impatience in my fertility and life.  And even though they are two completely unrelated topics, there are so many similarities.  How I deal with the two is very similar, and a reflection of my character (or lack thereof).  My patience stinks.  I want to cry and yell and scream at God that it isn't fair I've had to wait so long and I still don't have a child.  I want to give up and move on to something else (adoption, maybe?).  I want a baby and I want it now.  I'm not good at patiently waiting for God's timing and His direction.

And to top it all off, our nightly devotion last night that my husband and I do together was entitled- "Showing Patience."  I just had to laugh.  God is clearly speaking to me, reminding me of how much room I have to grow in the area of patience and I don't like having my flaws so clearly exposed.

And so I'm going to persevere.  I'm going to go for extra help tomorrow and attempt to have 25 inches completed by Saturday.  I'm going to continue pushing ahead with the scarf and with my life.  I will complete the scarf no matter how many extra hours I need to put in that I wasn't planning on.  And the completed scarf will be a great visual reminder of the patience I've learned.  Perhaps it will also help me to be more patient as I wait on God's timing to grow our family.

Blessed and Impressed

Ladies,

Can I just tell you how blessed I feel to have had so many of you comment on my blog in the last day!  Thanks for your comments, suggestions, encouraging messages, and hellos.  I really feel loved.  And I'm so impressed with the amazing network of support you have.  TCIE happened upon my blog at the right time because she activated "the network" and within a few hours of posting my plea for help, I had more suggestions and resources than I could possibly process through.

Simply amazing.  I am in awe of your kindness.  Just the simple fact of taking the time to share what you have learned with little 'ol me- an unknown in the blogosphere- is a testament to your goodness.  Thank you, ladies.  I don't know what took me so long to get a blog up and running.  Perhaps it was fear- fear of not fitting in, fear of being unknown, fear of being vulnerable, and so on.  Whatever it was, I'm glad it's behind me because you are an incredible network of support, experiences, and encouragement, and I am privileged to join the journey with you.  I feel like I have friends, and I've never even met you before.  Thank you.

Any Thyroid "Experts" Out There?

In the quest to find out why I'm so fatigued all the time, I had more thyroid tests done at my last NaPro appointment.  I keep hoping we find something wrong because I feel like there is a missing link.  If we find that missing link, I think I'll have a healthy, full-term pregnancy.

I've thought for awhile that I might have a thyroid problem because my waking temperatures are low pre-ovulation (96.9-97.4) as well as post-ovulation (98.7-98.2).  I am fatigued quite often and am extremely sensitive to the cold. 

Back in March 2009, I had tests done and here's how they came back:
TSH: 1.320  (range 0.47-4.68)
Free T4: 1.23 (range 0.78-2.19)
Free T3: 3.0 (range 2.4-4.2)

Everything was in range.  Maybe all of the symptoms were in my head.  Try not to think about it anymore.  Get our first BFP September 2009.  Missed miscarriage.

Still persist with the fatigue.  March 2010 I have my vitamin D tested as well as my TSH again.  TSH is 0.878 (range 0.47-4.68).  Vitamin D is low at 21 (range 30-80).  Yeah, low Vitamin D.  Maybe that was the problem.  I started on 2,000 units of a Vitamin D supplement daily.  I retested the Vit. D level in May 2010 and it was only up to 34.  Increase to 4,000 units daily.  Retested again in August 2010 and it was at 47.  NaPro Dr. still not happy with the number.  Increase to 6,000 units daily.  Will retest levels again soon.

Had a 2nd miscarriage in September 2010.  In December 2010, I insisted on more testing because I really think there is still something wrong.  Dr. started me on 5mg of timed-release Cortisol because my morning level was slightly high back in August 2009.  At that time he said it was fine.  It was 25 with a range of (5-23). 

