When God says, "Move!"

I don't know about you, but I like to be comfortable.  I like my routine.  I like familiar places.  I feel like lately we have just gotten into a routine with R, and I like how comfortable that is.  Less than 2 weeks of teaching left, and then I was planning on taking some time off from working because it's been too hard for me to juggle work and being a mom, and I've felt guilty about DH rearranging his work schedule to watch her.

I was looking forward to time off, to getting ready for the Advent season, and to celebrating our 1st Christmas as a family of three.  All of those things will still take place, but they will not be as I envisioned them to be.  You see, God is calling us to leave our comfort zones and head to the unknown.  Both DH and I felt God clearly showed us it was time for us to leave our home of 9+ years and have him accept the job offer to the Southeast.  As much as we both tried to run away from the job, God continued to place it before us and take away all the obstacles I was feeling ("But I can't move," God.  "I don't have time to pack up a whole house."  Guess what what clearly written in the job offer?...they will hire a moving company to come and pack up our house for us.  It's as if God was saying, "Trust me, PPIW, I know your fears and worries and I have them covered.")

I'm thankful that it was clear to both of us and that we were on the same page, but I'm not exactly sure why there and why now.  I'm trying to trust Him with it all, but we all know I'm not the best in the trust department.  Just look back on some of my posts during IF and then pregnancy.  I had a hard time fully trusting God.  I know He will orchestrate all of the details regarding selling our house here, providing a new place for us to live there (probably renting first, then buying a home after this one sells), getting all of our things moved cross country, etc. 

But just because I know that in my head doesn't make it easy to deal with in my heart.  Some days I do better than others, and overall, I was doing really good trusting until Monday.  We met with a realtor to talk about putting our house on the market, and that's when I think the move really hit me.  Sure there were tears when DH made the announcement we were moving and when I notified my department at work.  Yes, there have been tears driving around town when I realize we'll be leaving the mountains and scenery that we love.  There are tears when I look around R's room and remember all the work and love put into preparing it for her arrival.

I'm such a sentimental person, it's hard to think about leaving our first home- the place that holds so many memories, and yet, I know it's only a home filled with material possessions.  We get to take the memories (and photos of them) with us.  I know we will probably come back and visit this town again some time in the future to show R where she was born, but coming back, everyone and everything (including us) will be different.  Life as we know it...comfortable, content, happy life here in this town will not exist again.  Yes, we will become comfortable in the new place.  I'm sure of it, but right now, it's just that...a new, unknown, unfamiliar place.  And that's the scary part to me and the part that's shaking my trust.  I have to keep reminding myself that the way was made clear to us.  We're not doubting the decision made; I'm just dealing with the reality of transition.

It wasn't until we talked about everything we need to do to get our house ready to put on the market, and then started doing it, that the tears came in full force.  Taking down all of our photos, our wall hangings, our crosses (because crosses, wine, and coffee pots could be a turn off to a potential Mormon buyer, according to our realtor), etc. takes our personal connection out of the house.  I've cried for 3 days in a row as I look around at the bare walls; it just looks so lifeless.  And I guess that's sort of how I feel a little bit- like some of my joy has been sucked out, and I'm trying to turn my emotions off so I don't have to feel sad any more.  Did I mention Advent is my favorite season and I'm not even sure we'll be able to set up our tree or nativity sets?  How I was looking forward to R's 1st Christmas pictures by our tree.

If I stop to think about all that needs to be done (get our house ready to go on the market, sell our house, look for a new place to live, celebrate Advent and Christmas some how, finish my job, say our goodbyes, etc.) it is extremely overwhelming- especially considering we only have 4-5 weeks left here!  Talk about insane, huh?  If you want a sure fire way to induce stress, just decide to move and then have to do it in a total of 6-7 weeks with an almost 7 month old who seems to be constantly teething (ie. extra clingy and needy).  No wonder why my milk supply seems to be inadequate for R and she has been extra fussy because of my stress.  Still, I don't know how to be relaxed about it all.

Things will be so different; I know the adjustment will take time and the next several months will be hard.  I'm giving myself 6-12 months before I expect to feel settled in a new place.  If it happens before that time- fantastic.  I'll gladly take it.  But just the logistics of having to rent an apartment for awhile and then look for a home to buy will take time.  Oh, and Lent starts extra early this year (mid-February), which means DH will be busy through the end of March when Easter is.

