Remembering Back

9-11-01 is a day ingrained in everyone's minds.  A day that has forever changed air travel and how safe (or unsafe) we feel inside of our own borders.  You probably remember exactly what you were doing when you received news of the terrorist attacks.  I also remember what I was doing on September 11th, except it was just a normal day of teaching for me and I had no clue America was about to change.  In fact, I was sleeping peacefully while everyone in the US watched in horror as the planes attacked and the towers fell.

You see, I was living halfway around the world in Beijing, China in 2001.  I was 23, had just graduated from college, and was embarking on an adventure of a lifetime.  I had just arrived China the end of August to be an English teacher for the school year.  I hadn't even been there a month when the news that rocked the world occurred.

I received a phone call at 7:30am on Sept. 12th (dinner time in the US on 9-11).  It was from our in-country liaison.  He started the conversation by asking if I was sitting down, which really freaked me out. He alerted me to the fact that the WTC and Pentagon had been hit by hijacked planes.  He talked about arrangements that could be made in case I needed to go home.  I'll be honest...being a Midwest girl, I'm not even sure I knew what the WTC towers looked like or how tall they were, much less how much they were a part of the New York skyline.

I met my team of other American teachers at the school for our morning prayer and the mood was somber.  As the day progressed, we learned more about the events of 9-11.  The news we received in China was filtered, but I did have a teammate who was from NY share several emails she had received from friends recounting the terror of seeing the towers collapse. 

It was hard for me to imagine what was happening in the US because we were so far away and in such a different place.  We heard about flights being cancelled and baseball games being put on hold.  We could only imagine the disarray that was taking place in the US.  It was almost like we were watching a movie because we felt so disconnected from what was happening and it didn't seem real to us.  In some ways, we felt safer being in China than if we would have been in the US.  We didn't know if there were going to be other attacks on the US in the coming weeks, so it was a scary time for us, but I don't think it even came close to the fear that people living in the US experienced.

Later that afternoon, I ran into some of my junior high students who had newspapers in hand.  They wanted to talk with me about what had happened in the US.  At that point, 15 Chinese citizens had died in the attack and those junior high boys felt a loss too.  They had a hard time understanding how such an "accident" as this could occur.

And that word "accident" kept coming up. Evidently, that is what the Chinese government initially called the terrorist attack- "a terrible accident."  This was not just a mistranslation, this was a serious misunderstanding (or an attempted cover-up) by the Chinese government.  I saw a lot of things during my time in China that I didn't necessarily agree with, but this event truly opened my eyes to the ways of the Chinese government.  I don't often talk down about China or my time there, but I was appalled by these events.

The Sunday following 9-11 (Sept. 16th), I attended church with some of my American co-workers.  We attended one of the international churches that was only for foreigners (you had to show your passport to get in).  After the time of worship, they had a memorial/prayer service in honor of 9-11.  There were people in our midst that had lost their parents, children, and co-workers, which finally made the magnitude of 9-11 hit me.  The US ambassador was also present and read a statement from then President Bush.  I finally started to realize the severity of the terrorist attacks and the wide-reaching effect it had on the US.

After 9-11, we tried to lay low for awhile.  We were put on heightened alert at our school and our foreign affairs official didn't want us going out after dark for awhile.  I remember we would tell people we were Canadians if they asked where we were from because we didn't want to draw attention to ourselves as Americans. 

I did have one really scary experience in November 2001- the only time I was traveling alone.  I was on a bus traveling from one city where I had been visiting friends and going to another city where I was meeting up with my team.  The bus was showing 2 movies during the ride. The first was a Chinese film starring a Hong Kong actress and the second was "Executive Decision."  Have you seen it before?  I hadn't, but I soon became extremely uncomfortable as the film portrayed a plane flying from Athens to DC that was hijacked.  While the hijacking movie was playing, I was talking with a Chinese girl in the seat behind me who spoke decent English. 

During the movie, 4 men sitting in front of me asking if I was an American and if I was a Christian.  I pretended like I didn't understand them (because I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell them the truth since I was on edge already because of the movie).  The girl behind me served as my translator since she didn't think I understood the mean.  I finally said that I was a Christian and avoided answering where I was from.  I then asked them if they were Christians and they said they were Muslims from Egypt.  Then they proceeded to get on the phone and I heard snippets of their conversation.

