Meet the Babe

Thanks to everyone who left such fabulous, congratulatory comments.  I feel so loved!  I know many of you have been dying for a picture, so here's one I took yesterday before we left the hospital to come home.  R. was 2 days old in the picture.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head...about labor and delivery, how our bodies (yes, even formerly IF, broken bodies) instinctively know how to give birth, how the recovery process is going, mama instincts about her baby, about nursing, about Baby instincts, seeing God's hand through these past 3 days, etc.

But sleep is low at the moment and every day is full of new challenges and things we need to learn through trial and error.  Every baby is different.  Our latest challenges are a gassy baby (she was spitting up lots of amniotic fluid after she was born), how to get her to burp well and get rid of the gas, and then the challenge of feeding her.  Her weight was 7 lb 3 oz when she was born, but when we left the hospital she was 6 lb 7oz yesterday morning and her pediatrician is a little worried.  A few hours after that, my milk came in as if my body knew she needed to put on some weight fast!  Amazing, huh?   We had just gotten the hang of nursing down and then it has suddenly become a new challenge.  Things are engorged and I'm trying to deal with it without pumping yet to see what happens these next 24 hours.

My heart is full and tears finally flowed when DH and I put her in her car seat to take her home yesterday.  I cried the whole car ride home.  It's still unbelievable to me.  Right up until the end, I still wondered if something was going to go wrong, if she was going to have physical or mental health problems, pregnancy still seemed surreal.  So far she is perfect!  I could just sit and stare at her for hours.  I'm truly in awe.  But I know I need sleep to help my body heal (lots of stitches down there, a few 1st degree tears and a 2nd degree one), so I'm off to rest since she's asleep at the moment.  Please know I've been thinking of you- my blogger friends- constantly these past few days.  I wish you were here with me, so I could share the details going on.  I will share her birth story and more in the future, but until then, know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Today was the day!

My DH and I would like to welcome to the world our daughter, Rachel Elizabeth, born at 3:05 PM MST this afternoon, weighing in at 7 lbs 3 ozs, 19 1/2 inches long.  I didn't even have time to update my blog before we went into labor, it all happened so fast.  Contractions began at 6:00 AM, 10 minutes apart.  Our doula came over around 10:00, said we had quite a bit of time, but I couldn't bear the back pain any longer, so we went to the hospital at 12:00.  They checked me, and discovered that I was already at a 7.  Three hours later, little baby Rachel was born.  No time for pain meds through the labor process, either!  We will update more with the meaning of her name and photos, so stay tuned! 

This is the day that the LORD has made!  We will rejoice and be glad in it!

Nearing the End

We are coming very close to the end of this pregnancy!  It's still so hard to believe that we've nearly made it to the end of a pregnancy without complications.  That still baffles my mind.  We had our 39-week appointment yesterday and Baby still seems to be content inside.  I did have the OB check me this week and things haven't changed much from the last check at 36 weeks.  Yesterday, I was dilated 2 cm, effaced 85%, and Baby's head was still at +1.  I was actually sort of bummed that not much had changed because I've been having such bad back pain and crampy feelings, I thought for sure more might be happening.

When she was checking me/touching Baby's head, Baby was moving his/her head all around as if he/she didn't want to be bothered (Baby was sleeping prior to the check).  I didn't feel any of that, and it still sort of weirds me out that the doctor can touch Baby's head, but it made me think back to our u/s when Baby was sleeping and didn't want to be bothered with all the measurements the technician wanted to do.  I'm hoping this means we have a good sleeper!  It's sort of funny to catch glimpses of Baby's personality already.

May 7th is our official due date according to our doctor/ my LMP, but I actually went back and looked at my charts again, and determined that I think my due date is closer to May 10th or 11th.  Since things continue to look favorable for a vaginal birth, the doctor said we could actually set up an induction for when we wanted any day next week (at 40 weeks!).  What?!?  I was surprised to hear her say that.  Induction was not on my mind until we hit 41 weeks as I know that's hospital policy here.  I didn't say much, but was thinking in my head, "no way!" 

We made our 40-week appointment for next Tuesday and will then, most likely, have to set up an induction for May 14th (41 weeks).  We'll also need to decide if we want her to strip my membranes next week or not (I told her not to this week).  I don't think she would let me push back an induction after that May 14th, even if I brought my charts in.  I'm not really sure what else I could do, but I know I'd prefer labor to start on it's own without having to be induced.  I'm confident that Baby and my body know when the best time to start labor will be, so I'm just trusting and praying in God's perfect timing (and that it happens these next 11 days).

What a change of course from the previous 3 weeks when I was on alert for Baby coming early, huh?  I still haven't tried any natural induction methods yet, so I could pull them all out next week if need be.  Right now, I've just been trying to relax, rest, and enjoy these last few days before Baby's arrival.  With my free time, I've been slowly moving things back into our house and getting the basement more organized from the chaos of construction.  I'm not doing a ton of physical work, but putzing away at it each day.  I'm also making sure to take a daily nap (in case we go into labor in the evening) and doing a lot of reflecting on these past 9 months as well as our journey to get to this point because truthfully, I wasn't sure we'd ever carry a pregnancy to full term, and I'm not sure we'll ever be blessed with another healthy pregnancy.  These are some of the things I'm going to miss about pregnancy:

• the baby movements- the kicks, punches, rolls, and shifts at all hours of the day.  I seriously love it and don't mind being woken up or kept awake at night because of Baby's movements.  It is still amazing to me that there's a little person inside.  The movements are glorious.
• baby hiccups in utero- such a funny, yet cool sensation
• the weekly OB appointments and heartbeat checks lately
• trying to imagine the different body parts moving around inside
• the planning, dreaming, and praying for our child with DH
• being that girl- you know- the pregnant one walking around that I used to be so envious of
• the little back or bum that will sometimes stick out and fit in the palm of my hand
• talking and singing to my belly (DH and I)
• the funny belly contortions- square belly, lopsided belly, pointy belly, kidney bean belly
• the amazing support, encouragement, and prayers from so many family and friends IRL and in this community

There are also some things that I won't miss nearly as much as the above points.  They are:

• sleeping on the side (I'm much more of a back and stomach sleeper)
• the 9 month pregnant waddle, especially trying to move down into the pew at church
• the aches, pains, and pressure in new places (hips, down the sides of my legs, groin, pelvis)
• the ever increasing waist size (up 12 inches) and weight gain (up 45 pounds)
• the anxiety on days where Baby is more sluggish/less active
• two shots of PIO twice a week for 33 weeks (that equals 132 shots given by "Nurse" DH!)
• the grunts, groans, and other noises required to roll over or get out of bed
• the contortionist moves needed just to shave my legs once a week
• the hourly trips to the bathroom each night and not dreaming or sleeping deeply

All in all though, this pregnancy has been an amazing experience that I will and continue to treasure right up until the end.  My IF/miscarriage experience has given me such a greater appreciation for all that pregnancy has offered- yes, even the sleepless nights and the physical pains were incredible for me to experience.  And as I near the end, people are constantly asking me if I'm ready for pregnancy to be over.  Sure I've been in the most pain these past 3 weeks, but I'm not really in a rush for it to be over.  I recognize what a gift pregnancy is and I'm not hurrying to be done with it.  Yes, I can't wait to see and meet our Baby, but I'm also content waiting and treasuring this stage.  Thank you, IF, for giving me that attitude of contentment- one that I've not often heard from a pregnant gal.

I truly feel fortunate that everything has gone so well with this pregnancy.  DH and I have much to be thankful for with this little life.  Even the doctor remarked this week that things have gone just perfectly through this pregnancy.  We're praying that's the case with labor and delivery as well.  I will keep y'all posted in some way...even if it's just to let you know we're heading to the hospital and we need prayers!  Thanks for being part of the journey.

Trusting God Through Pregnancy and Beyond

Trusting God.

Waiting on His "perfect" timing.

Letting Him be in control of my life.

These are all areas that have been a struggle in my life.  I can think back to some of the darkest times during my infertility journey and screaming and crying out to God because I didn't trust Him or didn't agree with the timing He was choosing for my health/fertility issues.  I have really struggled with my lack of trust of God through IF and miscarriage.  I feel like in the past few months, however, something has changed and my trust has increased.

This weekend I went back and read through most of my pregnancy journal that I started with the 1st pregnancy back in September 2009.  I read through the joys of that 1st ever BFP and read through the heartache that followed after the missed miscarriage and re-living all of those significant dates a year later.  I read through my struggle that year after and then about the 2nd BFP in September 2010 and then that loss as well.  My journal writing in that journal became pretty sporadic after the 2nd loss.  Sure, I still wrote in it when things related to IF, loss, or my spiritual walk as a result of those things came up, but it was only a few times a year.  And then I picked it up again in September 2011 with this 3rd, most surprising BFP.

