Walking Away

This past weekend we decided to walk away...from the house DH loved in the neighborhood I adored.  We spent lots of time discussing and praying about what to do after our findings from the home inspection.  The sellers were offering a home warranty on the house for a year as some of you suggested, but even that didn't settle our uneasiness about what we were getting into.  DH said it felt like the house was a money pit, and that explained my sentiments exactly.

We were in the process of trying to write up negotiations with our realtor, and DH and I just decided to terminate the contract (we were still in the due-diligence period).  We wanted to have them complete several of the repairs and drop the price significantly.  Our realtor didn't think they would do that since they had received other full price offers, so we just decided to walk because really, we were no longer that excited about the house anymore.

We both had a peace about walking away even though it meant losing some money from the inspections and even though we really want to find a home and start settling down here.  I feel bad for the sellers and wish we never would have put an offer on, but they already have the house back up on the market and DH and I learned quite a bit from the process.  He and I are more unified in our house hunting going forward and have a better idea of what we can and should be looking at in homes.

Walking away I had peace, but I also had disappointment.  I was already imagining us living in the home.  Those hopes and dreams were dashed and I'm left wondering about the timing God has with those whole house searching process.  I trust He will show us the way, but I get anxious and want Him to hurry up!  I worry that home prices are going up- 20% since we started looking 5 months ago.  We had locked into an awesome mortgage rate, so I worry about what that will be when we finally do find something to buy.  And yet I realize it is all out of my hands.  I have no control, so the only thing I can do is trust God to provide....provide wisdom, patience, guidance, direction, and ultimately a home.  Gee...that sounds so familiar from other times in my life!

I don't believe it's a coincidence that the verse I chose to memorize May 1st, as part of my yearlong Scripture memorization challenge, was Psalm 31:14- "But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."  The circumstances under which I chose the verse were very different, but it's exactly what I need to be meditating on right now.  God is good.  He knows what we need even before we do.  Love that. 

I heard this song on the radio yesterday, and it was as if God was speaking directly to me through the words.  Don't you love when He does that?

It's a new song from Sidewalk Prophets.  Here are a few lines that struck me, but really the whole song is great.  You should listen to it!

I don't know where to go from here, it all used to seem to clear, I'm finding I can't do this on my own

I will trust in You.  You've never failed before.

If there's a road I should walk, help me find it.

If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment.

Whatever your will...help me find it.

Quick takes (34): House and One Year

--- 1 ---

So many thoughts today....let's start with the house first.  We had the inspection yesterday, and just as I suspected, there's a lot that needs to be repaired or replaced.  The list from the inspector is long and mainly filled with "smaller" items...no GFCI (grounding outlet) in the kitchen, a leak in the jacuzzi bathtub, no optical sensors on the garage doors, rusted chimney cap, furnaces need servicing, etc.  All those smaller items will add up though, I'm sure of it.  We would need to hire a handyman, a plumber, an electrician, a HVAC professional, a tree trimmer, a painter, and maybe that would cover it.

--- 2 ---

It's not the small list that overwhelms, however.  It's the longer list of items that are ok now, but will probably need attention in the next 1-5 years.  The house was built in 1991, and it has a lot of original items- both furnaces, one a/c unit, oven, cooktop, etc. 22 year old furnaces and air conditioners don't excite me much.  Add to that a tree that needs to be taken down in front because it's cracked the sidewalk and driveway and then repair to the sidewalk and driveway...painting the siding...replacing a deck...replacing a retaining wall...new garage doors....and a new roof in 6-10 years.  Now all of a sudden we're looking at needing a lot of cash to repair those items. 

