She would have been turning four

Not as often as before, but every once in awhile, something will hit me in regards to one or both of our babies we lost to miscarriage.  It almost always takes me by complete surprise when I'm not expecting it.  Today it happened while I was perusing Facebook (while Facebook can be a great tool for keeping in touch, I often feel like Satan uses it when I'm vulnerable to remind me of how sinful I am and/or what an imperfect world we live in).

I saw a good friend had posted about her daugher's 4th birthday celebrations, and I was taken back to Fall 2009.  This friend had just announced her pregnancy a few weeks before I was planning to.  Even though we no longer lived in the same town, I was excited that we would be pregnant with our first babies at the same time.  I was waiting until my 1st ultrasound appointment and/or 1st trimester ended to make our big announcement, but we never got there.  Our 1st ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing a few weeks prior.

October 23, 2009.  A day and an event that will forever be etched in my mind.  That loss led me into a downward spiral of depression and anger at God that lasted far too many months that I care to admit. 

But God redeems those days and events.  It was October 24, 2011 that we had our 12 week u/s and OB appointment with Baby R.  A time of the year that had such a negative connotation in my mind was then filled with such joy over the miracle of a life still growing in my womb.  We are so extremely grateful for her in our life and treasure her for the gift that she is.

It was also after that 1st loss that we decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International.  We chose a girl whose birthday was June 2nd, in honor of the due date of that child.  For the past 3 years we've had the joy of writing and receiving letters from a dear girl in Ethiopia.  We just got word a few weeks ago that she completed the vocational training program (she is 20), which makes us extremely happy for her.  But it also meant we had to say goodbye to her as our sponsor child.  We just wrote our final "goodbye" letter last week.  My heart is still grieving a little from losing that connection with her.  God brings beauty from our ashes.  I'm thankful Aster was a part of our life and prayers for those years.

But it doesn't mean that I don't think about and miss those first two babies whose lives ended before we ever got to meet them this side of heaven.  June 2nd, 2010 would have been our due date with our first baby and late May 2011 was our due date for our 2nd baby.  Sadly, I don't remember my 2nd due date anymore because that pregnancy ended much too quickly to have dates etched in my mind.  The 1st pregnancy is the loss that was so much harder and traumatic for me, and consequently, probably the one that I will always remember in more detail.  The 2nd pregnancy actually produced hope as I dealt with it in a much calmer, faith-focused way.

But still, being reminded today that our daughter (DH and I both thought Baby #1 was a girl) would have been turning 4 in a week was a sad reminder of what we have lost.  I wasn't expecting tears to come while I cruised through Facebook posts, and yet, that's what happened.  Tears of sadness for us and our losses, but also all those who lose babies much too early.  Tears over the pain of our journey, and yet, recognizing that we have come up, out of that pain through much growth into joy...joy over the delight of a little girl who turned 2 a few weeks ago. Tears over how those losses have shaped us to be who we are today as her parents, acknowledging that without the losses, we would not be the same people we are today.  And it brings tears to my eyes just to think about the day where we will get to meet both of those precious little lives in heaven.  I cannot even imagine what that will be like.

Mommy is thinking about you today and missing you both, sweet little ones, and looking forward to our great reunion in heaven some day! 

Trusting God Through Pregnancy and Beyond

Trusting God.

Waiting on His "perfect" timing.

Letting Him be in control of my life.

These are all areas that have been a struggle in my life.  I can think back to some of the darkest times during my infertility journey and screaming and crying out to God because I didn't trust Him or didn't agree with the timing He was choosing for my health/fertility issues.  I have really struggled with my lack of trust of God through IF and miscarriage.  I feel like in the past few months, however, something has changed and my trust has increased.

This weekend I went back and read through most of my pregnancy journal that I started with the 1st pregnancy back in September 2009.  I read through the joys of that 1st ever BFP and read through the heartache that followed after the missed miscarriage and re-living all of those significant dates a year later.  I read through my struggle that year after and then about the 2nd BFP in September 2010 and then that loss as well.  My journal writing in that journal became pretty sporadic after the 2nd loss.  Sure, I still wrote in it when things related to IF, loss, or my spiritual walk as a result of those things came up, but it was only a few times a year.  And then I picked it up again in September 2011 with this 3rd, most surprising BFP.

