So I've been thinking a lot since yesterday (see previous post) about why I've been the one dragging my feet with the home buying process. Part of it is my personality...I'm picky and frugal. Not a good combo when looking to buy much of anything. But another part is I'm still transitioning. I was reading a letter I got from one of the college students from our old church, and I just started crying. It was like it finally dawned on me...I miss our former home and haven't completely let go and said goodbye. I mean, I said goodbye in the physical sense of leaving, but I don't think I've fully said my emotional and mental goodbyes. I know that may sound weird, but it's almost like part of me just thinks we can go back to our home, church, work, and community. Like this is a fun little trip to the South and we're learning new things about an area of the US we've never been, but then I sort of think we'll just be able to go back to life as familiar and comfortable and nice as it was in the West.
I still think about our house and all the memories it holds, some of my favorite rooms in the house, the safety I felt there, the nursery I loved so much for R, my friends from church that I miss, the familiarity of our community, the health-conscious/earth-friendly aspect of the area, and even my co-workers that I miss bumping into in the office.
Here I was thinking I was doing so good with so much change in the last 6 months, and today I've realized I still have more grieving left to do. I haven't fully closed the chapter on our previous location. I don't want to buy a new house because it means tangibly starting a new life in such a visible way. It means meeting new neighbors, making new friends at church, finding new places in the community that we enjoy, adjusting to a new "work" environment at home, etc. And all of that is hard. It requires opening up my heart, taking risks with relationships, and loving people. And I'm scared that I'll really grow to love things here and forget about everyone and everything in the West. I know that really won't happen, but I definitely have a lot of fear I had not realized before. And I'm afraid that one day we'll be called to move from this place (very likely given my DH's job) and this whole chapter closing/opening will start again.
I see so many similarities with my IF journey as well as trying again after miscarriage. I can remember month after month of wanting to give up and not hoping that things might be different the next month. I didn't want to try because I didn't want to be disappointed again. And then I really recall not wanting to open my heart up again to a possible miscarriage after the 1st one. It was so hard and painful, I wanted to throw in the TTC towel because I didn't want to go through that again. Well, we did go through a 2nd miscarriage, but God held us in His peace and comfort. And we kept moving forward. I had to allow myself to get past those fears in order to continue TTCing. I wanted to hope and move forward, yet was held back by memories, fears, etc.
Am I glad I continued to hope? Most definitely! The end result was well worth it. The wait and journey were hard, but looking back doesn't seem like it was that hard since I know the ending. Well, I know the ending for this pregnancy. I have no doubt we'll be dealing with secondary IF when we TTC again. I'm not thinking about that right now though.
There are so many ways in which I feel the lessons I learned (or should have learned) of trust, faith, patience, and perseverance through TTC echo throughout other areas of life....thinking about the desire and longing and years before I met my husband is just one example. I know moving, adjusting to a new area, and buying a home do not in any way compare to the difficulty of IF, but I share this as I process through and see the connections in my life.
What lies ahead in the house buying/adjust to a new community process? I don't really know, but I do know I've got some more grieving to do in order to move forward with a new sense of peace and trust. Thanks for letting me share.
I still think about our house and all the memories it holds, some of my favorite rooms in the house, the safety I felt there, the nursery I loved so much for R, my friends from church that I miss, the familiarity of our community, the health-conscious/earth-friendly aspect of the area, and even my co-workers that I miss bumping into in the office.
Here I was thinking I was doing so good with so much change in the last 6 months, and today I've realized I still have more grieving left to do. I haven't fully closed the chapter on our previous location. I don't want to buy a new house because it means tangibly starting a new life in such a visible way. It means meeting new neighbors, making new friends at church, finding new places in the community that we enjoy, adjusting to a new "work" environment at home, etc. And all of that is hard. It requires opening up my heart, taking risks with relationships, and loving people. And I'm scared that I'll really grow to love things here and forget about everyone and everything in the West. I know that really won't happen, but I definitely have a lot of fear I had not realized before. And I'm afraid that one day we'll be called to move from this place (very likely given my DH's job) and this whole chapter closing/opening will start again.
I see so many similarities with my IF journey as well as trying again after miscarriage. I can remember month after month of wanting to give up and not hoping that things might be different the next month. I didn't want to try because I didn't want to be disappointed again. And then I really recall not wanting to open my heart up again to a possible miscarriage after the 1st one. It was so hard and painful, I wanted to throw in the TTC towel because I didn't want to go through that again. Well, we did go through a 2nd miscarriage, but God held us in His peace and comfort. And we kept moving forward. I had to allow myself to get past those fears in order to continue TTCing. I wanted to hope and move forward, yet was held back by memories, fears, etc.
Am I glad I continued to hope? Most definitely! The end result was well worth it. The wait and journey were hard, but looking back doesn't seem like it was that hard since I know the ending. Well, I know the ending for this pregnancy. I have no doubt we'll be dealing with secondary IF when we TTC again. I'm not thinking about that right now though.
There are so many ways in which I feel the lessons I learned (or should have learned) of trust, faith, patience, and perseverance through TTC echo throughout other areas of life....thinking about the desire and longing and years before I met my husband is just one example. I know moving, adjusting to a new area, and buying a home do not in any way compare to the difficulty of IF, but I share this as I process through and see the connections in my life.
What lies ahead in the house buying/adjust to a new community process? I don't really know, but I do know I've got some more grieving to do in order to move forward with a new sense of peace and trust. Thanks for letting me share.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, stay in scripture and journal a lot. I encourage you to find 2-4 things you can do as a family that you can have fun and get away from the stress of ministry, moving and more. Go to a zoo, go roller skating, try a new restaurant etc. We had one friend who did the A, B, C's of dating. It took a year, but they had a blast. Maybe you can find things in your new area to spend time doing that starts with the letters of the alphabet? It wont be the same but it can help you as you grieve. It will give you something to look forward to. While this might not be your favorite season in life, it does not have to be the worst. I say this with respect. Getting out and having fun is what helps DH and I handle stress of ministry and the very deep pain of IF. The pain and stress is still there, but it is not the focus anymore...
Hang in there.
Praying!
Great, great ideas. I am such a journaler...but often don't take or find the time to really journal when things are crazy. My soul longs to be in Scripture. I need it. Thanks for the reminder to stay rooted!
DeleteAnd I love the idea of new things in the area to the A, B, C's. Definitely fun and creative and I like it.
Oh wow, I'm behind I didn't even see you put an offer in. I will keep praying for you!! I am the world's slowest griever so I understand, it takes time and with everything going on you haven't had enough yet. You will though. I am sure you'll find your new sense of community.
ReplyDeleteNah, you're not behind. My life is just full speed ahead lately.
DeleteThis makes sense to me. Grieve all you need to. I had a hard time putting an offer down 1) because I tend to research and seek perfection too and 2) because buying a home meant I wasn't going to live near my sister out West (funny how we have a South/West thing going on too). It was so "final"... I am going to live in my hometown and not venture out any time soon and not live near my sister.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any help, those in my life who have moved say the first year is the hardest and that it's normal to just feel sad and need to grieve. But there is good reason to hope that long-term, you'll make good memories in your new home. :)
We sound so similar! Would love to meet you in real life some time.
DeleteYes....I've heard others say that about the 1st year as well, but sometimes I just want to fast forward ahead, even though I know the adjustment period is part of the process and necessary.