Now that the leg cramp fiasco seems to be on the mend, back to our regularly schedule blogging! I had actually started this post before the leg drama.
For whatever reason, in the past 3 weeks I've heard about more and more faith-filled women going through the heartache of miscarriage. Some of you have posted prayer requests on your blogs for these women you know, others have talked about it on their own blog, and yet others have been made aware to me through email. Some of you have asked what to say or how to support these women. Here's part of my story to perhaps help in that understanding and to also share some of the resources I think are helpful for those suffering through a miscarriage.
First of all, my heart goes out to each of these ladies and their husbands.
Miscarriage is such a heart-wrenching, devastating thing (even more so to the IF girl who's waited years to get pregnant). I will never know why we had to go through the pain of not 1, but 2 miscarriages. I always suspected it would take us awhile to get pregnant (2 years of trying), but I had never imagined we would have to face such a loss. The first miscarriage absolutely devastated me. I was so ticked off at God for allowing it to happen. Sidenote: I never thought God caused the miscarriage to happen, but I knew in His divine healing power, He could have stepped in to prevent it.
My faith relationship really suffered for a quite awhile after that miscarriage. I was so mad at God that I didn't want to worship Him, talk to Him, or tell Him how I was feeling. I felt as if He didn't care and didn't love me enough. I still continued my faith activities (regular Sunday worship, weekly women's Bible study, etc.), but I was often simply going through the actions and not allowing myself to feel God's presence in my life.
This lasted for several months. It seemed like my husband rebounded much quicker than I did after that loss. I even saw a Christian counselor to discuss my grief and anger about the loss of our 1st child, and she was able to assure me that a lot of what I was going through was normal. Still, I didn't like "normal." I wanted the pain and heartache to be gone, and yet it took many, many months for me to heal.
A lot of people were extremely supportive and caring immediately after the loss. People sent sympathy cards and notes, checked in and asked how I was doing, and even offered more. It felt good that so many recognized the life of our child in the womb and grieved with us. There were a few that had cliche comments like "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again soon" or "everything happens for a reason." Those cliche answers did nothing to soothe the pain of my grief. People are really uncomfortable with loss and grief if they don't know what to say. Sometimes it is ok to say nothing or simply give a hug and say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."
But after a few weeks, all of that support seemed to fade away. I felt ashamed that I was still grieving 3 or 4 or 5 months after our loss. It was almost as if I felt I should be over my grief at that point because everyone had moved on with their lives. The counselor really helped me to see that grief is a process...and sometimes you take 2 steps forward only to take 2 back. I felt so much better after talking with her and got over my unrealistic expectations of how I should grieve and for how long.
SHARE- a national pregnancy loss support group has some great resources for people going through a miscarriage and those close to them wanting to support them in their loss. Go here for some of those resources.
A year after our 1st loss, I joined a Share support group in my area and attended a few of their meetings. It was comforting to meet women who had also experienced losses and to talk with them about the process I was going through. I went to a few of their monthly support meetings and attended an annual balloon release, which was timed perfectly since we had just experienced a 2nd loss at that point.
At the same time, I wanted to make sure that I didn't focus so much on the past that I neglected the present and future. I think Share is a wonderful resource for women grieving the loss of a child, but it's important to not get stuck in that place and spend more time looking back than looking forward. Some of the women in my local group had been attending for 5-10 years, which I thought was a little excessive for that level of grief, but everyone does grieve differently.
Milestones were hard for me with the 1st loss. I'd been pregnant for 9-10 weeks and had already calculated out when we would tell our parents, when I'd be 20 weeks for the big ultrasound, and my due date. After the loss, I still had those dates ingrained in my mind, and as they approached, I became particularly moody and depressed. I had to grieve again as I encountered each of those dates. It would have been nice to have had a friend remember/know about those dates and come with comforting words or just her presence during those times as well.
The due date was the most difficult date. I thought for sure we'd be pregnant again by that point, but when the due date came and went without another pregnancy, I was devastated. It was around that time that I finally decided I had to work more on my relationship with God. He apparently wasn't acting as I thought He would in my life, so it was time to reexamine my relationship and time spent with Him because I was sad to admit it, but I'd spent a lot of those 9 months being away from Him because I was so disappointed with the miscarriage. I picked up amazing book called, "When Love and Sorrow Embrace: The sufficiency of God's grace through the heartache of miscarriage." This book is what got me back on track with my relationship with God. It looks at numerous Biblical accounts of God working in the lives of others and draws similarities to His working in my life- even through miscarriage.
