The State of Affairs Around Here

Just popping in for a little 'ol update since it's been a month since my update.  Geez Louise!  Time flies.  I have so many times I think about putting up a post and topics that I want to process through in this online format, but clearly as you can tell, that's not happening these days.  But what is happening?

House
Our little "replace 2 toilets and get 2 programmable thermostats installed" project turned into replace all 3 toilets, 2 thermostats....oh, and get a new bathroom floor. Lovely, huh?  We discovered lots of problems when our handyman was replacing the toilet in our master bath, so we decided to just replace the tile on the floor.  It was in bad shape anyway, but still wasn't on our top list of household projects for the year.  It's nice to have the work done, the floor looks amazing, and we got rid of tons of black mold spots and hope our ant problem is gone now too.  The handyman did such a precise job and was so considerate of R's nap schedule, so we'll definitely be calling him again.  That was a lot of work to have someone do that we hadn't used before (though he did come highly recommended from our neighbors).

News
Once again I'm sucked into the news stories with the latest airline crash.  I don't know if it's my love of travel, my time visiting and living overseas, or what, but I got pulled into the news for weeks with the stories and details of the other Malaysia Airlines crash (MH370).  I feel the same thing happening again with MH17.  Part of it is shock and disbelief over the events, I suppose.  

Progesterone
Zone 2 for the 3rd time in a row....yippee!  My progesterone levels have been much more constant this time around.  Last pregnancy they zig-zagged all over the place, as did my PIO dosages.  This time we've been on "just" 100mg shots twice a week, and since I have the compounded oil this time around, it means on 1cc for a shot each time.  My bum is definitely happy with that, which is good because we had a major issue with one of the shots about 2 months ago where I think DH hit a blood vessel.  I got a huge, fist-size welt, bruise, hematoma...something on one side that still is not totally healed.  That means we've been doing all the shots on the same side.  Definitely thankful for the 100mg compounded meds.  Not sure I could stand 2 or 4ccs in the same spot twice a week as was the case last pregnancy.  It's the little things.

Pregnancy
I haven't written about this much, but it's definitely on my mind constantly...both DH and I have had this ominous feeling of death surrounding this pregnancy.  It's hard to explain in such a short update, but it's been a pretty constant feeling since early on when we found out we were expecting.  DH and I have had lots of conversations and prayers surrounding these thoughts and feelings, and I've shed lots of tears even talking about the things we have, but still the sense remains.  I don't know if it's Satan trying to steal our joy or God preparing us for something that lies ahead.  I should really process through some of these strong emotions in a blog post soon, but if you could spare an extra prayer or two for the health and safety of the 4 in our family, especially Baby Sprout and I, I know I'd appreciate it.

Celebration week
Tomorrow kicks off a big week for us....we have our big ultrasound, and we will be finding out and sharing the gender of this baby.  DH and I sort of know already from the fetal DNA test, but it will be so good to see and confirm everything on u/s.  I'm anxious to make sure everything else checks out with the baby too health wise.  So hard to believe we are almost at the 20 week mark already.  Then we celebrate our 9th anniversary mid-week and end the week with my 36th (gasp) birthday.  I'm taking full advantage and insisting we have little celebrations every day (free Chick-fil-A milkshake, free smoothie at Starbucks, dinner with a giftcard someone gave us, etc.).  Should be fun!  I'll try to let you know how it all goes soon.  Promise it won't be in another month!

Quick Takes (44): A Random Collection of Updates

--- 1 ---

After 4 days of swim lessons, I'm officially going to call them a bust.  What started out with such great intentions (getting R better acclimated and more comfortable in the pool) and such joy on Day 1, quickly went downhill on Day 2.  R loves the water, so DH and I thought it would be good to get her in some lessons before swimming a lot at our neighborhood pool.  He agreed to do the lessons with her, and I agreed to go along and take pictures and video:-)  Day 2 was "Submerge" day, where all the parents were supposed to dunk their kids to get them familiar with the water (I guess).  It didn't go so well.  She wasn't happy with that, took on some water, and ended up throwing up in the pool which caused a full pool immediate evacuation.  Since then, she's not been super interested getting back in the pool (I don't blame her).  Wish we would have stuck with our instincts and not followed the teacher's instructions.  Now we've got to build up her trust again, and we have 4 more days of class left next week.  Not sure what will come of that.  Ugh.

