Quick Takes (17)

--- 1 ---

Is anyone else bummed that Advent Prayer Buddies are already over tomorrow?  4 weeks seems to just fly by compared with 6 weeks that we've done during Lent and the summer.  I'm thinking we should go from Advent-Epiphany next year...what do you think?  That would give us another 2ish weeks.  I don't want to stop praying for my Prayer Buddy, and I do so good being disciplined for a certain time frame.  Of course, I'll continue praying after Prayer Buddies officially ends, but sometimes I need that extra motivation to stay daily committed.

--- 2 ---

Tomorrow marks my 1-year blog-o-versary.  I can't believe it's only been a year of blogging.  It seems like some of the relationships are much deeper than that, but I suppose when we pour our hearts out online, it doesn't take long to get to know another.  It all started here.  I distinctly remember the low point I was at when I started the blog and how desperate I was for some support from like-minded individuals.  What a blessing it's been to be a part of the blogging community for a year.  God has spoken to me and through me in so many ways.  I can't imagine not being a blogger now!

--- 3 ---

This marks post #99.  I'm almost to 100 posts in a year.  That's not too bad...an average of a post every 3-4 days.  I feel a giveaway coming soon!

--- 4 ---

It looks like it's hardly going to be a white Christmas here, which is a little unusual.  We had just a dusting of snow this week, but that's all.

--- 5 ---

I'm so excited for Christmas surprises.  Surprise #1 is going to be Skyping with my family Sunday after church.  They all get together at my aunt and uncle's house, and since my DH and I aren't there, my aunt is arranging a surprise video Skype.  My 89 year-old grandma is going to have a fit.  She's never used a computer before and isn't even aware you can talk and see someone at the same time.  In the same way, my 62 year-old father is going to be surprised as well.  Maybe this will finally motivate him to buy his own laptop and learn how to use a computer. 

--- 6 ---

Surprise #2 is just for my DH and I.  At our ultrasound appointment last Friday, we had the tech write down the gender of our baby, along with a CD full of pictures, and put it in a sealed envelope.  DH and I are going to open the envelope and finally watch the CD on Christmas Day!  I'm so excited!!!  But...we're still not telling anyone the gender until Baby arrives.  It'll be our little secret, but no one else IRL knows what we did with the envelope....so don't tell.

DH and I both really wanted to find out the gender, but we wanted it to be something special just between us.  I didn't want to lie to people for 20 weeks saying we didn't know the gender when we really did.  Then I thought of this idea with Christmas because everyone has been asking me what I want for Christmas, and my response all along has been, "a healthy baby."  That's truly all I want for Christmas.  This is a way to make the healthy baby part of our Christmas Day celebration, and I'm also hoping it means we don't have to lie to people since most everyone close to us has already asked if we found out the gender at the appointment.  If people do ask if we know the gender, my line will be, "we didn't find out at the ultrasound."  It's not a lie, so I can still sleep at night, yet DH and I still have something special between us and Baby.  And what a fun story it will be to tell our child some day.

--- 7 ---

Merry Christmas to all!  May the celebration of the birth of our Savior fill your hearts with peace, joy, and hope this weekend!  Especially to those of you waiting....you're on my heart and in my prayers.  I clearly remember how difficult Christmas can be to the waiting and IF heart.

 

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

What Learning to Knit Taught Me about Myself, Faith, and Fertility

Our internet service has been spotty or out all this week...grrr!  Do you know how frustrating that is when I've been at home wanting to get things done online?  So here I sit in my office, catching up on internet things:-)  I've been wanting to blog a bunch of things all week, but since I'm here and my pictures are at home, I thought it would be good to post from my drafts.  I'm still working to complete those posts that I once started.  I'm down to two left!  This one gets the award for being in draft status the longest....since March of this year!!

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you may remember I took a "beginning" knitting class last winter that was really more of an intermediate class.  I wrestled through that class with all sorts of frustrations, and yet through the experience, God spoke to my heart volumnes about the infertility journey I was wrestling through at the same time.  Therefore, I put together a list of things I learned as a result of the knitting class that also applied to my IF journey at the beginning of 2011.