I heard this song on the radio last week, and two lines just keep running through my head: I wish I knew how all my fears and all my questions are gonna play out in a world I can't control and To you my future is a memory cause you're already there.

Things are SO out of my control right now; I think that's one of the reasons for my major angst.  I don't like being pushed so far out of my comfort zone, but I do know my faith will only be made stronger because of this.  I cannot rely on my own wisdom or strength; truly it is God who will bring this all together.

And then the 2nd line- the idea of my future being God's memory is really cool.  He already knows where we will live, how we will get settled, etc.  Now I just need to trust Him, wait, and be patient for it to all play out.  Easier said then done, right?  Trust.  Wait.  Patience.

"Already There" by Casting Crowns.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from my little turkey to you!

Lots to be thankful for this year, but I still can't help thinking back to those Thanksgivings that were hard...the one soon after our 1st miscarriage, the one at the beginning of our IF journey, the one before my PCOS diagnosis, etc.  For those of you that find it hard to be thankful this year, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he IS good; his love endures forever."  Psalm 107:1 (emphasis mine)

Quick Takes (31)

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Dh and I went to Starbucks today for our buy one get one free holiday latte.  I had a gingerbread latte.  Yummy.  I don't have coffee much (maybe once or twice a month) because R doesn't need any more energy (ie. wildness) added to her already active state.  It was a fun treat though.  You can still go and get yours tomorrow or Sunday from 2-5pm.  Dh says he wants to go back and try another one.  We shall see.  The best part?  Starbucks put $5 on my Starbucks card for free because it had been so long since I used my card.  Basically, both of our drinks were free!  I like free.

--- 2 ---

Dh and I have finally come to a decision about the move.  I can't say what that decision is yet because people here and there still need to be notified, but I will have a post all about it soon.  Lots of thoughts are swirling around in my head and I really should process them on "paper" so to speak.  God confirmed His direction to both Dh and I on the same day.  Our prayer all along has been that God would make the way clear to both of us, and He did that.

--- 3 ---

It's hard to believe half of November has already passed.  I can't believe Thanksgiving is less than a week away.  As we've done for several years in a row, we're inviting some of my international students over to experience their 1st Thanksgiving along with some of the college students from church that can't travel home.  Thanksgiving for us is usually spent in town and our families don't often travel to be with us, so  we appreciate the opportunity to share the holiday with others who can't be with their families.  We usually prepare all the food, but since we've been doing it for so many years, Dh and I have our routine down.

--- 4 ---

This year we're doing something new for Thanksgiving.  I ordered a smoked turkey from the meat lab on campus, so it's already cooked!  All we have to do is warm it.  I can't wait to taste the smoked meat...yummy!  Dh usually does a brine the night before and then we cook it in an oven bag the next year.  It works pretty slick and tastes yummy, but this will be a new treat.

--- 5 ---

I'm addicted to a local classifieds page on Facebook.  People can post pictures and buy and sell things from our community.  My intent was to join the group to sell things we aren't using, but so far I've actually purchased more than I've sold.  I just can't turn down a good deal: a wire cookbook holder for $5, free boxes of baby oatmeal cereal, the 3 Matrix DVDs for Dh for $6 total, cute handmade Christmas decor, etc.  It's how I'm doing my Christmas shopping for Dh and R.  Ha, ha.  (I'm only half serious.)  I was able to sell our old land line phone for $15 and a converter box for $10.  Who knew people still wanted to buy those things!  And to think, I was just going to bag it up and take it to our local thrift store.  Now I have a list of new and used things that I think I can sell on the sight along with a bag of things that I plan to donate. 

--- 6 ---

My colleague is nearing the end of his life.  I can't stop thinking about him.  He's the one who was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer the end of June.  He's also the one whose class I am teaching this semester.  Nearly every day that I go to teach, I think about him.  I think about how he should be the one teaching the class and how I should be home with R.  He was the one schedule to teach the course.  He was the one who always taught this course.  And now I don't think he'll even make it to Thanksgiving.  It's so sad.  I think about him, his wife, and kids, and pray for them to have peace.  I don't know exactly what his thoughts are on death and the afterlife, but I do know that he's a Quaker.  I imagine I'll be going to his funeral before the term is over.  How sad.  I'm just reminded of how quickly life can change, and it makes me give a few more hugs to those I love around me.

