Prayer Buddy Reveal

This was only my 2nd time participating in Prayer Buddies, but it was still so much fun.  The first time around I was introduced to new bloggers through the person I prayed for and the one who prayed for me.  This time around, I actually already knew my prayer buddy before the assignment, so I didn't have to be an anonymous reader until the reveal.  In fact, I felt way sneaky this time around, and I kind of enjoyed it.

I started out praying for my prayer buddy as she had recently had surgery a few months prior.  I prayed for her body to continue healing from that surgery, and I also prayed for guidance and wisdom as she contemplated starting a new IF support group after a recent move.  My prayers quickly shifted when she found out she was pregnant!  How great it was to be able to comment, email, and text words of encouragement to her while she probably didn't suspect me as her prayer buddy.  I prayed for her baby to be safe through falling progesterone and her lack of pregnancy symptoms and then I rejoiced with her over her great, first ultrasound appointment.

How amazing it was to have been used as God's instrument through prayer in her life during these first few weeks of her pregnancy.  It was easy to sympathize and pray for her as I experienced some of the same fears and worries she did (falling progesterone, lack of symptoms, etc.).  I was honored to pray for: Matching Moonheads (and Baby Moonhead as well).  A- please know I will continue to pray for you through this pregnancy.  I feel like God has connected us these past few weeks and I can't wait to journey together.

And a special thanks to my prayer buddy this summer who prayed me through the first few crazy weeks of this pregnancy!  Thank you, thank you!

Only 2 months until Advent!  I'm assuming we're doing Advent Prayer Buddies again?  I can't wait!

Insert Huge Sigh of Relief

All is still well!

I meet with my new OB for the first time today and she didn't freak out about all the meds I'm on, the progesterone injections, or my history, so that is a good sign.  She was pretty chill with everything, and I guess I'll take that at this point.  She even agreed to check my progesterone levels today in addition to all the blood work drawn for a new OB panel.

She did a quick ultrasound and confirmed "Biscuit" is still growing away.  He/she was 4 mm 10 days ago and now he/she is 1.4 cm- noticeably bigger on the ultrasound and now more blob like instead of like a rice grain.  The heart was beating away, but she wasn't able to get a measurement of how fast and we didn't hear it this time, but that was ok since we had that experience earlier.  Dr. said she saw the baby wiggling around, but I couldn't see that.  I'll take her word for it though.

I've been going round and round with my insurance to get the PIO injections approved. I'm hoping by Friday everything will be sorted out and I can pick up the prescription, since I don't have many doses left of my old stash.  Thankfully, I have an old stash that hadn't expired yet.

So now I have my 1st ever ultrasound picture of our baby hanging on our fridge.  I can hardly believe it.  It still seems so surreal and I feel so unworthy. I realize I have another 5 weeks to get through until we're out of the 1st trimester, but I'm actually starting to have hope that we might get to meet this baby face to face.  This is the farthest along we've ever made it in a pregnancy by more than a week.  So now more waiting ensues. I go back for my next appointment with her in 4 weeks and I'll still keep monitoring my progesterone with my Napro Dr.

Off to call my dad for his birthday and then to my women's Bible study.  I only wish I could share the news with my dad today when I call, but will wait until 12-13 weeks thanks to my gossipy mother.  I do get to share with my Bible study group as they've been praying me through these past few weeks and know the struggles I've had the past few years. 

Thank you, Jesus, for continued life in my womb.  Help me to trust in You and Your goodness more instead of being filled with so much doubt.  Bring life to the wombs of many more bloggers that are waiting on You and Your timing.

Quick Takes (9)

1. Thanks for all your comments, words of encouragement, and advice on my last post.  I can't tell you how meaningful it was to me.  I'm feeling better and more hopeful again about this pregnancy.  Monday is another big, scary ultrasound appointment, but I'm praying all goes well with it.

2. This girl is on my mind like crazy today as she goes in for her first ultrasound appointment.  I'm praying she has a great first appointment and Baby Moonhead is just perfect.

3. My sewing class ended this week, but I'm not done with my class project yet.  I have 5 out of 9 strips sewn together for the rag quilt, but I still have another 4 to go.  Then I have to clip it, wash it, and clip it again.  I have less than 3 weeks to finish it.  I'd better get moving.

4. Our gas prices here keep going up.  What is up with that?  We're at $3.62 a gallon right now and I've been reading about places around the US at $2.99.  How is that possible?

5. I got an email from Susan Mees this morning inviting me to participate in a Women's Health Panel for a $25 gift certificate.  Have any of you gotten this email recently?  I'm not sure if it's legit or not.

6. Fall is definitely arriving soon.  I was driving outside of town last night and was able to look up at the mountains and I saw red trees at the peaks.  That means it'll soon be coming down to the valley.  It's fun to watch the red and yellow colors descend down the mountainside.  I love it.