From the very beginning of this pregnancy, I've been repeating the phrase, "Jesus, I trust in you" over and over in my head because I was not at a place of trust at the beginning of this pregnancy.  Even with the near perfect HCG doubling, the good progesterone numbers at the beginning, the fabulous u/s and sound of the heartbeat at 6w1D, the next u/s at 8 weeks, and then another u/s at 12 weeks.  I was an emotional wreck that 1st trimester and needed to continue remind my heart that I was trusting in Jesus.  I can remember those first few weeks repeating that phrase over in my head every time I went to the bathroom and before checking the TP.  I was that worried about another miscarriage.

I was just starting to settle down a little and my progesterone numbers starting doing 20 point swings at 12 weeks and doubt began to creep in again.  And then all of my 1st trimester symptoms went away over night and I freaked out and had to go in and get the heartbeat checked.  Surely, this 3rd pregnancy was too good to be true.  Surely, it would end like the other 2 have.  Surely, this broken, old body couldn't sustain a pregnancy all the way through.  The constant mind battle from 1st trimester carried over into 2nd trimester.  It wasn't all the time.  There were times of joy and wonder over this miracle of creation, but most of the time I would stop and let my mind wander, it would wander into the realm of doubt lack of trust.  Even though all of the signs except the wacky progesterone numbers continued to indicate a healthy, viable pregnancy, I still couldn't believe it and trust God.  I even was still lacking trust when we went in for the big u/s appointment at 19 weeks.  I thought for sure we would see something wrong because it had been 7 weeks since our last u/s appointment.

And then something changed.  I don't really remember exactly when, why, or how, but in January around 22-24 weeks or so, I started to relax and trust and believe that God had this pregnancy under control.  Maybe it was feeling the baby move more obviously, or the duration of time that had passed with the pregnancy, or the many prayers and support of faithful believers that had been lifting us up since we announced the pregnancy in late October and early November.

Or it could have been the two Bible verses I started meditating on in December.  Every time I was in the bathroom, I would see Psalm 139:13 (you knit me together in my mother's womb) and Psalm 139:16 (all the days ordained for me were written in your book before I was born) written out and hanging on the mirror.  I had decided I need to train my mind and heart into believing that God really was in control, and the best way to do it was through Scripture and the power of the Holy Spirit.  I could not simply keep relying on my sinful mind to trust God with this pregnancy and child.  I needed higher power!  I also realized, something had to change otherwise I was going to be a stressed out/worry-wart mother all of the days of this child's life.  That is not what I wanted for me or Baby.

Whatever it was, I started to settle down.  My progesterone still continued 20 point swings from Zone 1 to Zone 2 and then Zone 1 again, but I didn't freak out and worry about it as much as before.  In fact, I stopped going every 2 weeks to check the progesterone level (per my Napro Dr.'s suggestion), and instead went every 3-4 weeks.  My Napro Dr. said I could still continue with checks in 2 week intervals, but I was ok not doing that.  I waited 3 and 4 weeks between progesterone checks!  Amazing.  Sure, I still had my thoughts and moments of doubts, but I tried to pray and remind myself of the trust with God I was having with this child.

And then there would be days (usually once or twice a week) where Baby was much less active in the womb.  I would start to fret and debate calling the OB, but then I would feel a movement or two and say I was trusting Jesus with this baby and if things weren't different by the morning, I'd go in and see the OB.  And every single time that happened (almost once a week since January/February), Baby would be moving just fine the next day.  In fact, Baby seemed to develop a pattern where he/she would have a super active day followed immediately by a decreased activity day.  This has been going on most of the 2nd and 3rd trimester.  Do I like it?  No.  I'd rather have Baby with the same activity level every day, but I've learned to deal with it much better.

My DH also pointed out other areas where he's really seen me grow in my trust- the timing of this Baby's arrival with house projects and my teaching, anticipation of labor and delivery, uncertainty about breastfeeding thanks to my PCOS, etc.  He has noticed a change in me the past few months as well, which only confirms what I have been feeling inside in regards to trusting God.  I've become a lot more balanced with my emotions instead of the rollercoaster highs and lows that would accompany me and my fears.  I don't freak out nearly as much as I have in the past.  I'm more relaxed and calm.

Does that mean I don't have doubts or trust issues with God any more?  Of course, not.  Do I have a perfect trust?  Heck, no.  Trusting God will be a lifelong faith issue for me.  I still struggle, but I'm hoping the experience and lessons I've learned about trusting God these past few months during pregnancy will carry over into motherhood in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead!

Now, please don't misunderstand this explanation of trust as being reckless or careless with this precious child's life.  I never thought or had an intuition that Baby was in imminent danger.  How I seem to work is I get an idea in my idea (What if something is wrong with Baby today because he/she seems to be moving less?), and then I dwell on it all day until I've worked myself up into a tizzy and can't think about anything but this "problem" I've created in my mind.  This is the area of trusting God that I have been working on, so that when those thoughts come into my mind, I remind myself that I am trusting God with this issue/child.

Pregnancy Vocabulary and Maternity Pictures

I have so many thoughts floating around in my head, I'm afraid I'm going to run out of time before I can post them.  I am working on a post about trusting God.  Hopefully, I will have processed through that soon.  Lately, my sleep has been getting worse, and it seems when I'm awake until 1am or from 4-6am, God really has been speaking to me about so many different things.  Last night, I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep, so I got my iPod and started listening through some of my Christian songs.  I realized that I had not listened to some of the playlists in a long time, and some of the songs brought tears flowing because of where we've been on this IF, miscarriage, and now pregnancy journey.  I tried not to cry too loudly because DH was still sleeping next to me, but I was just overwhelmed with emotions- guilt, unworthiness, joy, etc.

But- to the topics of the post.  Pregnancy vocabulary.  It's a whole new world of learning for me.  I'd heard of dilation and effacement before, but Bishop's score, engagement, heparin or saline lock, bloody show, etc. were all new.  Here's where they fit in.  Two weeks ago at my 36 week OB appointment, I had the first cervical check.  I wrote about how awful that was and how freaked out I got by the OB's news that she thought this baby was coming early.

Last week, I found out exactly what prompted her to say she didn't think I would make it to my due date.  These were my stats at 36 weeks:
dilation (how open the cervix is from 0-10 cm): 1.5 cm

effacement (how thinned out the cervix is from 0-100%): 80%

engagement (where baby's head is in relation to the spine from -5 to +5 where -5 is 5 cm above the spine/a floating head, 0 is engaged, and +5 is 5 cm below or crowning right before delivery): +1

Bishop's score (0-13 where a low score means labor probably won't start on its own without induction and a 9 or higher means labor will most likely start on it's own with a successful vaginal birth): 9

My numbers are in bold.  You can see that things certainly seemed to be moving towards labor in my body.  But they are just a bunch of numbers, and since this is the 1st baby I will birth, some of these changes happen 2-4 weeks before delivery.  No one knows when a baby will arrive, so it was her best guess.  After freaking out some, DH and I were able to finish the last items on our must-do list like pack our hospital bags, find a pediatrician, write our birth plan, and meet with our doula.  I tried to rest and take it easy when I wasn't at work.

And then we went in last week for my 37 week appointment and asked her not to check me, which she was completely fine with.  We talked about our birth plan, which she was also ok with.  We said we were fine with Baby coming whenever he/she was ready.  Wednesday I woke up to spotting and sort of freaked, but I could tell Baby had moved lower.  The nurse confirmed that capillaries do burst down there and usually it's a sign of dilation and can be the bloody show you hear people talk about.  Still, who likes to spot during the end of pregnancy and all day long?  I wish someone would have told me these things, and no, nothing was done to irritate my cervix, so it was just my body spotting on it's own.

I felt really good most of this past week (Thursday-Sunday) and thought, oh no, I'm nesting and this baby is coming soon.  Today (Tuesday) I woke up to spotting yet again (can you have 2 bloody shows or continuous shows?) and tons of pelvic pressure.  Either Baby scooted back out some over the weekend, which is why I felt good, or I just got used to it and today he/she inched closer to exiting.  I'm not sure, but I asked the OB again today at the 38 week appointment to not check me.  My body is definitely working towards labor and I really don't want to know how much I've progressed because what does it change?  This is coming from someone who loves having all the information and details...I keep track of all my numbers from every appointment (baby's heart rate, fundal height, weight, blood pressure, etc.)...but I don't want to know the dilation, effacement, or engagement at this point.  Crazy, huh?

