Dear sweet, first child of mine,
It's so hard to believe you would have been turning 5 this year! 5! I could have had a 5 year old. It's hard for me to believe, and yet, a 5 year old would fit so perfectly in our family with a 3 year old and a 5 month old. And then that gets me thinking about your sibling that we never got to meet either and how we could have been a family of 5, 4, 3, and 5 months. Wow. It's still hard for me to believe I'm a mother of 4. 4 precious lives begun in my IF, broken womb. I wish I could hug you and squeeze you today and wish you happy birthday. How fun it would be to think about and plan for you to begin Kindergarten this year. I often wonder if I will recognize you in heaven, sweet child. Will I know you are mine? If so, how will I know?
So many unknowns and yet, I'm not a mother of 4 to those peering in on my life from the outside. For when others look at me, they only see 2. Yes, 2 precious, amazing, blessings, but they are #3 and #4 in the conception order. I still haven't figured out how to answer the questions when people ask, "Are these your only kids?" "Is she your first?" I want to say, "No, I have 2 other babies in heaven that I'm waiting to meet." or "No, she's actually my 3rd as I lost 2 before her to miscarriage." But then I don't want to sound morbid or make the person asking the question feel bad. So sometimes I just say, "yes" to the questions. But then I feel all guilty inside for not acknowledging the other two children whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks. So sometimes I do tell the whole story depending on how well I know the person. And I share it because it is a part of our story....my story that God has written and continues to write.
I feel like there are just some things you always remember, and for me, that was my very first due date of a baby I never got to hold in my arms- June 2nd. That due date marked so much hope after years of misdiagnoses, then diagnoses (PCOS, low progesterone), and IF. Hope and memories that I still recall if I think back to that time over 5 years ago. That first ever BFP. Those first progesterone draws and progesterone injections. Those first dreams and hopes as a family of three. Those plans of how to tell our families. And so on. I don't think I can ever forgot those moments, and I don't think I'm suppose to. Memories etched in my mind. Memories and experiences that help me be a more compassionate person to others going through loss and IF. Compassion that would not exist had I not known what it was like.
It's still so hard for me to fathom that she/he would have been turning 5 today. And while I don't understand all the whys and pains of living in our fallen world, I do know that losing 2 babies in the womb makes me hug my 2 kiddos extra tight every day and appreciate each day I have with them this side of heaven. I am a different (better, more patient, appreciative) parent because of my first 2 children conceived, and for that I am so grateful.
It's so hard to believe you would have been turning 5 this year! 5! I could have had a 5 year old. It's hard for me to believe, and yet, a 5 year old would fit so perfectly in our family with a 3 year old and a 5 month old. And then that gets me thinking about your sibling that we never got to meet either and how we could have been a family of 5, 4, 3, and 5 months. Wow. It's still hard for me to believe I'm a mother of 4. 4 precious lives begun in my IF, broken womb. I wish I could hug you and squeeze you today and wish you happy birthday. How fun it would be to think about and plan for you to begin Kindergarten this year. I often wonder if I will recognize you in heaven, sweet child. Will I know you are mine? If so, how will I know?
So many unknowns and yet, I'm not a mother of 4 to those peering in on my life from the outside. For when others look at me, they only see 2. Yes, 2 precious, amazing, blessings, but they are #3 and #4 in the conception order. I still haven't figured out how to answer the questions when people ask, "Are these your only kids?" "Is she your first?" I want to say, "No, I have 2 other babies in heaven that I'm waiting to meet." or "No, she's actually my 3rd as I lost 2 before her to miscarriage." But then I don't want to sound morbid or make the person asking the question feel bad. So sometimes I just say, "yes" to the questions. But then I feel all guilty inside for not acknowledging the other two children whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks. So sometimes I do tell the whole story depending on how well I know the person. And I share it because it is a part of our story....my story that God has written and continues to write.
I feel like there are just some things you always remember, and for me, that was my very first due date of a baby I never got to hold in my arms- June 2nd. That due date marked so much hope after years of misdiagnoses, then diagnoses (PCOS, low progesterone), and IF. Hope and memories that I still recall if I think back to that time over 5 years ago. That first ever BFP. Those first progesterone draws and progesterone injections. Those first dreams and hopes as a family of three. Those plans of how to tell our families. And so on. I don't think I can ever forgot those moments, and I don't think I'm suppose to. Memories etched in my mind. Memories and experiences that help me be a more compassionate person to others going through loss and IF. Compassion that would not exist had I not known what it was like.
It's still so hard for me to fathom that she/he would have been turning 5 today. And while I don't understand all the whys and pains of living in our fallen world, I do know that losing 2 babies in the womb makes me hug my 2 kiddos extra tight every day and appreciate each day I have with them this side of heaven. I am a different (better, more patient, appreciative) parent because of my first 2 children conceived, and for that I am so grateful.
You are in my prayers. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteSolidarity! Oh, my...my oldest would have turned 6 in April. Such a beautiful post C, you expressed so much of what I think about as I go through life with 2, knowing there are 4 more in Heaven. Thank you for this. Prayers for you and your beautiful family!
ReplyDeletePrayers... what a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful stuff. Our first (Simon Peter) would have been six on June 18th. He and his three siblings are such good motivation to suffer well, to get to heaven. This Mama aches to be with them for all eternity some day. Thanks for writing.
ReplyDeletePraying for you ~ thank you for sharing your memories. Such a beautiful tribute to your first little one! <3
ReplyDelete