Physical Health Issues = Emotional Health Issues For Me

Well, dear internet friends, I have pictures uploaded and saved for posts on both knitting and New Orleans, and I just can't bring myself to type the stories that go with the pictures.  I think I'm in sort of a funk again, and I attribute it to my ongoing health issues.  I hate that I let health issues get in the way of my mental mood and well-being, and yet I find myself in this position all too frequently lately.  Perhaps it's hormone related, but I really don't know if that's the case for sure either.

I just get so tired of dealing with things that seem to be wrong in my body, and yet I still don't have definitive answers to everything that might be going on.  I fear that my entire life will involve health issues, and I'm just not sure I'm mentally strong enough to endure a lifetime of health problems.  And then I feel bad because my husband is such a strong, healthy person and he's stuck with me- "weaky wife" as I sometimes call myself.  I feel like he deserves better, even though he'll disagree with me when I share these things with him.

This latest funk started this weekend, but I think it stems from the health issues I had 2 1/2 weeks ago. I mentioned being sick in a previous post.  Here's a little more of what was going on.  It was my spring break and I was enjoying staying home, sleeping in, relaxing, and resting.  I was slowly working on getting things ready for my presentation, but most of all I was just enjoying not having a schedule to follow and then WHAM!  I came down with a fever out of the blue.  It's not often I have a fever, so I knew something was up.  My heartrate was also high- in the 100s. 

Sidenote- I was checking my heartrate four times a day because I started a T3 treatment to try and get my fatigue and coldness under control.  I was up to 15 mcg twice a day and had felt fabulous the 2 days prior to getting sick.  Once I got sick, I battled chills, no energy, and a high resting heartrate for two days before going to Urgent Care. 

Once there, they didn't mess around when I told them about my high heartrate.  I was top of the list to be called back, and when they checked my heartrate, it was 122 and the bells started going off in the room (because it was so high I'm assuming).  They immediately did an EKG (scary, huh?), which came back with a normal, but high heartrate.  The dr. was good about trying to rule out as many things as he could, but my symptoms were minimal.  He also did a chest x-ray just to rule out any serious problems with my lungs.  Sidenote- can't wait to see what kind of bill I'll get from that visit!

He found nothing and sent me home. How depressing.  It was 3 days before I was to leave for New Orleans, and I still was sick.  I begged and pleaded with God that night that He would heal me or at least give me a sign if I should cancel my trip.  My fever finally broke the next morning and slowly I started to get my energy back.  But with my energy also came gastointestinal issues.  My insides were not happy.  So while I had more energy to get things done, I was also running to the bathroom every 15 minutes.

I had two days to prepare sub plans, pack, and get my presentation ready.  By the grace of God, most things were accomplished in that short time.  Sidenote- I spent the next 3 days in New Orleans preparing for my presentation, but at least I felt well enough to do that.  I lost 5 pounds in that 6-day ordeal, and while I wanted to lose weight, that was not the method I would choose.

I came back from New Orleans and thought I was through with health issues, only to start bleeding mid-cycle.  Lovely.  At first I thought it could mean I was ovulating as it started on CD 13, but as today is the 4th day now of very light or light bleeding, I have a hard time believing it's from ovulation.  I think it means my hormones are out of whack, and perhaps it makes sense given everything I've been through the past 2 weeks.

I just wish my body would do what it was created to do- ovulate- and I wish my hormones would do what they were created to do- work in sync with ovulation.  I feel like my hormones are on a lifelong rebellion to not functioning together.  All I want to do is ovulate without Clomid.  I'm not even asking to be pregnant at the moment because I feel that once my body gets to a healthy, regular place, a pregnancy will come again.  Now I'm once again left wondering what else is going on.  I have a follow-up appointment with my Napro dr. next week to talk about my T3.  I guess I'll share my frustration with my body again- this will be the 3rd appointment in a row where I'll feel like I'm saying the same thing.

Now I just wrote a book about my health issues when I could have written about my trip, oh well. And yes I realize this may come across as complaining, and yes I realize I gave up complaining for Lent, and yes I know I'm doing a terrible job at it, but I just need to share my heart tonight in the hopes that sharing will put me in a better mental place for the rest of the week.  And I do know that God has the power to heal my body at any time.  I guess I still have a sliver of hope that that could occur.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Can anyone name that song?  I've got the tune in my head, but haven't a clue how many years ago that song came out- maybe 20 years ago?

Anyways, just a short post from me saying I am back home from New Orleans, and I am back to reality with work and cold temperatures.  I'll try to upload pictures soon and tell you all about NOLA.  I know you're all dying to hear my Brad Pitt story:-)

Presentation- Over!