From the very beginning of this pregnancy, I've been repeating the phrase, "Jesus, I trust in you" over and over in my head because I was not at a place of trust at the beginning of this pregnancy.  Even with the near perfect HCG doubling, the good progesterone numbers at the beginning, the fabulous u/s and sound of the heartbeat at 6w1D, the next u/s at 8 weeks, and then another u/s at 12 weeks.  I was an emotional wreck that 1st trimester and needed to continue remind my heart that I was trusting in Jesus.  I can remember those first few weeks repeating that phrase over in my head every time I went to the bathroom and before checking the TP.  I was that worried about another miscarriage.

I was just starting to settle down a little and my progesterone numbers starting doing 20 point swings at 12 weeks and doubt began to creep in again.  And then all of my 1st trimester symptoms went away over night and I freaked out and had to go in and get the heartbeat checked.  Surely, this 3rd pregnancy was too good to be true.  Surely, it would end like the other 2 have.  Surely, this broken, old body couldn't sustain a pregnancy all the way through.  The constant mind battle from 1st trimester carried over into 2nd trimester.  It wasn't all the time.  There were times of joy and wonder over this miracle of creation, but most of the time I would stop and let my mind wander, it would wander into the realm of doubt lack of trust.  Even though all of the signs except the wacky progesterone numbers continued to indicate a healthy, viable pregnancy, I still couldn't believe it and trust God.  I even was still lacking trust when we went in for the big u/s appointment at 19 weeks.  I thought for sure we would see something wrong because it had been 7 weeks since our last u/s appointment.

And then something changed.  I don't really remember exactly when, why, or how, but in January around 22-24 weeks or so, I started to relax and trust and believe that God had this pregnancy under control.  Maybe it was feeling the baby move more obviously, or the duration of time that had passed with the pregnancy, or the many prayers and support of faithful believers that had been lifting us up since we announced the pregnancy in late October and early November.

Or it could have been the two Bible verses I started meditating on in December.  Every time I was in the bathroom, I would see Psalm 139:13 (you knit me together in my mother's womb) and Psalm 139:16 (all the days ordained for me were written in your book before I was born) written out and hanging on the mirror.  I had decided I need to train my mind and heart into believing that God really was in control, and the best way to do it was through Scripture and the power of the Holy Spirit.  I could not simply keep relying on my sinful mind to trust God with this pregnancy and child.  I needed higher power!  I also realized, something had to change otherwise I was going to be a stressed out/worry-wart mother all of the days of this child's life.  That is not what I wanted for me or Baby.

Whatever it was, I started to settle down.  My progesterone still continued 20 point swings from Zone 1 to Zone 2 and then Zone 1 again, but I didn't freak out and worry about it as much as before.  In fact, I stopped going every 2 weeks to check the progesterone level (per my Napro Dr.'s suggestion), and instead went every 3-4 weeks.  My Napro Dr. said I could still continue with checks in 2 week intervals, but I was ok not doing that.  I waited 3 and 4 weeks between progesterone checks!  Amazing.  Sure, I still had my thoughts and moments of doubts, but I tried to pray and remind myself of the trust with God I was having with this child.

And then there would be days (usually once or twice a week) where Baby was much less active in the womb.  I would start to fret and debate calling the OB, but then I would feel a movement or two and say I was trusting Jesus with this baby and if things weren't different by the morning, I'd go in and see the OB.  And every single time that happened (almost once a week since January/February), Baby would be moving just fine the next day.  In fact, Baby seemed to develop a pattern where he/she would have a super active day followed immediately by a decreased activity day.  This has been going on most of the 2nd and 3rd trimester.  Do I like it?  No.  I'd rather have Baby with the same activity level every day, but I've learned to deal with it much better.

My DH also pointed out other areas where he's really seen me grow in my trust- the timing of this Baby's arrival with house projects and my teaching, anticipation of labor and delivery, uncertainty about breastfeeding thanks to my PCOS, etc.  He has noticed a change in me the past few months as well, which only confirms what I have been feeling inside in regards to trusting God.  I've become a lot more balanced with my emotions instead of the rollercoaster highs and lows that would accompany me and my fears.  I don't freak out nearly as much as I have in the past.  I'm more relaxed and calm.

