And Then There Were 4

4 pregnancies.  4 in our family.  However you count it, 4 is our number right now.

Yes folks, PPIW is pregnant again at almost 36 years of age.  I can hardly believe it.  I've been quiet on the blog about it and quiet to just about everyone in real life.  With the exception of my 3 close friends, our photographer, and dentist, we've pretty much kept this to ourselves...oh, and all the women that were doing the Matthew study, but that's a story for another day.  I've actually just completed 1st trimester, so it seems this is really happening.  I'm 13 weeks now, and just starting to tell people.  In fact, we just sent photos and announcements to our families Wednesday after my appointments.  They haven't even received them yet, so they aren't even aware.

When we had R's 2 year photos done last month, we had a few extra photos taken that could be used for announcements if we made it past 1st trimester.  Our photographer was great about keeping our secret, so when we sent copies of the 2 year photos to our families, we also sent along these extras.

In case they didn't figure it our from the above 4 pairs of feet (like my grandma), we sent this "Big sister" one.

And because I'm uploading pictures like I never do anymore, here are a few more.  Cannot hardly believe this sweet girl is 2.  Just blows me away.  Some days I still have a hard time believing I'm a mother to a living child because there were so many years I waited, dreamed, and prayed and wasn't sure it would ever happen.

Love this one.  "Blow the dandelion, Mommy."

I'm not exactly sure why I've been quiet for so long.  It's certainly so out of my character.  With all the other pregnancies, I was posting about it as soon as I got the BFP on the pregnancy test.  And then I was updating with every twist and turn along the way.  This time around has been different, but as usual, it's been a roller coaster ride with me.

We were shocked to discover we were pregnant.  I was only on my 5th or 6th cycle post-postpartum, and my cycles had been long (45-50 days).  I was on zero progesterone support and zero meds. unlike last time.  I was still breastfe.eding quite a bit, but I was starting to get a feel for the patterns of my cycle.  I had no plan whatsoever as far as who to contact if I got pregnant, which OB to get in with, etc.  The only doctor I had seen in the area was the crappy "Napro" doctor I vowed never to go back to.  I have Napro in quotes because while this doctor was originally trained in Napro, he/she no longer does anything that remotely resembles the Napro we know and have experienced.

Out of desperation, I went back to him/her those beginning days of pregnancy.  It was stressful, but I had no choice.  As a new OB patient, even with a miscarriage and IF history, no one would see me until at least 8 weeks.  Then throw in a trip to TX in there that will probably go down as the worst visit ever, and I like my in-laws...I do, but talk about high stress.  They didn't even have a place for us to stay when they picked us up from the airport, great planners that they are.  Then there's the month where I had no progesterone monitoring because PPVI took so long to get me set up as a long-distance patient.  And so on and so forth. I'll type up a detailed timeline for my own benefit with all the details, but that's some of the skinny.

All of these things set off my fear about another miscarriage. It didn't help that most of my pregnancy symptoms went away around 10 1/2 weeks.  I honestly thought the pregnancy was over and I fully expected to see that on the ultrasound Weds.  Thankfully, that was not the case and things seem to be progressing normally. I'm on PIO injections 200mg twice a week, but that is all.  I've had 3 ultrasounds now, and they all seem fine with the latest exception of a low-lying placenta that I'm hoping will move the heck off the bottom of my uterus/cervix area as the uterus grows.  The genetic testing all came back normal and we even found out the sex of the baby already!  Amazing if it really is true.  We never did any of this with R because it was elective.  It still is, but since I'm 35, actually almost 36 now, my insurance would cover the blood test, so I said, why not. There's gotta be some perks to being "AMA" (Advanced Maternal Age).   It's a fetal DNA test where they are able to separate my DNA from the fetus's and then analyze it for some of the trisomy problems as well as determine sex...with get this...99% accuracy!  We're not telling anyone about it now, but will definitely confirm the sex at 20 weeks and then let people know.

Throughout the whole past 2 months, I've really struggled with guilt.  Guilt over being pregnant again while so many other amazing ladies still battle primary infertility.  Guilt over not being more outwardly excited and sharing with people from the beginning.  Guilt over not really struggling with secondary infertility while I know some of you are.  Guilt over why I remained so quiet and didn't share from the start what God had done.  It's been such a weird mix of emotions that I guess I've sort of just holed up in my shell and not said or done much.

But it's not been a pleasant or comfortable place to be, so I'm ready for the change.  I'm ready for people to know of our pregnancy and ready to talk about God's hand in all of it.  Most people here still don't have much of an idea of our past- my health issues, IF, miscarriages, etc.  It's just not something you bring up in every day conversation.  I can't rejoice in the present without sharing at least a little bit about our past and journey to get here.  We didn't resort to artificial means.  We remained faithful to each other and to God...committing to prayer with whatever the result was.  We waited and prayed and waited and prayed for years.  We endured heartache and loss.  That is all part of our story, and I'm ready to get story-telling again!