With All the Saints

All Saints' Day...

Today I woke up to an unexpected surprise.  My pregnancy symptoms were gone!  Like almost, nearly, completely gone.  No nausea.  No fatigue.  No sensitive or sore chest.  No funky food cravings or aversions.  I had sort of started feeling like this last night, but the change was quiet clear in the morning.  I actually had noticeable energy.

Some people had told me this would come with the end of 1st trimester and it often came on suddenly.

So do I rejoice that I'm leaving the 1st trimester behind?  Or do I thank God that my body seems to be right on schedule and doing the right thing?  By now you know me well enough to know the answer is no.  I freak out!  Oh no.  The pregnancy is over.  This must be another missed miscarriage.  My symptoms just nearly disappeared.

I've been on extra heightened alert ever since last Tuesday when I found out the poor progesterone results, so this change only added to it this morning.  Then on top of it, it was time for another shot this morning, so I thought my progesterone must be way low again if I didn't have any symptoms.  I was an instant wreck.

I decide to wait it out.  Surely some symptoms will come later on because I have felt better in the morning and worse in the evening with this pregnancy.  I get to work and wait.. 10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...2:00.  Nothing.  In fact, I don't even have a huge appetite at lunch and there were days last week that I was starving.  With each hour that passes, I feel my anxiety growing greater.  I try deep breathing.  I try positive self-talk.  I try to relax.  Nothing works.  I count my heart rate at 100-120 bpm.

So what do I do when anxiety seems to be getting the best of me?  I know I can't possibly go on like this for another 2 1/2 weeks until my next appointment, and I know it's not healthy for me or the baby, so I call my OB's office and beg and plead for them to let me come in and get a heartbeat check.  They assure me everything sounds normal, but I continue to gently push.  I'll meet with a nurse...anyone.  I just need some reassurance things are ok.  They agreed and told me to come in in an hour! 

I call DH and hope he has some free time to run to the clinic with me and we go.  I don't meet with a nurse, but with my doctor!  That was a surprise.  She was really understanding and said with her first pregnancy all of her symptoms disappeared overnight as well, but that can also be a sign of a miscarriage, so it is good to check it out.  It took her less than 2 seconds to find the heartbeat....156 bpm.  What a beautiful sound!  Everything seems to continue to be going well despite my anxiety, doubts, and fears.  I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, so I do believe the risk for loss has gone way down at this point (perhaps just 1-2%?).  I have a baby inside of me.  I really do.  It still seems so hard to believe.

And now I can breathe easier until our next appointment.  DH thinks I'm crazy, yet he understands.  I just know myself and knew I needed to get in soon if I wanted to make it another 2 1/2 weeks.  That progesterone draw last week sure messed with my head.

I was reflecting on all of this tonight and thinking about how it was All Saints' Day today.  I got a beautiful picture in my mind of our other 2 children looking down from heaven on me and their youngest sibling and telling their brother/sister to stay awhile longer here on Earth.  And then I started thinking about someday (hopefully a long time from now) when those 3 children will be reunited together in heaven.

And then I thought of my grandfather who passed on from this life last November and how he'll be one of the faithful saints we remember by name at church on Sunday.  And then I thought of how he'll never get to meet this child on Earth, and that makes me so sad. And then I decided to stop thinking about those things and say thanks to God for the reassurance I once again have and to ask forgiveness for my disbelief.

And thank YOU to the many of you who have been faithfully praying.  You are the saints this side of heaven!