--- 3 ---

And that's where I really struggle.  I'm the "money person" in our family.  I make us budget.  I pay the bills.  I keep track of finances.  I save for emergencies.  I save for retirement.  I tithe.  My DH goes along with it all and agrees we should do it, but I am the one to make all those things happen and am definitely the one concerned about money. I know we can afford the house. We ran the numbers last night for all of our projected expenses with the house.  I called to get ballpark numbers for the utilities, we know the property taxes, the insurance, the HOA, and the mortgage payment.  We know our monthly expenses and yearly expenses (broken down monthly).  We also know what we want to save and give.  And I'm afraid it's not being a good steward to take on a house of this size and purchase price knowing all of the things that could (and most likely will) go wrong while we are in it.  We're not super frivolous with our spending, but I don't want to get to the point where I have to count pennies or consider going back to work.  I just don't feel that's where I've been called to serve my family at this point.  But then I've been contrasting that with trusting God to take care of us and provide all of our needs....and where do you draw the line between trusting and being a good steward?  I feel like we're entering into unsafe waters.

--- 4 ---

I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  We know the sellers have to bring cash to the closing and our agent thinks they aren't going to budge on price or repair much or at all.  That's really not our problem (I don't mean to sound rude- just stating facts), but I guess our agent is trying to prepare us for the worst case scenario.  It looks like we will most likely have to walk away from the house.  DH and I want to give the sellers a chance to respond to the inspection report, but our due-diligence period ends on Monday.  We've already put over 1,000 into the house with the inspection, appraisal, and land survey.  We would lose all of that, but could still get our earnest money check back (1% of purchase price) if we walk by Monday or can't come to an agreement.  Ugh.  So emotional, overwhelming, and time and energy consuming all at the same time!

--- 5 ---

Now on to brighter thoughts.  What I really want to be doing this week and weekend is celebrating a special little girl's 1st birthday!  I can't stop thinking about how quickly she came into the world and how quickly a year has passed.  Do I really have a one year old.  She's almost no longer a baby but soon to be toddler.  I feel like my excitement has been so tempered by the stress of all the house stuff, and for that I'm disappointed in myself.  We're having a little party tomorrow, so that should be fun, but none of our family will be present, which makes me sad.  That's the reality and hard part about living so far away from family and having families that don't like to get on a plane much and travel.  Maybe that will change when R gets older, but for now, it is what it is.  So I'm thankful for my BFF and her family- husband, kids, and her parents.  They will be our "family" for the party tomorrow.

--- 6 ---

Celebrations are tempered a bit by the weather....cold and rain!  So much for our outdoor grilling tomorrow.  I realize I could be experiencing snow like my parents and some of you, so I'll take the cold and rain  But R is also sick again with a snotty nose.  Her mood has been OK, but she's got so much thick congestion again.  I sure hope it's a cold and not another ear infection!  I do think it could be allergies because the pollen count is so high here, but people say allergies don't kick in later for babies.  We had to cancel her 1 year photos for the weekend as well on account of the above.  I've already learned that not much in parenting goes much like we plan.  What I haven't learned yet is exactly how to deal with those times of disappointments and not dwell on them.

--- 7 ---

We've also hit the one year mark for nursing!  Take that, dang PCOS!  I truly cannot believe I have nursed for a year.  At first, I just wanted to make it to 6 weeks.  Then I said I'd try for 3-6 months.  After I hit the 6 month mark, I said I'd just see what happened.  I always dreamed of making it to a year, but I was realistic about my hormone issues from PCOS.  I said I would try to nurse as long as I could, but I wasn't sure how long that would be, and I was ok with it.  How did I get to a year?....plain 'ol oatmeal every morning, lots and lots and lots of water throughout the day, some mother's milk tea here and there, and coconut oil every morning to fatten up my milk.  Wow.  And so where do I go from here?  I have no clue.  I never thought I would get here, so I don't have a plan.  R still nurses a lot (4-5 times during the day and 2-3 overnight), so I guess we just continue on until shown otherwise?

That's all.  We'll know more on Monday whether we have the house or not.  I'll let ya know more when I know more.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Offer Accepted

Our offer on the house was accepted Friday night! Ahh....I'm nervous and excited and scared all at the same time.  We had a good feeling it would be accepted because we knew we put in the highest offer- just a bit above the other offer.  But the sellers were slow getting back to us, so I was worried that they were accepting additional offers or deciding to make us bid against the person who made the 1st offer.  DH and I already agreed that the offer we put in was our best and only offer.  We weren't going to raise it or try to bid against another.  So when we heard they accepted, I was actually a little surprised.  And then nervous.  Oh no.  This might really be happening.