Two weeks ago we didn't think we'd make it to this 38 week appointment and we did.  I will say I feel closer to labor today than I did then though.  I've spotted pink quite a bit all day long today, I can hardly walk because of where Baby's head is in my pelvis, and I've had contractions off and on all day.  This formerly broken/IF body is getting ready to birth a baby...incredible!

We still don't have any idea of when real labor will start, but chances are we are close.  I'm trusting God to work out the timing of it all (I'd still like to finish my last days of work this week, our doula has final exams next week, DH has work things Friday and Sunday).  I don't know what the labor process or time in the hospital will look like, but I'm starting to get a picture of the end result (healthy baby in arms).  I am trusting God for everything that will take place in the middle.  Amazingly, I seem to be calm with not knowing and not being able to plan.  That is a gift from above.

And finally....maternity pictures.  These were taken the end of March at 34 1/2 weeks.  I wasn't sure we were even going to get pictures taken because I was so unorganized and didn't plan ahead because we were busy with Lent, house projects, and dad's visit.  All the photographers I contacted were already booked and most recommended having pictures taken no later than 35 weeks.  I was starting to stress out about the high cost of the photographers that were still available (hundreds of dollars and you have to buy all your prints from them) and happened upon this one that was really cheap.  I wasn't totally in love with her photos like some of the other photographers, but I figured we'd get at least one good photo (yes, that was my expectation) to have to preserve this time.

I contacted her and we were able to meet within the week.  She scoped out an amazing spot and we had the most beautiful spring night to be outside.  The scenery was incredible and exactly the thing I love about living here.  We took so many different shots and ended up liking much more than just 1.  In fact, most of the images she edited and gave us on the CD turned out great.  And we only paid $50.  Seriously!  Thanks, God, for taking care of that one.  Our expectations were far exceeded.

Here are just a few of our favorites.

Photo credit goes to Amy W. Photography.

DH and I reading "Guess How Much I Love You."

Silhouette

Walking the tracks

I love this one...DH, Me, Baby, water, and mountains.

Beautiful scenery less than 10 minutes from our house!

I still sort of freak out when I look at these pictures or catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I'm pregnant.  I really am!  My almost 34 year old body, that I have had numerous problems and frustrations with, is growing a baby...a real, living, breathing human being.  Thank you, God, for this gift.  It truly is a gift from you.

Updates and Lent 2012

Updates:
It's so hard for me to believe Lent is upon us and we're already 4 days into it.  Wasn't it just Advent and Christmas?  It probably doesn't help that I spent the better portion of January and February sick, so it really does seem like we were just celebrating a different season of the church year.  And I just spent the last week sick with a cold again...the same cold or a different one- I'm not sure.  That means I've been sick for 4 weeks this year already, but who's counting?  We're only 8 weeks into the year.  As long as my body is sacrificing my immune system to protect that of the baby's, I'm ok.  If it's not...well, let's just not go there.

I do think I'm mostly over this latest cold thanks to oranges, decaf tea, Ocean Nasal spray, Netipots, no exercise, humidifiers, lots of kleenex, a little Sudafed, and lots of naps.  Let's hope my healthy stint this time lasts longer than the last one of just a few days.  I keep feeling like my body has failed me, but then I need to remind myself that it is still incubating the baby, so that is not a failure.  I am still kicking myself for going off the low dose naltrexone at the beginning of the year.  I started to get freaked out about being on it and Metformin past 20 weeks because I didn't think the baby needed to be on it, so my Napro Dr. said I could go off because it's uncertain how much it helps past the 1st trimester.  But I now seriously wonder if the naltrexone was helping to boost my immune system because I didn't even so much as have a cold the entire 6 months I was on it (pre-pregnancy and the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy).  My Napro Dr. said he isn't sure, but it is an interesting theory. 

A little over 2 weeks and my dad will be arriving in town to help us get the nursery in order.  I can't wait.  It'll be so good to have him out here, but in the meantime, we are working hard to try and clean out our spare room and get someone in to finish that room in the basement, so he has a place to sleep.  DH has been a trooper working on this alone, though I did feel well enough today to help him tackle some of the clutter. 

Lent:
I usually pick one thing to give up or one spiritual component to add to my life during Lent, but this year I have a few things on my list.  It's more of a "goals for Lent" list because I couldn't just pick one thing as they are all important in different areas.  Here's what I'm focusing on these next 6 weeks:

-for my emotional well-being: I'm giving up 40 bags of stuff for Lent.  I remember Isaiah 55:8-9 doing this last year and being so impressed with her, but I also remember thinking, there's no way I could get rid of that much stuff in such a short amount of time because it would be so hard.  Well, here I am one year later!  My motivation is sky high to purge stuff and make room for Baby and my DH is very supportive of my effort.  I want to get all of these house projects done now before Baby arrives because I don't want to worry or stress about anything house-related after Baby is here.  So it's to the trash, recycling, or donation pile we go!  We have a few things I may try to sell, but my main goal is to get it out quickly.  I'm already 13 bags in, and I'm surprised how easy it's been so far.  I guess we're the typical American consumers with too much stuff that we don't use or need anymore just cluttering up our house and mind.

-for my spiritual well-being: I'm participating in Prayer Buddies and hoping to read "Hinds Feet on High Places" during Lent.  It's a book that has been on my to-read list for quite awhile as it speaks about the journey of the Christian life from faith to maturity.  The opening verse from Psalm 30:5 has already caught my attention (weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning).  Companions on the journey in this allegory are Sorrow and Suffering and the main character is Much Afraid.  I'm praying the book the book serves as a good reflection to all the last 4 years have involved and helps my mind and soul focus on where I've been and how I've grown thanks to Him.

-for my physical well-being (and my immune system): eat a minimum of 5 servings of fruits/veggies each day.  I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I've been so focused on protein needs that I don't always get 5 servings in a day.  Baby and I need at least that much, so I figured as I was setting goals, now would be a good time to do it as we enter this home stretch in pregnancy.  Plus, it helps that I can get points for it on my insurance healthy rewards program for 2012.  Points translate into dollars in our pocket at the end of the year, and it's sad to say money motivates me, but it is true at times.

So there you have it, 3 goals for Lent addressing 3 different areas of well-being.  Again, not the typical plan I follow for Lent, but one I feel like is exactly where I'm supposed to be this Lent.

Trip Re-Cap

Well, finally here's a brief recap from our travel weekend.  Thankfully, we were both well enough to fly.  It sure was iffy the days leading up to the trip.  I was so worried about my ears being plugged and painful, and while they were still a little plugged, they weren't painful- PTL!  My husband caught my cold, however, before the trip, and had to deal with majorly plugged ears.  Poor guy.  He can't catch any breaks this pregnancy.

We got in on a Thursday night, my dad picked us up, and we headed to my Grandma's new place where we would be spending the weekend.  We were able to stay in a guest suite right next door to her apartment, which was a perfect location for all of our events of the weekend.  Plus, we enjoyed the extra time with her.  Breakfast every morning was down in her cafeteria with the 55+ crowd.

The rest of the days and evenings were filled with family time.  The most exciting part was meeting our new niece for the first time.  This is my little brother's 1st baby and the 1st grandchild on my side of the family.  You may remember all of my jealous emotions when his wife announced their pregnancy to me last year.  Sad to say, I probably would have still had a hard time with the baby if it weren't for our own growing baby inside.  But amazingly, I wasn't jealous and didn't even think about that while we were there.

DH did a lot of this:

We started calling him the "baby whisperer" because he was so good at calming down little G.  I seriously can't wait until he puts those skills to use on our baby.  What a blessing that will be!

Friday we went over to Grandma and Grandpa's house to look at some of the things Grandma wanted me/us to have.  It was really strange seeing the house so empty and free of their things.  It hardly looked like my grandparent's house that I remember.  The last time I visited MN I stayed with her at her house in October, so my family has really done a lot of work since then to get the house ready to sell. (Grandma only moved out of her house late October.)

I have many, many things of Grandma's, but nothing of Grandpa's, so DH and I went to the basement to see what we could find.  My Grandpa was an avid fisherman and hunter, so he had lots of duck pictures on the wall.  It was also his work area with all his tools, etc.  We found a picture we liked that we thought would look nice displayed in our house, so Grandma said we could have it.  After we took it off the wall and inspected it closer, we noticed the artist had signed his name below a fish with ichthus written in Greek inside it.  What a cool reminder of Grandpa and our shared faith with him (a lot of my family is unchurched).

Then we had lunch with my dad, Grandma, and Aunt, which was fun and relaxing.  We took naps because DH and I were both tired and still a little weary from our colds, then we headed to my parents house to celebrate my little brother's birthday.  It was fun to be in town for a birthday celebration.

