Prayer Buddy Reveal

This was only my 2nd time participating in Prayer Buddies, but it was still so much fun.  The first time around I was introduced to new bloggers through the person I prayed for and the one who prayed for me.  This time around, I actually already knew my prayer buddy before the assignment, so I didn't have to be an anonymous reader until the reveal.  In fact, I felt way sneaky this time around, and I kind of enjoyed it.

I started out praying for my prayer buddy as she had recently had surgery a few months prior.  I prayed for her body to continue healing from that surgery, and I also prayed for guidance and wisdom as she contemplated starting a new IF support group after a recent move.  My prayers quickly shifted when she found out she was pregnant!  How great it was to be able to comment, email, and text words of encouragement to her while she probably didn't suspect me as her prayer buddy.  I prayed for her baby to be safe through falling progesterone and her lack of pregnancy symptoms and then I rejoiced with her over her great, first ultrasound appointment.

How amazing it was to have been used as God's instrument through prayer in her life during these first few weeks of her pregnancy.  It was easy to sympathize and pray for her as I experienced some of the same fears and worries she did (falling progesterone, lack of symptoms, etc.).  I was honored to pray for: Matching Moonheads (and Baby Moonhead as well).  A- please know I will continue to pray for you through this pregnancy.  I feel like God has connected us these past few weeks and I can't wait to journey together.

And a special thanks to my prayer buddy this summer who prayed me through the first few crazy weeks of this pregnancy!  Thank you, thank you!

Only 2 months until Advent!  I'm assuming we're doing Advent Prayer Buddies again?  I can't wait!

Insert Huge Sigh of Relief

All is still well!

I meet with my new OB for the first time today and she didn't freak out about all the meds I'm on, the progesterone injections, or my history, so that is a good sign.  She was pretty chill with everything, and I guess I'll take that at this point.  She even agreed to check my progesterone levels today in addition to all the blood work drawn for a new OB panel.

She did a quick ultrasound and confirmed "Biscuit" is still growing away.  He/she was 4 mm 10 days ago and now he/she is 1.4 cm- noticeably bigger on the ultrasound and now more blob like instead of like a rice grain.  The heart was beating away, but she wasn't able to get a measurement of how fast and we didn't hear it this time, but that was ok since we had that experience earlier.  Dr. said she saw the baby wiggling around, but I couldn't see that.  I'll take her word for it though.

I've been going round and round with my insurance to get the PIO injections approved. I'm hoping by Friday everything will be sorted out and I can pick up the prescription, since I don't have many doses left of my old stash.  Thankfully, I have an old stash that hadn't expired yet.

So now I have my 1st ever ultrasound picture of our baby hanging on our fridge.  I can hardly believe it.  It still seems so surreal and I feel so unworthy. I realize I have another 5 weeks to get through until we're out of the 1st trimester, but I'm actually starting to have hope that we might get to meet this baby face to face.  This is the farthest along we've ever made it in a pregnancy by more than a week.  So now more waiting ensues. I go back for my next appointment with her in 4 weeks and I'll still keep monitoring my progesterone with my Napro Dr.

Off to call my dad for his birthday and then to my women's Bible study.  I only wish I could share the news with my dad today when I call, but will wait until 12-13 weeks thanks to my gossipy mother.  I do get to share with my Bible study group as they've been praying me through these past few weeks and know the struggles I've had the past few years. 

Thank you, Jesus, for continued life in my womb.  Help me to trust in You and Your goodness more instead of being filled with so much doubt.  Bring life to the wombs of many more bloggers that are waiting on You and Your timing.

Quick Takes (9)

1. Thanks for all your comments, words of encouragement, and advice on my last post.  I can't tell you how meaningful it was to me.  I'm feeling better and more hopeful again about this pregnancy.  Monday is another big, scary ultrasound appointment, but I'm praying all goes well with it.

2. This girl is on my mind like crazy today as she goes in for her first ultrasound appointment.  I'm praying she has a great first appointment and Baby Moonhead is just perfect.

