Still Sick Here (***Updated)

Day #11 of not feeling well.  I guess that's not entirely correct since I had a sore throat for 5 days, and then actually started feeling better for 1 day.  Then I came down with that terrible, deep cough for 4 days and now here I am today still sick.  I sent DH to a Super Bowl party and I'm home alone.  My body finally waved the white flag of surrender yesterday and I ended up at Urgent Care.  I usually hate going to that germ-infested place and I never know about the quality of treatment, but I was desperate and it was only Saturday morning. 

So I waited 75 minutes to see a doctor (I was desperate to feel better), who spent a whole 10 minutes looking at my throat, ears, and listening to my lungs.  He said he heard a lot of wheezing in my lungs, but didn't run any tests or do anything else, and concluded that I had bronchitis (I'm taking after St. Rita's Roses during her pregnancy) and possibly the start of a sinus infection.  He gave me 2 prescriptions...I asked if both were ok to take during pregnancy...he asked how far along I was...26 weeks...and said, yes.

I filled my prescriptions pronto and read the information from the pharmacy and the warning info in the box on the first one- Azithromycin- before taking it.  The other one- an inhaler for my lungs- I decided to take later, so I just read the info from the pharmacy.  I took it later, totally forgetting that I hadn't read the warning information inside that box.

Last night, sleep was rough as I woke every 30-45-60 minutes.  Every time I woke up, I had to clear my nose again in order to try and breathe and sleep and then drink more water because my throat was so sore.  I didn't go to church this morning, which hardly ever happens.  DH said many people asked about me because I wasn't there (our congregation is pretty small) and were worried.

So do I finally feel better?  I'm not really sure.  I guess I have a little more energy and I'm not coughing as much, but my body is still definitely fighting something.  I've used a whole box of Kleenex in 24 hours and am now wondering if I really just have a killer cold or something viral instead of anything bacterial??  Even my old standby, Netipot, hasn't helped to keep my nasal passages clear.

Baby seems to be extra active the past couple of days, so either he/she went through a growth spurt or all my coughing/nose blowing is keeping him/her awake too.

Here's the kicker though.  I finally realized today that I hadn't read the warning information on the inhaler, so I did and found out it's a Class C drug during pregnancy (the other prescription is Class B ie. safer), and while there are no human studies in pregnant women, animal studies have shown various congenital anomalies, including cleft palate, limb defects, and teratogenicity (malformation in fetuses)!!!  Hello, I would not consider that safe during pregnancy.  Why didn't the Dr. tell me?  I am so ticked at myself for not reading about it before taking it because I would have probably postponed using it until I talked to my OB.  I feel like it was a moment of weakness because I was so desperate to feel better and so out of it that I wasn't as cautious as I typically have been with taking stuff during this pregnancy, and now I'm going to spend the next 13 weeks worrying about the effects of that drug on this amazing gift of a child. 

I've only taken 4 doses, but my worry-factor has just shot through the roof.  I've already been feeling guilty about being a bad mother because I haven't been able to kick this cold and I've been wondering....should I have slowed down more when I first got the sore throat, should I have gone to the doctor sooner, etc.  Now I'm left with all those "what-ifs" that swirl around in my head and accomplish nothing good.

So I've been thinking about my blog title and verse a lot...I definitely am weak and have been weak throughout a lot of this pregnancy.  There have been so many moments looking back (not just this cold incident) where I truly have been weak, but Christ's strength has worked through me and made me strong.  So that's really the only thing I have to rely on at this point.  I've said all along that this is His child...I'm just the "holder" or the "carrier" (get it, those of you that know my name?) for such a time as this.  I don't know how long that time will be, but I pray it's for many, many years with a healthy child!

On a somewhat related note, would you pray that this is indeed the tail end of this cold/virus/bacteria?  DH and I are supposed to get on a plane Thursday night for what was supposed to be a fun weekend- celebrating my brother's birthday, the baptism of his child (my niece) as well as he and his wife having finally found a church home (huge answer to prayer), and then a couple's shower with family and friends for us.  I was so looking forward to all of those celebrations with my family and I can't bear the thought of not going, but if that's what is best for Baby and I, would you pray for wisdom and a clear sign if that is the case?