7. I'm heading back home to MN next month for a baby shower (and hopefully to meet some MN bloggers!) and my mother is already creating family drama.  I have a very strained, broken relationship with her (I'll blog the story sometime), but she drives me crazy when she tries to pick a fight with me and make me look like the bad guy and my arrival is still 3 weeks away.  Grrr.  Honestly, I'm trying not to even think about it because I don't need the extra stress at the moment (I do a good enough job creating my own extra stress!), but she probably tops my list of people that I can't stand.

Have a great weekend, everyone!  Head on over to Jen's for more Quick Takes.

Falling Progesterone

I met with my Napro Dr. yesterday for the first time since this pregnancy.  We reviewed my charts and cycle of conception and discussed medications to continue taking through the pregnancy.  We also checked my thyroid because I've been feeling so cold this pregnancy and checked my progesterone level.

He just called with my progesterone and it's gone down.  I have a pit in my stomach and am fighting back the tears.  At 4 1/2 weeks my progesterone was 27 (low Zone 3) and now at 6 1/2 weeks it's 21.5 (Zone 2).  He said it should more or less stay stable at this point or go up.

After the amazing emotional high of the ultrasound appointment on Friday, I felt down and depressed this whole weekend.  I didn't have much of an appetite and just felt like my estrogen was too high or my hormones were off.  I guess I'm not surprised then that my levels are low.

Then to make matters worse, I found out that my DH and I messed up with the PIO injection dosing.  We thought 1 cc equaled 100 mg, but 1 cc is only 50 mg, so we've been doing a half dose of PIO this whole time!  We were supposed to be doing 100 mg injections 2x a week and instead we mistakenly halfed each dose.  I feel just sick about it.  DH is still hopeful that things are fine as we saw on the ultrasound.  My worrying has been taken to a new high level at the moment.

I meet with the OB up here for the 1st time next Monday afternoon.  I'm assuming she'll do another ultrasound at that point and we'll see how much progesterone levels are affecting the life of the baby.  I hope we still see the heartbeat then, but it looks like it's another long week of waiting for me to know what is going on.  I'm really struggling with trusting God and the outcome of the pregnancy.  I only want one outcome and that is life! 

The good is I haven't had any spotting or cramping.  My progesterone levels were actually higher with the first pregnancy (31 then 24 around the same gestational time), but I did have spotting early on when my progesterone was 24.  No spotting this time around has to be a good thing, right?  And I've seen the heartbeat, which was right on schedule.  Another good thing, right?  And my appetite came back yesterday with a vengeance.  If I wasn't still trying to follow this food intolerance diet, I'd be eating footlongs from Subway every day.  But- I just can't shake the thought that I'm going down the same road as pregnancy #1.  I so want this time to be different.  When I am weak, He is strong.  I guess I should thank God for all of the reminders of how weak I am, huh?

Would you pray for the safety of our child and for my body to kick up its progesterone production??  And if you have any stories about rollercoaster progesterone levels early on, I'd love to hear them.  I did read some of your comments on Matching Moonheads site, but I'd love to hear more. 

And the Verdict is....

A new chapter seems to be beginning!!!

The ultrasound went so well today- better than we could have expected.  The tech only did an abdominal scan because he could see everything he needed to. He saw the yolk sac and fetal pole.  He saw my tilted uterus.  He saw my left ovary, which looked great.  He measured my uterus.  He tried to find my right ovary, but my bowel was covering it!  Can you believe that?  I didn't know the bowel could move.  My bowel gave us all something to laugh about.  I think I ovulated from the right side, so I would have liked to see if that's where the corpus luteum was (it didn't seem to be on the left).

But before seeing all of the above things, we saw the baby measuring 6 weeks and 1 day.  Exactly where I think I am.  The baby was 4 mm- the size of a grain of rice.  We saw good blood flow to the baby.  We saw the heart beat AND we heard the heart beat at 109 bpm.  Amazing!!  He let us just listen to the heartbeat for a bit.

I think the tech was even amazed that we could see and hear everything we did because it was so early.  He was great though.  His wife went through 6 miscarriages and now they have 5 kids through adoption and natural means.  I think he definitely sympathized with us on pregnancy number 3 and talked to us the whole time through the ultrasound.  That is exactly what I needed.

I kept thinking of Ephesians 3:20 where it talks about God who is able to do immeasurably (or abundantly) more than all we ask or imagine according to his power at work within us (my paraphrase).  And then verse 21 goes on to say to God be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever.  Amen! (paragraph again).