3. My sewing class ended this week, but I'm not done with my class project yet.  I have 5 out of 9 strips sewn together for the rag quilt, but I still have another 4 to go.  Then I have to clip it, wash it, and clip it again.  I have less than 3 weeks to finish it.  I'd better get moving.

4. Our gas prices here keep going up.  What is up with that?  We're at $3.62 a gallon right now and I've been reading about places around the US at $2.99.  How is that possible?

5. I got an email from Susan Mees this morning inviting me to participate in a Women's Health Panel for a $25 gift certificate.  Have any of you gotten this email recently?  I'm not sure if it's legit or not.

6. Fall is definitely arriving soon.  I was driving outside of town last night and was able to look up at the mountains and I saw red trees at the peaks.  That means it'll soon be coming down to the valley.  It's fun to watch the red and yellow colors descend down the mountainside.  I love it.

7. I'm heading back home to MN next month for a baby shower (and hopefully to meet some MN bloggers!) and my mother is already creating family drama.  I have a very strained, broken relationship with her (I'll blog the story sometime), but she drives me crazy when she tries to pick a fight with me and make me look like the bad guy and my arrival is still 3 weeks away.  Grrr.  Honestly, I'm trying not to even think about it because I don't need the extra stress at the moment (I do a good enough job creating my own extra stress!), but she probably tops my list of people that I can't stand.

Have a great weekend, everyone!  Head on over to Jen's for more Quick Takes.

Falling Progesterone

I met with my Napro Dr. yesterday for the first time since this pregnancy.  We reviewed my charts and cycle of conception and discussed medications to continue taking through the pregnancy.  We also checked my thyroid because I've been feeling so cold this pregnancy and checked my progesterone level.

He just called with my progesterone and it's gone down.  I have a pit in my stomach and am fighting back the tears.  At 4 1/2 weeks my progesterone was 27 (low Zone 3) and now at 6 1/2 weeks it's 21.5 (Zone 2).  He said it should more or less stay stable at this point or go up.

After the amazing emotional high of the ultrasound appointment on Friday, I felt down and depressed this whole weekend.  I didn't have much of an appetite and just felt like my estrogen was too high or my hormones were off.  I guess I'm not surprised then that my levels are low.

Then to make matters worse, I found out that my DH and I messed up with the PIO injection dosing.  We thought 1 cc equaled 100 mg, but 1 cc is only 50 mg, so we've been doing a half dose of PIO this whole time!  We were supposed to be doing 100 mg injections 2x a week and instead we mistakenly halfed each dose.  I feel just sick about it.  DH is still hopeful that things are fine as we saw on the ultrasound.  My worrying has been taken to a new high level at the moment.

I meet with the OB up here for the 1st time next Monday afternoon.  I'm assuming she'll do another ultrasound at that point and we'll see how much progesterone levels are affecting the life of the baby.  I hope we still see the heartbeat then, but it looks like it's another long week of waiting for me to know what is going on.  I'm really struggling with trusting God and the outcome of the pregnancy.  I only want one outcome and that is life! 

The good is I haven't had any spotting or cramping.  My progesterone levels were actually higher with the first pregnancy (31 then 24 around the same gestational time), but I did have spotting early on when my progesterone was 24.  No spotting this time around has to be a good thing, right?  And I've seen the heartbeat, which was right on schedule.  Another good thing, right?  And my appetite came back yesterday with a vengeance.  If I wasn't still trying to follow this food intolerance diet, I'd be eating footlongs from Subway every day.  But- I just can't shake the thought that I'm going down the same road as pregnancy #1.  I so want this time to be different.  When I am weak, He is strong.  I guess I should thank God for all of the reminders of how weak I am, huh?

Would you pray for the safety of our child and for my body to kick up its progesterone production??  And if you have any stories about rollercoaster progesterone levels early on, I'd love to hear them.  I did read some of your comments on Matching Moonheads site, but I'd love to hear more. 

And the Verdict is....

A new chapter seems to be beginning!!!

