Ever feel like you've been punched in the gut and had the wind knocked out of you over a pregnancy announcement? Well, that was me on Friday. I've been processing the news this whole weekend. I was so ticked off at God I could hardly read my devotions the past two days and I had no desire to journal and reflect on the news until today It's good I didn't post about this on Friday because my words would not have been pretty. My heart is in a much calmer place now, so I can write about my thoughts on it.
On Friday, the hub's sister sent him a text saying she was pregnant again. The news literally sucked the life and joy right out of me. I could not believe God would bless them with the miracle of pregnancy again. This is the 25-year old sister who already has a 3-year old from her deadbeat boyfriend that she's been living with for 4 years now and he has a 7-year old from a previous relationship. They don't want any more kids and weren't even trying to get pregnant. This is also the sister who has no valuable possessions because they've all been repossessed, they can't pay their bills, and are on welfare because the boyfriend can't keep a job or doesn't want to (we're not sure which it is). Oh, and this is also the sister who drinks and smokes marijuana, she has at least one DUI that we are aware of, and drank and smoked through her first pregnancy. The boyfriend is physicaly abusive, has hit her while she was pregnant, burned her things, and was the cause (we think) of her going into labor and delivering at 26 weeks. This is the sister who would drop off breast milk in the NICU when she had been drinking and the nurses could smell alcohol on her. Have I mentioned we called CPS based on things she would share with the hubs?
We do think she has turned her life around some since having her daughter, but she definitely still has issues in her relationship and has still not had her daughter baptized because the boyfriend doesn't want it.
Did I mention God blessed her/them with a pregnancy again?
I was furious with God when I heard the news. I felt like He had just slapped me in the face. Now I know He doesn't do that, but that's just what my feeling was. Hurt, shock, and anger that here we sit childless while we have the means financially, spiritually, and emotionally to raise a child up in a loving home and to know Christ, while someone who can't even support the family she has gets to increase her family?!? It makes no sense to me. I just don't get it and I'm hurt and offended by God. My husband says that's exactly what grace is- receiving something we don't deserve. I know he's right, but I don't like it.
And then I've been struggling this weekend with my reaction to the news. It probably doesn't help that I'm PMSing either. But still, it's a new life, a new miracle from God. I should be excited that she's choosing life for this child, right? Instead, I see all of my sinfulness coming out in my thoughts of greed and envy. How can I say that I'm a Christian when I have so much sin inside of me and I'm so judgmental of others? I need grace from God just as much as the unwed, pregnant mother does.
So where do I go from here? I'm still angry at God, yet I feel like I'm acting like a little kid who didn't get his or her way and is throwing a temper-tantrum. Is that really who I am? Why does IF turn me into a monster sometimes? Anyone else been here, or is it just me?
***updated: our devotional reading last night focused on Psalm 34:18- The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. It's hard not to miss the obvious readings God keeps giving to us/me in our devotional book each night. It's like He's reminding me that He knows where I'm at, yet challenging me to continue to grow. Perhaps I just don't like the challenge to grow at the moment and am wrestling with Him over that and the fact that I still have lots of room to grow to become more like Christ.
I know the feeling well. I have been where you were last night and its not pretty, but at the same time its so very human.
ReplyDeleteA very close person to our family got a girl pregnant while still being married to another(they were in the divorce process, but still married). This couple had dated in the past and had reunited after many years and it was on a one night stand that they got pregnant.
This has been by far the hardest pregnancy to understand. I still see this beautiful baby often and it continues to be hard.
Yet God heals and has plans for us that we do not understand.
i went to confession and a priest told me something that really helped me: This feeling us human and real. you have to live it, but not let it define you. You are not a person that does not value life, but one that does and is happy when life is given. Live the feeling but do not let it define you
Mary/Martha- wow- this is good. I just wrote down part of the quote you shared....live the feeling, but don't let it define you. This is something I will remind myself of. I think sometimes I try to let it define me- the martyr syndrome or the woe is me talk in my head. It's ok to live it- how can we not deal with our feelings, but don't let it define who I am. Thanks so much!
ReplyDeleteYES I have been there, and will likely be there again. It takes me weeks to process something like a pregnancy announcement that is far from fair and I'm impressed that you can write about it...3 days later. Wow! Your husband is right, this is no different that the grace we've all been given by God, totally undeserving of it all. I didn't realize how much I was thinking I 'deserved' pregnancy until other pregnancy announcements came and punched me in the gut. And YES again, having the wind knocked out of you is really the only way to describe it! Its such a strong physical reaction that its very hard to ignore.
ReplyDeleteI like Martha's advice...
Hi! I stumbled across your blog by accident, but I feel like God led me here for a reason. I have been where you are too. It sucks, and it honestly is one of the hardest things to go through. My husband and I prayed 5 years for our son--who, by the way, we were told "would never happen" by our doctor. In the midst of our waiting, my 18 y/o meth-head cousin got pregnant twice. (Sorry, that sounds really insensitive, but at the time, it was true.) However, as angry as I was at God for blessing her with 2 beautiful, healthy children, my heart was also breaking for me. And, I believe God understood that. He was also right there beside of me during my most hurtful moments. I didn't understand it, but in hindsight I can finally thank him for the heartache. I know he used it to draw me closer to Him. And, I also know that every single tear, every single hurt, every moment of misunderstanding--it was all worth it when I finally held my son. I prayed over Phil 4:11 for a very long time. When I was angry with God, when I felt forsaken by Him, when I wondered if he was listening...He quietly reminded me to be content for His ways are bigger, better than my ways. And, they were.
ReplyDeleteI will be follow your journey so I can help pray for you. I fully believe that it was the people who prayed for me that helped sustain me when I couldn't have managed otherwise.
Holy moly. I would have screamed and cried too!!! It makes me angry thinking about it. But you know what, that is what is so great about our God. We can get angry with him, yet he never gets angry with us. I completely understand the feeling of being kicked in the stomach. It really just brings you so down. I'm praying for you friend. Praying that you are brought up again too.
ReplyDeleteHugs
I have felt that way too. Many times I've told God I was talking to him. Many times I've felt like the biggest LOSER on this earth. That feeling is like being stabbed in the heart.
ReplyDeleteMakes me wanna scream.
I meant to say many times I told God I was NOT talking to Him, but of course I had to talk to Him to tell him I wasn't.
ReplyDelete