And if we do travel, does anything have experience bringing syringes and needles (for progesterone shots) through carry-on luggage?  Did you have any problems getting the needles through security??

***Updated: Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments!  They made me so much better (and calmer) when I read them this morning.  I guess it's always dangerous to post while freaking out, but sometimes posting my thoughts/struggles does help me feel better because then I don't stew about them for so long.  I took some Benedryl last night, which helped me sleep better and a lot of my nasal congestion is gone this morning!  I also talked to my OB's office and they said the inhaler (albuterol sulfate) is what they would have prescribed as well.  I'm still going to run it by Mr. Hebrews though;-)

I also checked the TSA website and they say, "All medications in any form or type (for instance, pills, injectables, or homeopathic) and associated supplies (syringes, Sharps disposal container, pre-loaded syringes, jet injectors, pens, infusers, etc.) are allowed through the security checkpoint once they have been screened."  They don't specifically mention needles, but if you have syringes or a Sharps container, can I assume you are also bringing needles on board?  I think I'll be safe carrying syringes and needles with me.

I'm feeling much more hopeful about getting better and being able to travel.  I'm still at home resting today and am going to take it easy the rest of the week, but at least this is improvement.  Thanks again for your prayers, support, and encouragement!  Baby PPIW is lucky to have you (and I am too).

Run Down

Physically.  Mentally.  Emotionally.

That's where I am at right now, and it's so frustrating to me.  (Please note: I'm not complaining, just frustrated.  There is a difference in my mind.)

After the leg fiasco last week, the next day I came down with a killer sore throat.  Talk about zapping my energy.  I rested as much as I could, ate lots of fruits and veggies, exercised some, drank lots of hot water with lemon, and finally after 5 days, it went away.

Then I had one day where I felt good again with my energy back up and WHAM! yesterday I start getting a cough and today my energy is zapped again.

I don't really know what it is.  I've tried so hard to stay and remain healthy....not just for me but for our little one, and I have been pretty fortunate that the first 22 weeks of this pregnancy that was the case.  But now in the last 4 weeks, I've been sick with some sort of cold 3 times.  I haven't done anything differently in that time except go off of Low Dose Naltrexone.  Was the LDN keeping my immune system boosted up?  I'm starting to think that was the case.

I worry about how all my nose-blowing, sneezing, and coughing are affecting the baby, but I don't really know what else to do.  All of my usual home cold remedies (green tea, extra vitamin C, immunity support pills, etc.) aren't best for pregnancy, so I'm trying to up my citrus fruit intake and sleep it out.  The thing that is so frustrating to me is that I'm a do-er....I have so many things I want to be doing right now..projects around the house, preparations for our trip next week, etc. and clearly the most important thing is sleep and rest.

So I will be back to posting and commenting and responding to emails...just as soon as I sleep this cold off!

Miscarriage Thoughts and Resources

Now that the leg cramp fiasco seems to be on the mend, back to our regularly schedule blogging!  I had actually started this post before the leg drama.  

For whatever reason, in the past 3 weeks I've heard about more and more faith-filled women going through the heartache of miscarriage.  Some of you have posted prayer requests on your blogs for these women you know, others have talked about it on their own blog, and yet others have been made aware to me through email.  Some of you have asked what to say or how to support these women.  Here's part of my story to perhaps help in that understanding and to also share some of the resources I think are helpful for those suffering through a miscarriage.

First of all, my heart goes out to each of these ladies and their husbands.

Miscarriage is such a heart-wrenching, devastating thing (even more so to the IF girl who's waited years to get pregnant).  I will never know why we had to go through the pain of not 1, but 2 miscarriages.  I always suspected it would take us awhile to get pregnant (2 years of trying), but I had never imagined we would have to face such a loss.  The first miscarriage absolutely devastated me.  I was so ticked off at God for allowing it to happen.  Sidenote: I never thought God caused the miscarriage to happen, but I knew in His divine healing power, He could have stepped in to prevent it.

My faith relationship really suffered for a quite awhile after that miscarriage.  I was so mad at God that I didn't want to worship Him, talk to Him, or tell Him how I was feeling.  I felt as if He didn't care and didn't love me enough.  I still continued my faith activities (regular Sunday worship, weekly women's Bible study, etc.), but I was often simply going through the actions and not allowing myself to feel God's presence in my life.