Saturday morning we had a little crisis at Grandma's.  Before we met her to go down for breakfast, she'd been cleaning around her apartment and dumped her trash and recycling.  She couldn't find her keys any where, so she thought she dumped them down the chute.  We helped her search and then we tried to talk with the management to get an extra set of keys.  They didn't have an extra set and she was hysterical because we had so many plans that weekend where we would need to lock her room, but also get in to help prepare for 2 parties to be held at her place.  I suggested we go down to the dumpsters and DH saved the day by dumpster diving for her keys!  He first climbed up in the recycling one, and of course the keys weren't there.  Then he climbed into the huge garbage one and there they were!  Phew.  Major disaster adverted.  DH maintains hero status in Grandma's eyes:-)

Then we helped dad book a plane ticket to come visit us next month and help prepare the nursery.  More on that later, but dad is not a big fan of flying (he's been on a plane 3 times in his life) and this will be his first solo plane ride!!  So excited.  We helped set up for the baptism party and then went to the church for the baptism.  This was a huge answer to prayer because little brother and SIL haven't been to a church since their wedding 2 1/2 years ago.  The fact that they wanted to get their child baptized and found a place to worship on their own is amazing!  They are going as a family regularly and are excited to get more involved.

Here's the little family after the baptism.  Welcome to God's family, G!

Here's our niece.  Seriously, I could eat this girl up she is so stinking cute.  She's 11 or 12 weeks in this picture and an absolute doll.  Every time I talked to her or played with her she would smile at me.  I could eat her up.  If our child is half this cute, I will have no problem staring at him/her all day long.

Sunday afternoon was our baby shower.  I don't have any pictures yet since I left that up to one of my aunts.  My other aunt did such a great job planning a couples shower since it's not often that both DH and I are in town.  The guys were good sports as it was the first baby shower for most of them.  It was so fun to see family that I haven't seen for awhile, and my aunt also let me invite a few friends from high school and college that I still keep in touch with.  She had everyone bring their favorite children's book for Baby as part of their gift.  This was perfect since DH and I are such book lovers.  It was so fun to see the books people brought and we had fun reading all of them once we returned home!  It was so fun to be able to celebrate this Baby with dear friends and family.  Something I never thought we'd be able to do.

After the shower, we had a bit more family time before everyone took off.  We stayed and talked with Dad and Grandma for awhile about mom.  Dad has tried to get her to go to marriage counseling with him, but she only has one hour free during the week (that's what she told him) and I think he's pretty much given up on trying to repair the marriage. 

I didn't mention mom much in my re-cap, but she was out of control the weekend we were home.  I'm sure she was excited to see us, but every time she opened her mouth it was to talk about herself, blame someone for something, give unsolicited advice, or put someone down.  She even managed to blame dad for his father's death because she claims she knew Grandpa was sick long before he went to the doctor and she told dad about it.  Whatever.  She had Grandma in tears over that and that was just one example from among many where she just doesn't know how to appropriately talk with people without puffing herself up.  I've long said she has a mental illness that needs serious treatment before there's any hope or chance of a semi-normal relationship with her.  On this trip, DH made the comment that he thought she was demon-possessed!  I've never heard him say that about anyone, but he usually can be pretty good at discerning people, so I don't discredit his comment, I'm just not sure what to do with it.  We have some serious boundary-setting to do before Baby gets old enough to talk with her.

Monday morning we were homeward bound.  Thankfully, everything fit into our carry-on luggage (people were very considerate of our travel needs by giving gift cards) and we made it home without a problem.  I'm so thankful for the time we had with my family, and I'm not sure when we'll be traveling to see them again.  We had lots of I'm thinking I'd like for Grandma to meet Baby in the fall if we're up for traveling then, but it's way too early to tell.

Quick Takes (19): Pregnancy Edition

--- 1 ---

This week marked 28 weeks or the beginning of 3rd trimester!  I honestly cannot believe we have made it to this point.  The pregnancy still feels so surreal to me.  Even as my belly continues to grow and as I feel those precious little movements inside, I still wonder, "When am I going to wake up from this dream?"  I don't think I've fully wrapped my mind around the fact that we will (God willing) be bringing a baby home to our formerly IF house before too long.  I'm not sure if that's because the concept is too foreign to me or if I don't want to let me heart get too excited for fear of that not happening.  (I think it's the later and my heart is still scared and scarred somewhat.)

--- 2 ---

Up until this week, I've felt pretty good (physically) regarding the pregnancy.  (Emotionally, on the other hand, has been another story.)  I've tried to maintain an exercise routine and eat healthy, but I am starting to feel the aches and pains of pregnancy this week (I think my age probably doesn't help either).  My back is bothering me more if I stand too much during the day and I have short, but intense pains in various places on my belly.  My legs also grow quite restless in the evening when I lay down to try and sleep.  Each pain reminds me of the gift this is and how each day we get closer to meeting our little guy/girl.  You will not hear me complaining about pregnancy to others around me.  I've heard far too many pregnant women complain during my IF days, and I remember thinking how I would give anything to be in their shoes.  Well, now I am, and I vowed I would never complain through a pregnancy.

--- 3 ---

I've also noticed my fatigue is back this week.  I don't know if I'm more tired because my progesterone is up, my body is working so hard, I need more protein, or this is just what it'll be like for the remaining weeks, but I've been reminded that I need to slow down even more than I have been.  My body is working hard to make and sustain this baby and I need to listen to it when it's tired in the afternoon.  I don't know how pregnant moms keep working full-time.  I know I sure couldn't do it.

--- 4 ---

Discharge: the surprise of pregnancy.  I thought things would dry up because of all the progesterone production, but boy, have I been wrong.  My chart is still full of yellow stamps and it seems that I now frequently have 6CY or 6PC observations (no infection as of last culture, so perhaps this is just the norm for me and pregnancy or maybe others experience it as well??)  I'm still charting this "cycle" by the way.  I kept charting through the 1st trimester as I did with the other pregnancies because I wasn't sure if this one would last, and then once I was past that point, I just kept charting because it's easy to keep track of when I do shots, when I check progesterone, etc.  I don't know if many people chart through pregnancy, but my Napro Dr. (who is a researcher) is excited to have that information from me after the pregnancy is over.

--- 5 ---

My 10 minute OB appointments leave much to be desired.  I miss the days of 45 minute appointments with my Napro Dr.  Things just aren't the same outside the Napro world.  She checks Baby's heartbeat, feels my uterus, measures fundal height, and then would send me on my way if I didn't come armed with questions.  I always have questions written down that I bring to doctor's appointments.  It doesn't matter which doctor it is, I want to be prepared.  I start going to see the OB every 2 weeks now!  That is crazy to think about.

--- 6 ---

My progesterone was 81 this week...81!  That's Zone 2!  I couldn't believe it.  Protocol says I should go down to 100mg twice a week for the shots, and the rule follower in me would usually do that, but every time I have followed the progesterone protocol, my number has plummeted.  (Last check was 36, mid Zone 1.)  In fact, my numbers zig-zag up and down depending on the shot dosage- progesterone level up, decrease shots, progesterone level down, increase shots, progesterone level up...seriously....that has been the case every 2 weeks.  So I think I'm going to break the rules and just keep on the 200mg or only decrease to 150mg twice a week and then recheck and see where the number is at.  I hardly believe that 28 weeks in, my body has finally figured out how to produce enough progesterone on it's own.  Plus, you can't overdose on progesterone during pregnancy, can you??

--- 7 ---

Now that I seem to be mostly over the 3-week cold, I'm full on nesting.  There are so many things I want to do around the house (all the projects we never did while I was IF) before Baby comes- finish a basement room to have as our main guestroom, paint the nursery and other upstairs room, finish the laundry room, etc.  We have a few deadlines that are helping to keep me motivated, but I'm really not sure if we can finish all that I would like to.  That will be a post all to itself, I think.

For more Quick Takes, visit Hallie at Betty Beguiles this week.

Still Sick Here (***Updated)

Day #11 of not feeling well.  I guess that's not entirely correct since I had a sore throat for 5 days, and then actually started feeling better for 1 day.  Then I came down with that terrible, deep cough for 4 days and now here I am today still sick.  I sent DH to a Super Bowl party and I'm home alone.  My body finally waved the white flag of surrender yesterday and I ended up at Urgent Care.  I usually hate going to that germ-infested place and I never know about the quality of treatment, but I was desperate and it was only Saturday morning. 

