I don't know about you, but I like to be comfortable. I like my routine. I like familiar places. I feel like lately we have just gotten into a routine with R, and I like how comfortable that is. Less than 2 weeks of teaching left, and then I was planning on taking some time off from working because it's been too hard for me to juggle work and being a mom, and I've felt guilty about DH rearranging his work schedule to watch her.
I was looking forward to time off, to getting ready for the Advent season, and to celebrating our 1st Christmas as a family of three. All of those things will still take place, but they will not be as I envisioned them to be. You see, God is calling us to leave our comfort zones and head to the unknown. Both DH and I felt God clearly showed us it was time for us to leave our home of 9+ years and have him accept the job offer to the Southeast. As much as we both tried to run away from the job, God continued to place it before us and take away all the obstacles I was feeling ("But I can't move," God. "I don't have time to pack up a whole house." Guess what what clearly written in the job offer?...they will hire a moving company to come and pack up our house for us. It's as if God was saying, "Trust me, PPIW, I know your fears and worries and I have them covered.")
I'm thankful that it was clear to both of us and that we were on the same page, but I'm not exactly sure why there and why now. I'm trying to trust Him with it all, but we all know I'm not the best in the trust department. Just look back on some of my posts during IF and then pregnancy. I had a hard time fully trusting God. I know He will orchestrate all of the details regarding selling our house here, providing a new place for us to live there (probably renting first, then buying a home after this one sells), getting all of our things moved cross country, etc.
But just because I know that in my head doesn't make it easy to deal with in my heart. Some days I do better than others, and overall, I was doing really good trusting until Monday. We met with a realtor to talk about putting our house on the market, and that's when I think the move really hit me. Sure there were tears when DH made the announcement we were moving and when I notified my department at work. Yes, there have been tears driving around town when I realize we'll be leaving the mountains and scenery that we love. There are tears when I look around R's room and remember all the work and love put into preparing it for her arrival.
I'm such a sentimental person, it's hard to think about leaving our first home- the place that holds so many memories, and yet, I know it's only a home filled with material possessions. We get to take the memories (and photos of them) with us. I know we will probably come back and visit this town again some time in the future to show R where she was born, but coming back, everyone and everything (including us) will be different. Life as we know it...comfortable, content, happy life here in this town will not exist again. Yes, we will become comfortable in the new place. I'm sure of it, but right now, it's just that...a new, unknown, unfamiliar place. And that's the scary part to me and the part that's shaking my trust. I have to keep reminding myself that the way was made clear to us. We're not doubting the decision made; I'm just dealing with the reality of transition.
It wasn't until we talked about everything we need to do to get our house ready to put on the market, and then started doing it, that the tears came in full force. Taking down all of our photos, our wall hangings, our crosses (because crosses, wine, and coffee pots could be a turn off to a potential Mormon buyer, according to our realtor), etc. takes our personal connection out of the house. I've cried for 3 days in a row as I look around at the bare walls; it just looks so lifeless. And I guess that's sort of how I feel a little bit- like some of my joy has been sucked out, and I'm trying to turn my emotions off so I don't have to feel sad any more. Did I mention Advent is my favorite season and I'm not even sure we'll be able to set up our tree or nativity sets? How I was looking forward to R's 1st Christmas pictures by our tree.
If I stop to think about all that needs to be done (get our house ready to go on the market, sell our house, look for a new place to live, celebrate Advent and Christmas some how, finish my job, say our goodbyes, etc.) it is extremely overwhelming- especially considering we only have 4-5 weeks left here! Talk about insane, huh? If you want a sure fire way to induce stress, just decide to move and then have to do it in a total of 6-7 weeks with an almost 7 month old who seems to be constantly teething (ie. extra clingy and needy). No wonder why my milk supply seems to be inadequate for R and she has been extra fussy because of my stress. Still, I don't know how to be relaxed about it all.
Things will be so different; I know the adjustment will take time and the next several months will be hard. I'm giving myself 6-12 months before I expect to feel settled in a new place. If it happens before that time- fantastic. I'll gladly take it. But just the logistics of having to rent an apartment for awhile and then look for a home to buy will take time. Oh, and Lent starts extra early this year (mid-February), which means DH will be busy through the end of March when Easter is.
I heard this song on the radio last week, and two lines just keep running through my head: I wish I knew how all my fears and all my questions are gonna play out in a world I can't control and To you my future is a memory cause you're already there.
Things are SO out of my control right now; I think that's one of the reasons for my major angst. I don't like being pushed so far out of my comfort zone, but I do know my faith will only be made stronger because of this. I cannot rely on my own wisdom or strength; truly it is God who will bring this all together.
And then the 2nd line- the idea of my future being God's memory is really cool. He already knows where we will live, how we will get settled, etc. Now I just need to trust Him, wait, and be patient for it to all play out. Easier said then done, right? Trust. Wait. Patience.
"Already There" by Casting Crowns.
I was looking forward to time off, to getting ready for the Advent season, and to celebrating our 1st Christmas as a family of three. All of those things will still take place, but they will not be as I envisioned them to be. You see, God is calling us to leave our comfort zones and head to the unknown. Both DH and I felt God clearly showed us it was time for us to leave our home of 9+ years and have him accept the job offer to the Southeast. As much as we both tried to run away from the job, God continued to place it before us and take away all the obstacles I was feeling ("But I can't move," God. "I don't have time to pack up a whole house." Guess what what clearly written in the job offer?...they will hire a moving company to come and pack up our house for us. It's as if God was saying, "Trust me, PPIW, I know your fears and worries and I have them covered.")