--- 2 ---

10 full lawn and leaf bags later, our azalea bushes are finally trimmed.  Yes, we do have a ton of bushes, but they were also pretty bad.  Finally just paid somebody to do it because neither of us has had time to do it.  They sure look nice now!  And much more manageable to keep up with.

--- 3 ---

Operation house update/get the house ready before Baby comes continues in full swing this summer.  Next up- new low-flow toilets (our county offers $100 rebates for 2!) and programmable thermostats.  Can't believe our 28 year old house still has the old school, turn style thermostats in them!  Will be nice to get those puppies replaced.  Yes, we have 2 thermostats for our 2 air conditioners and 2 furnaces. Still seems so funny to me since our house is only 2,000 square feet.  Such is life in the South.

--- 4 ---

Busy bags are going to be keeping me busy!  I'm getting ready to participate in my 1st swap, while at the same time organizing another one for local moms.  Should be fun.  I've got 2 different ideas I'm working on, and I can't wait to get all the bags from everyone and have lots of new activities for R this fall.  Perfect timing.

--- 5 ---

We've entered the time of year where our air conditioners could practically run all day long.  We don't run them that much, but we certainly could to keep cool/feel comfortable.  I'm so missing those mountain nights where the temps could be 80s and 90s during the day, but then 50s overnight.  It was wonderful to open up windows overnight, cool down the house, and not have to run the A/C much the next day.  One of my favorite parts of summer in the West.  Hoping we only have 10 more weeks left of this yucky summer heat.  I seem to remember September being cooler last year.

--- 6 ---

DH and I just completed our 1st 6 week round of exercising 3 times a week and eating 5 servings of fruits and vegetables 5 times a week.  It doesn't sound like much, but it's always good for us to keep track, and our health insurance offers cash incentives for doing various things like this, so we keep doing them.  The fruits and veggies are usually easier than the exercise for me (see weather point above).  It's so blasted hot all day long, it's hard to get out and walk.  We try to exercise at the pool, walking inside the mall, or chasing her around at a Gymboree class (one month Groupon....love it!), but sadly, I still struggle. I definitely need more exercise as I'm packing on the pounds, but it's so much easier to just sit inside in the cool during the day.

--- 7 ---

Finally, two good progesterone draws in a row!  High Zone 2 (1 point away from zone 3 actually...I've never seen zone 3 in a pregnancy before), so decreasing the shots for a few times.  Yippee.  But it probably means my numbers will go down and I'll be increasing the shots again in 2 weeks. Oh well. I will gladly welcome a small break because I'm pretty sure DH hit a blood vessel last week as I've got an ugly, nasty, sore bruised area that doesn't seem to be healing very quickly.  Yuck.  No shots on that side for quite awhile.  Just hoping it heals and doesn't become something icky.  Sorry to end on that note.  Enjoy the weekend!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

And Then There Were 4

4 pregnancies.  4 in our family.  However you count it, 4 is our number right now.

Yes folks, PPIW is pregnant again at almost 36 years of age.  I can hardly believe it.  I've been quiet on the blog about it and quiet to just about everyone in real life.  With the exception of my 3 close friends, our photographer, and dentist, we've pretty much kept this to ourselves...oh, and all the women that were doing the Matthew study, but that's a story for another day.  I've actually just completed 1st trimester, so it seems this is really happening.  I'm 13 weeks now, and just starting to tell people.  In fact, we just sent photos and announcements to our families Wednesday after my appointments.  They haven't even received them yet, so they aren't even aware.

When we had R's 2 year photos done last month, we had a few extra photos taken that could be used for announcements if we made it past 1st trimester.  Our photographer was great about keeping our secret, so when we sent copies of the 2 year photos to our families, we also sent along these extras.

In case they didn't figure it our from the above 4 pairs of feet (like my grandma), we sent this "Big sister" one.

And because I'm uploading pictures like I never do anymore, here are a few more.  Cannot hardly believe this sweet girl is 2.  Just blows me away.  Some days I still have a hard time believing I'm a mother to a living child because there were so many years I waited, dreamed, and prayed and wasn't sure it would ever happen.

