Thanksgiving and Advent

What an emotional week it has been.  I have so many thoughts running through my head, I should have posted sooner to get them out.  I'm coming to the conclusion that holidays in general are hard.  It started last week at church.  I was listening to a sermon about thanksgiving and "giving thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5) when I flashed back to 2 years ago.  It was Thanksgiving Eve and I was again sitting in church.  This time the sermon was about giving thanks even when it hurts or when it is painful (I can't remember exactly).  I was sitting in the pew fighting back tears.  At that time, it had only been 3 weeks since our first miscarriage and I was not in the spirit to give thanks to God.  I was mad and angry at God.  I had planned to announce our pregnancy to our families around Thanksgiving time, since that's when I would have been 12 or 13 weeks along.  I thought about how it was the perfect holiday to give thanks for our miracle, etc.  And as I sat in church on the eve of that Thanksgiving, I was filled with so many different, painful emotions than what I had originally expected.

Thanksgiving 2 years ago was such a sad, painful time.  Our centerpiece on the table was a sympathy gift someone had sent us after the miscarriage.  And while we still had my students over for the meal, the tone was definitely somber.

So after I thought about Thanksgiving 2 years ago, I then thought back to Thanksgiving last year.  We had experienced our 2nd miscarriage 2 months prior.  Three days before Thanksgiving, I had just sat through my grandfather's funeral and realized that again dreams were snatched from me.  His death reminded me that he would never have the opportunity to meet our child (ren) and once again I was angry at God for letting yet another pregnancy end too early.

So as I started preparing for Thanksgiving this year, my emotions were so mixed.  The sadness of the two prior years was still so vivid.  It really surprised me.  And yet, I was so thankful for once on the holiday designed around thanks- so incredibly thankful for the little life inside of me.  I was excited to share the holiday with some of my students and excited to finally be happy on a holiday.

DH and I had fun preparing all of the classic Thanksgiving foods to share with them for the 1st time.  It really was a fun day and I enjoyed eating way too much food!  Here's DH, 4 of my students, and then a daughter of one of the students.

The holiday passed with much thanksgiving and DH and I ventured out on Black Friday to do most of our Christmas shopping (we didn't leave until 8am and avoided most of the crowds!).  I still kept reflecting on the vast differences between the last 3 Thanksgivings, however.  I'm not sure why, but it still just amazed me at how different they have been.

And then the emotions hit me this weekend.

Sadness...A conversation with my dad reminded me of the rocky relationship he and my mother have (He told her Thanksgiving Eve he was tired of being married to her).  More stories by dad reminded me of the extreme hoarding mother does, the shopping addiction she has, and how these habits haven't changed in the past 20 years (and probably never will change). 

Anger...My SIL had her baby on Tuesday by elective c-section after her water broke Monday night.  Her rationale was why go through labor pain and all the time of labor when you can have your baby fast and easy.  And then she's not even trying to breast.feed because that's too much work. Oh the irony.  I want to deliver naturally and breast.feed for as long as I can, but given all the problems my body has had thus far, I probably won't be able to do either.  Some things about IF never leave.

Guilt....I started feeling guilty that I was happy on Thanksgiving.  As if my happiness was in some way dishonoring our first two babies.  How much sense does that make?  I don't think I've fully allowed myself to experience my emotions yet with this pregnancy.  It's as if I'm just going through the motions, waiting to see what bad thing might happen with this pregnancy.  That is so not fair to this child.  I feel guilty that I'm not overjoyed with happiness all the time.

Fear...my progesterone was down again last week (from high Zone 2 to high Zone 1) and I'm actually starting to feel "good."  Instead of rejoicing, I worry that this means something is wrong.  I wish I had a doppler to check the heartbeat.  I am so ready to start feeling this baby move because I need reassurance things continue to go well.

Loss... DH and I were talking about a lot of these things since that's how I often process.  He shared a story with me that he occasionally has been "talking" to our Willow Tree "Remember" angel that we bought after our first pregnancy loss as a way to honor/remember that baby.  He's been telling the little girl (we both thought our 1st pregnancy was a girl) not to worry, that even though we're pregnant again, we'll never forget her.  And it just made my heart melt and tears flow.  Sometimes I hate that our present pregnancy is affected by our past losses, and yet, those losses have shaped and defined who we are today.

Tears...so when I received this Willow Tree figurine in the mail this weekend, I almost couldn't open it.  With the fresh thoughts of our "Remember" angel on my mind, I almost didn't want to display the new figurine with the mom, dad, and pregnant belly.  Again, why do I have those guilty feelings?  The tears seem to have been flowing freely this weekend.  I am such a bundle of emotions.

And yet there is hope.  Donna sent me the most amazing gift this weekend...a bracelet that connects the past pregnancies to the present and future.  I'll have to take a picture, upload it, and explain the symbolism.  It's one of those cool God moments where I feel like God is telling me He knows what I am going through.


And then today begins Advent.  It is my most favorite season in the Church Year.  I love the decorations at church, the hymns, the daily Advent devotions, etc.  And I love the focus on preparing our hearts.  I find it ironic, however, that it's my favorite season and involves waiting- which I'm terrible at.  This Advent season I'm going to try and focus on my Prayer Buddy and not all of my emotions from above along with God and His amazing work coming down at Christmas.  Hopefully, I will be in a better place in 4 weeks time.