So I waited 75 minutes to see a doctor (I was desperate to feel better), who spent a whole 10 minutes looking at my throat, ears, and listening to my lungs.  He said he heard a lot of wheezing in my lungs, but didn't run any tests or do anything else, and concluded that I had bronchitis (I'm taking after St. Rita's Roses during her pregnancy) and possibly the start of a sinus infection.  He gave me 2 prescriptions...I asked if both were ok to take during pregnancy...he asked how far along I was...26 weeks...and said, yes.

I filled my prescriptions pronto and read the information from the pharmacy and the warning info in the box on the first one- Azithromycin- before taking it.  The other one- an inhaler for my lungs- I decided to take later, so I just read the info from the pharmacy.  I took it later, totally forgetting that I hadn't read the warning information inside that box.

Last night, sleep was rough as I woke every 30-45-60 minutes.  Every time I woke up, I had to clear my nose again in order to try and breathe and sleep and then drink more water because my throat was so sore.  I didn't go to church this morning, which hardly ever happens.  DH said many people asked about me because I wasn't there (our congregation is pretty small) and were worried.

So do I finally feel better?  I'm not really sure.  I guess I have a little more energy and I'm not coughing as much, but my body is still definitely fighting something.  I've used a whole box of Kleenex in 24 hours and am now wondering if I really just have a killer cold or something viral instead of anything bacterial??  Even my old standby, Netipot, hasn't helped to keep my nasal passages clear.

Baby seems to be extra active the past couple of days, so either he/she went through a growth spurt or all my coughing/nose blowing is keeping him/her awake too.

Here's the kicker though.  I finally realized today that I hadn't read the warning information on the inhaler, so I did and found out it's a Class C drug during pregnancy (the other prescription is Class B ie. safer), and while there are no human studies in pregnant women, animal studies have shown various congenital anomalies, including cleft palate, limb defects, and teratogenicity (malformation in fetuses)!!!  Hello, I would not consider that safe during pregnancy.  Why didn't the Dr. tell me?  I am so ticked at myself for not reading about it before taking it because I would have probably postponed using it until I talked to my OB.  I feel like it was a moment of weakness because I was so desperate to feel better and so out of it that I wasn't as cautious as I typically have been with taking stuff during this pregnancy, and now I'm going to spend the next 13 weeks worrying about the effects of that drug on this amazing gift of a child. 

I've only taken 4 doses, but my worry-factor has just shot through the roof.  I've already been feeling guilty about being a bad mother because I haven't been able to kick this cold and I've been wondering....should I have slowed down more when I first got the sore throat, should I have gone to the doctor sooner, etc.  Now I'm left with all those "what-ifs" that swirl around in my head and accomplish nothing good.

So I've been thinking about my blog title and verse a lot...I definitely am weak and have been weak throughout a lot of this pregnancy.  There have been so many moments looking back (not just this cold incident) where I truly have been weak, but Christ's strength has worked through me and made me strong.  So that's really the only thing I have to rely on at this point.  I've said all along that this is His child...I'm just the "holder" or the "carrier" (get it, those of you that know my name?) for such a time as this.  I don't know how long that time will be, but I pray it's for many, many years with a healthy child!

On a somewhat related note, would you pray that this is indeed the tail end of this cold/virus/bacteria?  DH and I are supposed to get on a plane Thursday night for what was supposed to be a fun weekend- celebrating my brother's birthday, the baptism of his child (my niece) as well as he and his wife having finally found a church home (huge answer to prayer), and then a couple's shower with family and friends for us.  I was so looking forward to all of those celebrations with my family and I can't bear the thought of not going, but if that's what is best for Baby and I, would you pray for wisdom and a clear sign if that is the case?

And if we do travel, does anything have experience bringing syringes and needles (for progesterone shots) through carry-on luggage?  Did you have any problems getting the needles through security??

***Updated: Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments!  They made me so much better (and calmer) when I read them this morning.  I guess it's always dangerous to post while freaking out, but sometimes posting my thoughts/struggles does help me feel better because then I don't stew about them for so long.  I took some Benedryl last night, which helped me sleep better and a lot of my nasal congestion is gone this morning!  I also talked to my OB's office and they said the inhaler (albuterol sulfate) is what they would have prescribed as well.  I'm still going to run it by Mr. Hebrews though;-)

I also checked the TSA website and they say, "All medications in any form or type (for instance, pills, injectables, or homeopathic) and associated supplies (syringes, Sharps disposal container, pre-loaded syringes, jet injectors, pens, infusers, etc.) are allowed through the security checkpoint once they have been screened."  They don't specifically mention needles, but if you have syringes or a Sharps container, can I assume you are also bringing needles on board?  I think I'll be safe carrying syringes and needles with me.

I'm feeling much more hopeful about getting better and being able to travel.  I'm still at home resting today and am going to take it easy the rest of the week, but at least this is improvement.  Thanks again for your prayers, support, and encouragement!  Baby PPIW is lucky to have you (and I am too).

Honoring the Past and Looking Ahead

Go over and give this lady some bloggy love as she celebrates her one-year blog-o-versary.  And you just might win her giveaway! 

I was one of the lucky recipients of her birthday giveaway, and I wanted to share the cool God-moment that came as a result.  I was able to pick one of her hand-crafted items as my prize.  Originally, I choose something that I liked but didn't have time to email her my request right then, so I decided to do it later.  Later came, and for whatever reason, I had my DH look at all of the options and help me pick one.  He liked this other item that wasn't even on my radar.

I kept wondering why he liked the bracelet the best, but I do value his opinion and kept pondering my choice (real decisive, huh?).  Around that same time, I was curious what the birthstone for May was.  I was thinking about this baby in my womb, still wondering if we will get to meet him/her on earth, and thinking about my May due date.  When I learned the birthstone for May is an emerald, I just knew I needed to request that bracelet that DH picked out.  I love the symbolism that I feel God put before me. 

The fact that there are only 2 large stones on it is just perfect...it represents the 2 babies we have lost before this one, yet the emerald color reminds me of this 3rd baby we are hoping to meet in May.  The symbolism is so deep for me.  It connects my painful past with my present and (hopefully) future!  I love that I can look at the bracelet and be reminded of the 2 little lives we have yet to meet and feel like I'm honoring their memory, while at the same time look ahead with hope to this 3rd life we are praying for right now.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately about moving on and not wanting to forget our 2 little lives.  This is such a simple, yet significant way to honor their memory in my heart, and also help my grieving heart heal and prepare to embrace a new life!  I feel like the bracelet was made just for me, even though I'm sure it was made months ago.  I love when God gives me signs or shows me He knows what I'm going through in ways that I least expect it.  Thanks for reading about my God-moment!  Here's what the bracelet looks like:

Prayer Buddy: pray for us tomorrow morning as we have our big ultrasound appointment!  I'm praying all is perfectly formed and developed in this child.  I keep thinking of Psalm 136:13- that God is the one who created this child's inmost being and He is knitting him/her together (perfectly, I hope!) in my womb.

With All the Saints

All Saints' Day...

Today I woke up to an unexpected surprise.  My pregnancy symptoms were gone!  Like almost, nearly, completely gone.  No nausea.  No fatigue.  No sensitive or sore chest.  No funky food cravings or aversions.  I had sort of started feeling like this last night, but the change was quiet clear in the morning.  I actually had noticeable energy.

Some people had told me this would come with the end of 1st trimester and it often came on suddenly.

So do I rejoice that I'm leaving the 1st trimester behind?  Or do I thank God that my body seems to be right on schedule and doing the right thing?  By now you know me well enough to know the answer is no.  I freak out!  Oh no.  The pregnancy is over.  This must be another missed miscarriage.  My symptoms just nearly disappeared.

I've been on extra heightened alert ever since last Tuesday when I found out the poor progesterone results, so this change only added to it this morning.  Then on top of it, it was time for another shot this morning, so I thought my progesterone must be way low again if I didn't have any symptoms.  I was an instant wreck.

I decide to wait it out.  Surely some symptoms will come later on because I have felt better in the morning and worse in the evening with this pregnancy.  I get to work and wait.. 10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...2:00.  Nothing.  In fact, I don't even have a huge appetite at lunch and there were days last week that I was starving.  With each hour that passes, I feel my anxiety growing greater.  I try deep breathing.  I try positive self-talk.  I try to relax.  Nothing works.  I count my heart rate at 100-120 bpm.

So what do I do when anxiety seems to be getting the best of me?  I know I can't possibly go on like this for another 2 1/2 weeks until my next appointment, and I know it's not healthy for me or the baby, so I call my OB's office and beg and plead for them to let me come in and get a heartbeat check.  They assure me everything sounds normal, but I continue to gently push.  I'll meet with a nurse...anyone.  I just need some reassurance things are ok.  They agreed and told me to come in in an hour! 