I'm still tired every day, however, and my body temps seem to indicate a problem as they still are low.  I continue to show my dr. my temperature charts.
Here's my latest results as of December 2010:
TSH: 1.9 (range 0.47-4.68)
Free T3: 3.4 (range 2.4-4.2)
Total T3: 111 (range 80-200)
Reverse T3: 287 (range 90-350)

Help ladies!  Anyone have experience in this area?  I'm still waiting to hear from my NaPro Dr. about his thoughts on the T3 reverse numbers, but I also know he doesn't have a lot of experience with thyroid patients (even though he's been practicing NaPro for years).  I'm really desperate for answers or more tests to suggest to my doctor.  I like my NaPro doctor, but I also want to get to the bottom of why I'm so tired.  I just feel like something is wrong and don't think I'll have a healthy pregnancy until we discover what that is.  Plus, I could hardly imagine caring for a newborn when I'm as tired as I am every day.  There's no way I could be a mom with this level of fatigue.  Off to drink a cup of black tea as it's 4:00 and I need to make it through work and the night tonight.  Ugh.

Bible Verse #2

As I mentioned back in this post, I'm doing a Bible verse memorization challenge this year.  So far, I've really been enjoying focusing on one verse for two weeks at a time.  The Bible talks about taking our thoughts captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5- ...and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.) and it's amazing how true this is.  My thoughts can either completely destroy me because of their negativity (Why am I not pregnant yet?  It's unfair so and so is pregnant and not me.  Why do I have to deal with this lifelong disease?) or they can uplift and encourage me.  I'm trying to move my thoughts from the negative to the positive, and this is slowly happening as I meditate on one verse. 

The last two weeks it was John 14:27, and everytime I encountered a troubling situation or thought, I repeated the verse back to myself and reminded me it was words Jesus spoke to his disciples and He was still speaking them to me now- Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts and troubled and do not be afraid.  That was typed from memory, in case you were wondering:-)  I wasn't sure how the memorization thing would work, but by placing the verse on the mirror in the bathroom, at the kitchen table, and on my computer at work, it was readily viewable throughout my day and a visual reminder to me.

Yesterday was the 15th of the month, which meant it was time for a new verse.  I picked a short one, but it's a good reminder that my soul needs for these next two weeks.  From Psalm 130:5- I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. 

I've realized that the verses I pick focus my thoughts on things from God not man and remind me of what I may already know but lose sight of.  The last two weeks were hard with my husband gone for nearly all of the days, and I've been bombarded with pregnancy announcements.  All of my college friends and everyone that I know my age are now pregnant or with 1-3 kids.   It's been hard feeling like God has forgotten or abandoned us, yet I know that is not true because He continues to speak to me and be present in my life.  For whatever reason, I still feel like a healthy pregnancy is a ways off for us, and so this verse is a good reminder to me that I'm waiting on God's timing, not my own and His word is what gives me hope.  When I focus on those things, I am ok.  When I look around at the situations others are in and compare myself to them is when I become discontent or hope-less.

But for these next two weeks, I'm focusing on waiting for the LORD and putting my hope in His Word.

The Last One Left

It happened just as I knew it eventually would.  I got the phone call last night.  The one from my last childless friend telling me she was almost 13 weeks pregnant.  I wanted to be completely happy for her, but the reality was, I was not.  I'm extremely jealous that she's already through the first trimester and well on her way to growing her family.  I had to fight back tears for the majority of the conversation because I was so overwhelmed with saddness. 

I listened to her talk about how she heard the heartbeat for the first time on her birthday, and how it was the best birthday present she could ever ask for.  I listened to how she broke the news to her boss at work.  I listened to her plans to take 12 weeks off and then return to work full-time, placing her child in day care all day.  I listened to her talk about the miracle of her conception and how God had finally answered her prayer.  She was so glad He had finally listened because she was starting to feel abandoned by God.

All the while I'm wondering if I can make it throught the conversation without uncontrollable weaping.  This friend has known my struggles, and yet last night it was clear that she doesn't fully understand where I'm at.  I'm not blaming her for telling me all her stories of pregnancy joy.  I know she's truly excited to be pregnant at 33 with their first.  It just made me realize how lonely the infertility walk is and how one does not understand it unless they've walked the infertility road themselves.

After I hung up the phone, the tears fell.  I am now the only one left out of all my close friends that does not have a child.  Most of my good friends from college have 1, 2, or 3 kids by now.  My husband's college friends, who are 36 and 37, all have children in grade school.  I feel so alone.

