Quick Takes (14)

--- 1 ---

It's Friday...woo hoo!  I have just one more week of teaching left and then final exam week.  Christmas vacation is nearing, and I can't wait.  I've got 3 weeks off and it's going to be glorious.

--- 2 ---

Remember when I wrote this post?  My emotions were so sad about starting another school year without a child and reflecting back on the number of years that felt the same way and being so ready to transition from working woman to mom. Little did I know what was coming around the corner after I wrote that post.  I'm 99% certain that I'm going to begin cutting back my teaching load for the spring.  I've talked with my boss about it already and just need to give her the final word and she'll find someone else to teach some of the courses I'm scheduled for.  It makes me excited, nervous, and even a little sad.  That has been my main job for nearly 8 years.

--- 3 ---

Two weeks from today we have our big ultrasound appointment.  I'm excited and nervous.  DH and I still haven't totally decided if we're going to find out the gender, but I do have a fun little plan I may be concocting.

--- 4 ---

I think I felt the baby move on Monday and Tuesday!!  I was down in the dumps when I last posted, but felt a little better after getting all of my thoughts and emotions out.  I still was anxious about what was happening with the baby.  I know it's a little early (although Moonhead tells me she's been feeling her baby since weeks 15-16!), but I really think I did feel slight movement.  At least, that's what I'm going to think.  I'll take it as a sign from God that things continue to be ok because He knows I need those little signs to keep me going.

--- 5 ---

I went to the dentist this morning for my 6-month check-up and how beautiful it was to be able to tell them I was pregnant and wasn't comfortable getting x-rays.  I can remember so many appointments wishing and hoping that the next appointment would be the one I could say I was pregnant at.  I think I finally gave that wish up after 2 or 3 years of that.  Oh, ladies, how I wish the same will come true for you real soon!!

--- 6 ---

DH and I put our tree up this past week along with all of our Advent/Christmas decorations.  I just love this season!  We have so much fun arranging all of the different nativities I/we have collected over the years from different countries.  My favorite part, however, is unpacking all of our ornaments for the tree.  Whenever we travel to a new place (within the US or to another country), we pick up a Christmas ornament for our tree.  We also give each other an ornament every year and have other ornaments to commemorate events (one from the year our Godchild was born, another in remembrance of our babies, etc.).  Here's our finished tree (and DH being a goofball).

The only thing I wish we were doing was a Jesse Tree.  I've seen so many neat blogs with ideas for ornaments and devotions to go along with the Jesse Tree idea.  Maybe I'll print the materials and make the ornaments, so everything is ready to go next year.  It's never too early to start new family traditions, right?

--- 7 ---

I've recently been awarded 2 different blog awards.  I need to blog about them and pass the award along to others.  I think I have 5 different posts that I've started writing and haven't finished yet.  Here's to more time for completion!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Thanksgiving and Advent

What an emotional week it has been.  I have so many thoughts running through my head, I should have posted sooner to get them out.  I'm coming to the conclusion that holidays in general are hard.  It started last week at church.  I was listening to a sermon about thanksgiving and "giving thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5) when I flashed back to 2 years ago.  It was Thanksgiving Eve and I was again sitting in church.  This time the sermon was about giving thanks even when it hurts or when it is painful (I can't remember exactly).  I was sitting in the pew fighting back tears.  At that time, it had only been 3 weeks since our first miscarriage and I was not in the spirit to give thanks to God.  I was mad and angry at God.  I had planned to announce our pregnancy to our families around Thanksgiving time, since that's when I would have been 12 or 13 weeks along.  I thought about how it was the perfect holiday to give thanks for our miracle, etc.  And as I sat in church on the eve of that Thanksgiving, I was filled with so many different, painful emotions than what I had originally expected.

Thanksgiving 2 years ago was such a sad, painful time.  Our centerpiece on the table was a sympathy gift someone had sent us after the miscarriage.  And while we still had my students over for the meal, the tone was definitely somber.