Another sidenote: I see the same author, Beth Forbus, has another book out: "Surviving Infertility..." It looks quite good and looks like it's a book, Bible study, and journal all in one. Definitely a plus for some personal reflection time.
The 2nd miscarriage- almost a year to the date of our 1st pregnancy- wasn't nearly as devastating as the 1st one. I'm not sure why that was. Perhaps because the 2nd miscarriage was much faster...we found out we were pregnant and a few days later it was over already. With the 1st miscarriage, we had weeks to dream and plan and enjoy the pregnancy together. We had our 1st OB appointment, our 1st ultrasound, and then complete devastation. And then we had 2 more weeks of waiting until my body let go of that tiny life, so I think the 1st was definitely more traumatic as well.
And then nearly one year after our 2nd pregnancy, we find out about our 3rd. And this is from a PCOS girl with very irregular cycles. I will never know why we had to experience such heartache as miscarriage. That's one of those things I would love to ask when I walk through the pearly gates, but I have a feeling at that point, it won't matter any more and I won't even think to ask! But I will say that going through that painful process has opened my heart so much more to the pains of others. I now understand the grief process more than before and am so much more compassionate towards others experiencing a loss, especially women going through miscarriage. Was that my lesson in all of this? That I'd be able to offer more comfort as a result of the comfort I received (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 for more on this idea)? I'm starting to think that may be the case because I've encountered numerous women in the past 2 years that are experiencing something similar. Miscarriage accounts for 20-25% of all pregnancies, and yet, it seems to be such an un-discussed topic. Or was my lesson a personal one to deepen my faith and reliance on Him? Or was it to show His power and His timing even if it's not the path or timing I would choose?
I don't know the definitive answer to these questions, and I probably never will. I can say I am a different person now as a result of those experiences. There's no going back to who I was prior to that 1st loss. Would I choose that pathway again for myself? No! Do I see how God's hand was in my life then even though He felt so far away? Yes! And maybe that is the take away lesson...God's continual presence in our life despite what our emotions may tell us.
For those that have never experienced a pregnancy loss, I pray you never have to. I hope that by my telling my perspective of my loss, you'll have a little more insight to the grieving process, and as a result, can better support your friends and family around you that may be experiencing the same thing. For those that have experienced a loss, my heart and prayers truly go out to you. Cling to your faith during those extremely dark times. It will get you through.
For whatever reason, in the past 3 weeks I've heard about more and more faith-filled women going through the heartache of miscarriage. Some of you have posted prayer requests on your blogs for these women you know, others have talked about it on their own blog, and yet others have been made aware to me through email. Some of you have asked what to say or how to support these women. Here's part of my story to perhaps help in that understanding and to also share some of the resources I think are helpful for those suffering through a miscarriage.
First of all, my heart goes out to each of these ladies and their husbands.
Miscarriage is such a heart-wrenching, devastating thing (even more so to the IF girl who's waited years to get pregnant). I will never know why we had to go through the pain of not 1, but 2 miscarriages. I always suspected it would take us awhile to get pregnant (2 years of trying), but I had never imagined we would have to face such a loss. The first miscarriage absolutely devastated me. I was so ticked off at God for allowing it to happen. Sidenote: I never thought God caused the miscarriage to happen, but I knew in His divine healing power, He could have stepped in to prevent it.
My faith relationship really suffered for a quite awhile after that miscarriage. I was so mad at God that I didn't want to worship Him, talk to Him, or tell Him how I was feeling. I felt as if He didn't care and didn't love me enough. I still continued my faith activities (regular Sunday worship, weekly women's Bible study, etc.), but I was often simply going through the actions and not allowing myself to feel God's presence in my life.
This lasted for several months. It seemed like my husband rebounded much quicker than I did after that loss. I even saw a Christian counselor to discuss my grief and anger about the loss of our 1st child, and she was able to assure me that a lot of what I was going through was normal. Still, I didn't like "normal." I wanted the pain and heartache to be gone, and yet it took many, many months for me to heal.
A lot of people were extremely supportive and caring immediately after the loss. People sent sympathy cards and notes, checked in and asked how I was doing, and even offered more. It felt good that so many recognized the life of our child in the womb and grieved with us. There were a few that had cliche comments like "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again soon" or "everything happens for a reason." Those cliche answers did nothing to soothe the pain of my grief. People are really uncomfortable with loss and grief if they don't know what to say. Sometimes it is ok to say nothing or simply give a hug and say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."