I don't understand it, God.  I feel like I did everything right and in a God-pleasing way.  I spent time serving the Lord in full-time ministry to youth and overseas.  I waited to get married until God has matured me more.  I didn't have sex until our wedding night.  We waited to start trying to have children until we could support them and until we had a solid marriage foundation for parenting.  I even planned to give up my job to stay home full-time and raise our children to know and serve the Lord.  I feel like everything we've done is in a God-pleasing way, and yet we remain without a child on earth.  It just doesn't seem fair with all of the unhealthy marriages and parenting styles around us in the world.  Why are we- who love and serve the Lord- denied the joy of raising a family right now?  I don't get it, God!  And perhaps that's just it- I'm not supposed to understand God's ways or think I can plan out my life. 

And so I wonder, will I ever be able to be truly happy for those around me that continue to get pregnant and have children?  Am I spiritually immature for being envious and jealous of their situation?  Will my heart ever be content if I'm never able to have a child?  So many questions and so few answers right now.

Roller Coaster of a Week

It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions for me this past week.  What started out as such a great beginning to the New Year and a fresh start didn't last but one day (January 1st).  Then the hubs left after church on the 2nd and has been gone this whole week.  Him being gone has been part of the roller coaster along with the hormones that accompany the start of a cycle.  Oh joy.  I feel like I've been all over the map with my feelings this week.  Perhaps, it's good thing that the hubs has been gone (for his sake).

The sad part is he doesn't return until Friday night.  Crazy, huh?  What would posess a happily married couple to willfully be apart for 12 days?  The hubs is pursuing his Doctorate degree in Ministry/Theology/Religion and so he periodically goes away for two weeks of intensive course work.  He reads 4,500 pages before the classes meet, attends classes on site, and then returns home to write 40-60 pages afterwards.  The end result is 9 doctoral credits towards his degree for each session.  Not too shabby for someone like him who loves learning. 

This is the second time he's done it and he'll only have two more times left to complete all the coursework.  It's a sacrifice we both make in order for him to pursue a degree that enhances his current congregational ministry and may open up future job opportunities.  He's passionate about teaching and this degree would enable him to teach men who are training to become pastors.  That would be pretty cool should God decide to call him in that direction.  He would also be able to teach at any of our church's universities.

So we manage the time apart (though it puts a damper on TTC efforts), but this time has been harder than the first since I wasn't back to work regularly last week.  I had lots of time to be at home, relax, read, and miss him.  I head back into work mode fully tomorrow, so I'm hoping these last 5 days go quickly.

The nice part about having this week off by myself was that I was able to take time to reflect, journal, and read books that I've been wanting to for months.  I finished one book about heaven and I'm nearly done with another book called "Worshiping God in the Hard Times."  It's been a good, thought-provoking book because I really struggle with worshiping God fully ever since the first miscarriage.  It's not that I doubt my faith in God, I just struggle with how to handle my disappointments with a God that I know has full power to heal my body or provide a healthy, full-term pregnancy.  I'll write more about the book when I finish it.

So it's just sort of been up and down and up and down this week with my emotions.  I feel like I'm back on the upwards swing again (for now), so that's good.  I signed up for a beginning knitting class, which makes me excited since it's one of my 2011 goals, and I was able to go on a snowshoe hike yesterday with some friends.  There's nothing like being out in the beauty of nature to make me appreciate the great God and Creator of the Universe.  And since everyone's posting snow pictures, here's mine.  

Happy Epiphany!

It's hard to believe it's already Epiphany.  I'm sitting by the light of our Christmas tree looking at our nativity set that is now complete with the three wise men.  If we had more space, I'd use the idea one of my friends does and have the wise men travel closer to the manger each day in December until they finally arrive on Epiphany.  I love that idea and the visual reminder of their journey to see the Christ child.

My husband and I usually leave our tree and all of our Advent/Christmas decorations up until at least Epiphany.  Now that Epiphany is here, it means we'll have to eventually start taking them all down, but since he's out of town for another week, I think I'll wait until he returns to do that:-)  That means I get an extra week with our Christ-centered ornaments and decorations, which I love.  Can you tell I'm a visual person/learner?

A Look Back at 2010 and A Look Ahead to 2011

2010 is a year that I will be happy to leave behind.  In my mind, it's just been marked with so much despair.  I took the time to reflect back on the year, however, and realized there actually were several high points to the year, I'd just focused on the negative points.