So after I thought about Thanksgiving 2 years ago, I then thought back to Thanksgiving last year.  We had experienced our 2nd miscarriage 2 months prior.  Three days before Thanksgiving, I had just sat through my grandfather's funeral and realized that again dreams were snatched from me.  His death reminded me that he would never have the opportunity to meet our child (ren) and once again I was angry at God for letting yet another pregnancy end too early.

So as I started preparing for Thanksgiving this year, my emotions were so mixed.  The sadness of the two prior years was still so vivid.  It really surprised me.  And yet, I was so thankful for once on the holiday designed around thanks- so incredibly thankful for the little life inside of me.  I was excited to share the holiday with some of my students and excited to finally be happy on a holiday.

DH and I had fun preparing all of the classic Thanksgiving foods to share with them for the 1st time.  It really was a fun day and I enjoyed eating way too much food!  Here's DH, 4 of my students, and then a daughter of one of the students.

The holiday passed with much thanksgiving and DH and I ventured out on Black Friday to do most of our Christmas shopping (we didn't leave until 8am and avoided most of the crowds!).  I still kept reflecting on the vast differences between the last 3 Thanksgivings, however.  I'm not sure why, but it still just amazed me at how different they have been.

And then the emotions hit me this weekend.

Sadness...A conversation with my dad reminded me of the rocky relationship he and my mother have (He told her Thanksgiving Eve he was tired of being married to her).  More stories by dad reminded me of the extreme hoarding mother does, the shopping addiction she has, and how these habits haven't changed in the past 20 years (and probably never will change). 

Anger...My SIL had her baby on Tuesday by elective c-section after her water broke Monday night.  Her rationale was why go through labor pain and all the time of labor when you can have your baby fast and easy.  And then she's not even trying to breast.feed because that's too much work. Oh the irony.  I want to deliver naturally and breast.feed for as long as I can, but given all the problems my body has had thus far, I probably won't be able to do either.  Some things about IF never leave.

Guilt....I started feeling guilty that I was happy on Thanksgiving.  As if my happiness was in some way dishonoring our first two babies.  How much sense does that make?  I don't think I've fully allowed myself to experience my emotions yet with this pregnancy.  It's as if I'm just going through the motions, waiting to see what bad thing might happen with this pregnancy.  That is so not fair to this child.  I feel guilty that I'm not overjoyed with happiness all the time.

Fear...my progesterone was down again last week (from high Zone 2 to high Zone 1) and I'm actually starting to feel "good."  Instead of rejoicing, I worry that this means something is wrong.  I wish I had a doppler to check the heartbeat.  I am so ready to start feeling this baby move because I need reassurance things continue to go well.

Loss... DH and I were talking about a lot of these things since that's how I often process.  He shared a story with me that he occasionally has been "talking" to our Willow Tree "Remember" angel that we bought after our first pregnancy loss as a way to honor/remember that baby.  He's been telling the little girl (we both thought our 1st pregnancy was a girl) not to worry, that even though we're pregnant again, we'll never forget her.  And it just made my heart melt and tears flow.  Sometimes I hate that our present pregnancy is affected by our past losses, and yet, those losses have shaped and defined who we are today.

Tears...so when I received this Willow Tree figurine in the mail this weekend, I almost couldn't open it.  With the fresh thoughts of our "Remember" angel on my mind, I almost didn't want to display the new figurine with the mom, dad, and pregnant belly.  Again, why do I have those guilty feelings?  The tears seem to have been flowing freely this weekend.  I am such a bundle of emotions.

And yet there is hope.  Donna sent me the most amazing gift this weekend...a bracelet that connects the past pregnancies to the present and future.  I'll have to take a picture, upload it, and explain the symbolism.  It's one of those cool God moments where I feel like God is telling me He knows what I am going through.


And then today begins Advent.  It is my most favorite season in the Church Year.  I love the decorations at church, the hymns, the daily Advent devotions, etc.  And I love the focus on preparing our hearts.  I find it ironic, however, that it's my favorite season and involves waiting- which I'm terrible at.  This Advent season I'm going to try and focus on my Prayer Buddy and not all of my emotions from above along with God and His amazing work coming down at Christmas.  Hopefully, I will be in a better place in 4 weeks time.

