In a Funk

It's been a week since I last posted, and I've really been in a funk.  I kept thinking I'd snap out of it and wanted to wait to post until I did.  Well, it hasn't happened.  Perhaps I'm supposed to post- funk and all.  I don't really know what set off the funk this time, but I'm not in a happy place and feeling like I'm not getting to a happier place either.

I love Palm Sunday.  I love the palms and the hymns and the images of people laying down their cloaks for Jesus to ride on.  And as I was sitting in church yesterday, I was thinking how I'm just ready for Easter to be over.  That is so not like me. I love Holy Week and all the services and times of reflection and here I am wishing the time away.

I think the feelings may be due to a few factors- one is the weather.  It's still so cold and rainy here that it's depressing.  The forecast for the week still shows snow flurries possible for the next 3 out of 4 days and lows overnight around freezing!  This winter-like weather is getting ridiculous.

I think another factor may be because I have just 9 days left of teaching this semester and then final exams.  The spring semester is almost over and it still feels like winter and Easter still isn't here.  I'm so focused on finishing up my classes and planning everything out that I feel like I've lost sight of Easter.

I also feel disappointed in myself that I didn't complete all of the things for Lent that I wanted to.  I've done 2 of them, but I really thought I would be able to do all 4 of them.  I have been reading through the Gospel of John with my lightness and darkness daily devotion and will finish that, but I had also wanted to read a book that I felt really speaking to me.  I didn't even pick up the book in Lent!  I did pray for my prayer buddy daily with prayer cards I made (will tell you more about that when I reveal), but I failed miserably at giving up complaining for Lent.  I went 2 for 4 with my Lent observances.

And the final contributing factor, the major one I think, is the wackiness of my cycle.  I'm currently on CD 4 and have had 4 days of B bleeding!  Seriously.  My period is lighter than it should be (I just took a HPT today- it was negative.), and it tells me something is so off with my hormones.  The last time I had a cycle even remotely like this was January 2009- when I first started charting.  I feel like 2 years of Napro and my body has regressed.  It's so disheartening.  I don't know if the T3 I recently started is causing all of this or what.  I've only been on it 2 months.  I feel like I've explored so many things with my Napro doctor and the only thing, thus far, that will send my body into a healthy cycle and a semi-normal looking chart is Clomid.  I'm really wondering how many undetected issues still remain in my body.

At my last appointment, my doctor suggested I go to Denver for a lap. and ovarian wedge resection.  There's a Napro surgeon there that completed a fellowship in Omaha recently.  I don't know if that's the direction God is leading me, or if I should try Clomid again (we got pregnant twice on it).  I live a full days drive from Denver, and while my work schedule is somewhat flexible for time off in August and December this year, my dh's is not as flexible and he would want to come along to take care of me.  I just don't really know what direction to head with my health and don't feel like I'm getting clear signs from God.  I'm just so tired of health/fertility issues.

And so my prayer is actually my latest memory verse challenge (paraphrased from Job 8:21)- that God will yet fill my mouth with laughter and my lips with shouts of joy.