They countered with a slight change in the closing date and wanting to remain in the home for a few days after closing, so they could get their things moved out.  We could have not accepted the counter and walked at that point, which is really what I wanted to do. Just run away from it all and go back into my little quiet, happy place that doesn't require any more change.  DH and I had a few intense conversations, and we finally agreed to move forward, with the agreement that we would walk if too many things came up from the inspection.

I actually came to the realization that I needed to trust my husband more (and God, too) and not be the one to always call the shots or us constantly doing things in my timing or according to my comfort level.  I was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the fast timing of everything, but I realized my discomfort was due to me not being in control (I am a control freak).  And sometimes it's ok to not be in control because it means I need to trust more and not rely on my own devices as much.  And that is a good thing to practice...trusting God and others more.

After I made those observations of myself, and after DH and I talked, I finally felt at peace about the whole house situation.  What a relief that was.  I had so much anxiety covering those few days, I didn't know what to do.  Things didn't feel right; I didn't feel right, yet wasn't sure why or how to proceed.

I went from waking up that first morning after our offer was put in hoping that they didn't accept it to starting to get excited that things will work out.  I'm actually starting to be able to see us living in that home.  That makes me excited but also nervous now because it means I'll be disappointed if we have to walk away from the deal.

Our home inspection is on Thursday.  We're also having a roofer come out, someone with pest control, and a land survey done.  All of our loan documents are already to the lender and we locked into a 3.375%/30 year mortgage or 2.625%/15 year one.  Awesome rates!  Better than what we had refinanced on our last home.  We still have to decide the length of our loan.  We really wanted to do a 15 year because you save so much in interest, but there are so many unknown expenses here, I think I feel safer doing a 30.  Maybe, maybe a 20, but probably 30 is the safest route to have a little extra cash free that we can either apply to the principle, use for schooling costs, retirement, etc.

I'll let ya know how things go Thursday!  I'm hoping nothing major comes up because we know the sellers already have to bring money to the closing.  I'm not sure they would want to negotiate the price down too much or fix anything.  Time will tell if we move forward or walk away.

Raw Emotions

So I've been thinking a lot since yesterday (see previous post) about why I've been the one dragging my feet with the home buying process.  Part of it is my personality...I'm picky and frugal.  Not a good combo when looking to buy much of anything.  But another part is I'm still transitioning. I was reading a letter I got from one of the college students from our old church, and I just started crying.  It was like it finally dawned on me...I miss our former home and haven't completely let go and said goodbye.  I mean, I said goodbye in the physical sense of leaving, but I don't think I've fully said my emotional and mental goodbyes.  I know that may sound weird, but it's almost like part of me just thinks we can go back to our home, church, work, and community.  Like this is a fun little trip to the South and we're learning new things about an area of the US we've never been, but then I sort of think we'll just be able to go back to life as familiar and comfortable and nice as it was in the West.

I still think about our house and all the memories it holds, some of my favorite rooms in the house, the safety I felt there, the nursery I loved so much for R, my friends from church that I miss, the familiarity of our community, the health-conscious/earth-friendly aspect of the area, and even my co-workers that I miss bumping into in the office.

Here I was thinking I was doing so good with so much change in the last 6 months, and today I've realized I still have more grieving left to do.  I haven't fully closed the chapter on our previous location.  I don't want to buy a new house because it means tangibly starting a new life in such a visible way.  It means meeting new neighbors, making new friends at church, finding new places in the community that we enjoy, adjusting to a new "work" environment at home, etc.  And all of that is hard.  It requires opening up my heart, taking risks with relationships, and loving people.  And I'm scared that I'll really grow to love things here and forget about everyone and everything in the West.  I know that really won't happen, but I definitely have a lot of fear I had not realized before.  And I'm afraid that one day we'll be called to move from this place (very likely given my DH's job) and this whole chapter closing/opening will start again.