Quick Takes for Saturday

Well, I didn't quite get around to posting my Quick Takes on time yesterday, so here I am a day late.

1. We got 8 inches of snow yesterday!  It was our first big snowfall of the season and now it looks like a winter wonderland outside.  I do admit the sights are beautiful, but I'm so scared of slipping and falling on the ice this winter.  I walk up a humungous hill to work (gaining 300+ feet) and it can be absolutely treacherous walking down the stairs or rampway after work.  I did buy these trekker things that slip on the bottom of my shoes, so we will see if they help.

2. I did my first ever Neti-pot a few nights ago. DH swears by this, and I've just always thought it was weird.  But winter germs and pregnancy have given me major nasal congestion, and I'm trying to stay away from OTC meds as much as possible, so I finally relented.  I got my own Netipot and gave it a whirl.  It actually wasn't too bad after I got over the initial weird sensations, and I do think it definitely helped clear me out.  Guess I have a new BFF for this winter!

3. I had another OB appointment yesterday and it was the first time we didn't do an ultrasound, which was sad.  I was hoping to see our little Biscuit since I'm still struggling with not feeling pregnant and not feeling as if the pregnancy is real (weird...I know).  We did hear the heartbeat at 150 bpm, so that was good.  I sure miss my Napro Dr. though and the 45 minutes I get with him.  10 minutes with an OB just doesn't cut it for me.  All she did was check the heartbeat and feel my uterus below my belly-button.  I asked a few questions and then I was done.  No urine sample, no blood work, etc.  It is so strange.  Next appointment in 4 weeks is the big u/s reveal if we decide to find out the sex!

4. We attended a fundraiser dinner and auction for our church last night.  We bid on a few items, but the one I really wanted went for too high a price.  It was a scenic flight for 3 people over our beautiful valley with one of the husbands of a church member as the pilot.  How cool would that be to fly over our beautiful mountains?  I've flown over them before in a commercial flight on my way back from MN, but it's not the same because I was so much higher up.  This flight would be closer to the mountains and would make for some great pictures.  We were outbid by a guy who came over afterwards and asked DH and I if we would like to join him on his flight!!  I was ecstatic.  I couldn't believe it.  We get to go with him for free?!? Hopefully, we will get the chance to join him before the baby comes and while I'm still feeling well.  The bidder wants to go in the spring, so we will see where I am at.  At least DH could go with.

5. My mother is already starting to be a pain.  DH and I knew the next battle we would have to fight with her would be when we got pregnant, but I guess I just wasn't expecting it so soon.  I have had no contact with my mom this whole past month since we sent pregnancy announcement cards home.  Zero, zip, zilch contact.  She recently sent a card to my MIL (DH's mom) saying they needed to coordinate baby gifts for us and my mom was planning on buying x, y, and z for us and she thought MIL should buy a, b, and c.  The nerve, huh?  My MIL doesn't realize how mentally unhealthy my mom is, so she didn't know what to do or say.  Once DH told me this story, I immediately called home to talk with mom.  She wasn't home, of course, but I talked to dad and told him what was going on.  Why does my mother think she needs to be the one to coordinate our gifts?  I told dad that mom needed to coordinate with us- the parents- and perhaps we already had some of the items she was thinking of buying.  This is a control issue for mom as well as a way for her to show-off how much money she makes and how she can afford so much more than others.  (DH's family isn't at the same income-level as my parents.)  She just makes my blood boil- ugh!

6.  I think I am finally ready to start writing in our baby book.  I haven't started because I haven't wanted to experience the pain of let down again.  Now that we are at 15 1/2 weeks, we have successfully made it out of the 1st trimester.  I think I am finally ready to start writing letters and thoughts to our baby in his/her baby book.  I have been keeping a pregnancy journal somewhat during this time with my thoughts and fears and dialogues with God, but I've only written in it about once a week or so.  I think it's time to let my emotions go deeper, but it still scares me.