(Written in March 2011)

What learning to knit taught me about myself and my faith and how those same lessons correlate to my fertility (or lack thereof):

1. Character building takes time.  I did not learn to knit overnight.  Neither did I learn to accept my IF, pregnancy loss, or PCOS related health problems overnight.  Time builds great things through the pain.
2. Things not going as planned can prove to be a great thing.  I had orginally signed up for a different knitting class that I really wanted to take for 8 weeks.  I went to register the day it opened, and the class was already full.  I was so frustrated and disappointed.  Little did I know that this new class would open up with smaller enrollment, less projects to make, and less weeks of class time.  It proved to be so much better than I had expected and I was glad for that temporary frustration of the 1st full class.  I sense this is the same with my IF.  I sense God is going to do some amazing things, even though none of this IF was planned or chosen by me.
3. It's scary to do something unknown.  Even though I wanted to learn to knit, I was so scared of going to that first class by myself.  I was afraid I wouldn't fit in with the other ladies of the dominant culture here, and I was worried they'd spend the whole class talking about their kids- a topic I couldn't relate to.  My IF journey is scary as well.  I don't know what the future holds, and if I think about it too long, I get really freaked out.
4. Through all the toil and pain, the outcome is better than expected. Having finished the class, I can say it was worth all of the roughness at the beginning.  To have a finished product that I knit by myself is such an amazing accomplishment that was worth all the pain.  I hope the same is true of my IF journey.  I hope I am able to look back on it some day and say...wow, look at how much God molded me and changed me through that difficult time, and look at what a better person and better mom I am as a result!
5. Things may not always go as planned along the way.  Unexpected and unwanted changes may occur along the way, but they are for the greater good.  This was true of my class, and I pray it's true of my IF as well.
6. I easily cry and scream over frustration.  This is not a realization I was proud to experience.  There were times when I'd be sitting at home working on my knitting homework, and I would do a wrong stitch and then be stuck.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it on my own and had to wait until my teacher was available for help.  I'd get so frustrated because I had a deadline to meet and had set aside time to do my knitting homework only to get stuck.  I would cry and scream and swear.  Where did it all come from?  Sadly, the same has been true for my IF as well. 
7. I often wanted to run and abandon the project.  There were so many times that I wanted to quit my project and not return to class again.  I just couldn't take it any more and wanted to be done.  Many times I feel the same way about IF.  When is enough enough?
8. Perseverance pays off along with keeping a cool head.  Slow and steady gets the prize.  I started as the lowest person in my class of 6.  With extra practice sessions with my teacher and lots of hours knitting at home, I ended up being one of two people to finish their scarf in the class time!  I went from worst to first (almost).  I felt so good about sticking with the project, wrestling through those hard moments, and coming out a basic knitter!  I can only hope the same is true for my perseverance with Napro treatments!

A close-up picture of the finished project.  The pattern consisted of knitting and purling all across the row, so I was constantly switching back and forth between the two stitches the whole time.

And the full product- a keyhole scarf.  And while I may not wear the scarf as much as I would like because I downgraded from the expensive yarn to the cheap, scratchy stuff just so I could try to learn, the scarf represents so much more than just a scarf.  It represents things I've learned about my character and lessons I've been able to able to my current struggle of wanting desperately to be a mom.

And while we're talking about projects...here's the apron I made in the sewing class I took immediately after the knitting one.

And the hobo bag that came after the apron.

 

Inside the bag.

(December 2011)  It's sort of fun to go back over and read those things that I wrote 10 months ago.  Of course, I now have the advantage of viewing them through the eyes of one who is 20 weeks pregnant, but I still feel strongly about those lessons I learned about patience, perseverance, and hard work.  It's amazing what God uses to speak to us.  I had no clue that He's use a knitting class to speak to me about my infertility!  But isn't that one of the amazing things about our God...He surprises us in many and often ways! 

Quick Takes (16)

 

--- 1 ---

I am officially done for the term!  I finished everything up yesterday, so I don't technically have to go into work for 3 weeks.  I will probably go in though and get my classwork ready for January.  Plus, I'm still going to be doing some tutoring next week for a former student of mine, but it's still a nice feeling to have everything taken care of.

