She would have been turning four

Not as often as before, but every once in awhile, something will hit me in regards to one or both of our babies we lost to miscarriage.  It almost always takes me by complete surprise when I'm not expecting it.  Today it happened while I was perusing Facebook (while Facebook can be a great tool for keeping in touch, I often feel like Satan uses it when I'm vulnerable to remind me of how sinful I am and/or what an imperfect world we live in).

I saw a good friend had posted about her daugher's 4th birthday celebrations, and I was taken back to Fall 2009.  This friend had just announced her pregnancy a few weeks before I was planning to.  Even though we no longer lived in the same town, I was excited that we would be pregnant with our first babies at the same time.  I was waiting until my 1st ultrasound appointment and/or 1st trimester ended to make our big announcement, but we never got there.  Our 1st ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing a few weeks prior.

October 23, 2009.  A day and an event that will forever be etched in my mind.  That loss led me into a downward spiral of depression and anger at God that lasted far too many months that I care to admit. 

But God redeems those days and events.  It was October 24, 2011 that we had our 12 week u/s and OB appointment with Baby R.  A time of the year that had such a negative connotation in my mind was then filled with such joy over the miracle of a life still growing in my womb.  We are so extremely grateful for her in our life and treasure her for the gift that she is.

It was also after that 1st loss that we decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International.  We chose a girl whose birthday was June 2nd, in honor of the due date of that child.  For the past 3 years we've had the joy of writing and receiving letters from a dear girl in Ethiopia.  We just got word a few weeks ago that she completed the vocational training program (she is 20), which makes us extremely happy for her.  But it also meant we had to say goodbye to her as our sponsor child.  We just wrote our final "goodbye" letter last week.  My heart is still grieving a little from losing that connection with her.  God brings beauty from our ashes.  I'm thankful Aster was a part of our life and prayers for those years.

But it doesn't mean that I don't think about and miss those first two babies whose lives ended before we ever got to meet them this side of heaven.  June 2nd, 2010 would have been our due date with our first baby and late May 2011 was our due date for our 2nd baby.  Sadly, I don't remember my 2nd due date anymore because that pregnancy ended much too quickly to have dates etched in my mind.  The 1st pregnancy is the loss that was so much harder and traumatic for me, and consequently, probably the one that I will always remember in more detail.  The 2nd pregnancy actually produced hope as I dealt with it in a much calmer, faith-focused way.

But still, being reminded today that our daughter (DH and I both thought Baby #1 was a girl) would have been turning 4 in a week was a sad reminder of what we have lost.  I wasn't expecting tears to come while I cruised through Facebook posts, and yet, that's what happened.  Tears of sadness for us and our losses, but also all those who lose babies much too early.  Tears over the pain of our journey, and yet, recognizing that we have come up, out of that pain through much growth into joy...joy over the delight of a little girl who turned 2 a few weeks ago. Tears over how those losses have shaped us to be who we are today as her parents, acknowledging that without the losses, we would not be the same people we are today.  And it brings tears to my eyes just to think about the day where we will get to meet both of those precious little lives in heaven.  I cannot even imagine what that will be like.

Mommy is thinking about you today and missing you both, sweet little ones, and looking forward to our great reunion in heaven some day! 

March Updates

Trying to finally hit publish on this, so I can move onto other updates!

The short of March was sickness, travel to MN, and more sickness.  There, how's that for an update?

For wordy, story-teller me, you know that I have to include more details...for my sake and remembering if nothing else.  The month started off with R have another ear infection, that we thankfully caught in enough time to have a few days of meds in her system before getting on an airplane.

We were off to MN for a visit to my family.  It was with mixed emotions that we went.  I was excited for my family (especially my grandma, R's only great-grandparent) to spend time with R and see how she had grown since it had been 8 months since our last visit.  I had been planning to try and visit again before R turned 2, and it was a great to have an excuse to bring DH along to help with R and help keep things calm with my family (my mom tends to pester and attack me much more when he's not around).