7. I also think it's time to make the pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  We've told quite a number of people now (close family and friends, church friends, my co-workers, etc.) that some have started writing on our wall about the news.  I've caught all of them quickly and deleted the baby references, but I think we need to make an announcement, so I don't have to worry about checking my wall posts to delete them.  I've been thinking and praying of how to do this.  I still feel the pain when someone makes a pregnancy announcement and want to be sensitive to those waiting.  Most casual FB friends don't know about our IF struggle or previous miscarriages.  I also want to acknowledge God's amazing work in this pregnancy and our lives as well.

I've been thinking of something like, "Thanks be to God that He has finally seen us through the 1st trimester with a pregnancy.  Join us in rejoicing and praying that this is the baby we get to meet early May 2012.  We are trusting in His perfect timing."

What do you think?  Changes I should make?  Things to delete or add?  Too much of a downer with the 2nd sentence?  I'm probably over-analyzing it, but I want those few sentences to encompass so many different emotions and experiences.

Winter Views

One of the few things I love about winter are the views here.  Here's my view walking to my office every day.  Many a days I slow down or stop to pause and take in the beauty of the mountains.  I never tire of looking at them.

And the next favorite view I have are the winter sunsets.  The sun sets more directly behind the mountains in the winter than it does in the summer, which makes for much more spectacular sunsets.  I was washing dishes tonight when I looked out the window to see this beauty of a sight: 

And as the minutes passed, the colors in the sky changed.  It was so beautiful.  I wish we had a clearer, unobstructed view from our backyard, but I am thankful that we can see the mountains (they are the same ones as the first photo).

Every once in awhile, if it looks like it's going to be a good sunset, DH and I will go for a quick drive to a clearing and watch the colors dance over the mountains.  Pictures can never capture the beauty, but I always try to with my camera.  What a God we have of such amazing creativity!

Quick Takes (13)

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Veterans' Day today and I'm thinking of my favorite WWII veteran- my grandfather.  He was a member of the 101st Airborne and was a paratrooper.  Some of the stories he told were unbelievable.  He got dropped behind enemy lines one time and was only 1 of 3 to make it back to safety.  Thankfully, last year while I was visiting, I was able to record him sharing some of his stories.  He didn't know I was recording him speaking, otherwise he never would have talked.  He was that humble of a man.  Next week marks one year since he's been gone.  I still miss him a ton, especially as I think of all the things I won't be able to share with him (the news of our pregnancy, meeting our child, etc.).

--- 2 ---

Last week at the birth seminar, my husband won a gift certificate to a local baby store.  Tonight we used it towards the purchase of a body pillow!  I'm hoping the body pillow helps relieve some of the back pain and sleep struggles I'm already having.  It was our first "baby" purchase for ourselves.

--- 3 ---

As if the above purchase wasn't enough, we went to a warehouse sale today with a ton of JJ Cole products.  They have some fabulous baby items like Bundleme carseat covers and amazing diaper bags that include changing pads, pacifier pods, and insulated bottle holders.  I remember seeing this sale last fall, but I've never been before and considering we'll have a little one (God-willing)before the sale comes around again, DH and I decided to check it out.  They had fabulous deals (50-80% off), so we stocked up on a few baby items as well as got SIL's Christmas present (a carseat cover she never got from her registry).  So now I have more than one baby item in the house.  I can't believe it.

--- 4 ---

Pregnancy hair.  I've heard about it, but until this week, I wasn't sure what it was.  I think I know what it is now.  My hair is different.  Usually in the winter it becomes so dry and brittle that I have to use a ton of moisturizing products.  It's usually full of static and dull and flat by the end of the day.  Not this week.  My hair is shiny and full of body.  It must be the pregnancy because our dry winter air has definitely hit.  I guess this is good news that the pregnancy is continuing to go well?