I call DH and hope he has some free time to run to the clinic with me and we go.  I don't meet with a nurse, but with my doctor!  That was a surprise.  She was really understanding and said with her first pregnancy all of her symptoms disappeared overnight as well, but that can also be a sign of a miscarriage, so it is good to check it out.  It took her less than 2 seconds to find the heartbeat....156 bpm.  What a beautiful sound!  Everything seems to continue to be going well despite my anxiety, doubts, and fears.  I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, so I do believe the risk for loss has gone way down at this point (perhaps just 1-2%?).  I have a baby inside of me.  I really do.  It still seems so hard to believe.

And now I can breathe easier until our next appointment.  DH thinks I'm crazy, yet he understands.  I just know myself and knew I needed to get in soon if I wanted to make it another 2 1/2 weeks.  That progesterone draw last week sure messed with my head.

I was reflecting on all of this tonight and thinking about how it was All Saints' Day today.  I got a beautiful picture in my mind of our other 2 children looking down from heaven on me and their youngest sibling and telling their brother/sister to stay awhile longer here on Earth.  And then I started thinking about someday (hopefully a long time from now) when those 3 children will be reunited together in heaven.

And then I thought of my grandfather who passed on from this life last November and how he'll be one of the faithful saints we remember by name at church on Sunday.  And then I thought of how he'll never get to meet this child on Earth, and that makes me so sad. And then I decided to stop thinking about those things and say thanks to God for the reassurance I once again have and to ask forgiveness for my disbelief.

And thank YOU to the many of you who have been faithfully praying.  You are the saints this side of heaven!

Waiting, Praying, and Trusting

Waiting, praying, and trusting....more specifically....waiting on God and His timing, praying to God for ___________ (peace, patience, wisdom, guidance, etc.), and trusting in God and His timing and outcome.

Three hard and difficult things to do, yet it seems like these three words have followed me throughout various stages of my life.  I'm beginning to see these as lifelong lessons.  I can think back to the times where I had to wait, pray, and trust God to reveal the next step in life, what to do after college, if I should move and go to graduate school, when I would meet my spouse, when we would get pregnant, when we would stay pregnant, when family members would come to faith (still waiting, praying and trusting with this one), and now what will happen with this pregnancy.

Waiting- I'm not very good at waiting because I'm somewhat of a control freak.  I like things planned and organized, and waiting isn't conducive to planning.  I can plan all I want, but most of the above things were out of my control.  I have grown in my patience over the years, but I realize I still have a lot of room to grow in that area.

Praying- I pray every day during my morning devotion time and with DH in the evenings, but a lot of time my prayers are more surface level requesting things for others, safety, health, and specific concerns.  I often don't pray deeply because I think I'm afraid of what God's answer might be.  And then there have been times in my life when I haven't wanted to pray to God because I was so angry with Him. I certainly don't spend a lot of prayer time praising God for who He is.  I thank God for things He's done, conversations He provided, etc., but that is different than just praising Him for His entire being.

Trusting- This one is probably the hardest.  Do I trust God with my life?  The short answer is yes, I do, but do I trust Him with every area of my life?  I don't want to because I'm afraid of what that trust might involve or require of me.  Do I trust that He loves me and care for me?  Yes.  Do I trust Him to watch over this baby in my womb....yes, but because of sin in the world, I don't know what the outcome will be and that is hard.

And so I find myself this week reflecting upon these 3 words in my life at the moment.  I don't know what is happening with this pregnancy, and I don't know what the end result will be, but I wait, pray, and trust God.

I talked with my Napro Dr. on Weds. and the first question he asked me was if I had any spotting or cramping.  That tells you what he thought about that stinky progesterone number.  I reminded him of the good ultrasound that took place 6 hours after that blood draw, and he said he wouldn't worry so much about it because things did look good with the baby.  I just keep thinking...what if I hadn't had that ultrasound appointment that day?  I'd probably think the pregnancy was over.  Crazy how impeccable timing can be.

He doubled my shot dose to 200 mg twice a week and I re-test Nov. 7th.  He said adding suppositories was optional, but since I'm now in zone 1, I've decided to add suppositories on the days I don't do a shot.  And now I find myself waiting again.  I was just getting ready to relax and start enjoying this pregnancy more after the ultrasound, and now I feel like I'm on heightened alert again- analyzing all the aches, pains, and symptoms I may or may not be having and then trying to figure out what they mean.  This is ridiculous because there's no way to really know what everything means. I did find some comfort from these case examples of women who had low progesterone at 12 weeks (18 and 15- Figure 55-9 and 55-11) and still went on to have healthy deliveries.  

I was so close to being out of the first trimester, and now I still find myself wondering if something might go/have gone wrong since Monday.  I am trying to focus on the fact that I have only a 2% chance of there being a problem since I have made it so far.  Everything thus far (with the exception of that one progesterone level) has been just fine with this pregnancy, and I keep reminding myself of that.  The HCG doubled almost perfectly, all the ultrasounds showed the baby right on schedule, and everything else has been fine.  I've been singing "I am trusting you Lord, Jesus" over and over in my head as a way to reassure myself that things will be ok.  It must be a song in the hymnal, but I haven't looked it up and I only remember that line.  I've been talking to myself  as well...coaching my body that it can do it- it can continue to support this pregnancy.  And I've been talking to the placenta- telling it to pick up speed working and supplying nutrients because the baby needs it.  Now you think I've gone completely crazy, huh??

I keep picturing that marvelous picture in my head of our baby moving all around on Monday and just think of what a miracle it is to have made it this far.  Any child is a miracle, but I feel like this one is starting to defy the odds of mainstream medicine.  I fully believe without progesterone support, I would not have made it this far.  And my local OB is ready for me to go off the shots now because the placenta should be kicking in (even after I told her about the low number).  Just wait until my next appt. when I have to tell her I'm still on the progesterone support (and at this rate, I may be on it the whole pregnancy). 

After our good appointment Monday, our plan was to tell our families and my boss.  I was excited to finally let some people in on our big secret and begin making plans that have been on hold as a result of people not knowing (told you I was a control freak/planner/organizer).  I freaked out about telling people after the results on Tuesday, but after reflecting for a few days, I think we will still go ahead as planned, but we may caution them a bit as to me still being on shots, etc.  I'm going out on faith that things will continue to be ok with this baby and I'm making myself vulnerable by letting people know about the pregnancy.  This is scary for me because I am a private person (you wouldn't know it by what I share on my blog, but I am IRL) and DH and I get our support from strong Christians friends more than family.  In some ways I feel like I'm setting myself up to have to tell people if something does go wrong with the pregnancy, but at the same time, the God I believe in is bigger than all of that, so I'm stepping out in faith and saying whatever happens, He will see me through.

Progesterone Freak Outs

What a difference a day makes.  Yesterday, I was over the moon excited, ready to tell the world.  Today, I'm depressed and crying.  I just called the hospital lab and found out my progesterone was only 14.7 yesterday!  Ahh...I'm freaking out.  I haven't checked the chart, but I'm sure that is Zone 1 for almost 12 weeks along.

Here's my progesterone thus far:
14.7- 12 weeks
23- 10 weeks
21- 7 weeks
27- 4 1/2-5 weeks
16- P+7

My progesterone is now lower than it was before we got pregnant!  What is going on?  What could be causing my body to produce such a small amount of progesterone?  If I hadn't had the ultrasound yesterday, I would think the pregnancy is over.  Time to increase the shots to 200 mg and start using the suppositories again.  Let's hope I hear back from my Napro Dr. today and that he can increase my prescription before I run out.  I've enlisted my prayer warriors this morning (you all and the faithful friends we have told already).

Please, body, keep this life alive.  I realize this pregnancy is totally out of my control now (like it ever was in my control).  God, the author of life, has to be the only one in control right now.

Join With Me....

...in songs of joy!!!

All is well with baby Biscuit!  Praise the Lord!

I work up and read my Bible verse calendar and it said, Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.  Psalm 135:3.  I thought to myself, I sure hope I am praising the Lord for continued life today, not life that once existed.

My appointment went well, despite the hour wait time.  I almost thought DH was going to have to leave before we saw the doctor because he had a meeting he had to be back at work for, and we hadn't accounted for the doctor running so far behind schedule.  I started crying in the exam room because I didn't want to face the appointment without him there.  (I told you I still don't like OB appointments.)