Does that mean I don't have doubts or trust issues with God any more?  Of course, not.  Do I have a perfect trust?  Heck, no.  Trusting God will be a lifelong faith issue for me.  I still struggle, but I'm hoping the experience and lessons I've learned about trusting God these past few months during pregnancy will carry over into motherhood in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead!

Now, please don't misunderstand this explanation of trust as being reckless or careless with this precious child's life.  I never thought or had an intuition that Baby was in imminent danger.  How I seem to work is I get an idea in my idea (What if something is wrong with Baby today because he/she seems to be moving less?), and then I dwell on it all day until I've worked myself up into a tizzy and can't think about anything but this "problem" I've created in my mind.  This is the area of trusting God that I have been working on, so that when those thoughts come into my mind, I remind myself that I am trusting God with this issue/child.

Miscarriage Thoughts and Resources

Now that the leg cramp fiasco seems to be on the mend, back to our regularly schedule blogging!  I had actually started this post before the leg drama.  

For whatever reason, in the past 3 weeks I've heard about more and more faith-filled women going through the heartache of miscarriage.  Some of you have posted prayer requests on your blogs for these women you know, others have talked about it on their own blog, and yet others have been made aware to me through email.  Some of you have asked what to say or how to support these women.  Here's part of my story to perhaps help in that understanding and to also share some of the resources I think are helpful for those suffering through a miscarriage.

First of all, my heart goes out to each of these ladies and their husbands.

Miscarriage is such a heart-wrenching, devastating thing (even more so to the IF girl who's waited years to get pregnant).  I will never know why we had to go through the pain of not 1, but 2 miscarriages.  I always suspected it would take us awhile to get pregnant (2 years of trying), but I had never imagined we would have to face such a loss.  The first miscarriage absolutely devastated me.  I was so ticked off at God for allowing it to happen.  Sidenote: I never thought God caused the miscarriage to happen, but I knew in His divine healing power, He could have stepped in to prevent it.

My faith relationship really suffered for a quite awhile after that miscarriage.  I was so mad at God that I didn't want to worship Him, talk to Him, or tell Him how I was feeling.  I felt as if He didn't care and didn't love me enough.  I still continued my faith activities (regular Sunday worship, weekly women's Bible study, etc.), but I was often simply going through the actions and not allowing myself to feel God's presence in my life.

This lasted for several months.  It seemed like my husband rebounded much quicker than I did after that loss.  I even saw a Christian counselor to discuss my grief and anger about the loss of our 1st child, and she was able to assure me that a lot of what I was going through was normal.  Still, I didn't like "normal."  I wanted the pain and heartache to be gone, and yet it took many, many months for me to heal.

A lot of people were extremely supportive and caring immediately after the loss.  People sent sympathy cards and notes, checked in and asked how I was doing, and even offered more.  It felt good that so many recognized the life of our child in the womb and grieved with us.  There were a few that had cliche comments like "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again soon" or "everything happens for a reason."  Those cliche answers did nothing to soothe the pain of my grief.  People are really uncomfortable with loss and grief if they don't know what to say.  Sometimes it is ok to say nothing or simply give a hug and say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

But after a few weeks, all of that support seemed to fade away.  I felt ashamed that I was still grieving 3 or 4 or 5 months after our loss.  It was almost as if I felt I should be over my grief at that point because everyone had moved on with their lives.  The counselor really helped me to see that grief is a process...and sometimes you take 2 steps forward only to take 2 back.  I felt so much better after talking with her and got over my unrealistic expectations of how I should grieve and for how long.

SHARE- a national pregnancy loss support group has some great resources for people going through a miscarriage and those close to them wanting to support them in their loss.  Go here for some of those resources.

A year after our 1st loss, I joined a Share support group in my area and attended a few of their meetings.  It was comforting to meet women who had also experienced losses and to talk with them about the process I was going through.  I went to a few of their monthly support meetings and attended an annual balloon release, which was timed perfectly since we had just experienced a 2nd loss at that point.

