Waiting, praying, and trusting....more specifically....waiting on God and His timing, praying to God for ___________ (peace, patience, wisdom, guidance, etc.), and trusting in God and His timing and outcome.
Three hard and difficult things to do, yet it seems like these three words have followed me throughout various stages of my life. I'm beginning to see these as lifelong lessons. I can think back to the times where I had to wait, pray, and trust God to reveal the next step in life, what to do after college, if I should move and go to graduate school, when I would meet my spouse, when we would get pregnant, when we would stay pregnant, when family members would come to faith (still waiting, praying and trusting with this one), and now what will happen with this pregnancy.
Waiting- I'm not very good at waiting because I'm somewhat of a control freak. I like things planned and organized, and waiting isn't conducive to planning. I can plan all I want, but most of the above things were out of my control. I have grown in my patience over the years, but I realize I still have a lot of room to grow in that area.
Praying- I pray every day during my morning devotion time and with DH in the evenings, but a lot of time my prayers are more surface level requesting things for others, safety, health, and specific concerns. I often don't pray deeply because I think I'm afraid of what God's answer might be. And then there have been times in my life when I haven't wanted to pray to God because I was so angry with Him. I certainly don't spend a lot of prayer time praising God for who He is. I thank God for things He's done, conversations He provided, etc., but that is different than just praising Him for His entire being.
Trusting- This one is probably the hardest. Do I trust God with my life? The short answer is yes, I do, but do I trust Him with every area of my life? I don't want to because I'm afraid of what that trust might involve or require of me. Do I trust that He loves me and care for me? Yes. Do I trust Him to watch over this baby in my womb....yes, but because of sin in the world, I don't know what the outcome will be and that is hard.
And so I find myself this week reflecting upon these 3 words in my life at the moment. I don't know what is happening with this pregnancy, and I don't know what the end result will be, but I wait, pray, and trust God.
I talked with my Napro Dr. on Weds. and the first question he asked me was if I had any spotting or cramping. That tells you what he thought about that stinky progesterone number. I reminded him of the good ultrasound that took place 6 hours after that blood draw, and he said he wouldn't worry so much about it because things did look good with the baby. I just keep thinking...what if I hadn't had that ultrasound appointment that day? I'd probably think the pregnancy was over. Crazy how impeccable timing can be.
He doubled my shot dose to 200 mg twice a week and I re-test Nov. 7th. He said adding suppositories was optional, but since I'm now in zone 1, I've decided to add suppositories on the days I don't do a shot. And now I find myself waiting again. I was just getting ready to relax and start enjoying this pregnancy more after the ultrasound, and now I feel like I'm on heightened alert again- analyzing all the aches, pains, and symptoms I may or may not be having and then trying to figure out what they mean. This is ridiculous because there's no way to really know what everything means. I did find some comfort from these case examples of women who had low progesterone at 12 weeks (18 and 15- Figure 55-9 and 55-11) and still went on to have healthy deliveries.
I was so close to being out of the first trimester, and now I still find myself wondering if something might go/have gone wrong since Monday. I am trying to focus on the fact that I have only a 2% chance of there being a problem since I have made it so far. Everything thus far (with the exception of that one progesterone level) has been just fine with this pregnancy, and I keep reminding myself of that. The HCG doubled almost perfectly, all the ultrasounds showed the baby right on schedule, and everything else has been fine. I've been singing "I am trusting you Lord, Jesus" over and over in my head as a way to reassure myself that things will be ok. It must be a song in the hymnal, but I haven't looked it up and I only remember that line. I've been talking to myself as well...coaching my body that it can do it- it can continue to support this pregnancy. And I've been talking to the placenta- telling it to pick up speed working and supplying nutrients because the baby needs it. Now you think I've gone completely crazy, huh??
I keep picturing that marvelous picture in my head of our baby moving all around on Monday and just think of what a miracle it is to have made it this far. Any child is a miracle, but I feel like this one is starting to defy the odds of mainstream medicine. I fully believe without progesterone support, I would not have made it this far. And my local OB is ready for me to go off the shots now because the placenta should be kicking in (even after I told her about the low number). Just wait until my next appt. when I have to tell her I'm still on the progesterone support (and at this rate, I may be on it the whole pregnancy).