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 On that heavy note, phew...I don't know what else to say.  Enjoy the weekend and tell those around you that you love them!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Quick Takes (30)

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In a rut: Wow.  It's been awhile since I've done Quick Takes.  It's been awhile since I've done much blogging too.  I am just sort of in a funk.  I don't know what's wrong.  My motivation is lacking and I'm just tired.  It could be winter coming- seasonal depression?  It could be hormones, adrenals, or thyroid.  I don't know, but I'm ready to have some energy back. Blech.  I laid down for a bit this afternoon and ended up sleeping 2 hours until my DH came in and woke me because R needed to be fed.  I did not think I was that tired.

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Work: I'm at the point in the semester when I'm ready for it to be over.  Students are too, I think.  Four more weeks to go, and with Thanksgiving in there, it'll surely fly by.  I just counted- 10 days left of teaching.  I love my job, I really do, and have been so thankful to do something that I love for so many years.  I've had great students this semester and the new course has been fun to teach, but my heart is really no longer in teaching.  When I'm in class with the students, it's fine, but it's all of the other time that it doesn't feel fine.  It's so hard to find time and motivation to work on my lesson plans and correct papers while at home.  DH has been super about watching R three mornings a week, but he really needs to be at work himself.  Regardless of where we are living next year, I really feel like it's time to tie up my teaching shoes for awhile.  Maybe it would be different if R was a little older or we had family in the area, but it just seems like she needs her Mama and I feel like it's my job, responsibility, and privilege to be her Mama at home with her most of the time.

--- 3 ---

Politics: I am so glad the election is over.  I really can't stand politics or politicians.  In fact, I knew I would not be happy with either outcome of the election because I can't stand either candidate- both are so shady and sly and things got so ugly with each of them and the things they were saying towards the end.  Neither was telling 100% truth, and the thought of having to spend four years seeing and listening to either Obama or Romney was almost enough to make me not want to vote for either one.  I did go and vote, but...ugh! Ryan was the only one out of the Pres/VPs that I liked.

--- 4 ---

Sleep regression and/or teething?: It seems like we are entering a new phase of sleeping with R.  During the day time, she no longer goes down in her crib easily.  She will fuss the minute we put her down and continue to get worked up.  Some fussing is normal at times for her if she is tired but wants to continue playing, for example.  But this screaming business is too much.  She's not hungry and her diaper is dry- always check those 2 things first.  I'm thinking either her ear is still bugging her (tomorrow is the last day of antibiotics...yippee.  I'm anxious for her diaper output to return to normal), she needs us to do sleep training to have a more consistent napping schedule, she is still teething, or she just feels off because of solids she is now eating.  I don't know, but it about drove DH crazy this morning when he was home alone with her.

--- 5 ---

Amber necklace: I do think the amber teething necklace is helping with R's irritability during the day time.  She might wake up from a nap extremely cranky, and we'll put the necklace on her and she seems to calm down before too long.  I don't think it's the placebo effect, but I'm still doing my research.  The only problem is I wish we could leave it on her during nap time to see if that helps with #4, but I think it's probably a strangulation hazard.  What do the other mamas do that have their little ones wear a necklace??

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In awe: I am continually amazed at the power of God in creating life as I watch my little one grow and develop.  It is so amazing to me how God has made each one of us.  The things that she just knows how to do instinctively are so cool.  For example, a few weeks ago she started practice chewing with her mouth.  We hadn't started solids yet, but her little body just knew it was time to start practicing that in preparation for solids.  Another example, she still can't quite sit up on her own, but if you hold her in your lap, she does this little bopping back and forth into your chest, almost like baby sit-ups.  I think it's her strengthening her core, so she can sit up by herself.  It is so fun to watch her grow.  And as I do, I continue to think about and pray for those still battling IF.  Really, not a day goes by that I don't think about some aspect of IF and those of you still in the trenches.

--- 7 ---

6 months: It's hard to believe 1/2 a year has already passed that we've had a baby in the house.  In some ways, it feels like she's been a part of our family for much longer.  And in other ways, it still amazes me each day that I have a baby in the house.  Am I ever going to wake up and have all this be over?  We had some pictures taken last week to celebrate her 1/2 birthday, and while she wasn't feeling the best because of her ear infection, I think our photographer managed to catch a few cute ones.  We were going for a fallish theme since it was early November.  Enjoy!