--- 5 ---

I had another progesterone check on Monday morning.  Usually by Tuesday morning I'm calling the lab to check the results myself because I'm so antsy to get them before they are sent to my Napro Dr.  This week, for whatever reason, I decided I was not going to call the lab until Friday.  I don't know where the extra measure of patience came from because it certainly wasn't characteristic of me.  Amazingly, I did well waiting all week long.  I wondered what my results were, but I didn't spaze out not knowing them.  This afternoon rolled around and I still hadn't heard, but just when I thought about calling, my Napro Dr. called with the results.  Are you ready for this?  My progesterone went from 14.7 two weeks ago to 34.5 this week!  Woo hoo!  Maybe this is why I've been so dang tired again this week- high progesterone.  I'm now high Zone 2, so I'm cutting back to 100mg twice a week.  I'm also taking this as another sign that Biscuit continues to grow healthy and strong.  I can't say thank you enough, dear Jesus.

--- 6 ---

I'm already thinking about Thanksgiving.  It's been a tradition of ours to invite my current international students over for a traditional American Thanksgiving meal.  We are usually never able to travel during the holiday because of his job, and neither of our families come to see us since we're the only ones that live far away.  As a result, having students over for their first Thanksgiving has become our special tradition.  Last year, we were out of town for my grandfather's funeral and uncle's wedding, so we actually celebrated Thanksgiving with my family.  This year, DH and I are reinstating our student tradition.  I'm excited because I have such a great group of students this term.  I'm not sure how many will come because some will be traveling, but whoever comes will be in for a special feast!

--- 7 ---

I have a few more posts in the queue waiting to be finished off.  It seems I always have more things to post about then time to compose my thoughts and post them.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do some this weekend!  Stay tuned and have a fabulous weekend.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Quick Takes (12)

I'm so glad it's Friday!  Here's my quick takes for this week:

1. We are awaiting our 1st snowfall this weekend.  We'll see if it really happens as it was forecasted to snow earlier in the week and didn't (no complaints here).  Rain or snow tomorrow?  We'll see.

2. We finally took the plunge and told our families about this pregnancy.  We put cards and packages in the mail to them from the baby.  I scanned our last ultrasound picture and DH wrote the cutest note from the perspective of the baby (Dear ....I'm Baby X. Here's my first picture...I can't wait to meet you..).  He did add in a line about "please pray for me and my mommy as she still needs shots to keep me alive and growing." Our families were thrilled to receive the cards in the mail and it's been a full week of phone calls and chatting about our news.  That has really gotten me excited again.  My family was floored as they had no clue.  I figured that would be the case since I just saw them 3 weeks ago. My dad said he was truly left speechless when he got the card.  That's the fun part!

3. I also broke down and told my boss this week.  I needed to tell her because she's been bugging me about scheduling classes for 2012 and I've been avoiding that discussion for weeks.  She was surprised, but I think she honestly thought I was going to say I was moving when I said I could teach classes next summer.  I'm waiting another few weeks (after our next appt.) to tell the rest of my co-workers.

4. I cancelled a digital photography class I was looking forward to taking at the technical college.  I was so happy I got one of the 10 spots in the class and really wanted to hone my camera skills with my new camera.  When it came time for class to start this week, I just didn't feel like my heart was in it any more and the thought of 2 hour classes plus photography homework during the week seemed like a little too much for me.  It makes me sad, but I hope I have another opportunity for a class because last time I used my camera (at a short track competition I still need to blog about), I realized I have a ton left to learn.

5. I can't believe it's November already!  While the stores may be covered in Christmas decor galore, I love November for its focus on being thankful/gratitude.  I see some people are posting what they are grateful for each day, and I love this idea, but didn't start it on the 1st.  I'm still trying to think of things each day that I'm thankful for.

6. I had my first pre-natal massage yesterday!  My lower back, shoulders, and neck have been killing me the past couple of weeks (my stress points), and I finally decided I needed to get some help.  I saw an hour massage advertised for $35, so I decided to check it out.  It was fabulous!  That coupled with a visit to the chiropractor this morning has me feeling great.  I hope it can last the next month because I decided once a month was a big enough splurge for each of those.  Good thing I have a side tutoring job coming up where I can earn a few extra bucks!

