Reflecting on What Might Have Been

Any journalers out there? I've gone through spurts where I've journaled daily and then there have been spans of months or years where I haven't written down reflections.  Lately, I'm on a journaling kick again and have been going strong for the past 3 years or more.  I think I really picked up daily journaling again when we started trying to conceive and I was diagnosed with PCOS.  Keeping a daily journal helps me to process what I'm thinking and feeling as well as lets me record how I see God working.  And I love having the written record to look back on and see how God answered prayers or remind myself of how God was working in my life when I don't feel that He is currently working.

For whatever reason, I went back to read through some of my journal yesterday.  Perhaps it's because I'm feeling hopeful again that God has good things coming and I'm seeing His hand in my life.  I'm feeling positive about the changes I'm making regarding my diet now that I'm aware of all of the food intolerances that have been wreaking havoc in my body.  I was really last filled with that same hope in September, and so I started there and read through those months from last fall.

September was also the time we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child, and while that pregnancy ended so quickly, it brought me hope.  I re-read those hope-filled words I had written and was reminded of why and how God had filled me with hope.  I was also reminded of another fact that I had completely forgotten- I had calculated our due date with that baby.  I didn't think I had because the date wasn't etched in my mind as it was with the first baby and miscarriage.

Our due date was May 22nd- today.

And so I write in honor and memory of our little one that is now dancing in the presence of Jesus.  I still can't believe I forgot our due date.  I had remembered it was in May because I was so relieved that it was a different month, a new month, as our due date with our first loss was June 2nd of the previous year.  I remember being so excited about the timing because it meant my husband could still go on our mission trip to Russia in July and I could stay home with our baby.

And here I sit today- thinking about how vastly different our life might have been had that pregnancy stuck.  We'd be holding a newborn or preparing for labor right now to meet our Sweet Pea.  I also can't help but think about the fact we would have had an almost 1-year old now if the first pregnancy with Squirt had stuck.

And yet our life is so different from what might have been.  We're both preparing for a mission trip to Russia in July- no doubt a trip of a lifetime that we get to experience together, and yet, a part of me is sad for the two lives that ended much too quickly.  I'm still hopeful God will bring life to my womb again and life that will result in us meeting our next child face to face on earth.  Jesus, I trust in You.