Physical Health Issues = Emotional Health Issues For Me

Well, dear internet friends, I have pictures uploaded and saved for posts on both knitting and New Orleans, and I just can't bring myself to type the stories that go with the pictures.  I think I'm in sort of a funk again, and I attribute it to my ongoing health issues.  I hate that I let health issues get in the way of my mental mood and well-being, and yet I find myself in this position all too frequently lately.  Perhaps it's hormone related, but I really don't know if that's the case for sure either.

I just get so tired of dealing with things that seem to be wrong in my body, and yet I still don't have definitive answers to everything that might be going on.  I fear that my entire life will involve health issues, and I'm just not sure I'm mentally strong enough to endure a lifetime of health problems.  And then I feel bad because my husband is such a strong, healthy person and he's stuck with me- "weaky wife" as I sometimes call myself.  I feel like he deserves better, even though he'll disagree with me when I share these things with him.

This latest funk started this weekend, but I think it stems from the health issues I had 2 1/2 weeks ago. I mentioned being sick in a previous post.  Here's a little more of what was going on.  It was my spring break and I was enjoying staying home, sleeping in, relaxing, and resting.  I was slowly working on getting things ready for my presentation, but most of all I was just enjoying not having a schedule to follow and then WHAM!  I came down with a fever out of the blue.  It's not often I have a fever, so I knew something was up.  My heartrate was also high- in the 100s. 

Sidenote- I was checking my heartrate four times a day because I started a T3 treatment to try and get my fatigue and coldness under control.  I was up to 15 mcg twice a day and had felt fabulous the 2 days prior to getting sick.  Once I got sick, I battled chills, no energy, and a high resting heartrate for two days before going to Urgent Care. 

Once there, they didn't mess around when I told them about my high heartrate.  I was top of the list to be called back, and when they checked my heartrate, it was 122 and the bells started going off in the room (because it was so high I'm assuming).  They immediately did an EKG (scary, huh?), which came back with a normal, but high heartrate.  The dr. was good about trying to rule out as many things as he could, but my symptoms were minimal.  He also did a chest x-ray just to rule out any serious problems with my lungs.  Sidenote- can't wait to see what kind of bill I'll get from that visit!

He found nothing and sent me home. How depressing.  It was 3 days before I was to leave for New Orleans, and I still was sick.  I begged and pleaded with God that night that He would heal me or at least give me a sign if I should cancel my trip.  My fever finally broke the next morning and slowly I started to get my energy back.  But with my energy also came gastointestinal issues.  My insides were not happy.  So while I had more energy to get things done, I was also running to the bathroom every 15 minutes.

I had two days to prepare sub plans, pack, and get my presentation ready.  By the grace of God, most things were accomplished in that short time.  Sidenote- I spent the next 3 days in New Orleans preparing for my presentation, but at least I felt well enough to do that.  I lost 5 pounds in that 6-day ordeal, and while I wanted to lose weight, that was not the method I would choose.

I came back from New Orleans and thought I was through with health issues, only to start bleeding mid-cycle.  Lovely.  At first I thought it could mean I was ovulating as it started on CD 13, but as today is the 4th day now of very light or light bleeding, I have a hard time believing it's from ovulation.  I think it means my hormones are out of whack, and perhaps it makes sense given everything I've been through the past 2 weeks.

I just wish my body would do what it was created to do- ovulate- and I wish my hormones would do what they were created to do- work in sync with ovulation.  I feel like my hormones are on a lifelong rebellion to not functioning together.  All I want to do is ovulate without Clomid.  I'm not even asking to be pregnant at the moment because I feel that once my body gets to a healthy, regular place, a pregnancy will come again.  Now I'm once again left wondering what else is going on.  I have a follow-up appointment with my Napro dr. next week to talk about my T3.  I guess I'll share my frustration with my body again- this will be the 3rd appointment in a row where I'll feel like I'm saying the same thing.

Now I just wrote a book about my health issues when I could have written about my trip, oh well. And yes I realize this may come across as complaining, and yes I realize I gave up complaining for Lent, and yes I know I'm doing a terrible job at it, but I just need to share my heart tonight in the hopes that sharing will put me in a better mental place for the rest of the week.  And I do know that God has the power to heal my body at any time.  I guess I still have a sliver of hope that that could occur.