This lasted for several months.  It seemed like my husband rebounded much quicker than I did after that loss.  I even saw a Christian counselor to discuss my grief and anger about the loss of our 1st child, and she was able to assure me that a lot of what I was going through was normal.  Still, I didn't like "normal."  I wanted the pain and heartache to be gone, and yet it took many, many months for me to heal.

A lot of people were extremely supportive and caring immediately after the loss.  People sent sympathy cards and notes, checked in and asked how I was doing, and even offered more.  It felt good that so many recognized the life of our child in the womb and grieved with us.  There were a few that had cliche comments like "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again soon" or "everything happens for a reason."  Those cliche answers did nothing to soothe the pain of my grief.  People are really uncomfortable with loss and grief if they don't know what to say.  Sometimes it is ok to say nothing or simply give a hug and say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

But after a few weeks, all of that support seemed to fade away.  I felt ashamed that I was still grieving 3 or 4 or 5 months after our loss.  It was almost as if I felt I should be over my grief at that point because everyone had moved on with their lives.  The counselor really helped me to see that grief is a process...and sometimes you take 2 steps forward only to take 2 back.  I felt so much better after talking with her and got over my unrealistic expectations of how I should grieve and for how long.

SHARE- a national pregnancy loss support group has some great resources for people going through a miscarriage and those close to them wanting to support them in their loss.  Go here for some of those resources.

A year after our 1st loss, I joined a Share support group in my area and attended a few of their meetings.  It was comforting to meet women who had also experienced losses and to talk with them about the process I was going through.  I went to a few of their monthly support meetings and attended an annual balloon release, which was timed perfectly since we had just experienced a 2nd loss at that point.

At the same time, I wanted to make sure that I didn't focus so much on the past that I neglected the present and future.  I think Share is a wonderful resource for women grieving the loss of a child, but it's important to not get stuck in that place and spend more time looking back than looking forward.  Some of the women in my local group had been attending for 5-10 years, which I thought was a little excessive for that level of grief, but everyone does grieve differently.

Milestones were hard for me with the 1st loss.  I'd been pregnant for 9-10 weeks and had already calculated out when we would tell our parents, when I'd be 20 weeks for the big ultrasound, and my due date.  After the loss, I still had those dates ingrained in my mind, and as they approached, I became particularly moody and depressed.  I had to grieve again as I encountered each of those dates.   It would have been nice to have had a friend remember/know about those dates and come with comforting words or just her presence during those times as well.

The due date was the most difficult date.  I thought for sure we'd be pregnant again by that point, but when the due date came and went without another pregnancy, I was devastated.  It was around that time that I finally decided I had to work more on my relationship with God.  He apparently wasn't acting as I thought He would in my life, so it was time to reexamine my relationship and time spent with Him because I was sad to admit it, but I'd spent a lot of those 9 months being away from Him because I was so disappointed with the miscarriage.  I picked up amazing book called, "When Love and Sorrow Embrace: The sufficiency of God's grace through the heartache of miscarriage."  This book is what got me back on track with my relationship with God.  It looks at numerous Biblical accounts of God working in the lives of others and draws similarities to His working in my life- even through miscarriage.

Another sidenote: I see the same author, Beth Forbus, has another book out: "Surviving Infertility..."  It looks quite good and looks like it's a book, Bible study, and journal all in one. Definitely a plus for some personal reflection time.

The 2nd miscarriage- almost a year to the date of our 1st pregnancy- wasn't nearly as devastating as the 1st one.  I'm not sure why that was.  Perhaps because the 2nd miscarriage was much faster...we found out we were pregnant and a few days later it was over already.  With the 1st miscarriage, we had weeks to dream and plan and enjoy the pregnancy together.  We had our 1st OB appointment, our 1st ultrasound, and then complete devastation.  And then we had 2 more weeks of waiting until my body let go of that tiny life, so I think the 1st was definitely more traumatic as well.