I see so many similarities with my IF journey as well as trying again after miscarriage.  I can remember month after month of wanting to give up and not hoping that things might be different the next month.  I didn't want to try because I didn't want to be disappointed again.  And then I really recall not wanting to open my heart up again to a possible miscarriage after the 1st one.  It was so hard and painful, I wanted to throw in the TTC towel because I didn't want to go through that again.  Well, we did go through a 2nd miscarriage, but God held us in His peace and comfort.  And we kept moving forward.  I had to allow myself to get past those fears in order to continue TTCing.  I wanted to hope and move forward, yet was held back by memories, fears, etc. 

Am I glad I continued to hope?  Most definitely!  The end result was well worth it.  The wait and journey were hard, but looking back doesn't seem like it was that hard since I know the ending.  Well, I know the ending for this pregnancy.  I have no doubt we'll be dealing with secondary IF when we TTC again.  I'm not thinking about that right now though.

There are so many ways in which I feel the lessons I learned (or should have learned) of trust, faith, patience, and perseverance through TTC echo throughout other areas of life....thinking about the desire and longing and years before I met my husband is just one example.  I know moving, adjusting to a new area, and buying a home do not in any way compare to the difficulty of IF, but I share this as I process through and see the connections in my life. 

What lies ahead in the house buying/adjust to a new community process?  I don't really know, but I do know I've got some more grieving to do in order to move forward with a new sense of peace and trust.  Thanks for letting me share.

An Offer on a Home...

We put an offer on a home today!  Ahhh....where did that come from, huh?  I think I told you about the 2 homes we liked in 2 different subdivisions, but both were overpriced.  They still are overpriced, but another home came on the market in one of the same subdivisions.  We went through it today and liked it and had to put an offer in because there were already 1-2 other full price offers on that the seller was getting ready to accept (our realtor got lots of details from their realtor before we walked through it).  The funny thing is it's the exact same floor plan as the overpriced one, but with the addition of a huge, fabulous sun room.

I am such an indecisive person that I'm all out of whack today.  Never did I dream I'd walk through a house and put an offer on it within the hour.  I'm the one that spends hours and hours researching something and then thinking about it for forever before I finally make a decisions.

I know that a lot has to happen before it's actually our home (inspections, financing, etc.), and I'm ok with that.  It's such a huge step to buy a home and I haven't quite had time to process it all.  I think that's partly due to the fact that I'm still tired from what felt like the whirlwind selling and moving tour.  And it doesn't help that we're just starting to have to do some sleep training since waking up 4-5 times in the night isn't ideal for anyone in our house. 

It's a nice home with a lot of space and everything we want in rooms, etc.  It's 4 bed/2.5 bath with a formal dining room, office, and sitting room.  It's the first one on a cul-da-sac in the back of the subdivision.  It was built in 1990.  But there are some issues with it- corner lot, no basement, probably will need a new roof and a/c units soon, and there is a tree root going under the front sidewalk.  I knew we would never find our dream home with absolutely everything we wanted in the price range we're willing to pay as well as in this award winning school district, but people told me I would know it's the house for us when I walk in it and I wasn't really feeling a feeling.  Does that make sense?

And here I was getting ready to finish a post I was working on about waiting for something (in this case a house) being the lesson and how I was so content to wait and see what God had in store for us with a home.  hmm....definitely wondering if this is God's plan or not.  Maybe the rushed timing was good because I was forced to make a decision quick rather then hemming and hawing about it for days or weeks.  I'll still see if I can get that other post finished and published, but now it might seem a little funny to ready.  Perhaps I need to go back and re-read it to myself!!

A Variety of Updates

I'm back.  Apparently, I decided to take an unplanned blogging break for the last month!  Holy smokes...I had no idea it's been over a month since I blogged.  I knew life was chaotic, but man, oh man!