I'm thankful that it was clear to both of us and that we were on the same page, but I'm not exactly sure why there and why now. I'm trying to trust Him with it all, but we all know I'm not the best in the trust department. Just look back on some of my posts during IF and then pregnancy. I had a hard time fully trusting God. I know He will orchestrate all of the details regarding selling our house here, providing a new place for us to live there (probably renting first, then buying a home after this one sells), getting all of our things moved cross country, etc.
But just because I know that in my head doesn't make it easy to deal with in my heart. Some days I do better than others, and overall, I was doing really good trusting until Monday. We met with a realtor to talk about putting our house on the market, and that's when I think the move really hit me. Sure there were tears when DH made the announcement we were moving and when I notified my department at work. Yes, there have been tears driving around town when I realize we'll be leaving the mountains and scenery that we love. There are tears when I look around R's room and remember all the work and love put into preparing it for her arrival.
I'm such a sentimental person, it's hard to think about leaving our first home- the place that holds so many memories, and yet, I know it's only a home filled with material possessions. We get to take the memories (and photos of them) with us. I know we will probably come back and visit this town again some time in the future to show R where she was born, but coming back, everyone and everything (including us) will be different. Life as we know it...comfortable, content, happy life here in this town will not exist again. Yes, we will become comfortable in the new place. I'm sure of it, but right now, it's just that...a new, unknown, unfamiliar place. And that's the scary part to me and the part that's shaking my trust. I have to keep reminding myself that the way was made clear to us. We're not doubting the decision made; I'm just dealing with the reality of transition.
It wasn't until we talked about everything we need to do to get our house ready to put on the market, and then started doing it, that the tears came in full force. Taking down all of our photos, our wall hangings, our crosses (because crosses, wine, and coffee pots could be a turn off to a potential Mormon buyer, according to our realtor), etc. takes our personal connection out of the house. I've cried for 3 days in a row as I look around at the bare walls; it just looks so lifeless. And I guess that's sort of how I feel a little bit- like some of my joy has been sucked out, and I'm trying to turn my emotions off so I don't have to feel sad any more. Did I mention Advent is my favorite season and I'm not even sure we'll be able to set up our tree or nativity sets? How I was looking forward to R's 1st Christmas pictures by our tree.
If I stop to think about all that needs to be done (get our house ready to go on the market, sell our house, look for a new place to live, celebrate Advent and Christmas some how, finish my job, say our goodbyes, etc.) it is extremely overwhelming- especially considering we only have 4-5 weeks left here! Talk about insane, huh? If you want a sure fire way to induce stress, just decide to move and then have to do it in a total of 6-7 weeks with an almost 7 month old who seems to be constantly teething (ie. extra clingy and needy). No wonder why my milk supply seems to be inadequate for R and she has been extra fussy because of my stress. Still, I don't know how to be relaxed about it all.
Things will be so different; I know the adjustment will take time and the next several months will be hard. I'm giving myself 6-12 months before I expect to feel settled in a new place. If it happens before that time- fantastic. I'll gladly take it. But just the logistics of having to rent an apartment for awhile and then look for a home to buy will take time. Oh, and Lent starts extra early this year (mid-February), which means DH will be busy through the end of March when Easter is.
I heard this song on the radio last week, and two lines just keep running through my head: I wish I knew how all my fears and all my questions are gonna play out in a world I can't control and To you my future is a memory cause you're already there.
Things are SO out of my control right now; I think that's one of the reasons for my major angst. I don't like being pushed so far out of my comfort zone, but I do know my faith will only be made stronger because of this. I cannot rely on my own wisdom or strength; truly it is God who will bring this all together.
And then the 2nd line- the idea of my future being God's memory is really cool. He already knows where we will live, how we will get settled, etc. Now I just need to trust Him, wait, and be patient for it to all play out. Easier said then done, right? Trust. Wait. Patience.
"Already There" by Casting Crowns.
I can't recall, are you moving to Atlanta? If so, I can put you in touch with my BFF. She's a stay at home mom (used to be a teacher) who has four children.
ReplyDeleteAnd for a clingy baby, have you tried the Moby wrap?
I will be praying for y'all as you transition!
ReplyDeleteI know that if God's leading you there (and He is) it will be amazing, but I will pray for you now, because it is really hard to pack up and move with all the frustration and sadness that comes with that!
ReplyDeleteMoving is tough without a baby, let alone a baby who wants her Mama all the time. It would make it hard to pack & organize, like I'm sure you want to.
ReplyDeleteIt has to be hard to de-personalize your house before you've even left. And no Christmas tree/decor? That is a sacrifice.
I'm excited to see how God works through you during and after your move. He has an amazing plan & I will be praying for peace as you are in the thick of things!
My brother and SIL are in your same position. God is calling them to move as well! I admire your willingness to follow! HE will bless you immensely because of it!
ReplyDeleteOh friend, I feel for you! This time last year was hard for me too. We didn't decorate because we were moving, although I was somewhat glad for the distraction because of IF. This past year has been amazing though. Our prayers were answered and I'm still in disbelief. I have a hard time trusting too. It is my sincere prayer that this next year will bring more joy than you could ever imagine!
ReplyDeleteP.s. amazing about the movers!