Progesterone Freak Outs

What a difference a day makes.  Yesterday, I was over the moon excited, ready to tell the world.  Today, I'm depressed and crying.  I just called the hospital lab and found out my progesterone was only 14.7 yesterday!  Ahh...I'm freaking out.  I haven't checked the chart, but I'm sure that is Zone 1 for almost 12 weeks along.

Here's my progesterone thus far:
14.7- 12 weeks
23- 10 weeks
21- 7 weeks
27- 4 1/2-5 weeks
16- P+7

My progesterone is now lower than it was before we got pregnant!  What is going on?  What could be causing my body to produce such a small amount of progesterone?  If I hadn't had the ultrasound yesterday, I would think the pregnancy is over.  Time to increase the shots to 200 mg and start using the suppositories again.  Let's hope I hear back from my Napro Dr. today and that he can increase my prescription before I run out.  I've enlisted my prayer warriors this morning (you all and the faithful friends we have told already).

Please, body, keep this life alive.  I realize this pregnancy is totally out of my control now (like it ever was in my control).  God, the author of life, has to be the only one in control right now.

Join With Me....

...in songs of joy!!!

All is well with baby Biscuit!  Praise the Lord!

I work up and read my Bible verse calendar and it said, Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.  Psalm 135:3.  I thought to myself, I sure hope I am praising the Lord for continued life today, not life that once existed.

My appointment went well, despite the hour wait time.  I almost thought DH was going to have to leave before we saw the doctor because he had a meeting he had to be back at work for, and we hadn't accounted for the doctor running so far behind schedule.  I started crying in the exam room because I didn't want to face the appointment without him there.  (I told you I still don't like OB appointments.)

Thankfully, the doctor came in shortly after I had dried my tears and did another quick ultrasound.  It was amazing to see how much the baby had grown in 4 weeks (from 1.4 cm to 5.4 cm).  It actually looked like a baby!  I was measuring 12 weeks (I think I'm 11W 5 or 6 days), but we couldn't get a profile shot for an accurate crown to rump measurement because the baby was looking right at the camera.  It's as if he/she knew we were looking at him/her.  Little stinker.  Is that possible at 12 weeks?  Then the doctor did a 4D ultrasound to get a profile shot (I guess 4D takes a 3D image and rotates it).

The doctor was so good about pointing out all of the features that looked great.  We heard a nice, strong heartbeat again.  We saw the parts of the brain and small chambers of the heart.  We saw the arms and legs, feet, and tiny fingers.  The abdominal wall looked good and strong, the spine was good, and the placenta was visible.  She was very encouraging that we had made it out of the 1st trimester, but I thought 1st trimester started at 13 weeks?  Who knows.  I'm not worrying about that at this point.  Everything we've seen and heard this whole pregnancy has been just fine, so that's what I'm going on.  I'm waiting to hear what my progesterone numbers are from today, but I doubt I'll be stopping the shots.

I am just in shock today.  Even as I sit here looking at the ultrasound pictures that I know were taken of my body, I can't believe that there is a baby (a living baby) inside my body.  It still doesn't seem real.  Is this really happening?  Why me, God, and not some other IF bloggers?  Why now at this time, God?  When am I going to wake up from the dream and find it's over?  It all seems too good to be true, but I'm trying to believe that this is really happening and will continue to happen for another 28 weeks.

We're going to tell our families early next week.  Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops- look at this amazing thing God has done in my broken, IF body!  I've been keeping the biggest secret of my life now for 7 weeks and I'm ready to tell people of how God has performed a miracle.  I still can't explain when, how, or why we got pregnant (aside from an egg meeting a sperm, etc.).  It truly was God's work.  But then, part of me is still cautious.  What happens if something goes wrong and I have to tell all the people that know.  But there will always be that chance for the next 28 weeks (and really throughout the child's lifetime) that something could go wrong, so I'm choosing to give God glory now for this amazing work He has done.  Thank you, Lord, for this amazing gift that I am unworthy to carry.

Remembering Back 2 Years Ago

Last year, October was a really hard month for me.  I celebrated National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day on October 15th, we were recovering from a 2nd miscarriage, and I was remembering back to a year ago with our 1st pregnancy loss.  This October has been much different and I haven't really realized it until now.