Thankfully, the doctor came in shortly after I had dried my tears and did another quick ultrasound.  It was amazing to see how much the baby had grown in 4 weeks (from 1.4 cm to 5.4 cm).  It actually looked like a baby!  I was measuring 12 weeks (I think I'm 11W 5 or 6 days), but we couldn't get a profile shot for an accurate crown to rump measurement because the baby was looking right at the camera.  It's as if he/she knew we were looking at him/her.  Little stinker.  Is that possible at 12 weeks?  Then the doctor did a 4D ultrasound to get a profile shot (I guess 4D takes a 3D image and rotates it).

The doctor was so good about pointing out all of the features that looked great.  We heard a nice, strong heartbeat again.  We saw the parts of the brain and small chambers of the heart.  We saw the arms and legs, feet, and tiny fingers.  The abdominal wall looked good and strong, the spine was good, and the placenta was visible.  She was very encouraging that we had made it out of the 1st trimester, but I thought 1st trimester started at 13 weeks?  Who knows.  I'm not worrying about that at this point.  Everything we've seen and heard this whole pregnancy has been just fine, so that's what I'm going on.  I'm waiting to hear what my progesterone numbers are from today, but I doubt I'll be stopping the shots.

I am just in shock today.  Even as I sit here looking at the ultrasound pictures that I know were taken of my body, I can't believe that there is a baby (a living baby) inside my body.  It still doesn't seem real.  Is this really happening?  Why me, God, and not some other IF bloggers?  Why now at this time, God?  When am I going to wake up from the dream and find it's over?  It all seems too good to be true, but I'm trying to believe that this is really happening and will continue to happen for another 28 weeks.

We're going to tell our families early next week.  Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops- look at this amazing thing God has done in my broken, IF body!  I've been keeping the biggest secret of my life now for 7 weeks and I'm ready to tell people of how God has performed a miracle.  I still can't explain when, how, or why we got pregnant (aside from an egg meeting a sperm, etc.).  It truly was God's work.  But then, part of me is still cautious.  What happens if something goes wrong and I have to tell all the people that know.  But there will always be that chance for the next 28 weeks (and really throughout the child's lifetime) that something could go wrong, so I'm choosing to give God glory now for this amazing work He has done.  Thank you, Lord, for this amazing gift that I am unworthy to carry.

Remembering Back 2 Years Ago

Last year, October was a really hard month for me.  I celebrated National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day on October 15th, we were recovering from a 2nd miscarriage, and I was remembering back to a year ago with our 1st pregnancy loss.  This October has been much different and I haven't really realized it until now.

First of all, I completely forgot October 15th.  Part of that was because I was traveling, but another part of me thinks it's because I am pregnant now and also healing.  And then I nearly forgot that today marks 2 years since we found out we had lost our first baby.  Last year I was in such a funk around this time.  I was quite depressed as I remembered back to that fateful day in 2009 when we first saw our baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat or blood flow.

I would have forgotten all about it this year, except when I flipped my Bible-verse-a-day calendar to October 23rd, I read the verse and quote and remembered.  I've been using this same flip chart style calendar now for a few years.  Each day has a quote and matching verse on it.  I never remember what I read from year to year, so it's easy to use the same calendar for a number of years in a row!  It sits above our kitchen sink, and each morning as I'm preparing breakfast, I flip to the current day and read the thoughts for the day.

None of the other 364 days stand out to me except October 23rd.  That is the only date I remember when I read it now.  It says: The joy of Jesus will dry all tears.  And the verse to go with it is from Psalm 126:5- Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I remember reading that on October 23, 2009 as I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant with our first child.  I had my first ultrasound appointment that afternoon, but I had sensed something could be wrong with the pregnancy before that as some of my symptoms had disappeared and my progesterone was low.  That morning as I flipped the calendar over and read those words, I started crying.  I just knew in my heart that God was preparing me for bad news at the appointment that afternoon.  So it came as little surprise to me when the ultrasound revealed our baby had stopped growing 2 weeks prior.  My heart already knew.  I didn't even cry until after I left the OB office.

And so I remember back on that painful time 2 years ago and all the pain that came as we processed through our grief not once but two times over the past two years.  Why did we have to experience the loss of two children?  Why the pain of infertility before that and then between those losses?  Until I see Jesus face to face, I won't know those answers, but I can't help but think our pain has made us more compassionate, caring people of God.  My DH and I couldn't help someone in pain if we hadn't experienced such pain ourselves.  Now I don't think God caused our miscarriages to happen, but I do think He has used them for good in how we are able to relate to others.

And here I sit, on the eve of another ultrasound appointment.  This time 11 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I can't help but wonder if my songs of joy are coming.  I've been trying to get a sense for where my heart is at with this pregnancy, and part of me thinks my heart senses everything will be ok tomorrow.  There's no guarantee and OB appointments still make me nervous and anxious, but I pray our time of sowing in tears is over.  I'm ready to reap songs of joy!  And- October 24th is a new day!

Insert Huge Sigh of Relief

All is still well!

I meet with my new OB for the first time today and she didn't freak out about all the meds I'm on, the progesterone injections, or my history, so that is a good sign.  She was pretty chill with everything, and I guess I'll take that at this point.  She even agreed to check my progesterone levels today in addition to all the blood work drawn for a new OB panel.

She did a quick ultrasound and confirmed "Biscuit" is still growing away.  He/she was 4 mm 10 days ago and now he/she is 1.4 cm- noticeably bigger on the ultrasound and now more blob like instead of like a rice grain.  The heart was beating away, but she wasn't able to get a measurement of how fast and we didn't hear it this time, but that was ok since we had that experience earlier.  Dr. said she saw the baby wiggling around, but I couldn't see that.  I'll take her word for it though.

I've been going round and round with my insurance to get the PIO injections approved. I'm hoping by Friday everything will be sorted out and I can pick up the prescription, since I don't have many doses left of my old stash.  Thankfully, I have an old stash that hadn't expired yet.

So now I have my 1st ever ultrasound picture of our baby hanging on our fridge.  I can hardly believe it.  It still seems so surreal and I feel so unworthy. I realize I have another 5 weeks to get through until we're out of the 1st trimester, but I'm actually starting to have hope that we might get to meet this baby face to face.  This is the farthest along we've ever made it in a pregnancy by more than a week.  So now more waiting ensues. I go back for my next appointment with her in 4 weeks and I'll still keep monitoring my progesterone with my Napro Dr.

Off to call my dad for his birthday and then to my women's Bible study.  I only wish I could share the news with my dad today when I call, but will wait until 12-13 weeks thanks to my gossipy mother.  I do get to share with my Bible study group as they've been praying me through these past few weeks and know the struggles I've had the past few years. 

Thank you, Jesus, for continued life in my womb.  Help me to trust in You and Your goodness more instead of being filled with so much doubt.  Bring life to the wombs of many more bloggers that are waiting on You and Your timing.

Falling Progesterone

I met with my Napro Dr. yesterday for the first time since this pregnancy.  We reviewed my charts and cycle of conception and discussed medications to continue taking through the pregnancy.  We also checked my thyroid because I've been feeling so cold this pregnancy and checked my progesterone level.

He just called with my progesterone and it's gone down.  I have a pit in my stomach and am fighting back the tears.  At 4 1/2 weeks my progesterone was 27 (low Zone 3) and now at 6 1/2 weeks it's 21.5 (Zone 2).  He said it should more or less stay stable at this point or go up.

After the amazing emotional high of the ultrasound appointment on Friday, I felt down and depressed this whole weekend.  I didn't have much of an appetite and just felt like my estrogen was too high or my hormones were off.  I guess I'm not surprised then that my levels are low.

Then to make matters worse, I found out that my DH and I messed up with the PIO injection dosing.  We thought 1 cc equaled 100 mg, but 1 cc is only 50 mg, so we've been doing a half dose of PIO this whole time!  We were supposed to be doing 100 mg injections 2x a week and instead we mistakenly halfed each dose.  I feel just sick about it.  DH is still hopeful that things are fine as we saw on the ultrasound.  My worrying has been taken to a new high level at the moment.

I meet with the OB up here for the 1st time next Monday afternoon.  I'm assuming she'll do another ultrasound at that point and we'll see how much progesterone levels are affecting the life of the baby.  I hope we still see the heartbeat then, but it looks like it's another long week of waiting for me to know what is going on.  I'm really struggling with trusting God and the outcome of the pregnancy.  I only want one outcome and that is life! 

The good is I haven't had any spotting or cramping.  My progesterone levels were actually higher with the first pregnancy (31 then 24 around the same gestational time), but I did have spotting early on when my progesterone was 24.  No spotting this time around has to be a good thing, right?  And I've seen the heartbeat, which was right on schedule.  Another good thing, right?  And my appetite came back yesterday with a vengeance.  If I wasn't still trying to follow this food intolerance diet, I'd be eating footlongs from Subway every day.  But- I just can't shake the thought that I'm going down the same road as pregnancy #1.  I so want this time to be different.  When I am weak, He is strong.  I guess I should thank God for all of the reminders of how weak I am, huh?