Thinking about the movie, the current world situation, and my conversation with those men, I could hardly wait to get off the bus.  I have no clue why they wanted to know where I was from and my religious beliefs and I have no idea what Arab Muslims were doing in China.  I was definitely paranoid and practically ran off that bus when it got to my stop.  That was my one 9-11 related freakout moment.  I sure got some extra prayer time in waiting for my stop to come up!

It wasn't until I returned home that following summer (June 2002), that I was finally able to view photos and videos from 9-11.  It was so surreal to me.

Quick Takes (8)

1. I started another sewing class this week at the Technical College.  This will be the 3rd sewing class I've taken this year.  You'd think I'd be an expert by now, but I still can barely operate my sewing machine on my own.  I'm making a baby quilt for my brother and sister-in-law.  When I first saw the class advertised, I wasn't going to sign up because I was still so angry and jealous that they were pregnant before me.  Over the summer, however, I thought about it and decided it would be my labor of love for them.  That as I made the quilt, I could pray for them, their marriage, and their baby, and perhaps in the process, my heart would be softened a little bit. 

There's a whole new twist now that I'm pregnant, but I still consider the quilt my labor of love.  Their colors for the nursery are light yellow, sage, and brown, so I'm hoping this flannel fabric I picked out matches.  At our first class on Tuesday we cut out 162 squares of material!  Now I have homework to piece some of the squares together with a piece of batting in the middle (I'm hoping to do 40 this weekend).  At our next class, we'll begin sewing the squares together and then we finish after that.  Only a 3 week class.  Think I can finish it all in the time frame?  We'll see.  Here are the squares I cut out and my cute bag from Joanne's that I needed to hold all my material in.

2. Fall nights and days- I love them.  We've been in the low 80s during the day and low 50s over night.  Beautiful weather!

3. I'm thinking it's time to start pulling out the fall decorations for our home.  Another fun project for the weekend.

4. I just reached Gold Level at Starbucks.  Perfect timing, huh?  Looks like DH gets to be the one to reap my free benefits.

5. Our gas prices are going up in town.  What is up with that?  We're 3.59 a gallon right now.  I thought the prices were supposed to be going down?  Not happy with that.

6. No Fantasy Football.  This will be the first time in 4 years that I haven't played Fantasy Football with my husband.  He always sets up a league with the college kids from church and I get so competitive with my team.  We would even come home from church on Sundays and have to watch the NFL games to see how my various players would do.  This year the interest doesn't seem to quite be there and that's fine with me because I would get stressed out about which players to play and which to keep on my bench.  Less stress is better for me right now.  Still, I'll miss the excitement of cheering for my players.

7. We picked up 5 farm fresh chickens today.  4 went straight into our deep freezer and the other is in our fridge waiting to be cooked this weekend.  We have one more month of pick-ups to complete our 6-month chicken share.  It's been a lot of fun and the meat has been so much healthier and fresher.  The verdict is still out, however, if we'll participate next year (it is a little pricey).

Have a great weekend.  Head on over to Jen's for more Quick Takes.

Doubled!

Just got my HCG results back from this afternoon and they doubled!  This might really be the one! Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you.  HCG was 1,076 on Tuesday and 48 1/2 hours later it was 2,157.  Almost a perfect doubling.  Am I on track for a "normal" pregnancy?  That could only be the work of God.

Now the difficult waiting and trusting begins.  I don't have any other lab work or appointments until I meet with my Napro Dr. Sept. 19th.  That's 11 days away. I just counted.  We'll check my progesterone again at that time and hopefully it'll be up from 27.  I wish he would do an early ultrasound then, but he doesn't have the equipment (or expertise?) since he's just a family doctor.  I could try to convince the nurse here at the OB office to do an early ultrasound, but I feel if my progesterone levels are rising on the 19th, that tells me the baby is still alive.  

The nurse here said I could continue to come in and do HCG quants. if it would give me peace of mind, but with the missed miscarriage (our 1st pregnancy), my HCG continued to rise at normal levels even after the baby stopped growing. It was the progesterone dropping that clued me in to something being wrong before I got the official diagnosis on ultrasound.  So I think I'll pass on doing any more HCG draws and just monitor the progesterone Sept. 19th and Oct. 3rd.  Then it'll be the big, scary ultrasound appointment with the local OB Oct. 7th.

This just gives me more time and more opportunity to work on trusting the Big Guy upstairs, right?  He knows I need practice with trusting Him.  (And I have more time to pray for others waiting as well!)