The purpose of our trip was for our newest niece's baptism.  This is my little brother's 2nd child, and it was hard not to be jealous of their growing family.  When I say little, he and his wife are 29 years old, but he's 6 1/2 years younger than me and still seems little in my mind.  And starting a family and having children has never been a problem for them, so they just try and get pregnant right like that.  I hate that jealousy rears it's ugly head at a time that should be so joyful.  Plus, how can I be jealous when I have my own child that I am so extremely thankful for?  It was such a mix of emotions and like an inner wrestling match inside of me.

They named their daughter's middle name after my grandma.  Again, mixed emotions.  So neat for my grandma to be able to experience that honor, but also feeling sad again for myself because I'd been thinking about possibly using a variation of her name for a daughter's first name if we ever have another daughter.  Again, jealousy came out in my mind and I hate that.

Then the kicker is they asked DH and I to be Godparents!  No greater honor than to be asked to care for the spiritual well-being and faith of the child while she grows up.  Of course, we said yes and look forward to nurturing and encouraging her faith as she grows up. She's on our nightly prayer list along with our other Godchildren (this is #3 now).

But I still can't shake those jealous feelings at times.  How do you deal with it?  I need remedies. And I know my brother and SIL have their own issues in their marriage that DH and I don't have, so it's not like I'm looking to trade positions with them or anything.  I just want to not feel jealous when I think about them having two children before they're 30.

It was while we were in MN that the Malaysi.an Airlines plane when missing, which freaked my dad out.  He's nervous nellie when it comes to flying, and you could tell he was extra nervous sending us off from the airport to return home.  I was captivated by the news of the missing plane for weeks.  Seriously, it became an every day thing for me to read the latest updates on the search.  I don't know if it was because I used to live in Beijing or could have imagined myself or someone I'd known being on that Beijing-bound plane, but I was just hooked.  I'm still so curious as to what happened, and hope they are able to find out.

Leaving MN this time around was definitely full of mixed thoughts.  Grandma is almost 92 and I really don't know if we will see her again.  We have no plans to visit MN again for probably a year or more.  I just don't see a trip happening again before that.  I'm thankful I got the sweetest picture of R and grandma.  It was adorable.  And lots of video and memories to share with her if she never gets the chance to see her again.  Ahh...tears are coming as I type.  That's one of the downsides to living so far away from family.  I wish we were only a days' car drive away instead of 2+.

This was also the trip where a check-in agent threatened to make us buy a ticket for R because we weren't traveling with her birth certificate or anything that proved she was under 2!  Seriously, I couldn't believe it.  Of all the times we had traveled with her before (9 flights, I think) not a single person had asked for any sort of ID on her.  I guess she is tall, but what an awful feeling to have someone in authority basically tell you they believe you are lying and trying to sneak her on!  Finally, a phone call to my BFF and her being able to tell the agent R's birthday sufficed.  And the funny thing is, another agent saw the wringer that we were being put through and bumped us up to row 1- business class!  That move prevented me from calling Air Tran and complaining (1st time we've flown with them).  It was so nice to have the extra space in front of us.  Definitely made the flight go smoothly, but what a roller coaster of emotions to end that trip.

And then March ended with more sickness for R.  She came down with some sort of stomach bug that lasted close to a week.  It started in the middle of the night with repeated vomiting.  Poor girl was so scared she didn't have a clue what was going on and just kept saying, "yuckies."  All she wanted to do was nurse for comfort and go back to sleep, but that only brought on more vomiting.  I seriously had to walk away and leave her wailing with DH so time would go by for her stomach to settle down and her return to sleep.  Worst.  Night.  Ever.  And then we thought she was getting better and it started all over again 2 days later.  Honestly.  Totally scrubbed down the car seat twice in March.  Definitely a low point on my list.  And then just when she was finally getting better, DH came down with the same yucky bug that put him out of commission for 2 days and confined to the bathroom.  Amazingly and surprisingly, I was spared, which is usually not the case because his immune system is much stronger than mine usually is.

And with that lovely note, March ended.  Better updates are coming up in April and May.  I promise!!