God did so much more than I could have even imagined or hoped for by enabling me to get in for that ultrasound appointment the day after I called, by making it an early appointment so I didn't have to fret all day, and then by showing us everything He did so clearly and enabling us to even hear the heartbeat.  I truly am in shock and awe.  I do not feel worthy to be carrying this life inside of me.

I know we're still not out of the woods yet as far as miscarriage risk goes.  We still have several weeks in front of us to get through before the risk goes way down, but we have made it further than we ever have before with a pregnancy by seeing and hearing the heart beat.  We lost the first pregnancy at 6 weeks 3 days, so I've actually been pregnant longer, but I'm starting to feel confident that this one might actually make it another 34 weeks!

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.  I know it truly is a gift from You.  I don't know why you chose me and why at this time, but help me to cherish this gift each and every day.  Help me to trust in You and Your goodness for my life.  Forgive me for all the doubt and fear I've had lately not trusting You.  Thank you.

Remedies for Worry?

Worry.  It seems that no matter what stage of life we are in, we find something to worry about.  Whether it's worry about... what major to choose in college or ....when we'll meet our spouse or ....when we'll start our family or....when we'll be able to keep a pregnancy or.....what our kids will grow up like, etc.  As women, it seems we can always find something to worry about.

I recently read these two quotes by Corrie ten Boom about worry:

Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

Are those words not so true about worry?  Nothing good comes from worry.  So why then do we continue to worry?

Matthew 6 also speaks about worry.  I try to keep in mind verses 33-34: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  

Ah....another profound statement about worry.  So that begs the question again, if we know all these things about worry, why do we continue to worry?

I've been asking myself this question a lot in the past 10 days.  Why do I continue to worry about this pregnancy when the numbers were great last week?  For me, I think it comes down to fear and not being in control.  I worry because I'm fearful of what the future might hold, and I worry because I'm not in control of the situation and I can't control the situation.

So what do I do to try and lessen the worry?  I try to follow Matthew 6:33- I try to seek God's kingdom first, so that my worry will be put into the proper perspective.  I spend time in God's Word each day through my morning devotional reading and our couple's evening devotion.  I pray to God throughout the day and also pray with my husband each night.  I try and read Christian/Biblically based books that point me to God.  I listen to Christian music in my car.

Even with all of these daily attempts to seek God's kingdom, I still find myself consumed with worry at times, so I ask you...what are your remedies for worry?

My worry factor has gone into overdrive this week as I still don't feel pregnant like I did with the 1st pregnancy.  I know every pregnancy is different, but this lack of symptoms is really throwing me for a loop. So much so that today I called the OB again and asked if I could come in for another HCG blood draw as it's been a week since my last one.  I need some sort of proof that things are going ok because I'm failing miserably at walking by faith not by sight at this moment. I wish I had a stronger faith and was more patient waiting and trusting God.

The office threw me a surprise by saying I could just come in for an early ultrasound tomorrow morning since I should be around 6 weeks now (maybe plus a few days)!  I almost fell off my office chair I was so surprised.  So did I still want to come in for that blood draw today or wait until the ultrasound tomorrow?  Guess what I chose?  Early ultrasound at 7:30am tomorrow morning!!!

Holy cow!  I flipped out after I got off the phone.  I was almost shaking.  I had no clue they would offer me an ultrasound because they've been such sticklers up until this point. I don't know if I'm more excited or nervous to have the ultrasound tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning I will have answers and that will be a relief.  I will have that sight to see what is happening in my body.  Will the baby be measuring on track?  Will the baby be in the right spot in my uterus?  Will there be blood flow to the baby?  Will we be able to detect a heartbeat?  I will know the answers to these questions in less than 16 hours.  Hopefully the tech will tell me something or I'll be able to see something myself.  If not, I have to wait until the nurse reviews it.

And I'll be honest, I'm utterly scared to find out the answers.  Tears are streaming down my face as I type this because I am so afraid and I realize the wound of miscarriage runs deep.  All of the disappointment and heartache from our first pregnancy- the missed miscarriage- just came flooding back to me as I thought about going in for an ultrasound tomorrow.  I remember all too well the joy and excitement I was filled with at that first appointment two years ago.  And then I remember the terrible news that the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind, there was no heart beat, and no blood flow to the baby.  I remember staying composed in the ultrasound room and even talking with the doctor about how to have the miscarriage.  And then I remember just wanting to sprint out of the office after it was all over.  Tears started to flow as DH and I walked to the car and then I lost it and cried for the rest of the weekend. 

And so as I go to the same office tomorrow and probably the same ultrasound room, but I pray that the outcome is so much different this time.  If you think about it, would you also pray that the answers I get tomorrow would match those of my heart's desire?  I so want this to be a new chapter in my life- one of pregnancy life not pregnancy loss.  The problem is, I'm not the one writing the chapter and that's so hard.

Counting Down

7 days until I see my Napro Dr. and get my progesterone checked.