At the same time, I wanted to make sure that I didn't focus so much on the past that I neglected the present and future.  I think Share is a wonderful resource for women grieving the loss of a child, but it's important to not get stuck in that place and spend more time looking back than looking forward.  Some of the women in my local group had been attending for 5-10 years, which I thought was a little excessive for that level of grief, but everyone does grieve differently.

Milestones were hard for me with the 1st loss.  I'd been pregnant for 9-10 weeks and had already calculated out when we would tell our parents, when I'd be 20 weeks for the big ultrasound, and my due date.  After the loss, I still had those dates ingrained in my mind, and as they approached, I became particularly moody and depressed.  I had to grieve again as I encountered each of those dates.   It would have been nice to have had a friend remember/know about those dates and come with comforting words or just her presence during those times as well.

The due date was the most difficult date.  I thought for sure we'd be pregnant again by that point, but when the due date came and went without another pregnancy, I was devastated.  It was around that time that I finally decided I had to work more on my relationship with God.  He apparently wasn't acting as I thought He would in my life, so it was time to reexamine my relationship and time spent with Him because I was sad to admit it, but I'd spent a lot of those 9 months being away from Him because I was so disappointed with the miscarriage.  I picked up amazing book called, "When Love and Sorrow Embrace: The sufficiency of God's grace through the heartache of miscarriage."  This book is what got me back on track with my relationship with God.  It looks at numerous Biblical accounts of God working in the lives of others and draws similarities to His working in my life- even through miscarriage.

Another sidenote: I see the same author, Beth Forbus, has another book out: "Surviving Infertility..."  It looks quite good and looks like it's a book, Bible study, and journal all in one. Definitely a plus for some personal reflection time.

The 2nd miscarriage- almost a year to the date of our 1st pregnancy- wasn't nearly as devastating as the 1st one.  I'm not sure why that was.  Perhaps because the 2nd miscarriage was much faster...we found out we were pregnant and a few days later it was over already.  With the 1st miscarriage, we had weeks to dream and plan and enjoy the pregnancy together.  We had our 1st OB appointment, our 1st ultrasound, and then complete devastation.  And then we had 2 more weeks of waiting until my body let go of that tiny life, so I think the 1st was definitely more traumatic as well.

And then nearly one year after our 2nd pregnancy, we find out about our 3rd.  And this is from a PCOS girl with very irregular cycles.  I will never know why we had to experience such heartache as miscarriage.  That's one of those things I would love to ask when I walk through the pearly gates, but I have a feeling at that point, it won't matter any more and I won't even think to ask!  But I will say that going through that painful process has opened my heart so much more to the pains of others.  I now understand the grief process more than before and am so much more compassionate towards others experiencing a loss, especially women going through miscarriage.  Was that my lesson in all of this?  That I'd be able to offer more comfort as a result of the comfort I received (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 for more on this idea)?  I'm starting to think that may be the case because I've encountered numerous women in the past 2 years that are experiencing something similar.  Miscarriage accounts for 20-25% of all pregnancies, and yet, it seems to be such an un-discussed topic.  Or was my lesson a personal one to deepen my faith and reliance on Him?  Or was it to show His power and His timing even if it's not the path or timing I would choose?

I don't know the definitive answer to these questions, and I probably never will.  I can say I am a different person now as a result of those experiences.  There's no going back to who I was prior to that 1st loss.  Would I choose that pathway again for myself? No!  Do I see how God's hand was in my life then even though He felt so far away?  Yes!  And maybe that is the take away lesson...God's continual presence in our life despite what our emotions may tell us.

For those that have never experienced a pregnancy loss, I pray you never have to.  I hope that by my telling my perspective of my loss, you'll have a little more insight to the grieving process, and as a result, can better support your friends and family around you that may be experiencing the same thing.  For those that have experienced a loss, my heart and prayers truly go out to you.  Cling to your faith during those extremely dark times.  It will get you through. 

Honoring the Past and Looking Ahead

Go over and give this lady some bloggy love as she celebrates her one-year blog-o-versary.  And you just might win her giveaway! 

I was one of the lucky recipients of her birthday giveaway, and I wanted to share the cool God-moment that came as a result.  I was able to pick one of her hand-crafted items as my prize.  Originally, I choose something that I liked but didn't have time to email her my request right then, so I decided to do it later.  Later came, and for whatever reason, I had my DH look at all of the options and help me pick one.  He liked this other item that wasn't even on my radar.

