Dear sweet, first child of mine,
It's so hard to believe you would have been turning 5 this year! 5! I could have had a 5 year old. It's hard for me to believe, and yet, a 5 year old would fit so perfectly in our family with a 3 year old and a 5 month old. And then that gets me thinking about your sibling that we never got to meet either and how we could have been a family of 5, 4, 3, and 5 months. Wow. It's still hard for me to believe I'm a mother of 4. 4 precious lives begun in my IF, broken womb. I wish I could hug you and squeeze you today and wish you happy birthday. How fun it would be to think about and plan for you to begin Kindergarten this year. I often wonder if I will recognize you in heaven, sweet child. Will I know you are mine? If so, how will I know?
So many unknowns and yet, I'm not a mother of 4 to those peering in on my life from the outside. For when others look at me, they only see 2. Yes, 2 precious, amazing, blessings, but they are #3 and #4 in the conception order. I still haven't figured out how to answer the questions when people ask, "Are these your only kids?" "Is she your first?" I want to say, "No, I have 2 other babies in heaven that I'm waiting to meet." or "No, she's actually my 3rd as I lost 2 before her to miscarriage." But then I don't want to sound morbid or make the person asking the question feel bad. So sometimes I just say, "yes" to the questions. But then I feel all guilty inside for not acknowledging the other two children whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks. So sometimes I do tell the whole story depending on how well I know the person. And I share it because it is a part of our story....my story that God has written and continues to write.
I feel like there are just some things you always remember, and for me, that was my very first due date of a baby I never got to hold in my arms- June 2nd. That due date marked so much hope after years of misdiagnoses, then diagnoses (PCOS, low progesterone), and IF. Hope and memories that I still recall if I think back to that time over 5 years ago. That first ever BFP. Those first progesterone draws and progesterone injections. Those first dreams and hopes as a family of three. Those plans of how to tell our families. And so on. I don't think I can ever forgot those moments, and I don't think I'm suppose to. Memories etched in my mind. Memories and experiences that help me be a more compassionate person to others going through loss and IF. Compassion that would not exist had I not known what it was like.
It's still so hard for me to fathom that she/he would have been turning 5 today. And while I don't understand all the whys and pains of living in our fallen world, I do know that losing 2 babies in the womb makes me hug my 2 kiddos extra tight every day and appreciate each day I have with them this side of heaven. I am a different (better, more patient, appreciative) parent because of my first 2 children conceived, and for that I am so grateful.
It's so hard to believe you would have been turning 5 this year! 5! I could have had a 5 year old. It's hard for me to believe, and yet, a 5 year old would fit so perfectly in our family with a 3 year old and a 5 month old. And then that gets me thinking about your sibling that we never got to meet either and how we could have been a family of 5, 4, 3, and 5 months. Wow. It's still hard for me to believe I'm a mother of 4. 4 precious lives begun in my IF, broken womb. I wish I could hug you and squeeze you today and wish you happy birthday. How fun it would be to think about and plan for you to begin Kindergarten this year. I often wonder if I will recognize you in heaven, sweet child. Will I know you are mine? If so, how will I know?
So many unknowns and yet, I'm not a mother of 4 to those peering in on my life from the outside. For when others look at me, they only see 2. Yes, 2 precious, amazing, blessings, but they are #3 and #4 in the conception order. I still haven't figured out how to answer the questions when people ask, "Are these your only kids?" "Is she your first?" I want to say, "No, I have 2 other babies in heaven that I'm waiting to meet." or "No, she's actually my 3rd as I lost 2 before her to miscarriage." But then I don't want to sound morbid or make the person asking the question feel bad. So sometimes I just say, "yes" to the questions. But then I feel all guilty inside for not acknowledging the other two children whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks. So sometimes I do tell the whole story depending on how well I know the person. And I share it because it is a part of our story....my story that God has written and continues to write.
I feel like there are just some things you always remember, and for me, that was my very first due date of a baby I never got to hold in my arms- June 2nd. That due date marked so much hope after years of misdiagnoses, then diagnoses (PCOS, low progesterone), and IF. Hope and memories that I still recall if I think back to that time over 5 years ago. That first ever BFP. Those first progesterone draws and progesterone injections. Those first dreams and hopes as a family of three. Those plans of how to tell our families. And so on. I don't think I can ever forgot those moments, and I don't think I'm suppose to. Memories etched in my mind. Memories and experiences that help me be a more compassionate person to others going through loss and IF. Compassion that would not exist had I not known what it was like.
It's still so hard for me to fathom that she/he would have been turning 5 today. And while I don't understand all the whys and pains of living in our fallen world, I do know that losing 2 babies in the womb makes me hug my 2 kiddos extra tight every day and appreciate each day I have with them this side of heaven. I am a different (better, more patient, appreciative) parent because of my first 2 children conceived, and for that I am so grateful.