But after a few weeks, all of that support seemed to fade away. I felt ashamed that I was still grieving 3 or 4 or 5 months after our loss. It was almost as if I felt I should be over my grief at that point because everyone had moved on with their lives. The counselor really helped me to see that grief is a process...and sometimes you take 2 steps forward only to take 2 back. I felt so much better after talking with her and got over my unrealistic expectations of how I should grieve and for how long.
SHARE- a national pregnancy loss support group has some great resources for people going through a miscarriage and those close to them wanting to support them in their loss. Go here for some of those resources.
A year after our 1st loss, I joined a Share support group in my area and attended a few of their meetings. It was comforting to meet women who had also experienced losses and to talk with them about the process I was going through. I went to a few of their monthly support meetings and attended an annual balloon release, which was timed perfectly since we had just experienced a 2nd loss at that point.
At the same time, I wanted to make sure that I didn't focus so much on the past that I neglected the present and future. I think Share is a wonderful resource for women grieving the loss of a child, but it's important to not get stuck in that place and spend more time looking back than looking forward. Some of the women in my local group had been attending for 5-10 years, which I thought was a little excessive for that level of grief, but everyone does grieve differently.
Milestones were hard for me with the 1st loss. I'd been pregnant for 9-10 weeks and had already calculated out when we would tell our parents, when I'd be 20 weeks for the big ultrasound, and my due date. After the loss, I still had those dates ingrained in my mind, and as they approached, I became particularly moody and depressed. I had to grieve again as I encountered each of those dates. It would have been nice to have had a friend remember/know about those dates and come with comforting words or just her presence during those times as well.
The due date was the most difficult date. I thought for sure we'd be pregnant again by that point, but when the due date came and went without another pregnancy, I was devastated. It was around that time that I finally decided I had to work more on my relationship with God. He apparently wasn't acting as I thought He would in my life, so it was time to reexamine my relationship and time spent with Him because I was sad to admit it, but I'd spent a lot of those 9 months being away from Him because I was so disappointed with the miscarriage. I picked up amazing book called, "When Love and Sorrow Embrace: The sufficiency of God's grace through the heartache of miscarriage." This book is what got me back on track with my relationship with God. It looks at numerous Biblical accounts of God working in the lives of others and draws similarities to His working in my life- even through miscarriage.
Another sidenote: I see the same author, Beth Forbus, has another book out: "Surviving Infertility..." It looks quite good and looks like it's a book, Bible study, and journal all in one. Definitely a plus for some personal reflection time.
The 2nd miscarriage- almost a year to the date of our 1st pregnancy- wasn't nearly as devastating as the 1st one. I'm not sure why that was. Perhaps because the 2nd miscarriage was much faster...we found out we were pregnant and a few days later it was over already. With the 1st miscarriage, we had weeks to dream and plan and enjoy the pregnancy together. We had our 1st OB appointment, our 1st ultrasound, and then complete devastation. And then we had 2 more weeks of waiting until my body let go of that tiny life, so I think the 1st was definitely more traumatic as well.
And then nearly one year after our 2nd pregnancy, we find out about our 3rd. And this is from a PCOS girl with very irregular cycles. I will never know why we had to experience such heartache as miscarriage. That's one of those things I would love to ask when I walk through the pearly gates, but I have a feeling at that point, it won't matter any more and I won't even think to ask! But I will say that going through that painful process has opened my heart so much more to the pains of others. I now understand the grief process more than before and am so much more compassionate towards others experiencing a loss, especially women going through miscarriage. Was that my lesson in all of this? That I'd be able to offer more comfort as a result of the comfort I received (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 for more on this idea)? I'm starting to think that may be the case because I've encountered numerous women in the past 2 years that are experiencing something similar. Miscarriage accounts for 20-25% of all pregnancies, and yet, it seems to be such an un-discussed topic. Or was my lesson a personal one to deepen my faith and reliance on Him? Or was it to show His power and His timing even if it's not the path or timing I would choose?
I don't know the definitive answer to these questions, and I probably never will. I can say I am a different person now as a result of those experiences. There's no going back to who I was prior to that 1st loss. Would I choose that pathway again for myself? No! Do I see how God's hand was in my life then even though He felt so far away? Yes! And maybe that is the take away lesson...God's continual presence in our life despite what our emotions may tell us.
For those that have never experienced a pregnancy loss, I pray you never have to. I hope that by my telling my perspective of my loss, you'll have a little more insight to the grieving process, and as a result, can better support your friends and family around you that may be experiencing the same thing. For those that have experienced a loss, my heart and prayers truly go out to you. Cling to your faith during those extremely dark times. It will get you through.