7. I am going to a birthing seminar tomorrow.  I can hardly believe it.  I'm going to learn about how to create a birth plan and how midwives and doulas in my area could help out with delivery.  This is not something IF me ever thought I'd be going to, much less so early on in this pregnancy, but it's a one time seminar that's never been offered before and I look forward to learning some information from local resources.  Still, I can hardly believe it.  I know I keep saying that, but it's so true. 

Have a great weekend!  Head over to Jen's to see more Quick Takes.

With All the Saints

All Saints' Day...

Today I woke up to an unexpected surprise.  My pregnancy symptoms were gone!  Like almost, nearly, completely gone.  No nausea.  No fatigue.  No sensitive or sore chest.  No funky food cravings or aversions.  I had sort of started feeling like this last night, but the change was quiet clear in the morning.  I actually had noticeable energy.

Some people had told me this would come with the end of 1st trimester and it often came on suddenly.

So do I rejoice that I'm leaving the 1st trimester behind?  Or do I thank God that my body seems to be right on schedule and doing the right thing?  By now you know me well enough to know the answer is no.  I freak out!  Oh no.  The pregnancy is over.  This must be another missed miscarriage.  My symptoms just nearly disappeared.

I've been on extra heightened alert ever since last Tuesday when I found out the poor progesterone results, so this change only added to it this morning.  Then on top of it, it was time for another shot this morning, so I thought my progesterone must be way low again if I didn't have any symptoms.  I was an instant wreck.

I decide to wait it out.  Surely some symptoms will come later on because I have felt better in the morning and worse in the evening with this pregnancy.  I get to work and wait.. 10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...2:00.  Nothing.  In fact, I don't even have a huge appetite at lunch and there were days last week that I was starving.  With each hour that passes, I feel my anxiety growing greater.  I try deep breathing.  I try positive self-talk.  I try to relax.  Nothing works.  I count my heart rate at 100-120 bpm.

So what do I do when anxiety seems to be getting the best of me?  I know I can't possibly go on like this for another 2 1/2 weeks until my next appointment, and I know it's not healthy for me or the baby, so I call my OB's office and beg and plead for them to let me come in and get a heartbeat check.  They assure me everything sounds normal, but I continue to gently push.  I'll meet with a nurse...anyone.  I just need some reassurance things are ok.  They agreed and told me to come in in an hour! 

I call DH and hope he has some free time to run to the clinic with me and we go.  I don't meet with a nurse, but with my doctor!  That was a surprise.  She was really understanding and said with her first pregnancy all of her symptoms disappeared overnight as well, but that can also be a sign of a miscarriage, so it is good to check it out.  It took her less than 2 seconds to find the heartbeat....156 bpm.  What a beautiful sound!  Everything seems to continue to be going well despite my anxiety, doubts, and fears.  I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, so I do believe the risk for loss has gone way down at this point (perhaps just 1-2%?).  I have a baby inside of me.  I really do.  It still seems so hard to believe.

And now I can breathe easier until our next appointment.  DH thinks I'm crazy, yet he understands.  I just know myself and knew I needed to get in soon if I wanted to make it another 2 1/2 weeks.  That progesterone draw last week sure messed with my head.

I was reflecting on all of this tonight and thinking about how it was All Saints' Day today.  I got a beautiful picture in my mind of our other 2 children looking down from heaven on me and their youngest sibling and telling their brother/sister to stay awhile longer here on Earth.  And then I started thinking about someday (hopefully a long time from now) when those 3 children will be reunited together in heaven.

And then I thought of my grandfather who passed on from this life last November and how he'll be one of the faithful saints we remember by name at church on Sunday.  And then I thought of how he'll never get to meet this child on Earth, and that makes me so sad. And then I decided to stop thinking about those things and say thanks to God for the reassurance I once again have and to ask forgiveness for my disbelief.

And thank YOU to the many of you who have been faithfully praying.  You are the saints this side of heaven!