The ultrasound went so well today- better than we could have expected.  The tech only did an abdominal scan because he could see everything he needed to. He saw the yolk sac and fetal pole.  He saw my tilted uterus.  He saw my left ovary, which looked great.  He measured my uterus.  He tried to find my right ovary, but my bowel was covering it!  Can you believe that?  I didn't know the bowel could move.  My bowel gave us all something to laugh about.  I think I ovulated from the right side, so I would have liked to see if that's where the corpus luteum was (it didn't seem to be on the left).

But before seeing all of the above things, we saw the baby measuring 6 weeks and 1 day.  Exactly where I think I am.  The baby was 4 mm- the size of a grain of rice.  We saw good blood flow to the baby.  We saw the heart beat AND we heard the heart beat at 109 bpm.  Amazing!!  He let us just listen to the heartbeat for a bit.

I think the tech was even amazed that we could see and hear everything we did because it was so early.  He was great though.  His wife went through 6 miscarriages and now they have 5 kids through adoption and natural means.  I think he definitely sympathized with us on pregnancy number 3 and talked to us the whole time through the ultrasound.  That is exactly what I needed.

I kept thinking of Ephesians 3:20 where it talks about God who is able to do immeasurably (or abundantly) more than all we ask or imagine according to his power at work within us (my paraphrase).  And then verse 21 goes on to say to God be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever.  Amen! (paragraph again).

God did so much more than I could have even imagined or hoped for by enabling me to get in for that ultrasound appointment the day after I called, by making it an early appointment so I didn't have to fret all day, and then by showing us everything He did so clearly and enabling us to even hear the heartbeat.  I truly am in shock and awe.  I do not feel worthy to be carrying this life inside of me.

I know we're still not out of the woods yet as far as miscarriage risk goes.  We still have several weeks in front of us to get through before the risk goes way down, but we have made it further than we ever have before with a pregnancy by seeing and hearing the heart beat.  We lost the first pregnancy at 6 weeks 3 days, so I've actually been pregnant longer, but I'm starting to feel confident that this one might actually make it another 34 weeks!

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.  I know it truly is a gift from You.  I don't know why you chose me and why at this time, but help me to cherish this gift each and every day.  Help me to trust in You and Your goodness for my life.  Forgive me for all the doubt and fear I've had lately not trusting You.  Thank you.

Remedies for Worry?

Worry.  It seems that no matter what stage of life we are in, we find something to worry about.  Whether it's worry about... what major to choose in college or ....when we'll meet our spouse or ....when we'll start our family or....when we'll be able to keep a pregnancy or.....what our kids will grow up like, etc.  As women, it seems we can always find something to worry about.

I recently read these two quotes by Corrie ten Boom about worry:

Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

Are those words not so true about worry?  Nothing good comes from worry.  So why then do we continue to worry?

Matthew 6 also speaks about worry.  I try to keep in mind verses 33-34: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  

Ah....another profound statement about worry.  So that begs the question again, if we know all these things about worry, why do we continue to worry?

I've been asking myself this question a lot in the past 10 days.  Why do I continue to worry about this pregnancy when the numbers were great last week?  For me, I think it comes down to fear and not being in control.  I worry because I'm fearful of what the future might hold, and I worry because I'm not in control of the situation and I can't control the situation.

So what do I do to try and lessen the worry?  I try to follow Matthew 6:33- I try to seek God's kingdom first, so that my worry will be put into the proper perspective.  I spend time in God's Word each day through my morning devotional reading and our couple's evening devotion.  I pray to God throughout the day and also pray with my husband each night.  I try and read Christian/Biblically based books that point me to God.  I listen to Christian music in my car.

Even with all of these daily attempts to seek God's kingdom, I still find myself consumed with worry at times, so I ask you...what are your remedies for worry?

My worry factor has gone into overdrive this week as I still don't feel pregnant like I did with the 1st pregnancy.  I know every pregnancy is different, but this lack of symptoms is really throwing me for a loop. So much so that today I called the OB again and asked if I could come in for another HCG blood draw as it's been a week since my last one.  I need some sort of proof that things are going ok because I'm failing miserably at walking by faith not by sight at this moment. I wish I had a stronger faith and was more patient waiting and trusting God.