14 days until my first ultrasound appointment!  I caved and called again this morning begging and pleading to get the appointment moved up from Oct. 7th.  After the anxiety waves from this weekend, I just decided I wasn't strong enough to wait that long.  They wouldn't schedule me before 8 weeks, but since my LMP was August 1st, they would schedule me for Sept. 26th (my dad's birthday).  I'm pretty sure I'm only around 5 1/2 weeks today, so I'll only be 7 1/2ish for the ultrasound, which I told them, but they still insist on going by your LMP.  Fine with me.  I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate until CD17-20, so that works in my favor of getting in earlier.

This means I'm in a 2 week wait.  This will probably be the hardest 2WW ever.  At least during the 2WWs for my period, I knew most likely my period was coming, so I didn't get my hopes up much.  Given my track record and all of the cycles I didn't ovulate, I knew most likely to expect some sort of period at the end of the 2WW.  This time, however, I truly don't know what this 2WW holds.  I want to believe it will be good.  I want to believe God's hand will be all over that ultrasound.  I want to trust Him fully.  And I realize I still am so not there.  After 3+ years of IF and 2 pregnancy losses, I still have so much to learn about trust, patience, and waiting.

I started re-reading a book "Sacred Waiting" as I never finished it the first time I started it.  I only read the Introduction last night, but I was reminded of how good the book is.  My goal was to have it completed by my first ultrasound, which means I've got to double up the pace now.  This is one of my favorite parts.  The author is quoting Henri Nouwen, "For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go."  David Timms continues, "He's right.  But sacred waiting teaches us to embrace the desert and relinquish our own plans."

So I'm trying to embrace my desert and give my plans up to God.  As much as I want this pregnancy to be the one, I realize I am not in control of it.  So I'll try to embrace these 2 weeks by doing something constructive and see what God has in store after that.

Prayer Buddy, sorry I'm making you work overtime!

Remembering Back

9-11-01 is a day ingrained in everyone's minds.  A day that has forever changed air travel and how safe (or unsafe) we feel inside of our own borders.  You probably remember exactly what you were doing when you received news of the terrorist attacks.  I also remember what I was doing on September 11th, except it was just a normal day of teaching for me and I had no clue America was about to change.  In fact, I was sleeping peacefully while everyone in the US watched in horror as the planes attacked and the towers fell.

You see, I was living halfway around the world in Beijing, China in 2001.  I was 23, had just graduated from college, and was embarking on an adventure of a lifetime.  I had just arrived China the end of August to be an English teacher for the school year.  I hadn't even been there a month when the news that rocked the world occurred.

I received a phone call at 7:30am on Sept. 12th (dinner time in the US on 9-11).  It was from our in-country liaison.  He started the conversation by asking if I was sitting down, which really freaked me out. He alerted me to the fact that the WTC and Pentagon had been hit by hijacked planes.  He talked about arrangements that could be made in case I needed to go home.  I'll be honest...being a Midwest girl, I'm not even sure I knew what the WTC towers looked like or how tall they were, much less how much they were a part of the New York skyline.

I met my team of other American teachers at the school for our morning prayer and the mood was somber.  As the day progressed, we learned more about the events of 9-11.  The news we received in China was filtered, but I did have a teammate who was from NY share several emails she had received from friends recounting the terror of seeing the towers collapse. 

It was hard for me to imagine what was happening in the US because we were so far away and in such a different place.  We heard about flights being cancelled and baseball games being put on hold.  We could only imagine the disarray that was taking place in the US.  It was almost like we were watching a movie because we felt so disconnected from what was happening and it didn't seem real to us.  In some ways, we felt safer being in China than if we would have been in the US.  We didn't know if there were going to be other attacks on the US in the coming weeks, so it was a scary time for us, but I don't think it even came close to the fear that people living in the US experienced.

Later that afternoon, I ran into some of my junior high students who had newspapers in hand.  They wanted to talk with me about what had happened in the US.  At that point, 15 Chinese citizens had died in the attack and those junior high boys felt a loss too.  They had a hard time understanding how such an "accident" as this could occur.

And that word "accident" kept coming up. Evidently, that is what the Chinese government initially called the terrorist attack- "a terrible accident."  This was not just a mistranslation, this was a serious misunderstanding (or an attempted cover-up) by the Chinese government.  I saw a lot of things during my time in China that I didn't necessarily agree with, but this event truly opened my eyes to the ways of the Chinese government.  I don't often talk down about China or my time there, but I was appalled by these events.