And then nearly one year after our 2nd pregnancy, we find out about our 3rd.  And this is from a PCOS girl with very irregular cycles.  I will never know why we had to experience such heartache as miscarriage.  That's one of those things I would love to ask when I walk through the pearly gates, but I have a feeling at that point, it won't matter any more and I won't even think to ask!  But I will say that going through that painful process has opened my heart so much more to the pains of others.  I now understand the grief process more than before and am so much more compassionate towards others experiencing a loss, especially women going through miscarriage.  Was that my lesson in all of this?  That I'd be able to offer more comfort as a result of the comfort I received (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 for more on this idea)?  I'm starting to think that may be the case because I've encountered numerous women in the past 2 years that are experiencing something similar.  Miscarriage accounts for 20-25% of all pregnancies, and yet, it seems to be such an un-discussed topic.  Or was my lesson a personal one to deepen my faith and reliance on Him?  Or was it to show His power and His timing even if it's not the path or timing I would choose?

I don't know the definitive answer to these questions, and I probably never will.  I can say I am a different person now as a result of those experiences.  There's no going back to who I was prior to that 1st loss.  Would I choose that pathway again for myself? No!  Do I see how God's hand was in my life then even though He felt so far away?  Yes!  And maybe that is the take away lesson...God's continual presence in our life despite what our emotions may tell us.

For those that have never experienced a pregnancy loss, I pray you never have to.  I hope that by my telling my perspective of my loss, you'll have a little more insight to the grieving process, and as a result, can better support your friends and family around you that may be experiencing the same thing.  For those that have experienced a loss, my heart and prayers truly go out to you.  Cling to your faith during those extremely dark times.  It will get you through. 

Prayers, please! (***Updated)

I have an ultrasound appointment late this afternoon to check and see if I've developed a blood clot in my leg (deep vein thrombosis).  I'm sort of freaking out about it and wishing I could get in sooner, but we'll wait and see.

I developed a terrible muscle cramp in my calf Sunday morning and everything I've tried (drinking more fluids, eating bananas, Gatorade, walking it off, massage, foam roller, heating pad, etc.) has not helped.  My whole calf is still incredibly tender and sore and it kills me when I walk or flex that leg.  I'm wondering if all the home remedies I tried actually made it worse...ahh!

Praying it is just a really bad muscle cramp and not a clot!  The treatment for a clot (according to what I've read) during pregnancy is hospitalization and blood thinner (heparin).

I'll update you tonight. If I don't, you can take that to mean I'm in the hospital...eek!  The good news is Baby has been really active the past couple of days- almost as if he/she knows I need that extra reassurance things are ok with him/her.

***(Updated): Well, that was an interesting experience.  Thanks for your prayers, ladies.  I really, truly appreciated them. I didn't know what was going to happen when DH and I went to the appointment today, and I don't think my DH did either because he made reference to "if I was admitted" a few times as we talked about the day.  The u/s tech couldn't find any evidence of a blood clot in my leg, so that's the good news.  I guess it's nice the on-call OB took me seriously when I called this morning and wanted to rule out deep vein thrombosis.  Now, if only I would have received that same kind of care from them before I was pregnant!

The bad news is I don't know what's causing this massive leg pain.  My DH said he thought he saw a big cyst on the u/s, but the tech didn't mention it.  Maybe it's a huge knot in the muscle mass causing all the pain??  I sure can't feel it though because my whole calf is tender.  I went to the gym afterwards to try and work the muscle some, but it's still so painful when I walk.  Any other home remedies that I can try??  Compression stockings?

As we were walking out of the hospital, I looked at DH and said, "It's never a dull moment with me around, huh?"  He kind of rolled his eyes, but agreed.  I'm definitely the one bringing "drama" to the marriage.  Sometimes I wonder if he would have married me had he known all of this we would have to go through.

The irony is- I'm still going to the hospital tonight, just not for admittance.  We have our first "early pregnancy" class this evening.  Gotta run!

More Random Updates

Since my thoughts are all over the place, I have another update post.  It seems to be my trend lately.  One of these days I will have coherent enough thoughts to compose one post on one topic.  Until then, my miscellaneous posts with everything thrown in together:-)

1. 20 minutes a day- this is DH and I's new motto.  20 minutes a day of cleaning, organizing, or throwing away work.  After my post last week, and realizing we only have 16 weeks until Baby arrives, I started freaking out a bit with all the work that needs to be done around our house to make space for Baby.  DH and I have a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house that is filled with our stuff.  6 1/2 years of marriage and lots of stuff (books, clothes, items from living and traveling abroad, etc.) means we've filled up the space with our things.  This cannot be if a 3rd person will be occupying our house, so I came up with the 20 minutes a day rule where we both spend 20 minutes (or more) working to sort through things and downsize.  DH has been a good sport with this, and I like to know progress is taking place.  I still wonder how we will get everything done.....