--- 2 ---

As a teacher, it's so frustrating when students don't perform to the level I know they are capable of.  I had one girl with a C or C- in a Speaking course.  She wasn't doing the greatest, but she was on track to pass the class and move on to the next level.  She decided, for whatever reason, not to show up and give her final exam speech, and ended up with an F in the course.  That is so frustrating for me!

--- 3 ---

Back here I showed you some of the beautiful winter views we have.  Many remarked that I live in a painting.  Well, let me know what you think about this "painting."  It's the same view as the beautiful snow-capped mountain picture, except you can hardly make out any mountains in this picture.  Why is that?  It's not rain, snow, or fog...so what is it?

Inversion!  One of the downfalls of living in a mountain valley is that the dirty air (from cars, factories, and cows) gets stuck in the bowl shape, and because it's so cold, all the gunk sinks to the valley floor.  We need a big storm to come in and blow it all out before we have clean air and blue skies again.  So the reason you can't see the mountains is because of the dirty air...gross, huh?

So far no storms are in sight, so we're stuck with the gunk for awhile longer.  It looks like we're stuck with more "red" air days (as opposed to yellow or green air days).

--- 4 ---

I received the most thoughtful gift in the mail yesterday from a dear, sweet reader of my blog.  She doesn't have a blog herself, but we've developed this neat email friendship.  I have a post all on its own I'll do about her gift because it's another one of those cool God moments.  Thank you, D.!

--- 5 ---

Now that I'm done with classes, I can finally start working on our Christmas cards!  Yikes...I'm running out of time.  We usually send a letter each year enclosed in a card, so I have some work to do this weekend.  And we also have to get all our gifts wrapped and sent off for our families, since we're staying in town for Christmas.  Lots-o-work this weekend.

--- 6 ---

And finally...the news you've all been wondering about.  Our ultrasound went fabulously today!  Baby is perfectly healthy and everything that was checked out or measured look great.  Baby is measuring 19 weeks 5 days, so just a few days ahead of where I think I am.  I drank some orange juice before the appointment since I'd heard that helps to have Baby active, but it did no good for us.

Baby did not want his/her picture taken and this was the best facial shot we could get...look at those chubby cheeks!  I just noticed that Baby's eye is open in the picture...freaky looking!  Baby was sleeping for most of the appointment and the u/s tech would try to jiggle my belly around to get the baby to move positions, so he could measure different things.  Even all that jiggling (and he did it a lot) hardly got baby to budge.  We have a little stinker or a sleeper on our hands!

--- 7 ---

Thanks for your prayers these past several weeks throughout this pregnancy.  DH and I were talking on the drive home, and I still can't believe I'm pregnant.  I'm still waiting for the ball to drop and for something to go wrong.  I can't help it.  But amazingly, things continue to go just perfectly.  DH calls it a "textbook perfect pregnancy," which is so true and yet so strange to me.  IF me. PCOS-plagued me.  Pregnancy loss me.  Food sensitivity me.  And then something going right or normal with my body?  It doesn't seem to go together in my mind.  It all just seems like a dream to me, and I'm still having a hard time accepting this gift.  It's so full of grace and so undeserved.  I will never know why me or why now, so I've just been trying to say, "Thank you, Lord, for this gift."

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Honoring the Past and Looking Ahead

Go over and give this lady some bloggy love as she celebrates her one-year blog-o-versary.  And you just might win her giveaway! 

I was one of the lucky recipients of her birthday giveaway, and I wanted to share the cool God-moment that came as a result.  I was able to pick one of her hand-crafted items as my prize.  Originally, I choose something that I liked but didn't have time to email her my request right then, so I decided to do it later.  Later came, and for whatever reason, I had my DH look at all of the options and help me pick one.  He liked this other item that wasn't even on my radar.

I kept wondering why he liked the bracelet the best, but I do value his opinion and kept pondering my choice (real decisive, huh?).  Around that same time, I was curious what the birthstone for May was.  I was thinking about this baby in my womb, still wondering if we will get to meet him/her on earth, and thinking about my May due date.  When I learned the birthstone for May is an emerald, I just knew I needed to request that bracelet that DH picked out.  I love the symbolism that I feel God put before me. 