First of all, I completely forgot October 15th.  Part of that was because I was traveling, but another part of me thinks it's because I am pregnant now and also healing.  And then I nearly forgot that today marks 2 years since we found out we had lost our first baby.  Last year I was in such a funk around this time.  I was quite depressed as I remembered back to that fateful day in 2009 when we first saw our baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat or blood flow.

I would have forgotten all about it this year, except when I flipped my Bible-verse-a-day calendar to October 23rd, I read the verse and quote and remembered.  I've been using this same flip chart style calendar now for a few years.  Each day has a quote and matching verse on it.  I never remember what I read from year to year, so it's easy to use the same calendar for a number of years in a row!  It sits above our kitchen sink, and each morning as I'm preparing breakfast, I flip to the current day and read the thoughts for the day.

None of the other 364 days stand out to me except October 23rd.  That is the only date I remember when I read it now.  It says: The joy of Jesus will dry all tears.  And the verse to go with it is from Psalm 126:5- Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I remember reading that on October 23, 2009 as I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant with our first child.  I had my first ultrasound appointment that afternoon, but I had sensed something could be wrong with the pregnancy before that as some of my symptoms had disappeared and my progesterone was low.  That morning as I flipped the calendar over and read those words, I started crying.  I just knew in my heart that God was preparing me for bad news at the appointment that afternoon.  So it came as little surprise to me when the ultrasound revealed our baby had stopped growing 2 weeks prior.  My heart already knew.  I didn't even cry until after I left the OB office.

And so I remember back on that painful time 2 years ago and all the pain that came as we processed through our grief not once but two times over the past two years.  Why did we have to experience the loss of two children?  Why the pain of infertility before that and then between those losses?  Until I see Jesus face to face, I won't know those answers, but I can't help but think our pain has made us more compassionate, caring people of God.  My DH and I couldn't help someone in pain if we hadn't experienced such pain ourselves.  Now I don't think God caused our miscarriages to happen, but I do think He has used them for good in how we are able to relate to others.

And here I sit, on the eve of another ultrasound appointment.  This time 11 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I can't help but wonder if my songs of joy are coming.  I've been trying to get a sense for where my heart is at with this pregnancy, and part of me thinks my heart senses everything will be ok tomorrow.  There's no guarantee and OB appointments still make me nervous and anxious, but I pray our time of sowing in tears is over.  I'm ready to reap songs of joy!  And- October 24th is a new day!

More Snakes

Anyone have any good ideas on how to get rid of snakes?  I thought DH had them under control at the beginning of summer when he killed the momma and we didn't see any more the rest of the summer.  I guess we were wrong because today he saw one in the grass and one coming out of the corner of our cement patio!  He couldn't kill either of them, so we know we have at least 2 on the loose, but chances are there are more.

As a sidenote: he had let the grass get a little long because he was delaying the final mowing of the year.  We tend to see more snakes when the grass is longer, but I would think they'd be in hibernation because our temps have only been in the 60s during the day and 30s overnight.  I guess I'm wrong on that one as well.  I'm terrified to go in our basement because our crawl space and unfinished bedroom and bathroom are not far from where we've seen the snake sightings outside.  What can I do?  I'm starting to feel like I'm a prisoner in our own home.

Granted, they aren't huge snakes, but they are snakes.  The thought of snakes underneath our cement patio or near the foundation of our house freaks me out.  Can an exterminator take care of them?  DH agreed to thoroughly inspect our crawl space and seal any holes he sees, but still, this does little to allay my snake fears.  Snakes are the one creepy-crawly thing I can't stand.  Ugh!

Update: The snake coming out of the cement made 2 more appearances this afternoon and DH finally killed him the 3rd time he came out of the hole!  Now to plug that hole and check the crawl space to see what might be happening.  That's all DH's job, of course!

Weekend Recap

I've finally caught up to myself at work after being away for a long weekend, so now I can catch up to you blogger friends!  You may recall last weekend I traveled to my hometown for my SIL's baby shower and time visiting with family.  How did it all turn out?  Exhausting could pretty well sum it up, but I'll give you more details.

I left after work Thursday night and had the most beautiful view of the Rockies.  Seriously, that's one of the things I love about living in the West- the majestic mountain peaks.  It was clear out, so I just got to gaze at the beauty while listening to my ipod.  How wonderfully relaxing.