The Sunday following 9-11 (Sept. 16th), I attended church with some of my American co-workers.  We attended one of the international churches that was only for foreigners (you had to show your passport to get in).  After the time of worship, they had a memorial/prayer service in honor of 9-11.  There were people in our midst that had lost their parents, children, and co-workers, which finally made the magnitude of 9-11 hit me.  The US ambassador was also present and read a statement from then President Bush.  I finally started to realize the severity of the terrorist attacks and the wide-reaching effect it had on the US.

After 9-11, we tried to lay low for awhile.  We were put on heightened alert at our school and our foreign affairs official didn't want us going out after dark for awhile.  I remember we would tell people we were Canadians if they asked where we were from because we didn't want to draw attention to ourselves as Americans. 

I did have one really scary experience in November 2001- the only time I was traveling alone.  I was on a bus traveling from one city where I had been visiting friends and going to another city where I was meeting up with my team.  The bus was showing 2 movies during the ride. The first was a Chinese film starring a Hong Kong actress and the second was "Executive Decision."  Have you seen it before?  I hadn't, but I soon became extremely uncomfortable as the film portrayed a plane flying from Athens to DC that was hijacked.  While the hijacking movie was playing, I was talking with a Chinese girl in the seat behind me who spoke decent English. 

During the movie, 4 men sitting in front of me asking if I was an American and if I was a Christian.  I pretended like I didn't understand them (because I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell them the truth since I was on edge already because of the movie).  The girl behind me served as my translator since she didn't think I understood the mean.  I finally said that I was a Christian and avoided answering where I was from.  I then asked them if they were Christians and they said they were Muslims from Egypt.  Then they proceeded to get on the phone and I heard snippets of their conversation.

Thinking about the movie, the current world situation, and my conversation with those men, I could hardly wait to get off the bus.  I have no clue why they wanted to know where I was from and my religious beliefs and I have no idea what Arab Muslims were doing in China.  I was definitely paranoid and practically ran off that bus when it got to my stop.  That was my one 9-11 related freakout moment.  I sure got some extra prayer time in waiting for my stop to come up!

It wasn't until I returned home that following summer (June 2002), that I was finally able to view photos and videos from 9-11.  It was so surreal to me.

Quick Takes (8)

1. I started another sewing class this week at the Technical College.  This will be the 3rd sewing class I've taken this year.  You'd think I'd be an expert by now, but I still can barely operate my sewing machine on my own.  I'm making a baby quilt for my brother and sister-in-law.  When I first saw the class advertised, I wasn't going to sign up because I was still so angry and jealous that they were pregnant before me.  Over the summer, however, I thought about it and decided it would be my labor of love for them.  That as I made the quilt, I could pray for them, their marriage, and their baby, and perhaps in the process, my heart would be softened a little bit. 

There's a whole new twist now that I'm pregnant, but I still consider the quilt my labor of love.  Their colors for the nursery are light yellow, sage, and brown, so I'm hoping this flannel fabric I picked out matches.  At our first class on Tuesday we cut out 162 squares of material!  Now I have homework to piece some of the squares together with a piece of batting in the middle (I'm hoping to do 40 this weekend).  At our next class, we'll begin sewing the squares together and then we finish after that.  Only a 3 week class.  Think I can finish it all in the time frame?  We'll see.  Here are the squares I cut out and my cute bag from Joanne's that I needed to hold all my material in.

2. Fall nights and days- I love them.  We've been in the low 80s during the day and low 50s over night.  Beautiful weather!

3. I'm thinking it's time to start pulling out the fall decorations for our home.  Another fun project for the weekend.

4. I just reached Gold Level at Starbucks.  Perfect timing, huh?  Looks like DH gets to be the one to reap my free benefits.

5. Our gas prices are going up in town.  What is up with that?  We're 3.59 a gallon right now.  I thought the prices were supposed to be going down?  Not happy with that.

6. No Fantasy Football.  This will be the first time in 4 years that I haven't played Fantasy Football with my husband.  He always sets up a league with the college kids from church and I get so competitive with my team.  We would even come home from church on Sundays and have to watch the NFL games to see how my various players would do.  This year the interest doesn't seem to quite be there and that's fine with me because I would get stressed out about which players to play and which to keep on my bench.  Less stress is better for me right now.  Still, I'll miss the excitement of cheering for my players.

7. We picked up 5 farm fresh chickens today.  4 went straight into our deep freezer and the other is in our fridge waiting to be cooked this weekend.  We have one more month of pick-ups to complete our 6-month chicken share.  It's been a lot of fun and the meat has been so much healthier and fresher.  The verdict is still out, however, if we'll participate next year (it is a little pricey).

Have a great weekend.  Head on over to Jen's for more Quick Takes.

Doubled!

Just got my HCG results back from this afternoon and they doubled!  This might really be the one! Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you.  HCG was 1,076 on Tuesday and 48 1/2 hours later it was 2,157.  Almost a perfect doubling.  Am I on track for a "normal" pregnancy?  That could only be the work of God.