Quick Takes (43)

--- 1 ---

This is my 201st post!  Wow.  I wasn't sure when I started this blog what would come of it, for I started it mainly as a way to connect with other IF bloggers and receive support through that network along with this being an anonymous outlet for my thoughts, struggles, and feelings during one of the hardest times in my life.  My frequency in blogging has definitely slowed down since I first started, but I love that I have a place that documents my journey- God's story- in my life.

--- 2 ---

We are finally getting back on track after our most recent trip to visit the in-laws.  That'll come in the April updates, if I ever finish and post the March ones.  We'll just say it was the most awful, stressful, uncomfortable trip ever.  Didn't see that one coming at all.  It took us nearly 2 weeks to get R back on schedule with with her sleep routine overnight and naps.  Ugh.  Happy to report that I think we're finally there though. Phew.  And we only have one possible trip planned this summer, much to DH and I's delight.  We're looking forward to a staying-home-kind-of-summer.

--- 3 ---

We are starting the weaning process.  Who ever thought I'd still be nursing a 2 year old?  Not IF, PCOS me, for sure.  My goal was to make it to a year.  And then once we hit the year mark, I just thought we'd see what happened.  At 18 months, her doctor said the WHO recommended to continue until 2, and that most babies would self-wean, so I figured...we'll just keep with it. I did start to practice gentle weaning, where I didn't offer to nurse, but I also didn't refuse when she asked.  But once we hit the 2 year mark, along with a host of other issues, I just felt emotionally and physically ready to wean.  At R's 2 year check, her doctor thought she might be using nursing as a way to manipulate me, so I've tried to limit her nursings to a few set times during the day, and it does seem to be working most days.  We're only 10 days in, so definitely still plugging away, but it's also sort of bittersweet to think of my time with her in that way is going to be coming to an end soon.  And I don't know if I'll have the chance to nurse another baby, so I think that's part of the reason I let her hang on as long as she did.  I enjoyed that special bonding time with her for sure and am so thankful for the experience even if there's not another.

--- 4 ---

It is so hard to believe we have a 2 year old in the house now!  Some days I find it hard to even believe I have a child because I spent so many years thinking it would never happen.  R is starting to be so affectionate and she's developing a little sense of humor, it is so funny.  She can identify most if not all of her letters, she knows her colors and basic shapes, and can count to thirteen. I love seeing her little mind develop.  She loves to run and jump, play outside, and would probably stay outside all day if I let her.  She likes reading books, all things with wheels (cars, trains, tractors, etc.), Curious George, bugs, and balls.  We just had her 2 year pictures taken and I cannot wait to see how they turned out (we did have to do 2 shoots though because I totally forgot to bring her outfits to the 1st one and didn't realize until we were 45 mins from home. doh!  Not one of my finer moments.)

--- 5 ---

We just joined Costco for the 1st time with a deal I found online (free items, money back, etc).  We've never lived close to one (we're still not super close), but we finally grew tired of Sam's Club and thought we'd make the change for a year and see what we think.  I'm so excited to check out some of their organic items.  Now to find the time to get over there and check everything out.  What are some of your favorite Costco items to buy?

--- 6 ---

Summer is a'coming!  School is winding down for the year here and so are many of the activities we've been participating in.  My Matthew Bible study was over a few weeks ago as well as MOPS.  DH's evening work commitments free up quite a bit soon, and we're looking forward to tackling our long (and growing) summer to-do list.  You know, all those house projects we haven't done the 9 months we've been here.

--- 7 ---

And in other summer news, pools are opening up around here like crazy.  Hard for me to believe since it's still May, but we've definitely had several days where a dip in the pool sounds quite refreshing.  Although as I type that, I'm sitting in long sleeves and pants.  It was 70 for a high today with 48 overnight.  Everyone around here is complaining about the unseasonably "cool" weather.  DH and I are loving the break from the heat.  Looks like it's remaining "cool" (ie. 70s) through the weekend.  Can't wait.  Going to enjoy it.  Hope you enjoy it too!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!