Friday was a full day.  Dad came over and made breakfast for grandma and I, which was a nice treat.  It was good to catch up with them both as I'm probably the closest to each of them in my family and love spending time with them. Then a short visit with a dear college friend and then the big family dinner.  Everyone in my family was able to make it for a tour of grandma's new apartment and dinner afterwards.  This was the first time I saw my mother, and she was in her classic form...following me around the entire evening, so I couldn't get a conversation alone with anyone in my family.  How annoying, but that is her, so I wasn't surprised.  She constantly wants her nose in my business as if she's going to miss out on something.  Thankfully, I hadn't slept well the night before due to the trains passing by grandma's house every 1-2 hours, so I was in somewhat of a fatigued daze and could more easily ignore her rude comments and annoying behavior.

The one special part of the night was that the family was able to all be together (minus my DH) as it would have been grandpa's 88th birthday that day.  He died last November, so this was the first year he wasn't here.  Grandma treated all of us to dinner in honor of him. She said he would have wanted all of us to get together and celebrate, which was so true of him.  I was glad I was present for an important family gathering, since I'm not able to celebrate most holidays with family.

Saturday I was able to sleep in a bit (finally) and then had a nice breakfast with grandma.  Dad surprised us by stopping over because he was "in the area," which is so typical of dad.  It's his way of showing he misses me and wants to spend more time with me when mom is not around.  I love my dad.

Then lunchtime was another special treat- my first blogger meet-up.  Patiently Waiting picked me up and it amazes me that I could get into a car with someone I had never met in person before and we could proceed to talk (basically non-stop) for an hour.  I love that!  We picked up lunch and headed to Joy Beyond the Cross's home since she was on bed rest for the weekend.  We spent another few hours chatting away, and I seriously think we could have talked all day and night.  And here we are "strangers" somewhat, yet know so much about each others lives because of our blogging.  We got to see JBTC's cute house, her 2 cats, her new windows, and the plans for her nursery.  How fun.  Our time together went by nearly too fast and then PW and I were back in the car again chatting away until she dropped me off. 

What a treat it was to meet both of them in person.  Thanks, ladies, for a fun afternoon!

JBTC, PW, and Me

Back at grandma's house, it was time for a smaller family gathering with my parents, brothers, and SIL.  It was nice, but it would have been nicer if mom wasn't there.  She still was yakking away about herself as she frequently does, and I hardly got a chance to talk with my brother and SIL.  Thankfully, they were feeling the same thing, so they made sure to stay behind and talk more after everyone left.

I really do like spending time with them, despite some of the jealousy that has come out because of their pregnancy.  I also realize how young they are and how much they need a good influence in their lives.  Neither of their parents have a good marriage and their friends aren't churched, so that leaves a lot of opportunities for me and my husband to be a positive influence.

Sunday was the baby shower and it was about as "bad" as I expected it to be- non-stop baby chatter from everyone about their own kids and grandkids, stories of their pregnancies, etc.  I don't know how some of you have the strength to continually go to as many showers as you do.  This was my first baby shower for a family member, and thankfully, I probably won't have any more to go to for a long while.  I don't think I could attend many more.

My mother told baby and childhood stories about me throughout the entire shower.  Can you believe it?  I quickly spoke up and reminded her that this shower was not about me, but it was about my brother and SIL, but she still preceded to spend the afternoon telling stories about me, when I was born, how old I am, etc.  It was dreadful, but I just walked out of the room.  I felt bad for my SIL though.  My mom is seriously nuts.  I'm convinced she has a mental problem- bipolar, pathological liar, OCD, addiction to shopping, or all of the above.

I survived the weekend though, which is the good part, and I was able to hold my tongue and refrain from saying anything rude or hurtful to mom. That was the good news.  I returned home and discovered fall had hit the valley while I was away.  I was so surprised since I was only gone 4 days, but it is beautiful around town now.  I just love the colors on the trees.

My husband's ulcer: I was so worried about getting sick this past weekend with the extra stress, lack of sleep, traveling, and more.  Usually that combination results in a nasty cold, but so far I have been feeling fine.  The irony is that while my husband stayed home, he came down with some major stomach cramps and ended up at Urgent Care on Tuesday.  The diagnosis- the start of an ulcer!  He's never had anything like that before and his diet doesn't consist of ulcer inducing food. 