Now the difficult waiting and trusting begins.  I don't have any other lab work or appointments until I meet with my Napro Dr. Sept. 19th.  That's 11 days away. I just counted.  We'll check my progesterone again at that time and hopefully it'll be up from 27.  I wish he would do an early ultrasound then, but he doesn't have the equipment (or expertise?) since he's just a family doctor.  I could try to convince the nurse here at the OB office to do an early ultrasound, but I feel if my progesterone levels are rising on the 19th, that tells me the baby is still alive.  

The nurse here said I could continue to come in and do HCG quants. if it would give me peace of mind, but with the missed miscarriage (our 1st pregnancy), my HCG continued to rise at normal levels even after the baby stopped growing. It was the progesterone dropping that clued me in to something being wrong before I got the official diagnosis on ultrasound.  So I think I'll pass on doing any more HCG draws and just monitor the progesterone Sept. 19th and Oct. 3rd.  Then it'll be the big, scary ultrasound appointment with the local OB Oct. 7th.

This just gives me more time and more opportunity to work on trusting the Big Guy upstairs, right?  He knows I need practice with trusting Him.  (And I have more time to pray for others waiting as well!)

Progesterone Update: Much Better!

Well, I am doing much better today.  Thank you for your prayers, emails, and blog comments.  I got some good news on my progesterone, which helps me feel like this pregnancy might be the one that sticks.  While I was in the shower this morning (it's my deep reflection time, you know), I thought about the phone call I had yesterday with the secretary at the nurse's office where I had my blood drawn.  I realized that the progesterone results were the last ones she told me and I didn't think to ask what the date of that lab was, but I had a hunch she was just reading me my P+6 results since I had them done at an affiliated lab that would show up in her computer.  And whenever I have progesterone drawn, it's sent to the Big City, so the results take a day to get back.  I don't know why I didn't think of that before!

I knew the nurse's office was closed today (because that just seems to be how my luck goes), but I decided to stop by the hospital on my way home from work and request copies of my medical record. I knew the progesterone number from yesterday would be entered into my medical record- I've done this before:-), and sure enough it was.  My progesterone yesterday was 27!!  Woo hoo.  It did go up from 16 at P+6 to 27 yesterday, which puts it in Zone 3.  My body is producing more progesterone on it's own.  Thank you, Lord.  I'm still continuing with the shots, but it is so nice to know my body detects the pregnancy and is trying to do something on its own to sustain it.  That gives me hope that my HCG numbers will have doubled by tomorrow.

We've already cleared the first hurdle....we made it further than the 2nd pregnancy.  Now we just need to clear the second (and much, much scarier) hurdle...make it further than the 1st pregnancy.  Once I clear those dates/appointments, I think I will breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I'm sure I'll still be anxious throughout the pregnancy (I have PCOS, infertility, and pregnancy loss to thank for that), but I think it will be much less.

I am feeling so much more upbeat and optimistic today.  This might really be it!!  And yet at the same time, I feel so humbled and unworthy to carry this gift or receive your prayers.  There are so many of you amazing, faithful bloggers out there that are as much or more deserving of a pregnancy.  It's those of you still waiting that I'm thinking of particularly today.  Whether it's waiting to meet your spouse or waiting for a child in your home, these are the people on my heart today (in no particular order):

Hebrews 11:1

Patiently Waiting

Isaiah 55:8-9

I Must Have Prayed for Patience

Faith Makes Things Possible....Not Easy

Made for Another World

Be Not Afraid

Jelly Belly

What If God Says No

non-blogger D.

Polkadot

Catholic Mutt
Alive in Hope
NFP Fertility Help

Love Came Down
Blessed Be Lord

More Than Anything

Mrs. Henderson
His Perfect Timing

Infertile Catholic

TCIE

So ladies, please know that I am praying for each one of you!  I am praying that your period of waiting is coming to an end soon!  (And I apologize if I forgot you.  This is just who comes to mind at the moment.)

Fear, Worry, and Anxiety- Oh My!: ***Updated x 2

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  I know for some of you it doesn't come without a twinge of jealousy or envy, and it's those comments and prayers that are especially meaningful because I know they come with some sacrifice.  It's so nice to know this amazing community is lifting me up in prayer because the only other people I've told are 2 dear friends.  It's nice to have a place (here) to post my thoughts as I journey through whatever is going to happen.