2. Photo class- I signed up for another class at our community college, and it started last week.  It's a 5-week DSLR class, and I actually had signed up for the same one in the fall and then ended up cancelling as I was too overwhelmed with everything.  I talked a friend into joining me for this one, and I look forward to scheduled time taking photos.  The class focuses mainly on portraits, which is not something I have much experience with.  I enjoy nature photography...landscapes, flowers, travel, etc.  But I am excited about taking portraits because I can't wait to have a new little one to take portraits of!

3. Design a room- I also signed up for a 2nd course that started last week, but this one is only a 2-weeker.  It's designing a room and is so worth the $6 class fee (yeah, seriously, can it get any cheaper?).  6 of us meet as a group and then individually with an interior designer to discuss our room space.  My main motivation for the class was to get help picking paint colors for our nursery and other items we want to buy for that room. My DH is color blind, and so I'm left to do all the designing around our home, which typically happens in 5 year spurts. We do a big house decorating project and then nothing until 5 years have past.  We're due for a 5-year update!

4. Progesterone- I'm still on those lovely shots twice a week. I'm thinking I'll be on them until 37 weeks.  DH has been such a good sport giving me two shots twice a week. My progesterone was hanging out around Zone 1 (in the low 30s) for most of this 2nd trimester, but finally, 2 weeks ago it went up to Zone 2 (54 finally at 22 weeks)!  I was excited.  Maybe my body is finally figuring out this pregnancy thing?  Napro. Dr. wanted me to go from 200 mg twice a week down to 100 mg, but I was able to convince him to let me try 150 mg twice a week and see what happens with another blood draw.  Every time I've gone down from 200 to 100, my numbers have taken a nose dive.  I have another blood draw tomorrow, so we will see if my instinct was correct.  I love that my Napro Dr. works with me and what I'm comfortable with!

5. 24 weeks- We have made it to another major milestone in pregnancy...the 24 week/viability mark! I was hoping to make it this far, and here we are- praise the Lord!  I breathed a huge sigh of relief today realizing that if our baby came, chances are high that he/she would be able to survive outside the womb.  Don't get me wrong, I hope he/she stays put for another 16 weeks (see point #1), but I'm breathing a little easier tonight having made it this far.  And yet, I still realize there is no guarantee on bringing a baby home even though we are at this point.  My heart and prayers still think of one precious lady who made it even further with her miracle pregnancy, only to have her daughter not survive long outside the womb.

6. Glucose Challenge test- I had another OB appointment today (the last one was the big ultrasound 4 1/2 weeks ago) and it was the yummy glucose drink appointment.  I've actually had the glucose test before when we were checking my glucose and insulin levels prior to pregnancy with my Napro Dr, so I had a good idea of what to expect from the test.  This one wasn't so bad today because I got to eat breakfast in the morning and then only had to wait an hour to have my blood drawn (as opposed to a 3-hour fasting test when I wasn't pregnant).  Now we wait and see if I passed.  Thanks to PCOS, I'm not sure what the results will be.

I also had a bunch of other tests done (iron levels, urine sample, vag. culture, etc.), which was nice because this laid-back OB hasn't tested anything since my 8-week appointment, and it was starting to drive me crazy.  Is that the Napro/IF girl in me....more tests, please?  I'm hoping everything comes back normal, so that I can stop worrying about something being wrong (all that pregnancy discharge starts to mess with your head after awhile).  Baby's heartbeat was 140 again, just like last month.

7. Fundal height- this was the first OB appointment where they actually measured my belly.  I'm assuming they will finally start doing this at every appointment.  (They measure from the pubic bone to the top of where the belly curves.)  My belly only measured at 23 weeks, which she said I shouldn't worry about, but of course I googled for more info. once I got home.  The next appointment in 4 weeks will tell if baby is just a little small, turned sideways, or has something wrong with his/her growth.  I'm thinking everything is probably ok (I was only 6 pounds something when I was born), but still...I'd rather have measured 24 weeks today.  This is despite my weight being up 19-20 pounds.