Love this one.  "Blow the dandelion, Mommy."

I'm not exactly sure why I've been quiet for so long.  It's certainly so out of my character.  With all the other pregnancies, I was posting about it as soon as I got the BFP on the pregnancy test.  And then I was updating with every twist and turn along the way.  This time around has been different, but as usual, it's been a roller coaster ride with me.

We were shocked to discover we were pregnant.  I was only on my 5th or 6th cycle post-postpartum, and my cycles had been long (45-50 days).  I was on zero progesterone support and zero meds. unlike last time.  I was still breastfe.eding quite a bit, but I was starting to get a feel for the patterns of my cycle.  I had no plan whatsoever as far as who to contact if I got pregnant, which OB to get in with, etc.  The only doctor I had seen in the area was the crappy "Napro" doctor I vowed never to go back to.  I have Napro in quotes because while this doctor was originally trained in Napro, he/she no longer does anything that remotely resembles the Napro we know and have experienced.

Out of desperation, I went back to him/her those beginning days of pregnancy.  It was stressful, but I had no choice.  As a new OB patient, even with a miscarriage and IF history, no one would see me until at least 8 weeks.  Then throw in a trip to TX in there that will probably go down as the worst visit ever, and I like my in-laws...I do, but talk about high stress.  They didn't even have a place for us to stay when they picked us up from the airport, great planners that they are.  Then there's the month where I had no progesterone monitoring because PPVI took so long to get me set up as a long-distance patient.  And so on and so forth. I'll type up a detailed timeline for my own benefit with all the details, but that's some of the skinny.

All of these things set off my fear about another miscarriage. It didn't help that most of my pregnancy symptoms went away around 10 1/2 weeks.  I honestly thought the pregnancy was over and I fully expected to see that on the ultrasound Weds.  Thankfully, that was not the case and things seem to be progressing normally. I'm on PIO injections 200mg twice a week, but that is all.  I've had 3 ultrasounds now, and they all seem fine with the latest exception of a low-lying placenta that I'm hoping will move the heck off the bottom of my uterus/cervix area as the uterus grows.  The genetic testing all came back normal and we even found out the sex of the baby already!  Amazing if it really is true.  We never did any of this with R because it was elective.  It still is, but since I'm 35, actually almost 36 now, my insurance would cover the blood test, so I said, why not. There's gotta be some perks to being "AMA" (Advanced Maternal Age).   It's a fetal DNA test where they are able to separate my DNA from the fetus's and then analyze it for some of the trisomy problems as well as determine sex...with get this...99% accuracy!  We're not telling anyone about it now, but will definitely confirm the sex at 20 weeks and then let people know.

Throughout the whole past 2 months, I've really struggled with guilt.  Guilt over being pregnant again while so many other amazing ladies still battle primary infertility.  Guilt over not being more outwardly excited and sharing with people from the beginning.  Guilt over not really struggling with secondary infertility while I know some of you are.  Guilt over why I remained so quiet and didn't share from the start what God had done.  It's been such a weird mix of emotions that I guess I've sort of just holed up in my shell and not said or done much.

But it's not been a pleasant or comfortable place to be, so I'm ready for the change.  I'm ready for people to know of our pregnancy and ready to talk about God's hand in all of it.  Most people here still don't have much of an idea of our past- my health issues, IF, miscarriages, etc.  It's just not something you bring up in every day conversation.  I can't rejoice in the present without sharing at least a little bit about our past and journey to get here.  We didn't resort to artificial means.  We remained faithful to each other and to God...committing to prayer with whatever the result was.  We waited and prayed and waited and prayed for years.  We endured heartache and loss.  That is all part of our story, and I'm ready to get story-telling again!

Jesus, I Trust You

Dear Jesus,

I trust in you.

Even when my actions and words may not clearly show it,

deep down, I really, really trust in you.

There are times when I let my worries and fears take over.

Please forgive me for those times.

Help me to trust You,

Your ways,

Your timing,

and Your plan more.

You know the deep anxiety I have over appointments tomorrow.

I'm scared and afraid.