I bought this adorable hat from our farmer's market this summer.  The seller does such a great job crocheting adorable designs.  I'm pretty sure she sells them online as well.

She loved the bucket.  It was perfect size for her to sit in.

Yep, we carved a pumpkin and put her in it since this was right after Halloween.  She wasn't crazy about it, but I think that's because the inside of the pumpkin felt cold.  We did let her keep some clothes on instead of going for the naked shot like I had originally thought about.

This is how she self-soothes: 2 fingers in the mouth.  Most of the time she does it when she's going to sleep or getting tired.  This was the end of the photo shoot- she was telling us she was done.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

All Over the Place

That's where this blog post is going to be...all over the place, and that's sort of where I feel these days...all over the place.  I have been hoping to post for days, but just haven't had the motivation to upload pictures and such.  So instead of a few smaller posts, you get them all combined into one.

Colds and ear infections:  After our trip to MN a few weeks ago, R returned with a cold.  No big deal, that happened after the trip to GA.  Nose Frida became our BFF, even though it's probably the grossest thing ever (you suck snot out of your infant's nose through a long tube).  We were constantly sucking out all her congestion, and then her cold seemed to be going away and she was getting better.  Until one morning (the day after Halloween, to be exact), she woke up screaming.  I could just tell she was in pain and nothing would calm her down.  Plus, she would hardly open her eyes, which was scary.  Off to the doctor's office we went, to learn she had an ear infection, possibly some sort of eye infection going on (as a result of the ear infection?), and maybe even a sinus infection too!  No wonder she was in pain.  Poor, girl.  She had been pulling on her ear some this week, but we chalked it up to teething since she had all the other signs of teething.  A few doses of eye drops and an antibiotic later, our energetic little girl is on the mend (except we're already ready to be off the antibiotic as it's messy with her tummy).  Talk about major mommy guilt though that I didn't realize something was wrong sooner.

Fermentation: Have any of you done much with ferments? I went to a free class recently that was put on by my crunchy mama local group (that's essentially the name they call themselves).  It was so interesting to learn about the various ferments you can do, the benefits they provide to your body, and how your gut health may have an effect on your overall health.  There was lots of taste testing going on.  Here's one of my faves.  The one we tried also had fresh garlic and ginger added to the basic recipe.  Use whole carrots and peel them yourself (not baby carrots that have been preserved in choline).

Baltic Amber: I've been researching amber teething necklaces for the little person in our house.  She seems to be getting more irritable these days along with pulling on her ears and cheeks, still drooling like crazy, chewing on everything, and now sucking in her bottom lip over her gums all the time.  I think teething has begun.  I've heard about amber teething necklaces, but there were so many options.  I finally just ordered one from Inspired By Finn.  They also have a Facebook page where they give out discount codes.  Of course, I ordered one evening and the next morning there was a discount code.  Go figure.

Anyway, from what I've read, the amber that has the highest level of succinic acid in it (and thus more of the healing/anti-inflammatory properties) is the raw, light-colored, opaque amber.  Who knew, right?  The polished or semi-polished, dark-colored, clear amber has less succinic acid.  These necklaces aren't just for babies; they have adult ones as well.  I'll let you know how R's necklace works out; I may be buying one for myself- who knows!

Snow: We woke up one morning last week to a surprise snow fall!  I couldn't believe it.  I had been up at midnight with R, and it was only raining at that point.  I was up again at 5:30 and the rain had turned to snow.  We all went back to sleep, and when R woke again, we did what all normal parents do...dressed her in her snowsuit and went outside for photos!  We were still in our pjs.  We think R liked her 1st snowfall.

I will admit that it did look pretty on the trees looking out our backyard.

And the view down our street towards the mountains was spectacular.

There is just something magical about the 1st snowfall.  But still...winter is not at the top of my favorites list for seasons.  Maybe GA doesn't look so bad after all.

Leaves: I've been trying to take fun fall pictures of R this week, but she's so uninterested in the leaves or any fun "playing in the leaves" pictures I've tried to do.  We take her outside and she goes into this trance like state...just staring up at the sky.  

Well, that's about all for now.  I have more random updates, but I think I'll post this one and go to bed.  Who knows what will happen tonight with the time change and a little one!