8. Baby registry must haves??- DH and I are working on putting together our registries, and it's a little overwhelming.  We are realizing how much we don't know about babies! Are there any must haves that you think we should include on our list?  We're trying not to register for too many large items (see the space problem in #1), but we want to have the basics.  Any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated!

All Sorts of Updates

Well, we are back from Texas and life is back in full swing.  Phew!  I'm tired.  I'd like to take a few more weeks of Christmas vacation, please!  Here's a little bit of what's been going on the past week:

Air travel- All our flights went better than expected!  Praise the Lord.  The first day of traveling I was really nervous about how things would go flying while pregnant.  Even though I feel pretty good, I can't sit for more than an hour or so without my legs cramping and getting really uncomfortable.  Thankfully, I was able to sit next to DH on each of the 4 flights and get up and move around.  We also were blessed with smooth air and on time flights! We had enough time in Dallas each way to walk from one terminal to the next, which really helped reduce all leg cramping, and on the last flight, we had 3 seats for the two of us, which meant I could even lay down and sleep.  That was definitely an unexpected blessing.

Free day care- While visiting the in-laws, DH and I got to join his mom in being free day care for an undisciplined 4-year old and a 5 month old (DH's youngest sister's kids).  We did no know this going into our trip, otherwise we might have timed it differently since we went to visit during the week.  DH's sister drops her kids off at 9am and then my MIL drives 30 minutes into town at 7pm to drop the kids off at home.  Talk about a full day!  And all of this while the father of the kids (and the live-in boyfriend) stays at home by himself because he hasn't worked in months.  Talk about dysfunctional!  Don't even get me started on all of the boundary issues involved.

1st cold- As a result of being run ragged by the 4-year old, I came down with my first cold during this pregnancy.  Previously, I had been lucky and careful to make sure I rested enough so that I didn't get sick. Well, 3 days of free day care was enough to put me over the edge.  I had a mini-meltdown with DH our 2nd day there because I was afraid this would happen, and sure enough, the next day I felt horrible.  (That's why I appreciated the extra seat to lay down on on the flight home.)  I still feel like I'm trying to catch up on my sleep and we've been back for 4 days.

1st shower- While there, my in-laws had a family gathering/baby shower for us, which was nice.  We got to see family and church members that go way back with DH.  It was fun to be able to celebrate this miracle with them, and they were very considerate of our limited carry-on space, which meant lots of Target and Babies R Us gift cards.  I just purchased some of our nursery decor this week with those gift cards and can't wait for it to arrive.  I'll be honest though, it still feels like I'm living a dream and wondering when I will wake up from it all.

Baptismal gown- We went through MIL's cedar chest and brought home a few baby treasures with us.  One of those treasures was the baptismal gown that her mother made from remnants of her wedding dress. DH was the first baby to wear the baptismal gown, and since then, 8 other siblings and cousins have worn it for their baptism.  We're next in line to use it, and I can't wait to see what our little one looks like dressed in that gown! The gown has both a pink and blue insert that goes underneath, depending on the gender.  We brought home both colors:-) We also brought home DH's baby blanket that his mother made along with an adorable yellow and green crocheted outfit that his grandmother made for him before he was born.  He's the only one with such an outfit because his grandmother died when he was one.  I know that will be a treasured picture when we get to dress our little one in that same outfit and get a picture.  Have I mentioned, I still can't believe this is all real?!?

8 years- That's how long I've lived in my current town, which is so hard to believe.  I never would have thought I'd still be here.  I moved out in early January 2004 to start graduate school and see what was happening with a relationship (with my now DH).  I committed to living here a year, finishing my Master's degree, and seeing where things would go. Well, at the end of the year I was engaged and 8 months after that, married.  I never thought that would happen either as DH and I had dated in 1999 for a bit, but it all ended with a bitter breakup and a year of me not talking to him.  That's a story for another post!

A new term begins- Tuesday marked the beginning of classes, which means I'm back to work.  I do love my job, but I feel so preoccupied with a million other things that I want to be working on, cleaning, organizing, decluttering, etc.  I'm only teaching one class, and after that first day of teaching, I am so glad I made that decision to cut back now.  I was nervous because one class only equals about 15 hours of work a week.  I was scheduled for 2 classes (30 hours of work/week) and really had a hard time deciding to give up the extra pay while it was still available.  Based on how tired I was after that 1st day, I'm confident I made the right decision.  Plus, I'm amazed at how God provides the financial means when I just trust Him more.  Right now, my students are from Chile, Cambodia, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, China, and Iraq.  Quite diverse, huh?