So- happy Easter, y'all!  Since I didn't get the chance to wish you so earlier, I pray you all had wonderful celebrations of the resurrection of our Lord.  Easter is one of my favorite times of year....without the resurrected Lord, our faith would mean nothing!  We have hope because Christ was raised from the dead.  Alleluia to that!

So what's been going on the last month plus?  I'm so glad you asked. Lots of stuff!

-house hunting.  We continue to hunt for our house in the South.  It's been a learning process as this is the first time DH and I have looked to buy a home together.  DH had a home built in the West, and after we got married, I just moved into it.  We are learning together that I'm the picky, frugal one and he just wants to be in something to start making it a home.  Funny, huh?

We've actually gone through two homes that we both really liked.  DH has really liked a few more, but I (Miss Picky), didn't like them as well.  Neither of the two homes is our "perfect" home, but they are nice.  Both are overpriced quite a bit, so we're just sitting and waiting for a bit to see what happens and what else might come on the market. The big thing down here are swim/tennis subdivisions (it sounds so elitist, doesn't it?), and we're trying to see if we can get in one.  They tend to have more families with kids, an HOA with better upkeep up yards (and fees to pay, of course), more neighborhood activities, etc.  Swimming pools are already getting ready to open early May and remain open until late September.  Oh boy...this four-season loving, Midwest girl is not quite ready for that kind of weather!   

-SIL. The latest we've heard from DH calling CPS on his sister is that she is not allowed to be alone with her 3 kids!  Yikes.  Not sure what caused the CPS worker to determine that, but he definitely feels he did the right thing by calling to report her.  His other sister and mom still have not returned the phone call from the CPS worker requesting more information about SIL's situation.  So frustrating since they are there and see it all, but just want to avoid conflict and not necessarily do what's best for the kids and SIL (in my opinion).  If they were to return the phone calls, there may be more CPS can and would do.

-runs/illness.  R is over the runs- hooray!  That only took 2 weeks last month.  But then she came down with an ear infection and we did 10 days of antibiotics, which meant more days of runny diapers.  I was doing laundry almost every day because of all the blowouts.  Sure felt like those newborn days all over again.  I'd nearly forgotten about those days.  We then had 4 great days with her around Easter where it felt like our little girl was back, and then we ended up at the doctor's office again because her ear infection hadn't cleared with the 1st round of meds!

This time we started her on a different medication for a 2nd round attack on the ear infection.  She was so terribly congested that 1st day of meds that she started vomiting (we think to clear some of the mucus out).  Multiple times vomiting, a page to and personal call back from her doctor within 5 minutes (I love that level of personal attention from her pediatrician!), and we started her on a different antibiotic the next day.

Me, in my infinite sleep-deprivation, gave her a double dose of that new medication for 3 days before realizing it!  Doh.  No wonder why she got the runs again.  Poor, sweet girl.  Once we corrected that dose, her diapers finally returned back to normal this last week after a month of abnormality.  Phew.  That's been a roller coaster ride.

She finished her medication, and then I actually took her back to the doctor's yesterday to get her ear check.  I wasn't going to mess around with more sick time.  She got a clean bill of health...no fluid on the ears whatsoever!  PTL.  We've had 3 sick visits and 1 ear check with her doctor in less than a month!  Ugh.  That has been so hard on everyone.  I am so, so thankful though that we went ahead and transferred all our her files over to the new doctor after our terrible experience with the previous doctor at 9 months.  Little did I know the wisdom in doing that transferring at the time.  I just thought I was being super organized in preparation for her 12 month appt.

-diaper changes are going way better.  Part of all her changing maneuvers was because of her ear infection, I believe, and it being uncomfortable to lay down.  She still wiggles around and makes it challenge to change some time, but she's not throwing fits and screaming like before.  Toys and music can distract her most of the time to where I can change the diaper.  