Would you pray for the safety of our child and for my body to kick up its progesterone production??  And if you have any stories about rollercoaster progesterone levels early on, I'd love to hear them.  I did read some of your comments on Matching Moonheads site, but I'd love to hear more. 

And the Verdict is....

A new chapter seems to be beginning!!!

The ultrasound went so well today- better than we could have expected.  The tech only did an abdominal scan because he could see everything he needed to. He saw the yolk sac and fetal pole.  He saw my tilted uterus.  He saw my left ovary, which looked great.  He measured my uterus.  He tried to find my right ovary, but my bowel was covering it!  Can you believe that?  I didn't know the bowel could move.  My bowel gave us all something to laugh about.  I think I ovulated from the right side, so I would have liked to see if that's where the corpus luteum was (it didn't seem to be on the left).

But before seeing all of the above things, we saw the baby measuring 6 weeks and 1 day.  Exactly where I think I am.  The baby was 4 mm- the size of a grain of rice.  We saw good blood flow to the baby.  We saw the heart beat AND we heard the heart beat at 109 bpm.  Amazing!!  He let us just listen to the heartbeat for a bit.

I think the tech was even amazed that we could see and hear everything we did because it was so early.  He was great though.  His wife went through 6 miscarriages and now they have 5 kids through adoption and natural means.  I think he definitely sympathized with us on pregnancy number 3 and talked to us the whole time through the ultrasound.  That is exactly what I needed.

I kept thinking of Ephesians 3:20 where it talks about God who is able to do immeasurably (or abundantly) more than all we ask or imagine according to his power at work within us (my paraphrase).  And then verse 21 goes on to say to God be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever.  Amen! (paragraph again).

God did so much more than I could have even imagined or hoped for by enabling me to get in for that ultrasound appointment the day after I called, by making it an early appointment so I didn't have to fret all day, and then by showing us everything He did so clearly and enabling us to even hear the heartbeat.  I truly am in shock and awe.  I do not feel worthy to be carrying this life inside of me.

I know we're still not out of the woods yet as far as miscarriage risk goes.  We still have several weeks in front of us to get through before the risk goes way down, but we have made it further than we ever have before with a pregnancy by seeing and hearing the heart beat.  We lost the first pregnancy at 6 weeks 3 days, so I've actually been pregnant longer, but I'm starting to feel confident that this one might actually make it another 34 weeks!

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.  I know it truly is a gift from You.  I don't know why you chose me and why at this time, but help me to cherish this gift each and every day.  Help me to trust in You and Your goodness for my life.  Forgive me for all the doubt and fear I've had lately not trusting You.  Thank you.

Remedies for Worry?

Worry.  It seems that no matter what stage of life we are in, we find something to worry about.  Whether it's worry about... what major to choose in college or ....when we'll meet our spouse or ....when we'll start our family or....when we'll be able to keep a pregnancy or.....what our kids will grow up like, etc.  As women, it seems we can always find something to worry about.

I recently read these two quotes by Corrie ten Boom about worry:

Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

Are those words not so true about worry?  Nothing good comes from worry.  So why then do we continue to worry?

Matthew 6 also speaks about worry.  I try to keep in mind verses 33-34: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  

Ah....another profound statement about worry.  So that begs the question again, if we know all these things about worry, why do we continue to worry?

I've been asking myself this question a lot in the past 10 days.  Why do I continue to worry about this pregnancy when the numbers were great last week?  For me, I think it comes down to fear and not being in control.  I worry because I'm fearful of what the future might hold, and I worry because I'm not in control of the situation and I can't control the situation.

So what do I do to try and lessen the worry?  I try to follow Matthew 6:33- I try to seek God's kingdom first, so that my worry will be put into the proper perspective.  I spend time in God's Word each day through my morning devotional reading and our couple's evening devotion.  I pray to God throughout the day and also pray with my husband each night.  I try and read Christian/Biblically based books that point me to God.  I listen to Christian music in my car.

Even with all of these daily attempts to seek God's kingdom, I still find myself consumed with worry at times, so I ask you...what are your remedies for worry?

My worry factor has gone into overdrive this week as I still don't feel pregnant like I did with the 1st pregnancy.  I know every pregnancy is different, but this lack of symptoms is really throwing me for a loop. So much so that today I called the OB again and asked if I could come in for another HCG blood draw as it's been a week since my last one.  I need some sort of proof that things are going ok because I'm failing miserably at walking by faith not by sight at this moment. I wish I had a stronger faith and was more patient waiting and trusting God.

The office threw me a surprise by saying I could just come in for an early ultrasound tomorrow morning since I should be around 6 weeks now (maybe plus a few days)!  I almost fell off my office chair I was so surprised.  So did I still want to come in for that blood draw today or wait until the ultrasound tomorrow?  Guess what I chose?  Early ultrasound at 7:30am tomorrow morning!!!

Holy cow!  I flipped out after I got off the phone.  I was almost shaking.  I had no clue they would offer me an ultrasound because they've been such sticklers up until this point. I don't know if I'm more excited or nervous to have the ultrasound tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning I will have answers and that will be a relief.  I will have that sight to see what is happening in my body.  Will the baby be measuring on track?  Will the baby be in the right spot in my uterus?  Will there be blood flow to the baby?  Will we be able to detect a heartbeat?  I will know the answers to these questions in less than 16 hours.  Hopefully the tech will tell me something or I'll be able to see something myself.  If not, I have to wait until the nurse reviews it.

And I'll be honest, I'm utterly scared to find out the answers.  Tears are streaming down my face as I type this because I am so afraid and I realize the wound of miscarriage runs deep.  All of the disappointment and heartache from our first pregnancy- the missed miscarriage- just came flooding back to me as I thought about going in for an ultrasound tomorrow.  I remember all too well the joy and excitement I was filled with at that first appointment two years ago.  And then I remember the terrible news that the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind, there was no heart beat, and no blood flow to the baby.  I remember staying composed in the ultrasound room and even talking with the doctor about how to have the miscarriage.  And then I remember just wanting to sprint out of the office after it was all over.  Tears started to flow as DH and I walked to the car and then I lost it and cried for the rest of the weekend. 

And so as I go to the same office tomorrow and probably the same ultrasound room, but I pray that the outcome is so much different this time.  If you think about it, would you also pray that the answers I get tomorrow would match those of my heart's desire?  I so want this to be a new chapter in my life- one of pregnancy life not pregnancy loss.  The problem is, I'm not the one writing the chapter and that's so hard.

Counting Down

7 days until I see my Napro Dr. and get my progesterone checked.

14 days until my first ultrasound appointment!  I caved and called again this morning begging and pleading to get the appointment moved up from Oct. 7th.  After the anxiety waves from this weekend, I just decided I wasn't strong enough to wait that long.  They wouldn't schedule me before 8 weeks, but since my LMP was August 1st, they would schedule me for Sept. 26th (my dad's birthday).  I'm pretty sure I'm only around 5 1/2 weeks today, so I'll only be 7 1/2ish for the ultrasound, which I told them, but they still insist on going by your LMP.  Fine with me.  I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate until CD17-20, so that works in my favor of getting in earlier.

This means I'm in a 2 week wait.  This will probably be the hardest 2WW ever.  At least during the 2WWs for my period, I knew most likely my period was coming, so I didn't get my hopes up much.  Given my track record and all of the cycles I didn't ovulate, I knew most likely to expect some sort of period at the end of the 2WW.  This time, however, I truly don't know what this 2WW holds.  I want to believe it will be good.  I want to believe God's hand will be all over that ultrasound.  I want to trust Him fully.  And I realize I still am so not there.  After 3+ years of IF and 2 pregnancy losses, I still have so much to learn about trust, patience, and waiting.

I started re-reading a book "Sacred Waiting" as I never finished it the first time I started it.  I only read the Introduction last night, but I was reminded of how good the book is.  My goal was to have it completed by my first ultrasound, which means I've got to double up the pace now.  This is one of my favorite parts.  The author is quoting Henri Nouwen, "For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go."  David Timms continues, "He's right.  But sacred waiting teaches us to embrace the desert and relinquish our own plans."

So I'm trying to embrace my desert and give my plans up to God.  As much as I want this pregnancy to be the one, I realize I am not in control of it.  So I'll try to embrace these 2 weeks by doing something constructive and see what God has in store after that.

Prayer Buddy, sorry I'm making you work overtime!