Here's the kicker ladies- he told me that lately he had been praying to God that if it would help me, to have God give him some of my pain and discomfort, so he could carry some of my burdens!  I don't think it's a coincidence that I came back from the trip sickness-free while he's had to suffer through painful stomach stuff.  He got my ulcer!  Can you believe the saint I married?  Oh my.  I'm falling more in love with him by the day.  Truly, he is amazing.  And- even though he had 4 really painful days before getting on meds, he has not ceased praying to be given some of my pain!  He is so much stronger than I.  What did I ever do to deserve such an amazing man?

That amazing man and I are off on a fun adventure tomorrow since we both have the day off tomorrow.  We have two fun options- I'll let you know what we decide to do later!

Updates

The Quilt:
I finally finished the massive sewing project on Sunday!  Just in time to squeeze it all down into a box and send it off to MN, so it's waiting for me when I arrive.  I was not about to try and fit this into my carry-on.  Here you see how large it ended up.  Pretty massive for a "baby quilt."  I just followed the directions my sewing teacher gave us (I'm a rule-follower), but if I had to do it again, now seeing the finished product, I would probably make it smaller if it was for a baby.

Here you can see the back side (the smooth one) and then a close-up of the front with the fringe.  It turned out better than I expected and I think the colors will match their nursery perfectly.  My SIL seems like a fringe kind of girl, so I also think she'll like it.

I did end up with 6 squares left over, so I made a "baby version" that hopefully the baby can have before she grows into this large one.

The MN Trip:
I'm off to my home state tomorrow after classes.  It's hard to believe the trip is here as it seemed so far off when I booked the ticket this summer.  I'm excited and nervous.  I'm excited to stay with my grandma and spend time with her.  This past Sunday was her anniversary (the first one she spent without my grandpa) and I know it's been a hard week for her, but she's also really excited about my visit, so I think the timing will be good for her.

Friday the whole family is getting together to see my grandma's new place (she just put a deposit down for a senior living apartment).  She's going to try it out for 3 months, but I think she will stay there and eventually sell the house she and my grandpa called home for all 62 years of their marriage.  But it is change and it takes awhile to adjust, so the whole fam. is trying to support her in this move.  She is 89 after all.  Then it's a big 'ol family dinner.  The irony is Friday would have been my grandpa's birthday, and this is the 1st year he's not around.  Each of these firsts is hard, and I'm actually glad I will be there to support grandma and my dad (it was his father), in particular.

Saturday is more family time and then my first blogger meet-up.  I'm so excited to meet two blogger ladies for lunch!!  More about that after the trip.

Sunday I'll probably go to mass with grandma and then it's the baby shower.  I'm hoping I can just hang in the background of the shower with little attention on me.  Then I have a really late flight home and should arrive back at our house early Monday morning with enough time to sleep and head to work Monday morning.  Fun, fun.

It will definitely not be a restful weekend, which I'm a little bit worried about.  I've been trying to really sleep in, rest, relax, and de-stress on the weekend to make it through the work week.  That won't be happening this weekend, so I'm praying for an extra measure of strength and energy!

I'm nervous about the trip because I said I wouldn't travel home without DH again (as a result of a terrible trip back with mom), but I'm doing it. I've only alluded to the fact that I have a terrible relationship with my mother.  She verbally and emotionally abused my brothers and me when we were young and continues to do it to this day. She bad mouths me to her friends and talks about what an ungrateful daughter I am.  The rest of my family knows not to believe her, but after years and years of that type of abuse without a change in her, I have no desire to be around her.  She is toxic, plays mind games, and goes out of her way to try and corner me so she can pester me about something.  I have no doubt the pit in my stomach I've experienced today is a direct result of knowing I have to see her this weekend.  I hate that she still has an effect on me.  And I hate that she's unwilling to change or admit she has any faults.  I've sought counseling with and without DH, and that has helped, but it still doesn't change her.  I'm praying I can just guard my tongue with her this weekend and not say anything hurtful, which I have done in the past.

The Pregnancy:
I've been mum lately on the pregnancy front.  I guess I'm just trying to make it through the first trimester and then see where things are at. I should be 10 weeks today, and still find myself doubting if I really am still pregnant.  I go back and forth with really being confident one day that things are still fine and that this pregnancy is going to make it another 30 weeks and then I go to the other extreme that this is going to end in another missed miscarriage or it's already over.  I wish I could say I trusted God more, but I don't.  I've never known a "normal" pregnancy that didn't end early, so part of that is just chalked up to my history.  I realize that, yet I hope and pray this time is different.