-my weight. It's finally, mostly going down!  DH and I are 9 weeks into a food and exercise challenge through our insurance provider.  We did this last year where we exercise 3 times a week and eat 5 servings of fruits and veggies at least 5 times a week.  We record it in 6 week increments and can do up to 24 weeks.  There are also a bunch of other things we can do and record, but this is where we're starting.  We earn points which translate into dollars on gift cards with a maximum of $350 each for the year!  I've also been keeping a food journal where I write down everything I eat each day. 

In order to keep myself accountable, here are my stats:
-pre-pregnancy weight (after eliminating dairy, sugar, gluten, and eggs):125
-highest pregnancy weight: 170
-6-8 weeks post-partum: 145
And that's where I've been stuck for nearly a year- 20 pounds over my lowest ever weight.  I know it doesn't sound like much but I'm only 5'5"...and I don't expect to ever get down to my same size,weight and shape as before pregnancy....but when nothing fits and it seriously becomes a depressor, I knew I needed to change what I was doing so I could fit into some of my old clothes and feel better about myself.  I'm down to 141 now, so that is progress.  I don't have an end number in sight since I know my body is different now.  Maybe another 10 pounds?  Now I've got to keep you posted since I put my weight on my blog!

-taxes.  We filed our federal taxes April 14th and sent the state ones in April 15th...talk about being organized, huh?  The good news is we are getting a refund from both state and federal.  We have a whopper of a refund coming from the federal return due to all the bags of stuff we donated during Lent as well as before moving coupled with medical expenses from having a baby and regular donations and tithing.  I'm actually a little bit worried about all our deductions and credits (my husband was also in school taking some classes, he had unreimbursed business expenses, our donations are high for our income level, etc.) since Turbotax put us in the red/high audit risk zone (we're usually in green).  We shall see.  I organized all our receipts and tried to file everything away together.  How many years is it back that you could get audited?  Just what I need...something else to worry about.

It was a little bittersweet filling out our taxes since once we completed the state ones for our old state, we were "officially down" with all our matters in that state.  Dropping the return in the box was a little sad.  Crazy, I know.  But it was a form we were used to filling out for so many years and what we'd become comfortable with.  Who knows what the state credits and laws are for taxes here.  We'll find out in a year.  I will say I'm glad DH finished payroll in December there and started the new job here January 1.  At least that made it easier for tax purposes.  Still, I miss our former place of residence...the people...our home....I should write a post about adjustment at some point.  Just don't really want to go there and reflect on all the change right now.  I should though...

And since this post has already been in my drafts for the week, I'm posting it now with more updates at a later date!

Overwhelmed

Well, if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I don't usually drop off the face of the blogging world unless something is up.  And something is up...not just one thing, but life in general.  I feel so overwhelmed lately, and the more overwhelmed I feel, the less productive I am. Know how that is?  It drives me crazy because part of the reason I feel overwhelmed is because I have so much to do, so by being super unproductive, it only magnifies the feelings of being overwhelmed.  It's a vicious cycle. One that I've been caught in for awhile now and it just seems to go round and round.

Here's a sampling of what is currently my time, thoughts, and/or energy:

-the house hunt.  Ugh.  We've walked through 20 or so homes, and I don't feel like we're any closer to finding our home than before we started looking.  Some days I want to just forget about looking and hope the perfect house is just dropped in our lap.  Ha, ha.  If only it could be that easy.  DH wants to find a home sooner rather than later, and I've discovered I'm extremely picky and not willing to settle for a lesser home.  Time is on our side, and I still feel like patience will pay off in the end.  Still...part of me wants to stop checking my email and looking at all the listings each day.  And then all of a sudden 6 new homes come on the market that fit some or most of our criteria and I can't resist setting up a time with our realtor to see them all. (That happened to me this week and we're going out to look at all 6 tomorrow).

-the SIL.  DH and I spent one night this week filling out an online reporting form for CPS.  It's a long story and he's been in touch with CPS years before about her.  She's the SIL with 3 kids, living with the loser boyfriend, etc.  She's drinking again and possibly doing drugs (while breastfeeding, of course) and DH's family, who sees it all because they live close by, refuse to do anything over fear they won't get to see the kids.  Ugh.  So frustrating.