I have tried so hard to enjoy each day as being pregnant and only think about that day, but I'll be honest, this 3rd time around has been such a struggle.  Please don't take this as complaining because I know many of you would give anything to trade shoes with me at the moment.  I'm just trying to be real and share where I'm at.  The 1st pregnancy I was so filled with joy and the 2nd one I had so much trust. This time around, I have so much anxiety, fear, and worry.  I hate that infertility and miscarriage have taken my joy away.  And I hate that Satan uses fear, worry, and anxiety to make me think of the worst possible outcome.  Numerous times these past 3 days I've found myself telling Satan to get behind me and get away from me.  I just feel him wanting to devour me.  I wish I had stronger faith and could say- "OK, Lord.  I fully trust you with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is."  But the fact of the matter is, I can't say that or I don't want to say it because I know what outcome I want.  It's almost as if I don't want to fully surrender to the Lord's will because I want to stay in control, even though I realize I can't control much (except taking progesterone) in this situation.

Going to the bathroom has been another time of anxiety as I hope I don't see any pink or red.  I've started repeating to myself- Jesus, I trust You before I go to the bathroom or anytime I find myself doubting or my mind wandering to negative thoughts.  Jesus, I trust You or Jesus, I want to trust You is really more like it because I don't think I fully trust at the moment.

I still haven't heard from my Napro dr. today even though I put an urgent request in.  Thankfully, I was able to talk the local nurse practitioner up here into doing a UA, HCG Quant., and progesterone draw.  My HCG was 1,076 this afternoon!  Woo hoo.  That seems really high and good.  Progesterone was only 16. It was 16 at my P+6 draw this month, so it seems like it hasn't risen.  Although, I don't know how much labs vary since the progesterone draws were done at different times of the day and by different labs.  I take it to mean my defunct body has not increased its progesterone body since becoming pregnant.  I so wish I could trade in my body for a new one! I think DH is giving me a PIO shot tonight regardless of if I hear back from my Napro dr.

I still don't know how far along I am.  Technically, I'm only P+17 today, but think I must be a little further along than that based on my numbers and what my chart shows (RAP and 2 inch mucus 21 days ago).  I also had to schedule my first OB appointment (October 7th), since I live in such a baby-making factory place and the OB I want to see here fills up quickly.  Thankfully, she had a spot for me and my spontaneous tears when I explained my miscarriage past got the appointment moved up to 9 1/2 weeks instead of the 10-12 weeks they usually like to make you wait until.

It was at this same 1st OB appointment in October 2009 when I found out our 1st baby had stopped growing.  This next month leading up to that same type of appointment is going to be terrible for me.  I think if I can get through that appointment and see a healthy baby and heartbeat, I will be so much better because we've never made it that far.  Perhaps, I should start a 30 days of prayer focus Sept. 7-Oct. 7.  I need to do something to get through these next 4 grueling weeks for me.

So- that's where I'm at for today.  I'm still pregnant for another day.  I've started up my pregnancy journal again (for the 3rd time) and have written down thoughts, hopes, and fears about this pregnancy.  I'm hoping this is the last time I have to start up writing in it.  DH has lovingly decided we should call our baby "biscuit."  It's not my favorite (we had squirt and sweet pea before), but I'm letting him go with it.  It's probably my way of guarding my heart and trying not to get too attached yet, but he's enjoying praying for our "biscuit in a basket."

I've been thinking of John 9 lately and longing to be like the blind man Jesus healed. Everyone wanted to know who sinned to make him blind, and Jesus replied, "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3)  I am so hoping that is the case with this pregnancy- that it will continue for another 8 months and that I might be able to proclaim God's hand of faithfulness in my life through the hard struggles of the past 3 years and use is as an opportunity to proclaim God's goodness and mercy through trials as I talk about how this is our 3rd child and we have 2 others in heaven and how I've waited on God's timing without taking measures into my own hands or those of ART. Please Lord, let me tell of your goodness through this healthy pregnancy!

***Update 1: got an email and voicemail from my Napro dr. tonight.  He said to start 100 mg PIO injections 2x a week and we'll retest my progesterone levels Sept. 19th at my next appointment.  But I'm wondering if this is enough progesterone??  When I look at the zone chart, 16 would be in zone 2 and the directions are to do 200 mg 2x a week if progesterone is less than 20.  What do you think?  He says progesterone doesn't rise much 4-6 weeks post conception, but you want it to stay steady.  I emailed to clarify, but I'm wondering if I should do 200 mg injections and/or add 600 mg suppositories?  I'm such a bad patient.  I don't always listen to my dr!

***Update 2: I had a thought in the shower this morning.  I bet the progesterone number the secretary read me was actually from last month on my P+6 draw.  She read me the UA and HCG results and then the progesterone.  I didn't even think to ask what the date was on that lab, but I'm almost positive it was from last month because they've always had to send progesterone down to the big city and it usually takes a day to get results not 3 hours.  I'm going to check this afternoon, but I'm hopeful I'll have another progesterone number from yesterday (hopefully, I pray, a higher one!).

Prayer Warriors: I Need You!

