Updates

The Quilt:
I finally finished the massive sewing project on Sunday!  Just in time to squeeze it all down into a box and send it off to MN, so it's waiting for me when I arrive.  I was not about to try and fit this into my carry-on.  Here you see how large it ended up.  Pretty massive for a "baby quilt."  I just followed the directions my sewing teacher gave us (I'm a rule-follower), but if I had to do it again, now seeing the finished product, I would probably make it smaller if it was for a baby.

Here you can see the back side (the smooth one) and then a close-up of the front with the fringe.  It turned out better than I expected and I think the colors will match their nursery perfectly.  My SIL seems like a fringe kind of girl, so I also think she'll like it.

I did end up with 6 squares left over, so I made a "baby version" that hopefully the baby can have before she grows into this large one.

The MN Trip:
I'm off to my home state tomorrow after classes.  It's hard to believe the trip is here as it seemed so far off when I booked the ticket this summer.  I'm excited and nervous.  I'm excited to stay with my grandma and spend time with her.  This past Sunday was her anniversary (the first one she spent without my grandpa) and I know it's been a hard week for her, but she's also really excited about my visit, so I think the timing will be good for her.

Friday the whole family is getting together to see my grandma's new place (she just put a deposit down for a senior living apartment).  She's going to try it out for 3 months, but I think she will stay there and eventually sell the house she and my grandpa called home for all 62 years of their marriage.  But it is change and it takes awhile to adjust, so the whole fam. is trying to support her in this move.  She is 89 after all.  Then it's a big 'ol family dinner.  The irony is Friday would have been my grandpa's birthday, and this is the 1st year he's not around.  Each of these firsts is hard, and I'm actually glad I will be there to support grandma and my dad (it was his father), in particular.

Saturday is more family time and then my first blogger meet-up.  I'm so excited to meet two blogger ladies for lunch!!  More about that after the trip.

Sunday I'll probably go to mass with grandma and then it's the baby shower.  I'm hoping I can just hang in the background of the shower with little attention on me.  Then I have a really late flight home and should arrive back at our house early Monday morning with enough time to sleep and head to work Monday morning.  Fun, fun.

It will definitely not be a restful weekend, which I'm a little bit worried about.  I've been trying to really sleep in, rest, relax, and de-stress on the weekend to make it through the work week.  That won't be happening this weekend, so I'm praying for an extra measure of strength and energy!

I'm nervous about the trip because I said I wouldn't travel home without DH again (as a result of a terrible trip back with mom), but I'm doing it. I've only alluded to the fact that I have a terrible relationship with my mother.  She verbally and emotionally abused my brothers and me when we were young and continues to do it to this day. She bad mouths me to her friends and talks about what an ungrateful daughter I am.  The rest of my family knows not to believe her, but after years and years of that type of abuse without a change in her, I have no desire to be around her.  She is toxic, plays mind games, and goes out of her way to try and corner me so she can pester me about something.  I have no doubt the pit in my stomach I've experienced today is a direct result of knowing I have to see her this weekend.  I hate that she still has an effect on me.  And I hate that she's unwilling to change or admit she has any faults.  I've sought counseling with and without DH, and that has helped, but it still doesn't change her.  I'm praying I can just guard my tongue with her this weekend and not say anything hurtful, which I have done in the past.

The Pregnancy:
I've been mum lately on the pregnancy front.  I guess I'm just trying to make it through the first trimester and then see where things are at. I should be 10 weeks today, and still find myself doubting if I really am still pregnant.  I go back and forth with really being confident one day that things are still fine and that this pregnancy is going to make it another 30 weeks and then I go to the other extreme that this is going to end in another missed miscarriage or it's already over.  I wish I could say I trusted God more, but I don't.  I've never known a "normal" pregnancy that didn't end early, so part of that is just chalked up to my history.  I realize that, yet I hope and pray this time is different.

My progesterone level at 9 1/2 weeks was 23 and it was 21 at 6 1/2 weeks, so not a significant change.  I was really hoping to see an increase because I thought the placenta starting producing more hormones at 9 weeks.  I'm still on 100 mg shots twice a week, but waiting to hear back from my Napro Dr. regarding this latest number and if I should go up to 200mg.

If I hadn't known the progesterone number from this week, I actually think I would be more confident with the pregnancy because I felt so pregnant last week- lots of fatigue, still nauseous at times, food cravings and food aversions, my chest is larger, lots of night bathroom trips, etc.  I still have those signs, but just knowing my progesterone has hardly budged in 3 weeks makes me question and doubt and makes me wonder if the shots are just giving me those symptoms.  It's almost as if I was doing better "walking by faith" last week and "not by sight."  I keep telling myself to just trust for one more day and then for one more day, etc.  Eventually this two week wait will be up and I'll have another ultrasound at 12 weeks to confirm where things are at.

Please don't think I spend all day worrying.  I don't.  I enjoy dreaming and making plans with my DH.  We've talked about how we'll tell our families the big news after our next ultrasound, how we'll announce it to our little church, what I'll tell my boss, if we'll find out the gender, how we'll arrange rooms for a nursery, when we'll have the baptism, etc.  It's been so fun and joyful to have these discussions, and yet, I find myself pulling back at times because I don't want to get too excited.  I enjoy reading the weekly emails I get about the growth of our baby and marveling over the details of what is forming each week.  It is amazing to me that so many of the organs are formed or being formed, and yet, it doesn't seem real that that is happening inside of my body- my broken, infertile, problem-filled body.  Can it really be?  I pray so.