Just another quick update from me.  I don't have a good internet connection at my hotel, so I have to sneak in periods during the conference.  My presentation was today and it went so well. Every single chair was full in our room and people were sitting on the floor and standing in the back.  Note- they did have us in a really small room, but we still had 50+ people, so that was exciting.  Thanks for your prayers!!

Now I've got a bit more time to enjoy New Orleans before I leave tomorrow.  Then it's time to catch up on so much.  I'll try to upload pictures, but I'm so glad the presentation is behind me.  I know I will sleep better tonight.  Still, I've had fun so far. St. Patrick's Day was insane here yesterday.  I saw Brad Pitt shooting a film near our hotel.  I've had Cafe Au Lait and Beignets, po boys, gumbo, seafood, and more. 

Sorry for the short updates, but I wanted to let you know how the presentation went.  Now I'm ready to get back to my regular routine at home!

On the Mend

I think I'm finally on the mend after an EKG, chest x-ray, and more.  I'll try and update that story when I get a chance, but wanted to let you know I'm up and walking around and headed out of town today for a conference in New Orleans.  I can't wait for some sunshine and warmth, but am so nervous because I'm giving a presentation and am so not prepared yet because I spent the last 4 1/2 days in bed.  And the perfectionist/Type A personality in me can't stand that I'm getting on a plane today without my slideshow complete.  Thankfully tomorrow is a free day that I was hoping to use for fun sightseeing around town, but it looks like some of the time I'll be practicing by myself in my room.  Fun, fun. 

Prayers Needed

Prayer Buddy,

I need you.  I've suddenly come down with a fever and chills tonight.  I'm supposed to be heading out of town for a conference in a few days and I have so much to do to get ready to be gone.  I don't have time to be sick, and yet, my body seems to be telling me otherwise.  Would you pray for a speedy recovery or clear signs if I need to visit a doctor (and then a clear diagnosis if that's the route)?

Thanks,
Sickly

Shrove Tuesday

I got my fill of pancakes and breakfast food tonight at the youth-sponsored pancake breakfast in honor of Shrove Tuesday (ie. Fat Tuesday) tonight.  I always forget where the word "shrove" comes from and what it means.  My husband tells me it's from the word "shriven" in the sense of one having been shriven of their sins (after confesion and forgiveness).  It's still not a word that I add to my everyday vocabulary.

Today I got a call saying I was accepted into the National Children's Study.  Have you heard about the study? It's a huge government supported study getting under way around the nation that will study the effects of the environment on children's health from before birth to age 21.  There are 105 locations around the US and they plan to enroll 100,000 kids in the study.  If there's a site in your area, you can find out if you are eligible as well.  The call told me that I was eligible and I consented to participate in the first phase of the study. One of the requirements for the second phase is to get pregnant, of course....ha, ha. If only it was that easy.  I think it's exciting to be a part of research (I'm also a study participant with my Napro doctor) and I'm all about helping others to find out more about health issues.   

On to Lent....for me participation in Lent is not a requirement, but something I voluntarily do to further enhance or develop my spiritual life. The 40 days  (not counting Sundays) from Ash Wednesday to Easter are a great time for me to meditate on the life of Jesus, reflect on my sin and shortcomings, and journey with Jesus to the cross and the tomb.

My prayer buddy must be working over time already because I have come up with my plan for Lent, and I'm so excited.  For me, I enjoy participating in Lent because it's a short amount of time and I do fairly well being focused for a short time.

I found a Lent devotional online (for free!) that looks at the whole Gospel of John through the season and talks about light shining in darkness. I have a lot of darkness in my life, so the light of Jesus shining through is much needed, and it's a great visual for me to think about.

I also decided I'm going to give up something and add something. I decided to "add" reading a book that I've started several times.  The book is "A Graceful Waiting" and talks about the "gifts" waiting brings- from wondering to wallowing to wrestling to widsom to worship (there are 11 w's- 1 for each chapter). Waiting and patience are not things I'm very good at and reading through the book will help me to reflect on how I've dealt with waiting (not very well) and the attitude I've had towards God as a result (not a very good one).

What I wanted to give up was a little harder to come up with. I thought about giving up caffeine (no, I might need to be extra alert for my job), facebook or the internet (no way, couldn't do that), sugar (too hard to eliminate), and dessert (nope, I'm heading to New Orleans next week and I want beignets).  But then I started thinking....I don't have to give up something food related.  How about giving up complaining and grumbling. And it was as if a lightbulb went off...ding, ding, ding.  That's it! I'm such a pessimistic person, while my husband is the eternal optimist, it will do me some good to give up complaining (and it'll also be a challenge).  So that's what I'm giving up.  No more complaining or grumbling about work, people, etc.  In fact, Psalm 118:24 is the positive take on what I'm giving up- "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Hopefuly by giving up complaining I'll be more full of joy (Easter joy, perhaps) at the end of this Lenten season.

