Remembering Back 2 Years Ago

Last year, October was a really hard month for me.  I celebrated National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day on October 15th, we were recovering from a 2nd miscarriage, and I was remembering back to a year ago with our 1st pregnancy loss.  This October has been much different and I haven't really realized it until now.

First of all, I completely forgot October 15th.  Part of that was because I was traveling, but another part of me thinks it's because I am pregnant now and also healing.  And then I nearly forgot that today marks 2 years since we found out we had lost our first baby.  Last year I was in such a funk around this time.  I was quite depressed as I remembered back to that fateful day in 2009 when we first saw our baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat or blood flow.

I would have forgotten all about it this year, except when I flipped my Bible-verse-a-day calendar to October 23rd, I read the verse and quote and remembered.  I've been using this same flip chart style calendar now for a few years.  Each day has a quote and matching verse on it.  I never remember what I read from year to year, so it's easy to use the same calendar for a number of years in a row!  It sits above our kitchen sink, and each morning as I'm preparing breakfast, I flip to the current day and read the thoughts for the day.

None of the other 364 days stand out to me except October 23rd.  That is the only date I remember when I read it now.  It says: The joy of Jesus will dry all tears.  And the verse to go with it is from Psalm 126:5- Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I remember reading that on October 23, 2009 as I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant with our first child.  I had my first ultrasound appointment that afternoon, but I had sensed something could be wrong with the pregnancy before that as some of my symptoms had disappeared and my progesterone was low.  That morning as I flipped the calendar over and read those words, I started crying.  I just knew in my heart that God was preparing me for bad news at the appointment that afternoon.  So it came as little surprise to me when the ultrasound revealed our baby had stopped growing 2 weeks prior.  My heart already knew.  I didn't even cry until after I left the OB office.

And so I remember back on that painful time 2 years ago and all the pain that came as we processed through our grief not once but two times over the past two years.  Why did we have to experience the loss of two children?  Why the pain of infertility before that and then between those losses?  Until I see Jesus face to face, I won't know those answers, but I can't help but think our pain has made us more compassionate, caring people of God.  My DH and I couldn't help someone in pain if we hadn't experienced such pain ourselves.  Now I don't think God caused our miscarriages to happen, but I do think He has used them for good in how we are able to relate to others.

And here I sit, on the eve of another ultrasound appointment.  This time 11 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I can't help but wonder if my songs of joy are coming.  I've been trying to get a sense for where my heart is at with this pregnancy, and part of me thinks my heart senses everything will be ok tomorrow.  There's no guarantee and OB appointments still make me nervous and anxious, but I pray our time of sowing in tears is over.  I'm ready to reap songs of joy!  And- October 24th is a new day!