The office threw me a surprise by saying I could just come in for an early ultrasound tomorrow morning since I should be around 6 weeks now (maybe plus a few days)!  I almost fell off my office chair I was so surprised.  So did I still want to come in for that blood draw today or wait until the ultrasound tomorrow?  Guess what I chose?  Early ultrasound at 7:30am tomorrow morning!!!

Holy cow!  I flipped out after I got off the phone.  I was almost shaking.  I had no clue they would offer me an ultrasound because they've been such sticklers up until this point. I don't know if I'm more excited or nervous to have the ultrasound tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning I will have answers and that will be a relief.  I will have that sight to see what is happening in my body.  Will the baby be measuring on track?  Will the baby be in the right spot in my uterus?  Will there be blood flow to the baby?  Will we be able to detect a heartbeat?  I will know the answers to these questions in less than 16 hours.  Hopefully the tech will tell me something or I'll be able to see something myself.  If not, I have to wait until the nurse reviews it.

And I'll be honest, I'm utterly scared to find out the answers.  Tears are streaming down my face as I type this because I am so afraid and I realize the wound of miscarriage runs deep.  All of the disappointment and heartache from our first pregnancy- the missed miscarriage- just came flooding back to me as I thought about going in for an ultrasound tomorrow.  I remember all too well the joy and excitement I was filled with at that first appointment two years ago.  And then I remember the terrible news that the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind, there was no heart beat, and no blood flow to the baby.  I remember staying composed in the ultrasound room and even talking with the doctor about how to have the miscarriage.  And then I remember just wanting to sprint out of the office after it was all over.  Tears started to flow as DH and I walked to the car and then I lost it and cried for the rest of the weekend. 

And so as I go to the same office tomorrow and probably the same ultrasound room, but I pray that the outcome is so much different this time.  If you think about it, would you also pray that the answers I get tomorrow would match those of my heart's desire?  I so want this to be a new chapter in my life- one of pregnancy life not pregnancy loss.  The problem is, I'm not the one writing the chapter and that's so hard.

Counting Down

7 days until I see my Napro Dr. and get my progesterone checked.

14 days until my first ultrasound appointment!  I caved and called again this morning begging and pleading to get the appointment moved up from Oct. 7th.  After the anxiety waves from this weekend, I just decided I wasn't strong enough to wait that long.  They wouldn't schedule me before 8 weeks, but since my LMP was August 1st, they would schedule me for Sept. 26th (my dad's birthday).  I'm pretty sure I'm only around 5 1/2 weeks today, so I'll only be 7 1/2ish for the ultrasound, which I told them, but they still insist on going by your LMP.  Fine with me.  I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate until CD17-20, so that works in my favor of getting in earlier.

This means I'm in a 2 week wait.  This will probably be the hardest 2WW ever.  At least during the 2WWs for my period, I knew most likely my period was coming, so I didn't get my hopes up much.  Given my track record and all of the cycles I didn't ovulate, I knew most likely to expect some sort of period at the end of the 2WW.  This time, however, I truly don't know what this 2WW holds.  I want to believe it will be good.  I want to believe God's hand will be all over that ultrasound.  I want to trust Him fully.  And I realize I still am so not there.  After 3+ years of IF and 2 pregnancy losses, I still have so much to learn about trust, patience, and waiting.

I started re-reading a book "Sacred Waiting" as I never finished it the first time I started it.  I only read the Introduction last night, but I was reminded of how good the book is.  My goal was to have it completed by my first ultrasound, which means I've got to double up the pace now.  This is one of my favorite parts.  The author is quoting Henri Nouwen, "For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go."  David Timms continues, "He's right.  But sacred waiting teaches us to embrace the desert and relinquish our own plans."

So I'm trying to embrace my desert and give my plans up to God.  As much as I want this pregnancy to be the one, I realize I am not in control of it.  So I'll try to embrace these 2 weeks by doing something constructive and see what God has in store after that.

Prayer Buddy, sorry I'm making you work overtime!