Prayer Buddies

Woo hoo! I'm so excited.  I just checked my email and had my prayer buddy assignment in there.  I am so excited to focus on someone else and pray for them these next 6 1/2 weeks.  And this is my first participation in prayer buddies, so perhaps that's why I'm extra excited.  I think it's amazing 83 women are participating this season.  I can't wait to see what God does through our prayers for one another.  Thanks, JBTC and TCIE, for coordinating this!

Now I just need to figure out what I'm doing for Lent besides praying for my buddy.  I can't find my Lent devotional books, so I'm in a little bit of a quandry.  I've always had some sort of Lent specific devotional to guide my individual prayer and meditation time each day.  I think I'm going to see if I can find something online.  I also need to quickly decide if I'm going to give up something for Lent and/or add something spiritual.  I've done both in years past, but am not feeling particularly full of direction (yet).  I'll let you know where God leads me.

Compassion International

Recently the hubs and I decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International.  Compassion is a Christian organization dedicated to providing the basic physical and emotional needs to children in impoverished countries.  The idea is that through the Compassion program the children would be released from their lifestyles of poverty.  Since it's a Christian organization, Compassion works through the local churches to bring hope.  They have a presence in 26 countries- from Central and South America to Asia and Africa.

Ever since I was in college I've wanted to sponsor a child through Compassion but never did.  Perhaps it was the monthly financial commitment that scared me off or the long-term commitment (through the child's age of 18-22).  Each child in the program is matched with one sponsor and I didn't want to back out once I started a sponsorship, so I never started.....until recently. 

In January, we sat down and updated our monthly budget for 2011.  Once we were done updating our projected income and expenses, we found we had a small amount left over each month, so we decided to try out a sponsorship on an older child, which would mean a commitment for just a few years instead of his/her whole childhood. 

There are numerous children waiting for sponsors, so how could we decide on just one?  I have a passion for Asia and Central and South America since I've traveled and/or lived in those places and seen how God is working there.  Africa, on the other hand, has not sparked my interest as much, and I have to admit, I don't feel as called to pray for Africa as I do other places, so that's what we went with- an older child from Africa.  We narrowed it down even further by choosing a child according to birth date, and we selected the due date of our first baby that I miscarried.  I had always thought it was a girl, and there was just one girl with that same birth date, so we selected her.

After we made the decision and paid our first month of sponsorship, I was so excited.  I really didn't think about it much at the time we were deciding, but later I thought about how cool it was that God was bringing good from our bad situation of the first miscarriage.  Without that miscarriage, we would not have been led to sponsor this child, and I have such a strong feeling that our prayers and sponsorship are really going to make a big difference in her life.

We received pictures of our sponsor child- a girl from Ethiopia- and just sent off our first letter.  We'll correspond back and forth a few times a year and provide monthly financial support in the hopes that we do make a difference in her life and ultimately, that she comes to know how much Jesus loves her and cares for her.

We are both excited to learn more about her and see how God works through us to touch her life.  Hopefully she'll gain confidence corresponding with us and learn life skills necessary to be successful when she graduates from the Compassion program.  What a cool thing it is to be able to make a difference in the life of one child.  We've added her to our list of nightly prayers- along with our Godson and Goddaughter- and look forward to seeing her end the cycle of poverty.

Time For Another Verse

I can't believe it's March 1st already.  Time is flying this term as we're already at the midway point.  Since it's the first of the month, it also means I had to pick another Bible verse to meditate on for the coming two weeks.  I really am loving this Bible challange because it forces me to think on things from God, and not my own troubles, worries, rants, judgements, etc.  I'm not saying I've perfected my thoughts so that they are always godly, but I am noticing a much improved change so far. 

I picked this great gem from Ephesians 3:20-21: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."   NIV

I love the beginning of these verses.  It's such a great reminder to me that God can do immeasurably more than I can even ask Him for or imagine from Him.  Immeasurably more.  So much more that I can't even measure it. That is the kind of God I want to believe in and follow.  And then I love the reminder about His power that is at work within me- through the Holy Spirit I presume.  And then the end gives me a reminder of my purpose- for God's glory over all time on the earth.

What hope that gives me.  I want God to do immeasurably more in my life.  And while I may not be able to clearly see that right now in the midst of my health problems, miscarriages, and infertility, I still believe that He can and will do so much more than I can even ask or think about.  And boy am I looking forward to the time in my life when all of this will be in the past and I'll be able to look back on this time period and see how God worked in his immeasurably more way!