The fact that there are only 2 large stones on it is just perfect...it represents the 2 babies we have lost before this one, yet the emerald color reminds me of this 3rd baby we are hoping to meet in May.  The symbolism is so deep for me.  It connects my painful past with my present and (hopefully) future!  I love that I can look at the bracelet and be reminded of the 2 little lives we have yet to meet and feel like I'm honoring their memory, while at the same time look ahead with hope to this 3rd life we are praying for right now.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately about moving on and not wanting to forget our 2 little lives.  This is such a simple, yet significant way to honor their memory in my heart, and also help my grieving heart heal and prepare to embrace a new life!  I feel like the bracelet was made just for me, even though I'm sure it was made months ago.  I love when God gives me signs or shows me He knows what I'm going through in ways that I least expect it.  Thanks for reading about my God-moment!  Here's what the bracelet looks like:

Prayer Buddy: pray for us tomorrow morning as we have our big ultrasound appointment!  I'm praying all is perfectly formed and developed in this child.  I keep thinking of Psalm 136:13- that God is the one who created this child's inmost being and He is knitting him/her together (perfectly, I hope!) in my womb.

Quick Takes (15)

--- 1 ---

I finish teaching for the term today!  No more lessons to plan, just final exams to write and give.  I have one more week of giving and grading final exams, and then the term will officially be over for me.  Woo hoo!  As much as I love my job and students, after 16 weeks, I am ready for a break.  I'm always ready for a break around this time of year.

--- 2 ---

I don't know about you, but all these hours of darkness are depressing!  Add to that frigidly cold temperatures, and I find my motivation in the evening is severely lacking.  I get home from the gym, eat dinner, and then want to do nothing.  I'm not digging this routine because my to-do list keeps growing longer and longer.  How many more days left until the daylight hours start increasing?

--- 3 ---

Air travel while pregnant....what's your advice?  DH and I are looking at visiting TX in January when I'm 22 weeks pregnant and MN in February when I'm 27-28 weeks pregnant.  My OB says it's fine, but then again, she doesn't know my history and so far I look like a classic textbook pregnancy to her (aside from progesterone shots).  My Napro Dr. says it's fine as long as I'm feeling well.  I'm conflicted though....we've waited so many years to get to this point, is it foolish to even add something risky in (no matter how small the risk)?....or do I acknowledge I've had no control with this pregnancy from the beginning and trust God to watch over this child (Afterall, I need to learn to start trusting Him with this child).  Any thoughts or advice?

--- 4 ---

I was so saddened to read of Michelle Duggar's 2nd trimester loss.  She went in for her 20 week ultrasound to find out the gender, and there was no heartbeat.  I can only imagine the devastation.  This exact worry has been on my mind as our ultrasound appointment approaches next Friday morning.  Her story again reminds me of the frailty of life and the fact that I'm not in control with this pregnancy.  Ahh...so scary. 

--- 5 ---

I mentioned in one of my last posts that I thought I had felt the baby move...well, now I'm not so sure because I really haven't felt anything since.  Cue some minor freak out moments (especially given the fear mentioned above).  I just keep trying to repeat "I am trusting you, Lord Jesus" and then pray for my Prayer Buddy to get the focus off of me.  My progesterone was up to Zone 2 this week, so I'm taking that as a positive sign.

--- 6 ---

You may have noticed I finally added a baby ticker to my side bar.  It looks funky because I don't know how to make it narrower, but I like this one best because it talks about what is forming in the baby.  And the baby ticker is for St. Rita's Roses:-)  She asked for one.  I've been delaying adding one because I know many of you that read are still waiting for your miracle, and I don't want my blog to become a sore spot every time you check it, but I also want to acknowledge this amazing work God is doing at this point in my life.  So thanks to St. Rita's Roses prodding...I have a baby ticker on my blog- oh my!  Is it really me?

--- 7 ---

And to those of you that have asked for a bump picture...here's the latest taken this week at 18 weeks.  I've really bulged out these past 1-2 weeks.  I've only gained 3-4 inches in my abdomen area, but it sure looks and feels like a lot more.  I'm up 10 pounds total thus far.  I'm not one to post belly pictures online for the world to see, so this may be one of the few pictures I share.  We'll see.