Here we go- my 2010 highlights list:

January- The hubs and I started off the New Year in Cancun.  Because he always has to work on Christmas, and because Advent is usually an extra busy time for him, we try to take a getaway of some sort each year.  I'm not usually a big fan of touristy Mexico, but we got a stellar deal and stayed away from the main downtown area.  We had a great trip- swimming in sinkholes, seeing Chitchen Itza, snorkeling, and just relaxing on the beach.

February- We got serious about financial planning and met with a fee-based financial planner.  Best decision ever.  He reviewed all of our financial stuff and gave us a comprehensive plan down to which mutual funds to buy.  His job isn't based on commission, so we got great, unbiased advice. 

March- We survived our first ever red-eye flight to Atlanta for the baptism of our goddaughter.  It was truly an honor to meet her (she was only 5 weeks old) and more importantly, be responsible for seeing that she is raised up in the Christian faith.

April/May- I finished my teaching term and we went into summer mode.  Had a mini-emotional breakdown in May as the due date (June 2nd) of our first baby approached.

June- We took a mini-getaway to a fabulous ski resort town where the hubs ran a half-marathon.  It was a bittersweet trip as it fell on the due date of our first baby.  I was glad we were out of town.
July- I taught summer classes and then members from each of our families came to visit.  We went to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone with my dad and brother.  We did local sightseeing with the hub's mother, sister, aunt, and cousin.

August- more visitors.  This time it's our small group of pastors and wives along with a missionary couple from Russia.  They come to town to help us plan our 2011 mission trip.  Lots of excitement and learning about Russia.  We also make a quick trip home to MN to visit my Grandparents.  They are 88 and doing well, but I want one visit with them to have Grandpa share WWII stories and have final memories in case it is the last visit.  In my heart, I say my goodbyes.

Also, I made the decision to transition from full-time to part-time work.  It was a tough decision as I always thought I'd work full-time until we had a child.  I'm still working 30+ hours a week, but I quickly realize it was the right decision.

September- Back to work in new P-T role.  Find out about our 2nd pregnancy, almost one year to the day of finding out about our 1st.  Tears of joy.  It ends before the month is even over.

October- Grandfather is diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and given 3-4 months to live.  I feel so good that we visited in August.  I'm diagnosed with first ever yeast infection- oh joy.

November- vaginal issues continue.  Lovely.  Several cycles without ovulation.  Grandfather dies quickly before we make it home for a visit again.  I'm devasted I'll never be able to introduce a child of ours to him.  Return to MN for funeral, Thanksgiving, and Uncle's wedding (he was hoping his dad would make it to see him get married).  Lots of emotions.

December- vaginal issues still continue.  It's clear, God, that this is another time you want me to wait.  I'm so frustrated with my body and all its crazy issues.  Start this blog!  Travel to Boise after Christmas to visit friends.

Again, it's really only the past few months that have been overwhelmingly hard.  I realize a lot of my situations are how I view them and deal with them.  I am ready to move forward in 2011 and feel so good about the fresh start that a New Year brings.  I've even set goals for 2011, something that I hardly ever do.  Some of my goals are not smart (specific, measurable, attainable, etc.), but I'm ok with that.  The point is I have things I want to accomplish and am going to work towards them.

2011 goals
1. Memorize 24 Bible verses.
2. Lose 5-10 pounds.
3. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
4. Learn to sew and/or knit.
5. Be a better wife.
6. Figure out a time for personal worship during the week and a format.

The one I'm most excited about is memorizing 24 Bible verses.  It's so strange, but I don't think I've ever been this excited about memorizing scripture.  In fact, probably the last time I had to memorize something from the Bible was in Midweek or Confirmation many years ago.  Beth Moore, an amazing women's ministry Bible leader, is the one who put forth the challenge.  More info can be found here and here.  Basically, you choose a verse to mediate upon for 2 weeks.  The one I choose for the first two weeks in January is:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.    John 14:27 NIV

I came across the verse in my daily devotional reading and it nearly brought me to tears because I realized how my heart was troubled and afraid.  I was not at peace.  I decided that needed to change and was not where God wanted me, so I'm meditating on those beautiful words from Jesus and praying for another year lived in the Lord.  I don't know what 2011 will bring and I have fears surrounding if I'll get pregnant again and what the outcome might be and if we're going to be moving soon (more about that later).  But the God I believe in knows what 2011 will bring and therefore, I will trust in Him today and try not to think about tomorrow.