Progesterone Update: Much Better!

Well, I am doing much better today.  Thank you for your prayers, emails, and blog comments.  I got some good news on my progesterone, which helps me feel like this pregnancy might be the one that sticks.  While I was in the shower this morning (it's my deep reflection time, you know), I thought about the phone call I had yesterday with the secretary at the nurse's office where I had my blood drawn.  I realized that the progesterone results were the last ones she told me and I didn't think to ask what the date of that lab was, but I had a hunch she was just reading me my P+6 results since I had them done at an affiliated lab that would show up in her computer.  And whenever I have progesterone drawn, it's sent to the Big City, so the results take a day to get back.  I don't know why I didn't think of that before!

I knew the nurse's office was closed today (because that just seems to be how my luck goes), but I decided to stop by the hospital on my way home from work and request copies of my medical record. I knew the progesterone number from yesterday would be entered into my medical record- I've done this before:-), and sure enough it was.  My progesterone yesterday was 27!!  Woo hoo.  It did go up from 16 at P+6 to 27 yesterday, which puts it in Zone 3.  My body is producing more progesterone on it's own.  Thank you, Lord.  I'm still continuing with the shots, but it is so nice to know my body detects the pregnancy and is trying to do something on its own to sustain it.  That gives me hope that my HCG numbers will have doubled by tomorrow.

We've already cleared the first hurdle....we made it further than the 2nd pregnancy.  Now we just need to clear the second (and much, much scarier) hurdle...make it further than the 1st pregnancy.  Once I clear those dates/appointments, I think I will breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I'm sure I'll still be anxious throughout the pregnancy (I have PCOS, infertility, and pregnancy loss to thank for that), but I think it will be much less.

I am feeling so much more upbeat and optimistic today.  This might really be it!!  And yet at the same time, I feel so humbled and unworthy to carry this gift or receive your prayers.  There are so many of you amazing, faithful bloggers out there that are as much or more deserving of a pregnancy.  It's those of you still waiting that I'm thinking of particularly today.  Whether it's waiting to meet your spouse or waiting for a child in your home, these are the people on my heart today (in no particular order):

Hebrews 11:1

Patiently Waiting

Isaiah 55:8-9

I Must Have Prayed for Patience

Faith Makes Things Possible....Not Easy

Made for Another World

Be Not Afraid

Jelly Belly

What If God Says No

non-blogger D.

Polkadot

Catholic Mutt
Alive in Hope
NFP Fertility Help

Love Came Down
Blessed Be Lord

More Than Anything

Mrs. Henderson
His Perfect Timing

Infertile Catholic

TCIE

So ladies, please know that I am praying for each one of you!  I am praying that your period of waiting is coming to an end soon!  (And I apologize if I forgot you.  This is just who comes to mind at the moment.)

Fear, Worry, and Anxiety- Oh My!: ***Updated x 2

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  I know for some of you it doesn't come without a twinge of jealousy or envy, and it's those comments and prayers that are especially meaningful because I know they come with some sacrifice.  It's so nice to know this amazing community is lifting me up in prayer because the only other people I've told are 2 dear friends.  It's nice to have a place (here) to post my thoughts as I journey through whatever is going to happen.

I have tried so hard to enjoy each day as being pregnant and only think about that day, but I'll be honest, this 3rd time around has been such a struggle.  Please don't take this as complaining because I know many of you would give anything to trade shoes with me at the moment.  I'm just trying to be real and share where I'm at.  The 1st pregnancy I was so filled with joy and the 2nd one I had so much trust. This time around, I have so much anxiety, fear, and worry.  I hate that infertility and miscarriage have taken my joy away.  And I hate that Satan uses fear, worry, and anxiety to make me think of the worst possible outcome.  Numerous times these past 3 days I've found myself telling Satan to get behind me and get away from me.  I just feel him wanting to devour me.  I wish I had stronger faith and could say- "OK, Lord.  I fully trust you with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is."  But the fact of the matter is, I can't say that or I don't want to say it because I know what outcome I want.  It's almost as if I don't want to fully surrender to the Lord's will because I want to stay in control, even though I realize I can't control much (except taking progesterone) in this situation.

Going to the bathroom has been another time of anxiety as I hope I don't see any pink or red.  I've started repeating to myself- Jesus, I trust You before I go to the bathroom or anytime I find myself doubting or my mind wandering to negative thoughts.  Jesus, I trust You or Jesus, I want to trust You is really more like it because I don't think I fully trust at the moment.