After our good appointment Monday, our plan was to tell our families and my boss. I was excited to finally let some people in on our big secret and begin making plans that have been on hold as a result of people not knowing (told you I was a control freak/planner/organizer). I freaked out about telling people after the results on Tuesday, but after reflecting for a few days, I think we will still go ahead as planned, but we may caution them a bit as to me still being on shots, etc. I'm going out on faith that things will continue to be ok with this baby and I'm making myself vulnerable by letting people know about the pregnancy. This is scary for me because I am a private person (you wouldn't know it by what I share on my blog, but I am IRL) and DH and I get our support from strong Christians friends more than family. In some ways I feel like I'm setting myself up to have to tell people if something does go wrong with the pregnancy, but at the same time, the God I believe in is bigger than all of that, so I'm stepping out in faith and saying whatever happens, He will see me through.
Three hard and difficult things to do, yet it seems like these three words have followed me throughout various stages of my life. I'm beginning to see these as lifelong lessons. I can think back to the times where I had to wait, pray, and trust God to reveal the next step in life, what to do after college, if I should move and go to graduate school, when I would meet my spouse, when we would get pregnant, when we would stay pregnant, when family members would come to faith (still waiting, praying and trusting with this one), and now what will happen with this pregnancy.
Waiting- I'm not very good at waiting because I'm somewhat of a control freak. I like things planned and organized, and waiting isn't conducive to planning. I can plan all I want, but most of the above things were out of my control. I have grown in my patience over the years, but I realize I still have a lot of room to grow in that area.
Praying- I pray every day during my morning devotion time and with DH in the evenings, but a lot of time my prayers are more surface level requesting things for others, safety, health, and specific concerns. I often don't pray deeply because I think I'm afraid of what God's answer might be. And then there have been times in my life when I haven't wanted to pray to God because I was so angry with Him. I certainly don't spend a lot of prayer time praising God for who He is. I thank God for things He's done, conversations He provided, etc., but that is different than just praising Him for His entire being.
Trusting- This one is probably the hardest. Do I trust God with my life? The short answer is yes, I do, but do I trust Him with every area of my life? I don't want to because I'm afraid of what that trust might involve or require of me. Do I trust that He loves me and care for me? Yes. Do I trust Him to watch over this baby in my womb....yes, but because of sin in the world, I don't know what the outcome will be and that is hard.
And so I find myself this week reflecting upon these 3 words in my life at the moment. I don't know what is happening with this pregnancy, and I don't know what the end result will be, but I wait, pray, and trust God.
I talked with my Napro Dr. on Weds. and the first question he asked me was if I had any spotting or cramping. That tells you what he thought about that stinky progesterone number. I reminded him of the good ultrasound that took place 6 hours after that blood draw, and he said he wouldn't worry so much about it because things did look good with the baby. I just keep thinking...what if I hadn't had that ultrasound appointment that day? I'd probably think the pregnancy was over. Crazy how impeccable timing can be.
He doubled my shot dose to 200 mg twice a week and I re-test Nov. 7th. He said adding suppositories was optional, but since I'm now in zone 1, I've decided to add suppositories on the days I don't do a shot. And now I find myself waiting again. I was just getting ready to relax and start enjoying this pregnancy more after the ultrasound, and now I feel like I'm on heightened alert again- analyzing all the aches, pains, and symptoms I may or may not be having and then trying to figure out what they mean. This is ridiculous because there's no way to really know what everything means. I did find some comfort from these case examples of women who had low progesterone at 12 weeks (18 and 15- Figure 55-9 and 55-11) and still went on to have healthy deliveries.