I kept wondering why he liked the bracelet the best, but I do value his opinion and kept pondering my choice (real decisive, huh?).  Around that same time, I was curious what the birthstone for May was.  I was thinking about this baby in my womb, still wondering if we will get to meet him/her on earth, and thinking about my May due date.  When I learned the birthstone for May is an emerald, I just knew I needed to request that bracelet that DH picked out.  I love the symbolism that I feel God put before me. 

The fact that there are only 2 large stones on it is just perfect...it represents the 2 babies we have lost before this one, yet the emerald color reminds me of this 3rd baby we are hoping to meet in May.  The symbolism is so deep for me.  It connects my painful past with my present and (hopefully) future!  I love that I can look at the bracelet and be reminded of the 2 little lives we have yet to meet and feel like I'm honoring their memory, while at the same time look ahead with hope to this 3rd life we are praying for right now.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately about moving on and not wanting to forget our 2 little lives.  This is such a simple, yet significant way to honor their memory in my heart, and also help my grieving heart heal and prepare to embrace a new life!  I feel like the bracelet was made just for me, even though I'm sure it was made months ago.  I love when God gives me signs or shows me He knows what I'm going through in ways that I least expect it.  Thanks for reading about my God-moment!  Here's what the bracelet looks like:

Prayer Buddy: pray for us tomorrow morning as we have our big ultrasound appointment!  I'm praying all is perfectly formed and developed in this child.  I keep thinking of Psalm 136:13- that God is the one who created this child's inmost being and He is knitting him/her together (perfectly, I hope!) in my womb.

Remembering Back 2 Years Ago

Last year, October was a really hard month for me.  I celebrated National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day on October 15th, we were recovering from a 2nd miscarriage, and I was remembering back to a year ago with our 1st pregnancy loss.  This October has been much different and I haven't really realized it until now.

First of all, I completely forgot October 15th.  Part of that was because I was traveling, but another part of me thinks it's because I am pregnant now and also healing.  And then I nearly forgot that today marks 2 years since we found out we had lost our first baby.  Last year I was in such a funk around this time.  I was quite depressed as I remembered back to that fateful day in 2009 when we first saw our baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat or blood flow.

I would have forgotten all about it this year, except when I flipped my Bible-verse-a-day calendar to October 23rd, I read the verse and quote and remembered.  I've been using this same flip chart style calendar now for a few years.  Each day has a quote and matching verse on it.  I never remember what I read from year to year, so it's easy to use the same calendar for a number of years in a row!  It sits above our kitchen sink, and each morning as I'm preparing breakfast, I flip to the current day and read the thoughts for the day.

None of the other 364 days stand out to me except October 23rd.  That is the only date I remember when I read it now.  It says: The joy of Jesus will dry all tears.  And the verse to go with it is from Psalm 126:5- Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I remember reading that on October 23, 2009 as I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant with our first child.  I had my first ultrasound appointment that afternoon, but I had sensed something could be wrong with the pregnancy before that as some of my symptoms had disappeared and my progesterone was low.  That morning as I flipped the calendar over and read those words, I started crying.  I just knew in my heart that God was preparing me for bad news at the appointment that afternoon.  So it came as little surprise to me when the ultrasound revealed our baby had stopped growing 2 weeks prior.  My heart already knew.  I didn't even cry until after I left the OB office.

And so I remember back on that painful time 2 years ago and all the pain that came as we processed through our grief not once but two times over the past two years.  Why did we have to experience the loss of two children?  Why the pain of infertility before that and then between those losses?  Until I see Jesus face to face, I won't know those answers, but I can't help but think our pain has made us more compassionate, caring people of God.  My DH and I couldn't help someone in pain if we hadn't experienced such pain ourselves.  Now I don't think God caused our miscarriages to happen, but I do think He has used them for good in how we are able to relate to others.

And here I sit, on the eve of another ultrasound appointment.  This time 11 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I can't help but wonder if my songs of joy are coming.  I've been trying to get a sense for where my heart is at with this pregnancy, and part of me thinks my heart senses everything will be ok tomorrow.  There's no guarantee and OB appointments still make me nervous and anxious, but I pray our time of sowing in tears is over.  I'm ready to reap songs of joy!  And- October 24th is a new day!

