It happened just as I knew it eventually would. I got the phone call last night. The one from my last childless friend telling me she was almost 13 weeks pregnant. I wanted to be completely happy for her, but the reality was, I was not. I'm extremely jealous that she's already through the first trimester and well on her way to growing her family. I had to fight back tears for the majority of the conversation because I was so overwhelmed with saddness.
I listened to her talk about how she heard the heartbeat for the first time on her birthday, and how it was the best birthday present she could ever ask for. I listened to how she broke the news to her boss at work. I listened to her plans to take 12 weeks off and then return to work full-time, placing her child in day care all day. I listened to her talk about the miracle of her conception and how God had finally answered her prayer. She was so glad He had finally listened because she was starting to feel abandoned by God.
All the while I'm wondering if I can make it throught the conversation without uncontrollable weaping. This friend has known my struggles, and yet last night it was clear that she doesn't fully understand where I'm at. I'm not blaming her for telling me all her stories of pregnancy joy. I know she's truly excited to be pregnant at 33 with their first. It just made me realize how lonely the infertility walk is and how one does not understand it unless they've walked the infertility road themselves.
After I hung up the phone, the tears fell. I am now the only one left out of all my close friends that does not have a child. Most of my good friends from college have 1, 2, or 3 kids by now. My husband's college friends, who are 36 and 37, all have children in grade school. I feel so alone.
I don't understand it, God. I feel like I did everything right and in a God-pleasing way. I spent time serving the Lord in full-time ministry to youth and overseas. I waited to get married until God has matured me more. I didn't have sex until our wedding night. We waited to start trying to have children until we could support them and until we had a solid marriage foundation for parenting. I even planned to give up my job to stay home full-time and raise our children to know and serve the Lord. I feel like everything we've done is in a God-pleasing way, and yet we remain without a child on earth. It just doesn't seem fair with all of the unhealthy marriages and parenting styles around us in the world. Why are we- who love and serve the Lord- denied the joy of raising a family right now? I don't get it, God! And perhaps that's just it- I'm not supposed to understand God's ways or think I can plan out my life.
And so I wonder, will I ever be able to be truly happy for those around me that continue to get pregnant and have children? Am I spiritually immature for being envious and jealous of their situation? Will my heart ever be content if I'm never able to have a child? So many questions and so few answers right now.
I just found your blog, read through your history, and read this post. I'm so so sorry for your losses and that you're carrying the cross of IF. Your pain is so valid and undeserved.
ReplyDeleteRemember that God only wants GOOD things for you! He is sad with you. Keep the faith and persevere! And I'll keep you in prayer as well :)
Also, I'm just wondering why your NaPro doc didn't put you on PIO shots right away with your first pregnancy? I thought that was the protocol across the board, but maybe not. I think that would be hugely beneficial to you next time you conceive. Staying hopeful for you :)
Hi Second Chances! Thanks for your comment, your encouragement, and prayers. They are greatly apprciated.
ReplyDeleteGood question regarding the PIO. With the 1st pregnancy, my progesterone was in Zone 4 on my own at 4 weeks 2 days. I guess he thought I'd be ok. I started 600 mg suppositories when it went down to zone 3 or 2 a week later. I did eventually start the shots, but it was too late. With the 2nd pregnancy, I started the shots right away, but that one was not meant to be either. For the next pregnancy, I will start the shots right away and hope for a better outcome.
Thanks also for your hope. I need to not lose hope.
I feel so blessed to have found your blog. Your blogs are really inspiring and have really touched me. I struggled with infertility for almost 3 years before getting pregnant with my daughter, and I remember the pain of hearing all of my friends were pregnant after trying for a month or not trying at all. Infertility is painful, but the verse at the top of your page is the verse I always turned to when I was sad. I learned to be thankful for my infertility because I feel it made me a stronger person - and a better Christian. After reading many of your posts, I have decided to participate in the 24 scripture memorization challenge that you have talked about a few times. I am thinking of you and will be following your journey and I will pray for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amanda, for your kind words. I'm glad you've decided to embark on the Scripture memorization challenge. It's been so amazing already to meditate on the Bible- not the other negative thoughts my mind can wander towards.
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