I'm thinking of the worst case scenario.

Things are out of my control, and that is a scary place for me to be.

It means I can only rely on you and not my own strength or power.

I want to have hope.

I want to trust in You.

Please give me the courage and grace to face whatever the results show.

 Instead of focusing on my fears and worries,

fill me up with love,

joy,

peace,

patience,

kindness,

goodness,

faithfulness,

and self-control.

Help others to see You working in and through me.

Your (often times weak) child,

Perfect Power in Weakness

She would have been turning four

Not as often as before, but every once in awhile, something will hit me in regards to one or both of our babies we lost to miscarriage.  It almost always takes me by complete surprise when I'm not expecting it.  Today it happened while I was perusing Facebook (while Facebook can be a great tool for keeping in touch, I often feel like Satan uses it when I'm vulnerable to remind me of how sinful I am and/or what an imperfect world we live in).

I saw a good friend had posted about her daugher's 4th birthday celebrations, and I was taken back to Fall 2009.  This friend had just announced her pregnancy a few weeks before I was planning to.  Even though we no longer lived in the same town, I was excited that we would be pregnant with our first babies at the same time.  I was waiting until my 1st ultrasound appointment and/or 1st trimester ended to make our big announcement, but we never got there.  Our 1st ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing a few weeks prior.

October 23, 2009.  A day and an event that will forever be etched in my mind.  That loss led me into a downward spiral of depression and anger at God that lasted far too many months that I care to admit. 

But God redeems those days and events.  It was October 24, 2011 that we had our 12 week u/s and OB appointment with Baby R.  A time of the year that had such a negative connotation in my mind was then filled with such joy over the miracle of a life still growing in my womb.  We are so extremely grateful for her in our life and treasure her for the gift that she is.

It was also after that 1st loss that we decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International.  We chose a girl whose birthday was June 2nd, in honor of the due date of that child.  For the past 3 years we've had the joy of writing and receiving letters from a dear girl in Ethiopia.  We just got word a few weeks ago that she completed the vocational training program (she is 20), which makes us extremely happy for her.  But it also meant we had to say goodbye to her as our sponsor child.  We just wrote our final "goodbye" letter last week.  My heart is still grieving a little from losing that connection with her.  God brings beauty from our ashes.  I'm thankful Aster was a part of our life and prayers for those years.

But it doesn't mean that I don't think about and miss those first two babies whose lives ended before we ever got to meet them this side of heaven.  June 2nd, 2010 would have been our due date with our first baby and late May 2011 was our due date for our 2nd baby.  Sadly, I don't remember my 2nd due date anymore because that pregnancy ended much too quickly to have dates etched in my mind.  The 1st pregnancy is the loss that was so much harder and traumatic for me, and consequently, probably the one that I will always remember in more detail.  The 2nd pregnancy actually produced hope as I dealt with it in a much calmer, faith-focused way.

But still, being reminded today that our daughter (DH and I both thought Baby #1 was a girl) would have been turning 4 in a week was a sad reminder of what we have lost.  I wasn't expecting tears to come while I cruised through Facebook posts, and yet, that's what happened.  Tears of sadness for us and our losses, but also all those who lose babies much too early.  Tears over the pain of our journey, and yet, recognizing that we have come up, out of that pain through much growth into joy...joy over the delight of a little girl who turned 2 a few weeks ago. Tears over how those losses have shaped us to be who we are today as her parents, acknowledging that without the losses, we would not be the same people we are today.  And it brings tears to my eyes just to think about the day where we will get to meet both of those precious little lives in heaven.  I cannot even imagine what that will be like.

Mommy is thinking about you today and missing you both, sweet little ones, and looking forward to our great reunion in heaven some day! 

March Updates

Trying to finally hit publish on this, so I can move onto other updates!

The short of March was sickness, travel to MN, and more sickness.  There, how's that for an update?

For wordy, story-teller me, you know that I have to include more details...for my sake and remembering if nothing else.  The month started off with R have another ear infection, that we thankfully caught in enough time to have a few days of meds in her system before getting on an airplane.