Have a great weekend!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Blog Award #2

I still have to finish my post about the first blog award I received!  But it's already on to award #2.

Thank you, to Lavished with Lemons, Alive in Hope, and St. Rita's Roses (private now) for all granting me the Liebster Award!  I feel so honored, ladies!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers. (I'm not sure I'd call myself "up and coming" in the blog world, but I definitely have less than 200 followers.)

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog

2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you

3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

In no certain order, here are the bloggers I've selected. I tried to select blogs I read that have not yet received the award.  Here are my selections and just a few short things that I love about each of the blogs:

1. In its Time.  I love her Biblical reflections on waiting, gratitude, and more.  They are so insightful and have given me such hoping during some of my dark times of waiting.

2. Matching Moonheads.  She cracks me up with her witty posts and I appreciate the honesty she writes with.

3. Be Not Afraid.  I have felt a connection to her since not too long after I started blogging.  I appreciate the words of encouragement she offers me.

4. Time Won't Give Me Time.  Her blog has given me such hope during this journey of IF by the simple telling of her IF to pregnancy journey.

5. Confessions of a Catholic Mutt.  I love all of the pictures she posts and her appreciation for nature and the mountains.

Quick Takes (14)

--- 1 ---

It's Friday...woo hoo!  I have just one more week of teaching left and then final exam week.  Christmas vacation is nearing, and I can't wait.  I've got 3 weeks off and it's going to be glorious.

--- 2 ---

Remember when I wrote this post?  My emotions were so sad about starting another school year without a child and reflecting back on the number of years that felt the same way and being so ready to transition from working woman to mom. Little did I know what was coming around the corner after I wrote that post.  I'm 99% certain that I'm going to begin cutting back my teaching load for the spring.  I've talked with my boss about it already and just need to give her the final word and she'll find someone else to teach some of the courses I'm scheduled for.  It makes me excited, nervous, and even a little sad.  That has been my main job for nearly 8 years.

--- 3 ---

Two weeks from today we have our big ultrasound appointment.  I'm excited and nervous.  DH and I still haven't totally decided if we're going to find out the gender, but I do have a fun little plan I may be concocting.

--- 4 ---

I think I felt the baby move on Monday and Tuesday!!  I was down in the dumps when I last posted, but felt a little better after getting all of my thoughts and emotions out.  I still was anxious about what was happening with the baby.  I know it's a little early (although Moonhead tells me she's been feeling her baby since weeks 15-16!), but I really think I did feel slight movement.  At least, that's what I'm going to think.  I'll take it as a sign from God that things continue to be ok because He knows I need those little signs to keep me going.

--- 5 ---

I went to the dentist this morning for my 6-month check-up and how beautiful it was to be able to tell them I was pregnant and wasn't comfortable getting x-rays.  I can remember so many appointments wishing and hoping that the next appointment would be the one I could say I was pregnant at.  I think I finally gave that wish up after 2 or 3 years of that.  Oh, ladies, how I wish the same will come true for you real soon!!

--- 6 ---

DH and I put our tree up this past week along with all of our Advent/Christmas decorations.  I just love this season!  We have so much fun arranging all of the different nativities I/we have collected over the years from different countries.  My favorite part, however, is unpacking all of our ornaments for the tree.  Whenever we travel to a new place (within the US or to another country), we pick up a Christmas ornament for our tree.  We also give each other an ornament every year and have other ornaments to commemorate events (one from the year our Godchild was born, another in remembrance of our babies, etc.).  Here's our finished tree (and DH being a goofball).

The only thing I wish we were doing was a Jesse Tree.  I've seen so many neat blogs with ideas for ornaments and devotions to go along with the Jesse Tree idea.  Maybe I'll print the materials and make the ornaments, so everything is ready to go next year.  It's never too early to start new family traditions, right?

--- 7 ---

I've recently been awarded 2 different blog awards.  I need to blog about them and pass the award along to others.  I think I have 5 different posts that I've started writing and haven't finished yet.  Here's to more time for completion!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!