Tenured faculty- Sometimes I get so tired of the people I work with.  One colleague of mine really takes the cake. He's taught in the department for years and isn't far from retirement, but he's the laziest instructor I know.  Last term, he gave all of his students As in an intermediate speaking course.  The first day of this term, he only held class for 15 minutes (out of 75 minutes of scheduled time) because it was "the first day."  Seriously, sometimes I wonder why I even worry if I'm pushing my students enough.  I never let them out of class early and assign homework every night.  I shouldn't worry so much.

Weeks left- There are 15 weeks in this term.  The 16th week is final exams.  And then the 17th week is my due date.  Cue major freakout moments when I thought about this this week.  Ahhh!!!  I'm really going to try hard to stay ahead of my lesson planning and exam writing in the event Baby decides to come early.  There's no telling what will happen, but I'm trying not to think too much about it because when I do I freak out.

Christmas down- DH and I have finally started taking our Christmas things down this week.  We usually leave the decorations up until Epiphany, but with not feeling well, my motivation to do that work has been lacking.  Plus, I absolutely love our tree, our ornaments, etc.  With those put away, our house feels so boring and drab.  January and February are the worst months for me in terms of mood because it's still so dark and cold outside.  At least Advent is during December and by March, things are starting to warm up a bit and there's more sunlight.  What do you do to brighten those two drab months?

A Reflection on 2011

It was fun for me to go back and read my reflection post on 2010 here.  I'd forgotten about some of those events and the goals I set for 2011.  Surprisingly, I did accomplish most of the personal goals I set for myself, which is amazing considering I didn't remember them at the end of the year.  Here's some of the highlights (and lowlights) of 2011.

January: start to learn to knit and begin sponsoring a child through Compassion International.

February: unwed SIL is pregnant again with deadbeat boyfriend = major low point for me (cue Funk #1), refresh my sewing skills, meet the Pioneer Woman.

March: accepted into the National Children's Study.  Now I just need to get pregnant to move onto the next phase...ha, ha funny.  Attend a major ESL conference and present in New Orleans.  Funk #2.

April: Funk #3.  I just can't shake the depression, lack of motivation, etc.

May: teach summer school, head to Atlanta, do food sensitivity testing, Baby #2's due date comes and goes.

June: Baby #1 would have been 1- hard to believe.  Saliva tests back through Canary Club.  Start major diet change as a result of all my food sensitivities. 

July: Blood spot test results.  Start low dose naltrexone.  Spend 3 weeks in Russia!

August: debrief and share from Russia trip.  Return to the chiropractor after 2 years away.  Start another school year with such mixed emotions.

September: surprise BFP #3!  Begin the emotional and progesterone level roller coaster.

October: Just try to make it through another day.  MN trip.

November: out of 1st trimester amazingly.  Announce pregnancy to family and "outside" world (as opposed to the blog world).

December: pass the halfway mark with this pregnancy and big u/s confirms all is well.  Still in disbelief.

It's interesting to look back on the whole year and see where it started and ended for me.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have predicted 2011 would end where it did.  As I think about 2012, I really don't have any concrete goals of things I hope to accomplish or do like I did with the start of 2011.  Perhaps I just am focused on making it through another 18 weeks with this baby.  If I do think ahead, however, I can come up with some general goals.  They aren't really measurably, but that's ok with me.

1. Reduce stress in my life.
2. Reduce clutter and "stuff" in the house. Get organized!
3. Prepare for Baby's arrival (physically with space in the house, but also spiritually and mentally).
4. Continue to nurture my marriage.
5. Maintain a personal devotional and prayer life.

DH and I are off to Texas this week to visit with the in-laws.  I'm not sure if I'll be checking or commenting on blogs much since I'll be using their computer.  If you don't hear from me, that's why.

I hope your 2012 has gotten off to a great start.  Sarah's Journal's certainly has.  Stop by her blog if you have log-in privileges since she is private now.