I still haven't heard from my Napro dr. today even though I put an urgent request in.  Thankfully, I was able to talk the local nurse practitioner up here into doing a UA, HCG Quant., and progesterone draw.  My HCG was 1,076 this afternoon!  Woo hoo.  That seems really high and good.  Progesterone was only 16. It was 16 at my P+6 draw this month, so it seems like it hasn't risen.  Although, I don't know how much labs vary since the progesterone draws were done at different times of the day and by different labs.  I take it to mean my defunct body has not increased its progesterone body since becoming pregnant.  I so wish I could trade in my body for a new one! I think DH is giving me a PIO shot tonight regardless of if I hear back from my Napro dr.

I still don't know how far along I am.  Technically, I'm only P+17 today, but think I must be a little further along than that based on my numbers and what my chart shows (RAP and 2 inch mucus 21 days ago).  I also had to schedule my first OB appointment (October 7th), since I live in such a baby-making factory place and the OB I want to see here fills up quickly.  Thankfully, she had a spot for me and my spontaneous tears when I explained my miscarriage past got the appointment moved up to 9 1/2 weeks instead of the 10-12 weeks they usually like to make you wait until.

It was at this same 1st OB appointment in October 2009 when I found out our 1st baby had stopped growing.  This next month leading up to that same type of appointment is going to be terrible for me.  I think if I can get through that appointment and see a healthy baby and heartbeat, I will be so much better because we've never made it that far.  Perhaps, I should start a 30 days of prayer focus Sept. 7-Oct. 7.  I need to do something to get through these next 4 grueling weeks for me.

So- that's where I'm at for today.  I'm still pregnant for another day.  I've started up my pregnancy journal again (for the 3rd time) and have written down thoughts, hopes, and fears about this pregnancy.  I'm hoping this is the last time I have to start up writing in it.  DH has lovingly decided we should call our baby "biscuit."  It's not my favorite (we had squirt and sweet pea before), but I'm letting him go with it.  It's probably my way of guarding my heart and trying not to get too attached yet, but he's enjoying praying for our "biscuit in a basket."

I've been thinking of John 9 lately and longing to be like the blind man Jesus healed. Everyone wanted to know who sinned to make him blind, and Jesus replied, "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:3)  I am so hoping that is the case with this pregnancy- that it will continue for another 8 months and that I might be able to proclaim God's hand of faithfulness in my life through the hard struggles of the past 3 years and use is as an opportunity to proclaim God's goodness and mercy through trials as I talk about how this is our 3rd child and we have 2 others in heaven and how I've waited on God's timing without taking measures into my own hands or those of ART. Please Lord, let me tell of your goodness through this healthy pregnancy!

***Update 1: got an email and voicemail from my Napro dr. tonight.  He said to start 100 mg PIO injections 2x a week and we'll retest my progesterone levels Sept. 19th at my next appointment.  But I'm wondering if this is enough progesterone??  When I look at the zone chart, 16 would be in zone 2 and the directions are to do 200 mg 2x a week if progesterone is less than 20.  What do you think?  He says progesterone doesn't rise much 4-6 weeks post conception, but you want it to stay steady.  I emailed to clarify, but I'm wondering if I should do 200 mg injections and/or add 600 mg suppositories?  I'm such a bad patient.  I don't always listen to my dr!

***Update 2: I had a thought in the shower this morning.  I bet the progesterone number the secretary read me was actually from last month on my P+6 draw.  She read me the UA and HCG results and then the progesterone.  I didn't even think to ask what the date was on that lab, but I'm almost positive it was from last month because they've always had to send progesterone down to the big city and it usually takes a day to get results not 3 hours.  I'm going to check this afternoon, but I'm hopeful I'll have another progesterone number from yesterday (hopefully, I pray, a higher one!).

Prayer Warriors: I Need You!

If you could spare an extra prayer or two this weekend, I would really appreciate it.  I don't usually share something like this so early, but given my history of loss, I really could use the extra prayer support.  We are not sharing this with friends or family IRL yet, so it's good I don't know you IRL:-) 

I woke up to this this morning:

A positive pregnancy test!  I'm in shock.  I just wrote about how pregnancies were on my mind because I had gotten pregnant around this same time the previous two years.  I really wasn't thinking it would happen for a 3rd time the 3rd year in a row.  Although we do believe in a God of surprises, this one has definitely caught me by surprise.

