Fear, Worry, and Anxiety- Oh My!: ***Updated x 2

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  I know for some of you it doesn't come without a twinge of jealousy or envy, and it's those comments and prayers that are especially meaningful because I know they come with some sacrifice.  It's so nice to know this amazing community is lifting me up in prayer because the only other people I've told are 2 dear friends.  It's nice to have a place (here) to post my thoughts as I journey through whatever is going to happen.

I have tried so hard to enjoy each day as being pregnant and only think about that day, but I'll be honest, this 3rd time around has been such a struggle.  Please don't take this as complaining because I know many of you would give anything to trade shoes with me at the moment.  I'm just trying to be real and share where I'm at.  The 1st pregnancy I was so filled with joy and the 2nd one I had so much trust. This time around, I have so much anxiety, fear, and worry.  I hate that infertility and miscarriage have taken my joy away.  And I hate that Satan uses fear, worry, and anxiety to make me think of the worst possible outcome.  Numerous times these past 3 days I've found myself telling Satan to get behind me and get away from me.  I just feel him wanting to devour me.  I wish I had stronger faith and could say- "OK, Lord.  I fully trust you with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is."  But the fact of the matter is, I can't say that or I don't want to say it because I know what outcome I want.  It's almost as if I don't want to fully surrender to the Lord's will because I want to stay in control, even though I realize I can't control much (except taking progesterone) in this situation.

Going to the bathroom has been another time of anxiety as I hope I don't see any pink or red.  I've started repeating to myself- Jesus, I trust You before I go to the bathroom or anytime I find myself doubting or my mind wandering to negative thoughts.  Jesus, I trust You or Jesus, I want to trust You is really more like it because I don't think I fully trust at the moment.

I still haven't heard from my Napro dr. today even though I put an urgent request in.  Thankfully, I was able to talk the local nurse practitioner up here into doing a UA, HCG Quant., and progesterone draw.  My HCG was 1,076 this afternoon!  Woo hoo.  That seems really high and good.  Progesterone was only 16. It was 16 at my P+6 draw this month, so it seems like it hasn't risen.  Although, I don't know how much labs vary since the progesterone draws were done at different times of the day and by different labs.  I take it to mean my defunct body has not increased its progesterone body since becoming pregnant.  I so wish I could trade in my body for a new one! I think DH is giving me a PIO shot tonight regardless of if I hear back from my Napro dr.

I still don't know how far along I am.  Technically, I'm only P+17 today, but think I must be a little further along than that based on my numbers and what my chart shows (RAP and 2 inch mucus 21 days ago).  I also had to schedule my first OB appointment (October 7th), since I live in such a baby-making factory place and the OB I want to see here fills up quickly.  Thankfully, she had a spot for me and my spontaneous tears when I explained my miscarriage past got the appointment moved up to 9 1/2 weeks instead of the 10-12 weeks they usually like to make you wait until.

It was at this same 1st OB appointment in October 2009 when I found out our 1st baby had stopped growing.  This next month leading up to that same type of appointment is going to be terrible for me.  I think if I can get through that appointment and see a healthy baby and heartbeat, I will be so much better because we've never made it that far.  Perhaps, I should start a 30 days of prayer focus Sept. 7-Oct. 7.  I need to do something to get through these next 4 grueling weeks for me.

So- that's where I'm at for today.  I'm still pregnant for another day.  I've started up my pregnancy journal again (for the 3rd time) and have written down thoughts, hopes, and fears about this pregnancy.  I'm hoping this is the last time I have to start up writing in it.  DH has lovingly decided we should call our baby "biscuit."  It's not my favorite (we had squirt and sweet pea before), but I'm letting him go with it.  It's probably my way of guarding my heart and trying not to get too attached yet, but he's enjoying praying for our "biscuit in a basket."

I've been thinking of John 9 lately and longing to be like the blind man Jesus healed. Everyone wanted to know who sinned to make him blind, and Jesus replied, "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3)  I am so hoping that is the case with this pregnancy- that it will continue for another 8 months and that I might be able to proclaim God's hand of faithfulness in my life through the hard struggles of the past 3 years and use is as an opportunity to proclaim God's goodness and mercy through trials as I talk about how this is our 3rd child and we have 2 others in heaven and how I've waited on God's timing without taking measures into my own hands or those of ART. Please Lord, let me tell of your goodness through this healthy pregnancy!

***Update 1: got an email and voicemail from my Napro dr. tonight.  He said to start 100 mg PIO injections 2x a week and we'll retest my progesterone levels Sept. 19th at my next appointment.  But I'm wondering if this is enough progesterone??  When I look at the zone chart, 16 would be in zone 2 and the directions are to do 200 mg 2x a week if progesterone is less than 20.  What do you think?  He says progesterone doesn't rise much 4-6 weeks post conception, but you want it to stay steady.  I emailed to clarify, but I'm wondering if I should do 200 mg injections and/or add 600 mg suppositories?  I'm such a bad patient.  I don't always listen to my dr!

***Update 2: I had a thought in the shower this morning.  I bet the progesterone number the secretary read me was actually from last month on my P+6 draw.  She read me the UA and HCG results and then the progesterone.  I didn't even think to ask what the date was on that lab, but I'm almost positive it was from last month because they've always had to send progesterone down to the big city and it usually takes a day to get results not 3 hours.  I'm going to check this afternoon, but I'm hopeful I'll have another progesterone number from yesterday (hopefully, I pray, a higher one!).