-the runs.  R has had a case of the runs for 12 days now.  Fun, huh?  Everything else about her seems ok (mood, hydration, appetite), so I haven't been too worried, but changing all those stinky diapers has been hard (see next point below).  I did call her new Dr to talk about the situation this week and see if I should bring her in. Based on her response, I already feel good about switching R's files over.  The Dr. said to try giving R probiotics (I'd been taking some but not her).  We just started that this week, but it seems to be helping some....maybe.  She's also been fiercely teething for awhile now (the top 2 big teeth are slowly, slowly coming in) and is drooling like crazy, which I read can serve as a laxative.  If improvement is not certain by Monday, we're off to the Dr. though.

-diaper changes.  I cannot change my own baby's diaper.  Yeah, sounds funny, huh?  Around the time all these extra diaper changes started (see above point), R started really upping her changing pad acrobatic moves.  Now whenever and wherever I lay her down, she's instantly trying to roll over and crawl away.  No amount or variety of toys will keep her attention laying on her back, so it becomes an all out wrestling match to change a diaper.  She ends up crying as I force her to stay laying down and I almost end up crying because she is.  I'm praying this is all temporary because I don't like creating such a negative environment over something that takes place so many times a day, but she needs to have her diaper changed.  I try to make it fun and do as much as I can to get everything ready before laying her down, but it still results in wrestling.  Ugh.  So stressful.  The only thing I haven't tried is changing her in a reclined position.  I'm very open to other ideas and suggestions!

-my weight.  I still have 20 pounds to lose from the pregnancy, and my weight hasn't been budging for months.  I've recently starting walking 3x a week and eating at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables along with writing down everything I eat during the day.  But other than that, I can't seem to find time or motivation for more, and it seems like it's going to take more than what I'm doing.  Last summer I had the excuse of all my clothes not fitting because I had just given birth, but this summer, I don't really have an excuse, do I?  I'm too cheap to buy new clothes, so I just end up wearing the same few shirts and pants over and over again, which reminds me of the extra weight I'm carrying around.  And my brother is getting married this summer and I need to be able to fit into my bridesmaid dress.  Time is definitely ticking in my mind.

-overnight wakings.  We have yet to achieve the "my baby sleeps through the night" stage yet.  Typically, R goes down for the night between 7-7:30.  She wakes around 10:30-11 to eat and then again around 3.  She's up in the morning by 7:30.  Before all the diarrhea business started, I was thinking I'd try and see if we could drop the 3am feeding, but I haven't been wanting to try yet until her digestive issues are resolved.  Both times she wakes up, she chows down and then is back asleep before I'm even settled back in my bed.  I truly believe she is hungry, but all of these night wakings are hard for me.  I try to bulk her up on food during the day, but that hasn't changed overnight yet.  I said I'd stick it out until a year when we meet with her new doctor for her 12 month appt, but that's still 7 weeks away, I think (only 7 weeks!  ahhh....she's growing so quickly).

-extra things.  And then there are all the extra things I need to do like taxes, paperwork for mortgage lenders, claim forms for the moving company, unpacking boxes and repacking boxes, our yearly review with our financial advisor, etc.

-daily things. And then there are all the day to day things like dishes and keeping the house somewhat picked up.  Cleaning...eh.  That hasn't been happening as much as I would like.  How do you moms stay on top of the house cleaning?

So that's sort of where I'm at.  I seriously need to work on some time management around here, but I always say I'll do that another day.  Sorry this post is depressing.  Please don't take it as complaining.  I'm just stating where I'm currently at and how it all contributes to my absence in the blog world.  And now that I've written everything out, I can see why I've been feeling so overwhelmed for so long.  I almost debated about not posting this because it was just so therapeutic to write everything out...almost like I gave myself the chance to acknowledge everything that's on my plate.  But I decided to post it anyways because my blog is a record of my life- sort of like my online diary recording the ups and downs of this journey called life.