Of course, I'm freaking out. I'll email my Napro dr. after church today, but I won't be able to get my progesterone or HCG numbers until Tuesday at the earliest, since labs are closed tomorrow and then I still need my dr. to fax those requests to a lab near me since he only sees patients on Mondays. I did have my P+6 numbers done this cycle and they were good, so that is a plus. I will go ahead and start up the 600mg suppositories again in the meantime, since I do have a problem with low progesterone.  I even have some leftover PIO if I need to start up the shots, but that would mess up a Tuesday blood draw if I had DH give me one today.  I'll see what dr. thinks.

The analytical part of my can't help but scrutinize this cycle.  I'm only P+15 today, but it's been 17 days since our last time of I.  I didn't think we had good timing this cycle, but I do sometimes peak on my chart a day or two after what I think is my true peak.  The positive did show up fairly quickly on the HPT, so that makes me feel good about my HCG level, especially since it's a cheaper test that I think is only sensitive to 50.

I'm freaking out though because I know some areas are still not in balance with my body- high eosinophiles, high DHEAS, high RT3?, etc. Is my body healthy enough to sustain this pregnancy?  I pray it is. I'm also worried because I don't feel pregnant.  With the 1st pregnancy that lasted to 6+ weeks, I felt pregnant.  I remember how incredibly sensitive my chest area was. With the 2nd pregnancy that ended quickly, I had implantation spotting, but then I didn't really feel anything and my HCG was only at 25.  With this 3rd one now, I also don't really feel anything, which of course has me worried.  I've been really tired, but that's not unusual for the end of my cycle.  My bowels have been moving a lot and I've been hungry, but again, that's not too unusual. My legs and lower back have been way crampy, which is the only thing that's unusual for me post-peak.  I've also been more nauseous, but I've also been eating some foods from my intolerance list!  Ahh.  And I've been drinking coffee every day the past week or two.  Major guilty feelings now.

Ahh....so much to think about and it is all out of my control.  (Something I still have much room to grow in.)

Anyone know if I should continue with LDN while pregnant?  I didn't ask the dr. that since I didn't think I would get to this point before my next appointment in 2 weeks.

Jesus, I want to trust you with this new life in my womb, but I am so scared of miscarrying again.

Jesus, help me trust you.

***Update: Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support!  I took another test this afternoon and the 2nd line still comes up quickly:-)  I know many of you understand the fear and anxiety of pregnancy after miscarriage, and I also know many of you still long to have life in your womb and another pregnancy announcement can be hard. I know. I've been in your shoes.  I was just asking myself why God answers my prayers on behalf of someone else when it seems my prayers remain unanswered.  Continue to cling to your faith in Jesus, is what He told me, and what I share with you.  I don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy, but this is His story of His work in my life.

Quick Takes (7)

1. I survived the first week of classes!  Yay.  I always dislike the first week because it can be crazy with students arriving late, students begging to move up to a higher level, etc.  So far so good.  The first week wasn't too crazy.

2. My students represent 8 countries this term: Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Rwanda, Colombia, China, South Korea, Dominican Republic, and Honduras.  I love the diversity! 

3. Last night DH and I attended a camp fire event with the college students from church.  We volunteer with the campus ministry and have a great group of students this year.  It was a beautiful night to drive up the canyon, sit by the water with a camp fire, and admire all of the stars.

4. I heard some geese flying south last night.  This worries me that summer is over and fall is soon to be upon us.

5. I absolutely love fall- the leaves changing colors, the sights and smells- pumpkin spice, apple cider, the harvest time, corn mazes, carving pumpkins, etc.  But I feel like my love of fall is diminished somewhat because I know winter comes right after fall.  It's almost like the dislike of the coming winter diminishes the joy I experience from the fall season.

6. Our low last night was 41!!  Can you believe it?  It was so cold.  We left two of our upstairs windows open, as we usually do during this time of year, to cool our house down over night.  When I woke up at 7:00 this morning, our house temperature was 65!  Brrr.

7. Our highs were just mid to upper 90s last week.  What a quick change in seasons!  I just checked the forecast and we should still be in the mid to upper 80s during the day and warm up to the 50s over night.  Much better temps!

Enjoy the long weekend, everyone!  Head on over to here for more Quick Takes on Friday.