We were off to MN for a visit to my family.  It was with mixed emotions that we went.  I was excited for my family (especially my grandma, R's only great-grandparent) to spend time with R and see how she had grown since it had been 8 months since our last visit.  I had been planning to try and visit again before R turned 2, and it was a great to have an excuse to bring DH along to help with R and help keep things calm with my family (my mom tends to pester and attack me much more when he's not around).

The purpose of our trip was for our newest niece's baptism.  This is my little brother's 2nd child, and it was hard not to be jealous of their growing family.  When I say little, he and his wife are 29 years old, but he's 6 1/2 years younger than me and still seems little in my mind.  And starting a family and having children has never been a problem for them, so they just try and get pregnant right like that.  I hate that jealousy rears it's ugly head at a time that should be so joyful.  Plus, how can I be jealous when I have my own child that I am so extremely thankful for?  It was such a mix of emotions and like an inner wrestling match inside of me.

They named their daughter's middle name after my grandma.  Again, mixed emotions.  So neat for my grandma to be able to experience that honor, but also feeling sad again for myself because I'd been thinking about possibly using a variation of her name for a daughter's first name if we ever have another daughter.  Again, jealousy came out in my mind and I hate that.

Then the kicker is they asked DH and I to be Godparents!  No greater honor than to be asked to care for the spiritual well-being and faith of the child while she grows up.  Of course, we said yes and look forward to nurturing and encouraging her faith as she grows up. She's on our nightly prayer list along with our other Godchildren (this is #3 now).

But I still can't shake those jealous feelings at times.  How do you deal with it?  I need remedies. And I know my brother and SIL have their own issues in their marriage that DH and I don't have, so it's not like I'm looking to trade positions with them or anything.  I just want to not feel jealous when I think about them having two children before they're 30.

It was while we were in MN that the Malaysi.an Airlines plane when missing, which freaked my dad out.  He's nervous nellie when it comes to flying, and you could tell he was extra nervous sending us off from the airport to return home.  I was captivated by the news of the missing plane for weeks.  Seriously, it became an every day thing for me to read the latest updates on the search.  I don't know if it was because I used to live in Beijing or could have imagined myself or someone I'd known being on that Beijing-bound plane, but I was just hooked.  I'm still so curious as to what happened, and hope they are able to find out.

Leaving MN this time around was definitely full of mixed thoughts.  Grandma is almost 92 and I really don't know if we will see her again.  We have no plans to visit MN again for probably a year or more.  I just don't see a trip happening again before that.  I'm thankful I got the sweetest picture of R and grandma.  It was adorable.  And lots of video and memories to share with her if she never gets the chance to see her again.  Ahh...tears are coming as I type.  That's one of the downsides to living so far away from family.  I wish we were only a days' car drive away instead of 2+.

This was also the trip where a check-in agent threatened to make us buy a ticket for R because we weren't traveling with her birth certificate or anything that proved she was under 2!  Seriously, I couldn't believe it.  Of all the times we had traveled with her before (9 flights, I think) not a single person had asked for any sort of ID on her.  I guess she is tall, but what an awful feeling to have someone in authority basically tell you they believe you are lying and trying to sneak her on!  Finally, a phone call to my BFF and her being able to tell the agent R's birthday sufficed.  And the funny thing is, another agent saw the wringer that we were being put through and bumped us up to row 1- business class!  That move prevented me from calling Air Tran and complaining (1st time we've flown with them).  It was so nice to have the extra space in front of us.  Definitely made the flight go smoothly, but what a roller coaster of emotions to end that trip.

And then March ended with more sickness for R.  She came down with some sort of stomach bug that lasted close to a week.  It started in the middle of the night with repeated vomiting.  Poor girl was so scared she didn't have a clue what was going on and just kept saying, "yuckies."  All she wanted to do was nurse for comfort and go back to sleep, but that only brought on more vomiting.  I seriously had to walk away and leave her wailing with DH so time would go by for her stomach to settle down and her return to sleep.  Worst.  Night.  Ever.  And then we thought she was getting better and it started all over again 2 days later.  Honestly.  Totally scrubbed down the car seat twice in March.  Definitely a low point on my list.  And then just when she was finally getting better, DH came down with the same yucky bug that put him out of commission for 2 days and confined to the bathroom.  Amazingly and surprisingly, I was spared, which is usually not the case because his immune system is much stronger than mine usually is.