If you could spare an extra prayer or two this weekend, I would really appreciate it.  I don't usually share something like this so early, but given my history of loss, I really could use the extra prayer support.  We are not sharing this with friends or family IRL yet, so it's good I don't know you IRL:-) 

I woke up to this this morning:

A positive pregnancy test!  I'm in shock.  I just wrote about how pregnancies were on my mind because I had gotten pregnant around this same time the previous two years.  I really wasn't thinking it would happen for a 3rd time the 3rd year in a row.  Although we do believe in a God of surprises, this one has definitely caught me by surprise.

Of course, I'm freaking out. I'll email my Napro dr. after church today, but I won't be able to get my progesterone or HCG numbers until Tuesday at the earliest, since labs are closed tomorrow and then I still need my dr. to fax those requests to a lab near me since he only sees patients on Mondays. I did have my P+6 numbers done this cycle and they were good, so that is a plus. I will go ahead and start up the 600mg suppositories again in the meantime, since I do have a problem with low progesterone.  I even have some leftover PIO if I need to start up the shots, but that would mess up a Tuesday blood draw if I had DH give me one today.  I'll see what dr. thinks.

The analytical part of my can't help but scrutinize this cycle.  I'm only P+15 today, but it's been 17 days since our last time of I.  I didn't think we had good timing this cycle, but I do sometimes peak on my chart a day or two after what I think is my true peak.  The positive did show up fairly quickly on the HPT, so that makes me feel good about my HCG level, especially since it's a cheaper test that I think is only sensitive to 50.

I'm freaking out though because I know some areas are still not in balance with my body- high eosinophiles, high DHEAS, high RT3?, etc. Is my body healthy enough to sustain this pregnancy?  I pray it is. I'm also worried because I don't feel pregnant.  With the 1st pregnancy that lasted to 6+ weeks, I felt pregnant.  I remember how incredibly sensitive my chest area was. With the 2nd pregnancy that ended quickly, I had implantation spotting, but then I didn't really feel anything and my HCG was only at 25.  With this 3rd one now, I also don't really feel anything, which of course has me worried.  I've been really tired, but that's not unusual for the end of my cycle.  My bowels have been moving a lot and I've been hungry, but again, that's not too unusual. My legs and lower back have been way crampy, which is the only thing that's unusual for me post-peak.  I've also been more nauseous, but I've also been eating some foods from my intolerance list!  Ahh.  And I've been drinking coffee every day the past week or two.  Major guilty feelings now.

Ahh....so much to think about and it is all out of my control.  (Something I still have much room to grow in.)

Anyone know if I should continue with LDN while pregnant?  I didn't ask the dr. that since I didn't think I would get to this point before my next appointment in 2 weeks.

Jesus, I want to trust you with this new life in my womb, but I am so scared of miscarrying again.

Jesus, help me trust you.

***Update: Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support!  I took another test this afternoon and the 2nd line still comes up quickly:-)  I know many of you understand the fear and anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage, and I also know many of you still long to have life in your womb and another pregnancy announcement can be hard. I know. I've been in your shoes.  I was just asking myself why God answers my prayers on behalf of someone else when it seems my prayers remain unanswered.  Continue to cling to your faith in Jesus, is what He told me, and what I share with you.  I don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy, but this is His story of His work in my life.

Quick Takes (7)

1. I survived the first week of classes!  Yay.  I always dislike the first week because it can be crazy with students arriving late, students begging to move up to a higher level, etc.  So far so good.  The first week wasn't too crazy.

2. My students represent 8 countries this term: Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Rwanda, Colombia, China, South Korea, Dominican Republic, and Honduras.  I love the diversity! 

3. Last night DH and I attended a camp fire event with the college students from church.  We volunteer with the campus ministry and have a great group of students this year.  It was a beautiful night to drive up the canyon, sit by the water with a camp fire, and admire all of the stars.

4. I heard some geese flying south last night.  This worries me that summer is over and fall is soon to be upon us.

5. I absolutely love fall- the leaves changing colors, the sights and smells- pumpkin spice, apple cider, the harvest time, corn mazes, carving pumpkins, etc.  But I feel like my love of fall is diminished somewhat because I know winter comes right after fall.  It's almost like the dislike of the coming winter diminishes the joy I experience from the fall season.

6. Our low last night was 41!!  Can you believe it?  It was so cold.  We left two of our upstairs windows open, as we usually do during this time of year, to cool our house down over night.  When I woke up at 7:00 this morning, our house temperature was 65!  Brrr.

7. Our highs were just mid to upper 90s last week.  What a quick change in seasons!  I just checked the forecast and we should still be in the mid to upper 80s during the day and warm up to the 50s over night.  Much better temps!

Enjoy the long weekend, everyone!  Head on over to here for more Quick Takes on Friday.