Not as often as before, but every once in awhile, something will hit me in regards to one or both of our babies we lost to miscarriage. It almost always takes me by complete surprise when I'm not expecting it. Today it happened while I was perusing Facebook (while Facebook can be a great tool for keeping in touch, I often feel like Satan uses it when I'm vulnerable to remind me of how sinful I am and/or what an imperfect world we live in).
I saw a good friend had posted about her daugher's 4th birthday celebrations, and I was taken back to Fall 2009. This friend had just announced her pregnancy a few weeks before I was planning to. Even though we no longer lived in the same town, I was excited that we would be pregnant with our first babies at the same time. I was waiting until my 1st ultrasound appointment and/or 1st trimester ended to make our big announcement, but we never got there. Our 1st ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing a few weeks prior.
October 23, 2009. A day and an event that will forever be etched in my mind. That loss led me into a downward spiral of depression and anger at God that lasted far too many months that I care to admit.
But God redeems those days and events. It was October 24, 2011 that we had our 12 week u/s and OB appointment with Baby R. A time of the year that had such a negative connotation in my mind was then filled with such joy over the miracle of a life still growing in my womb. We are so extremely grateful for her in our life and treasure her for the gift that she is.
It was also after that 1st loss that we decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International. We chose a girl whose birthday was June 2nd, in honor of the due date of that child. For the past 3 years we've had the joy of writing and receiving letters from a dear girl in Ethiopia. We just got word a few weeks ago that she completed the vocational training program (she is 20), which makes us extremely happy for her. But it also meant we had to say goodbye to her as our sponsor child. We just wrote our final "goodbye" letter last week. My heart is still grieving a little from losing that connection with her. God brings beauty from our ashes. I'm thankful Aster was a part of our life and prayers for those years.
But it doesn't mean that I don't think about and miss those first two babies whose lives ended before we ever got to meet them this side of heaven. June 2nd, 2010 would have been our due date with our first baby and late May 2011 was our due date for our 2nd baby. Sadly, I don't remember my 2nd due date anymore because that pregnancy ended much too quickly to have dates etched in my mind. The 1st pregnancy is the loss that was so much harder and traumatic for me, and consequently, probably the one that I will always remember in more detail. The 2nd pregnancy actually produced hope as I dealt with it in a much calmer, faith-focused way.
But still, being reminded today that our daughter (DH and I both thought Baby #1 was a girl) would have been turning 4 in a week was a sad reminder of what we have lost. I wasn't expecting tears to come while I cruised through Facebook posts, and yet, that's what happened. Tears of sadness for us and our losses, but also all those who lose babies much too early. Tears over the pain of our journey, and yet, recognizing that we have come up, out of that pain through much growth into joy...joy over the delight of a little girl who turned 2 a few weeks ago. Tears over how those losses have shaped us to be who we are today as her parents, acknowledging that without the losses, we would not be the same people we are today. And it brings tears to my eyes just to think about the day where we will get to meet both of those precious little lives in heaven. I cannot even imagine what that will be like.
Mommy is thinking about you today and missing you both, sweet little ones, and looking forward to our great reunion in heaven some day!
I saw a good friend had posted about her daugher's 4th birthday celebrations, and I was taken back to Fall 2009. This friend had just announced her pregnancy a few weeks before I was planning to. Even though we no longer lived in the same town, I was excited that we would be pregnant with our first babies at the same time. I was waiting until my 1st ultrasound appointment and/or 1st trimester ended to make our big announcement, but we never got there. Our 1st ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing a few weeks prior.
October 23, 2009. A day and an event that will forever be etched in my mind. That loss led me into a downward spiral of depression and anger at God that lasted far too many months that I care to admit.
But God redeems those days and events. It was October 24, 2011 that we had our 12 week u/s and OB appointment with Baby R. A time of the year that had such a negative connotation in my mind was then filled with such joy over the miracle of a life still growing in my womb. We are so extremely grateful for her in our life and treasure her for the gift that she is.
It was also after that 1st loss that we decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International. We chose a girl whose birthday was June 2nd, in honor of the due date of that child. For the past 3 years we've had the joy of writing and receiving letters from a dear girl in Ethiopia. We just got word a few weeks ago that she completed the vocational training program (she is 20), which makes us extremely happy for her. But it also meant we had to say goodbye to her as our sponsor child. We just wrote our final "goodbye" letter last week. My heart is still grieving a little from losing that connection with her. God brings beauty from our ashes. I'm thankful Aster was a part of our life and prayers for those years.
But it doesn't mean that I don't think about and miss those first two babies whose lives ended before we ever got to meet them this side of heaven. June 2nd, 2010 would have been our due date with our first baby and late May 2011 was our due date for our 2nd baby. Sadly, I don't remember my 2nd due date anymore because that pregnancy ended much too quickly to have dates etched in my mind. The 1st pregnancy is the loss that was so much harder and traumatic for me, and consequently, probably the one that I will always remember in more detail. The 2nd pregnancy actually produced hope as I dealt with it in a much calmer, faith-focused way.
But still, being reminded today that our daughter (DH and I both thought Baby #1 was a girl) would have been turning 4 in a week was a sad reminder of what we have lost. I wasn't expecting tears to come while I cruised through Facebook posts, and yet, that's what happened. Tears of sadness for us and our losses, but also all those who lose babies much too early. Tears over the pain of our journey, and yet, recognizing that we have come up, out of that pain through much growth into joy...joy over the delight of a little girl who turned 2 a few weeks ago. Tears over how those losses have shaped us to be who we are today as her parents, acknowledging that without the losses, we would not be the same people we are today. And it brings tears to my eyes just to think about the day where we will get to meet both of those precious little lives in heaven. I cannot even imagine what that will be like.
Mommy is thinking about you today and missing you both, sweet little ones, and looking forward to our great reunion in heaven some day!
What a beautiful post! I am so sorry for your losses and for your tears, but I can certainly relate. I keep a little box for each of my daughters, and me and my husband each write them each a birthday card on their due date every year. It might sound a bit morbid, but it is our way of making sure we never forget (though right now it seems like that would be impossible). Like you, I am overjoyed at the thought of meeting them in heaven someday. God bless you and your family!!
ReplyDeleteF.acebook can definitely be used in a way to make us discontent with our circumstances. In this case, I'm sorry that you're hurting and that you are not getting to plan your daughter's fourth birthday, but this is a beautiful post remembering two beautiful lives, and I am thankful that you shared!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is heavy for you. It is situations like this where I am thrilled we have Heaven to look forward to, so you may meet your little ones you miss. I stay off of Facebook almost entirely. It rarely uplifts me and life is too short to feel judgmental or defensive!
ReplyDeletePraying for you. It is very hard.. my first little guy would have been turning 1 in a week. It's hard not to forget when their are milestones all around that you are missing. My little guys cousin was born 2 weeks before he should have been. So I have all the milestones staring me in the face.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine! Through DM and I can so relate to the anger part...
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you that you did not get to meet your sweet babies this side of heaven. Milestones like the one you saw on Facebook have to be so hard. (((HUGS))) and prayers!
ReplyDeleteYour little ones are so loved by you. It's beautiful to see. I'm sorry that you never got to meet them on this side of heaven. My heart breaks just thinking about how painful that experience was for the two of you. Hugs and prayers for you!
ReplyDelete