June 2nd

I have so many posts swirling around in my head.  I just wish I had time to put them all down here. Work is so busy during the week I hardly have time to get anything else done and then the weekends have been when I do all my catching up with the house and life.  The good news is, however, that after this week I only have 2 weeks left.  Yippee!  I'm so ready for a break.

Despite the busy-ness, I'm popping in with a special post for a special day: June 2nd.  This is a day that will probably forever be etched in my mind for both sad and happy reasons.

The sad- this was a day that initially brought so much hope when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.  The roller coaster of emotions that lead up to that first pregnancy and then the roller coaster of emotions after that pregnancy ended.  I don't think I'll ever forget it.

It's been a year since that due date and I've watched a few people with similar due dates raise their children up and celebrate one-year birthdays now.  It's so strange to think how my life would be different if I had a one-year old.  I don't question God's timing as much with that miscarriage anymore because I see how much I've grown more compassionate and stronger over the past year and over the past year and nine months.  But that doesn't mean I've forgotten. 

One song I love that addresses miscarriage specifically is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark.  If you've lost a child, it's a must listen, but I warn you- it will make you cry.  I love it on so many levels.  Here's just a sample of some of the lyrics:
Heaven will hold you before we do....Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you.

Let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you, you'll just have heaven before we do.

Aren't those lyrics perfect?

I also love that the song addresses the emotions....that we miss the child, that we can't wait for the day when we see him/her, that the grief and hurt are there, yet there is hope in the knowledge that God works all things together for our good and He works His purposes.

You can listen to it here.  Have tissues ready.

And the happy- June 2nd is the birthday of our sponsor child.  I wrote more about that here.  We wanted to make something good of the date, so we sponsored a girl with that birthday.  Happy birthday to that special girl from Ethiopia. We pray for her each night, as we would for our own child (if God blesses us with such).

And so today...I look back and remember....and I look forward with hope.....

Reflecting on What Might Have Been

Any journalers out there? I've gone through spurts where I've journaled daily and then there have been spans of months or years where I haven't written down reflections.  Lately, I'm on a journaling kick again and have been going strong for the past 3 years or more.  I think I really picked up daily journaling again when we started trying to conceive and I was diagnosed with PCOS.  Keeping a daily journal helps me to process what I'm thinking and feeling as well as lets me record how I see God working.  And I love having the written record to look back on and see how God answered prayers or remind myself of how God was working in my life when I don't feel that He is currently working.

For whatever reason, I went back to read through some of my journal yesterday.  Perhaps it's because I'm feeling hopeful again that God has good things coming and I'm seeing His hand in my life.  I'm feeling positive about the changes I'm making regarding my diet now that I'm aware of all of the food intolerances that have been wreaking havoc in my body.  I was really last filled with that same hope in September, and so I started there and read through those months from last fall.

September was also the time we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child, and while that pregnancy ended so quickly, it brought me hope.  I re-read those hope-filled words I had written and was reminded of why and how God had filled me with hope.  I was also reminded of another fact that I had completely forgotten- I had calculated our due date with that baby.  I didn't think I had because the date wasn't etched in my mind as it was with the first baby and miscarriage.

Our due date was May 22nd- today.

And so I write in honor and memory of our little one that is now dancing in the presence of Jesus.  I still can't believe I forgot our due date.  I had remembered it was in May because I was so relieved that it was a different month, a new month, as our due date with our first loss was June 2nd of the previous year.  I remember being so excited about the timing because it meant my husband could still go on our mission trip to Russia in July and I could stay home with our baby.

And here I sit today- thinking about how vastly different our life might have been had that pregnancy stuck.  We'd be holding a newborn or preparing for labor right now to meet our Sweet Pea.  I also can't help but think about the fact we would have had an almost 1-year old now if the first pregnancy with Squirt had stuck.

And yet our life is so different from what might have been.  We're both preparing for a mission trip to Russia in July- no doubt a trip of a lifetime that we get to experience together, and yet, a part of me is sad for the two lives that ended much too quickly.  I'm still hopeful God will bring life to my womb again and life that will result in us meeting our next child face to face on earth.  Jesus, I trust in You.