I was so close to being out of the first trimester, and now I still find myself wondering if something might go/have gone wrong since Monday. I am trying to focus on the fact that I have only a 2% chance of there being a problem since I have made it so far. Everything thus far (with the exception of that one progesterone level) has been just fine with this pregnancy, and I keep reminding myself of that. The HCG doubled almost perfectly, all the ultrasounds showed the baby right on schedule, and everything else has been fine. I've been singing "I am trusting you Lord, Jesus" over and over in my head as a way to reassure myself that things will be ok. It must be a song in the hymnal, but I haven't looked it up and I only remember that line. I've been talking to myself as well...coaching my body that it can do it- it can continue to support this pregnancy. And I've been talking to the placenta- telling it to pick up speed working and supplying nutrients because the baby needs it. Now you think I've gone completely crazy, huh??
I keep picturing that marvelous picture in my head of our baby moving all around on Monday and just think of what a miracle it is to have made it this far. Any child is a miracle, but I feel like this one is starting to defy the odds of mainstream medicine. I fully believe without progesterone support, I would not have made it this far. And my local OB is ready for me to go off the shots now because the placenta should be kicking in (even after I told her about the low number). Just wait until my next appt. when I have to tell her I'm still on the progesterone support (and at this rate, I may be on it the whole pregnancy).
After our good appointment Monday, our plan was to tell our families and my boss. I was excited to finally let some people in on our big secret and begin making plans that have been on hold as a result of people not knowing (told you I was a control freak/planner/organizer). I freaked out about telling people after the results on Tuesday, but after reflecting for a few days, I think we will still go ahead as planned, but we may caution them a bit as to me still being on shots, etc. I'm going out on faith that things will continue to be ok with this baby and I'm making myself vulnerable by letting people know about the pregnancy. This is scary for me because I am a private person (you wouldn't know it by what I share on my blog, but I am IRL) and DH and I get our support from strong Christians friends more than family. In some ways I feel like I'm setting myself up to have to tell people if something does go wrong with the pregnancy, but at the same time, the God I believe in is bigger than all of that, so I'm stepping out in faith and saying whatever happens, He will see me through.
Love your reflections on this, thanks so much for sharing. Those three words are so easy to say. It's so easy with the little things to feel like you're doing a good job of doing those things, but when it's really on the line and it really matters, that's when you realize how tough those things really are! I especially liked what you said about praising God more for who He is. I don't do that enough either.
ReplyDeleteI've been struggling with some trust in God the last couple of weeks, and reading what you said, it reminded me of our awesome papa, Bl. JPII saying, "Be not afraid." Now if I could only do that! :) Praying for you and your baby!!
Surrender and trust...alternating themes in my life. I've blogged about it many times. I'm right there with you on the trusting and ditto to the control freak/planning thing. Oh the cicumstances from which God teaches us, sometimes over and over again.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think it's awesome that you talk to your placenta. Speaking words of life over it certainly can't hurt. I may be stealing that from you someday!
I have the exact same problem with trusting and fear. I know that I say to God yes, do your will, but in my heart, I'm thinking "but if it's going to hurt me, maybe no." If only He could tell me what His plan is, then I could prepare for it. It's the not knowing that is the worst. Aaargh. Praying for the continued health of your baby, peace and comfort for you, and for good news at your next appointment.
ReplyDeleteA lot of things you wrote about rang very true with me in my life. I am praying very hard for you and the little life within you.
ReplyDeleteI honestly feel lately (amongst people I know and fellow bloggers) that a lot of people are stepping out in faith lately. You are not alone.
I hope that when you do tell your familes that no matter what they are supportive of you. I will add that to my prayers.
I bet your next blood draw numbers will be great! Increasing the shot dose and adding the suppositories should really make a big difference.
ReplyDeleteThis post really helped me, thanks for sharing. We are experiencing different trials right now, but the waiting, praying, and trusting remains the same. I will continue to pray for the growing life inside of you. And I will pray that trust continues to become a little easier for both of you. God Bless, C.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you and praying for you. Thanks for this update. It is so difficult to trust God that all is for His higher purpose and our good. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteThe waiting, praying and trusting that you describe above are how I feel sometimes in my prayer life with God. I feel the same ... how do I completely trust? We have SO many of the same questions.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you'll be in my prayers for a continued healthy pregnancy. I hope you do enjoy telling people your great pregnancy news, although it is still scary, we're all praying for you!!!