My progesterone level at 9 1/2 weeks was 23 and it was 21 at 6 1/2 weeks, so not a significant change.  I was really hoping to see an increase because I thought the placenta starting producing more hormones at 9 weeks.  I'm still on 100 mg shots twice a week, but waiting to hear back from my Napro Dr. regarding this latest number and if I should go up to 200mg.

If I hadn't known the progesterone number from this week, I actually think I would be more confident with the pregnancy because I felt so pregnant last week- lots of fatigue, still nauseous at times, food cravings and food aversions, my chest is larger, lots of night bathroom trips, etc.  I still have those signs, but just knowing my progesterone has hardly budged in 3 weeks makes me question and doubt and makes me wonder if the shots are just giving me those symptoms.  It's almost as if I was doing better "walking by faith" last week and "not by sight."  I keep telling myself to just trust for one more day and then for one more day, etc.  Eventually this two week wait will be up and I'll have another ultrasound at 12 weeks to confirm where things are at.

Please don't think I spend all day worrying.  I don't.  I enjoy dreaming and making plans with my DH.  We've talked about how we'll tell our families the big news after our next ultrasound, how we'll announce it to our little church, what I'll tell my boss, if we'll find out the gender, how we'll arrange rooms for a nursery, when we'll have the baptism, etc.  It's been so fun and joyful to have these discussions, and yet, I find myself pulling back at times because I don't want to get too excited.  I enjoy reading the weekly emails I get about the growth of our baby and marveling over the details of what is forming each week.  It is amazing to me that so many of the organs are formed or being formed, and yet, it doesn't seem real that that is happening inside of my body- my broken, infertile, problem-filled body.  Can it really be?  I pray so.

Quick Takes (11)

1. I'm addicted to Beef and Cheddar sandwiches from Arby's. Seriously, this is so bad. I've had 8 in the last week!  Not good for my waistline.  I don't know what it is (the protein in the meat?), but I'm running out of coupons and I won't pay full price at Arby's, so hopefully it's coming to an end!

2. I'm still working on the baby quilt/blanket.  I'm clipping fringe tonight and then I need to wash it and clip again.  Thankfully, DH has agreed to help me this weekend because I just don't think I can finish it all in time.  The blanket is pretty large, so I'd like to mail it ahead of time so it doesn't take up all that space in my carry-on.

3. We just ordered 30 pounds of bacon and 40 pounds of chicken breasts from Zaycon Foods.  Has anyone heard of them before?  They're based out of Washington, but they have food events all across the 48 states. The thing I like about the company is the meat is fresh and hormone-, preservative-, and additive-free.  The bacon was 2.97/lb and the chicken 1.49/lb.  Good thing we have a small chest freezer!  DH is so excited about all of the meat because we've almost eaten up all of the beef we got when we bought a 1/4 cow last summer.

4. I got the sweetest gift in the mail last week from St. Rita's Roses.  She knows how stressful of a time this currently is for me waiting to get through the first trimester, so she sent some "grace."  It came on just the perfect day.  I love that Holy Spirit timing.  Thanks, J!

5. We harvested 3 pumpkins from our garden.  We've never grown pumpkins before and the funny thing is, we didn't plant any pumpkin seeds this year!  We're thinking they must have come from the vegetable waste we dumped in the garden last year.  Funny, but fun to have our own pumpkins.

6. We also harvested honeydew melons from the garden as well.  Again, it was a first to grow them in the garden and we didn't plant the seeds.  It seems our garden does better when it just decides what it wants to grow.  The things we did plant (eggplant, carrots, tomatoes, zucchini, peppers, and cucumbers) did not produce as much as years past.  Guess it was God's garden this year and not ours.

7.  Monday it was 82 degrees and then last night it looked like this....

Brrr!! We had to turn the heat on for the first time last night as it was 62 in the house when we got home from work.  Thankfully, the cold isn't going to stick around.  We should be back up into the 60s and 70s for highs next week. 

Head over to Jen's for more Quick Takes.  Enjoy the weekend!