And with that lovely note, March ended.  Better updates are coming up in April and May.  I promise!!

Quick Takes (43)

--- 1 ---

This is my 201st post!  Wow.  I wasn't sure when I started this blog what would come of it, for I started it mainly as a way to connect with other IF bloggers and receive support through that network along with this being an anonymous outlet for my thoughts, struggles, and feelings during one of the hardest times in my life.  My frequency in blogging has definitely slowed down since I first started, but I love that I have a place that documents my journey- God's story- in my life.

--- 2 ---

We are finally getting back on track after our most recent trip to visit the in-laws.  That'll come in the April updates, if I ever finish and post the March ones.  We'll just say it was the most awful, stressful, uncomfortable trip ever.  Didn't see that one coming at all.  It took us nearly 2 weeks to get R back on schedule with with her sleep routine overnight and naps.  Ugh.  Happy to report that I think we're finally there though. Phew.  And we only have one possible trip planned this summer, much to DH and I's delight.  We're looking forward to a staying-home-kind-of-summer.

--- 3 ---

We are starting the weaning process.  Who ever thought I'd still be nursing a 2 year old?  Not IF, PCOS me, for sure.  My goal was to make it to a year.  And then once we hit the year mark, I just thought we'd see what happened.  At 18 months, her doctor said the WHO recommended to continue until 2, and that most babies would self-wean, so I figured...we'll just keep with it. I did start to practice gentle weaning, where I didn't offer to nurse, but I also didn't refuse when she asked.  But once we hit the 2 year mark, along with a host of other issues, I just felt emotionally and physically ready to wean.  At R's 2 year check, her doctor thought she might be using nursing as a way to manipulate me, so I've tried to limit her nursings to a few set times during the day, and it does seem to be working most days.  We're only 10 days in, so definitely still plugging away, but it's also sort of bittersweet to think of my time with her in that way is going to be coming to an end soon.  And I don't know if I'll have the chance to nurse another baby, so I think that's part of the reason I let her hang on as long as she did.  I enjoyed that special bonding time with her for sure and am so thankful for the experience even if there's not another.

--- 4 ---

It is so hard to believe we have a 2 year old in the house now!  Some days I find it hard to even believe I have a child because I spent so many years thinking it would never happen.  R is starting to be so affectionate and she's developing a little sense of humor, it is so funny.  She can identify most if not all of her letters, she knows her colors and basic shapes, and can count to thirteen. I love seeing her little mind develop.  She loves to run and jump, play outside, and would probably stay outside all day if I let her.  She likes reading books, all things with wheels (cars, trains, tractors, etc.), Curious George, bugs, and balls.  We just had her 2 year pictures taken and I cannot wait to see how they turned out (we did have to do 2 shoots though because I totally forgot to bring her outfits to the 1st one and didn't realize until we were 45 mins from home. doh!  Not one of my finer moments.)

--- 5 ---

We just joined Costco for the 1st time with a deal I found online (free items, money back, etc).  We've never lived close to one (we're still not super close), but we finally grew tired of Sam's Club and thought we'd make the change for a year and see what we think.  I'm so excited to check out some of their organic items.  Now to find the time to get over there and check everything out.  What are some of your favorite Costco items to buy?

--- 6 ---

Summer is a'coming!  School is winding down for the year here and so are many of the activities we've been participating in.  My Matthew Bible study was over a few weeks ago as well as MOPS.  DH's evening work commitments free up quite a bit soon, and we're looking forward to tackling our long (and growing) summer to-do list.  You know, all those house projects we haven't done the 9 months we've been here.

--- 7 ---

And in other summer news, pools are opening up around here like crazy.  Hard for me to believe since it's still May, but we've definitely had several days where a dip in the pool sounds quite refreshing.  Although as I type that, I'm sitting in long sleeves and pants.  It was 70 for a high today with 48 overnight.  Everyone around here is complaining about the unseasonably "cool" weather.  DH and I are loving the break from the heat.  Looks like it's remaining "cool" (ie. 70s) through the weekend.  Can't wait.  Going to enjoy it.  Hope you enjoy it too!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!